brain dump

 Lets just jump into my head for a minute.

I’ve had 2 traditional long-term serious relationships, and neither worked.   I carried resentment in both.  I felt controlled and powerless in both.  One was jealous, possessive, and controlling, the other had me so confused and anxiety-ridden that it was hard to focus on anything BUT him. 

I should have never been a wife at that age and the more I reflect…..at any age.  I don’t believe marriage keeps people together.  Marriage is for buying property and having babies to close all the legalities of outside people that may interfere.  It’s a business transaction to protect your joint investment.

If you are lucky.

For me, it was a tool used by an angry spouse to drag me to court every month so I couldn’t divorce him.  It’s about ownership and control, not love, not happiness.  Certainly no good will.

No, thank you. 

At the beginning of my second long-term relationship, I made it clear that there would be no marriage, no babies, and no combining of financial responsibilities.  He didn’t want it either.  Our reasons for not wanting marriage were probably very different.  As already stated, I don’t believe marriage is proof of love and doesn’t “make” someone stay with you.  I believe my ex bf didn’t want it because he liked being single and having the benefits of me being in a relationship with him.  (proven by his admittedly adorable daughter whose date of birth coincides neatly with our breakup)

So there it is.  More than half my life thrown under the feet of two men, willingly.  Perhaps this is the reason I’ve been so anxious about getting attached to anyone ever again (my track record sucks).  My picker is wonky.  My choices in men were shit.

I over analyze. (confirmed by a friend recently)  I pick apart.  I stress out.  I find every reason to cut off a budding relationship.  Because I was STILL picking poorly.  Smiling men that fed me shit and didn’t have their own lives together.  Men that needed something from me that had nothing to do with me being me.  The new, enlightened MB saw it and cut it off both times.  Making me feel like what I want is unrealistic, not possible, a fantasy. 

Having years to myself being single and enjoying my life without a man in it has allowed me to grow in a way that being in a relationship never allowed me to.  I was able to do anything I wanted within financial and legal restrictions.  And I did.  I put myself in situations that allowed me to meet many people, some of whom have become my family, that otherwise I would never have even met.  I dated myself.  I listened to and took care of my own needs. 

I dated because I was lonely sometimes.  I longed for a man whom I enjoyed spending time with and who looked forward to seeing me too.  Not because he needed something from me, or a relationship.  I don’t want to fill an empty hole like a wooden peg.  I want to be more than just anybody.  Online dating sucks. I think we all know this by now.  And at my age………it sucks worse.

I was still bouncing on and off – hoping I’d be like the stories I’d heard about where two people meet and hit it off for happily ever after because I HATE dating.  I’d rather read a book or stare at a blank wall for hours on end than have to meet another strange man.  But….there is that loneliness.  That need for intimacy with someone who understands me, who I trust and feel safe with. 

 

At 56 years of age, for the first time I put into words what my “requirements” were, standards which I had always previously felt were judgmental, and exclusive.   It finally occurred to me that yes, I needed to be exclusive and picky and not just put myself out there for inappropriate and  disappointing situations.  I had to hold MYSELF in high regard to not waste time with ….unqualified men.

That’s not easy if you have lived your life feeling unworthy.  But again, spend some time, years, alone with yourself and you might finally understand what makes you feel that way.  Living up to other peoples expectations is no longer on my menu.  Delete.  I am who I am, I grow, and sometimes I don’t. 

I’ve met someone.  We both have our ….concerns?  issues?  Life scars and fear?  All of that.  And yet, I’m happy.  I have bouts of insecurity because that is one of MY issues.  I have panic that he will disappear from my life.  (abandonment issues)  I sometimes want to cling to him like a safety net (anxious attachment).  I struggle with this because it is part of who I am and my history, not because of him or how he makes me feel.  I can’t pretend these characteristics are not part of who I am because if I’m not being fully cognizant of my emotions, they take lead.  I will always have to re-direct myself, talk myself off a ledge, and reassure myself.  That is not because of him.

He is…….not someone I want to share here.  I feel not only accepted as who I am right now at this moment but appreciated.  Desired.  Safe.  I am myself with him and that can be pretty goofy, or dead serious depending.  I’m not holding back, not NOT saying what I think in conversations so that he “likes” me.  We don’t agree with everything, I know there will be some pretty big differences and THAT’S OKAY.  He’s smart in a way that makes my brain tingle. I want to know what he thinks because I value his opinion.  And there is the sexual attraction.

Months ago I verbalized what my standards were and then he entered my life.  I’m enjoying this experience with him, and I’m going for this ride with him for as long as its good for both of us.  I have no expectations other than what we’ve already agreed on.  This feels good.  He feels good to me. 

I’m just. Happy.