I've been making little notations in my bullet journal lately - trying to give myself little reminders of supportive statements, compliments, happy things that happen to me each day. So peppered within my list of books I want to read next, movies i want to keep an eye out for, small goals to reach and reminders, I have little drops of positivity.
Because i need to remind myself sometimes, that life is good. Just because everything isn't my way doesn't make it not good.
A goal i have currently is to learn how to sit with discomfort. I don't have to fix something immediately that will eventually work itself out naturally. Just be uncomfortable. It won't kill me.
I haven't perfected it. Not by a longshot. But in fairness, it's a new concept for me. A new goal. I've pretty much gone 56 years of my life avoiding discomfort. And THAT has landed me in the shit over and over again. Old dogs can, in fact, learn new tricks and i'm going to prove it to myself.
I met someone. I wasn't looking. Well, i was dating when asked out, but i wasn't cruising the dating sites, or forcing myself to interact with strangers. Going out on a date for me, is like pulling a tooth. For fuck sakes i'm so sick of meeting new men and not feeling a thing. Or looking at them talking to me and wondering when i can go home. Or having to flat out tell them, no, i don't want to smack lips with you in a fucking parking lot. That is literally the last place i want to get kissed....
off topic....
A couple of weeks ago a girlfriend contacted me and said "hey, i think you might like this guy" in more words than that......and I, being me, reached out to him and tattled on her for being a match maker. We had a short convo and that was that. No biggie, it was a haha moment and over.
Until the next day when he reached out to me. And we started talking. My girlfriend said i "had balls" to reach out to a total stranger and he said the same damn thing! It's not balls. It's a lack of patience. It's a lack of caring what other people think. He is handsome. Came with a recommendation (how often does THAT happen) so i took my shot. And we decided to meet.
I've gone on a lot of dates. a LOT of dates. I've been asked out for a second about 90% of the time and i've actually gone out for a second time about 20% of the time. Having it turn into anything has happened 2% of the time over the past 2 years. And those did not last long. And it was because i picked wrong. I'm sure there is someone out there for each of those men, but it wasn't me. Nobody likes hearing it, but it's kinder to say it when you know it to be true. I don't drag anyone along. Its not because i'm a good person it's because once i know, i can't stand to be around them anymore. Truth. I feel horrible about that, but it is what it is. When i see the reason we aren't going to work, i'm done.
off topic again......
When i walked into the restaurant he turned and saw me and smiled. I felt my insides go mushy. Just like that. I sat next to him at the bar and throughout our date i found myself touching him, (WHAT THE FUCK MB) and giggling uncontrollably ....like a moron. Like i was drunk, but i wasnt. I was giddy. I leaned in to say something in his ear, got a whiff of his scent and .....starting wondering if he would PLEASE kiss me in the parking lot. I don't want to describe him, because thats not the point to this blog. The point is, I didn't feel like me. He is not my first handsome man. I have never swooned. NEVER. This is gonna end badly for me.
The last time i lost my head over a man I ended up in a 13 year relationship that was supposed to be a distraction. Swoony is not a good thing for this woman. ALARM ALARM ALARM....which of course, i promptly ignored.
It feels good to feel so good with someone. To see a text from him and feel that happy shot, to hear his ring tone and dive for the phone to hear his voice. It feels amazing to lay in the arms of a man I feel completely safe with and just breathe in a way I haven't for many years. To catch his eye and feel warm inside, speechless.
We talked/texted every day. We spent hours on end together. And then he withdrew, slowly, not without warning...but withdrew. He has his reasons. I don't think i was understanding that we weren't going to be communicating, or seeing each other ........again? or for an undetermined amount of time? I thought i understood his words, but i misinterpreted. I thought i was going to be part of the process......because we were in the beginning of getting to know each other... and it was good. It has nothing to do with me, or if we were "a match", so........i guess i didn't understand.
I have an anxious attachment style, so i've learned. And that's if i feel attached which is never. Mostly i'm annoyed by men that try to get close. Defense? possibly. However, my attachment style which was dormant, is now alive and well. Thanks mom and dad. Thanks for abandoning me and giving me a lifelong complex of fuckedupedness with which to chase all the good men away with.
I tried to reign it in. Step back, give space, don't take it personally. Let him know i'm here, I care, I want to support him..........but no, instead all the crazy comes out and i start having panic attacks. literally. On the phone with my bestie, one minute fine, the next minute crying. Crying at the drop of a hat. And then i go looking for reassurance from him, someone who can't give it to me right now. He's not in a place to handle my crazy. And then i feel like a complete asshole.
Do i need to know immediately if we are going to be a thing? No. But yes. Because i can't sit with being uncomfortable. I need reassurance that it's not me that is keeping him away from me. And there it is, the problem. Because that isn't his cross to bear and is the exact opposite of what he truly does need in a partner. ( I'm being vague because his business is not mine to tell.)
I'm always complaining about instant relationships and men that can't leave me alone and are always up my ass sucking up my me time.....then i meet him and i'm the one that is a pest. Life makes no sense.
This is what i'm experiencing now. Complete chaos in my head because these feeling are alien to me and i never thought i'd be so needy of one mans attention ever again. And i mean EVER again. I think about him, wonder if he is okay, want to do anything to help easy his pain.........and we barely know each other when it comes down to it.
I saw myself escalating and pulled back. I don't know this space, its new to me. To pull away from someone i have started to care for feels wrong. I don't know what to do, so instead of harassing him with texts that go unanswered now.........i am just here doing nothing.
He isn't the kind to Ghost. He is a good, decent man. I believe everything he has told me and that in itself unheard of for me. I trust him. So i will sit in my discomfort, and i will question my sanity, and i will be patient and hope that someday it works out for us. That's what i needed to come around to. I have to be okay with possibly being a dumbass that gets played, because i think he is worth getting to know much better. Maybe i'm an idiot. Or maybe life isn't easy and shit happens and people aren't perfect. Maybe that.
Comments
Post a Comment