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Here we are

Today feels like a half way decent day, with nothing making me cry, or shake, or feel upset.  I have reason to believe this streak will last for a while, as it's been happening more and more, much to my surprise.

There are bad days, but they are nowhere near as bad as they were.  And they pass quicker.  I can have full conversations and not only not bring him up, but not think about him.  I have stopped comparing every interaction with a male to him.  I have stopped hearing his voice in my head, yet he still appears regularly in my dreams. I feel him.  And he isn't happy.  And i can't say i'm surprised.

Yet, his unhappiness is no longer my concern.  Right?  My close friends are furious that i would even have a conversation with him.  "you aren't his friend, he doesn't deserve you, this will only hurt you, remove him from your life completely".....I hear them, i understand where they are coming from - hell, i agree that he doesn't deserve my friendship.  


And yet, i see now the misery he is in because he loves this woman (or he is obsessed, a very fine line)  He IS what i was.  Drama, upset, the rolling gut of never knowing when he was going leave me, but knowing it was going to happen. Eventually.  Thirteen years i lived like that, just to be with him.  I don't understand it myself.  Maybe i needed to really and truly live heartache to avoid it in the future.  Love shouldn't hurt.  Let me say that again,

LOVE SHOULDN'T HURT

Is it possible we knew each other in a different life?  If you believe in things like that, it makes sense.  The connection is real, and strong - and probably inappropriate, yet, it is there.  I need him in my life.  Not as my lover, not as my partner, not as my comfort even.  I just know there is a reason we are in each others lives and neither one is willing to completely severe the tie.  

I've been on dates.  I'm "seeing" someone regularly that I can't see lasting a long time - i'm not sure where it could ever go.  He's younger.  Not so much that I feel the difference now, but enough that i worry about the difference in 10 years. He's funny. He's smart.  He's tall.  He's NEAT and he takes care of himself.  He is gentle and kind....and I always feel like me around him.   I simply don't want to be left for a younger woman or any other reason, again.  I will not be unrealistic, I will not fall in love with the impossible again.  I've had enough heartbreak to last me a lifetime plus another.  I may not have had many relationships, but the ones i've had have been hard and long.  I'm done with all that noise.  I have no more tears to shed over a man.  

Finally I understand that i'm not that interesting.  I'm not that smart.  I'm not that awful.  I'm just still finding out what the hell I am at 49 years old.  A lot of people are.  I'm not scared, but i am tired.  So, i'll rest for a bit and then i'm back at it, this life business.  It's going to be as good as I make it.

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