Walking Barefoot in Snow

..........I cut him out completely and he still manages to get in here and fuck with my head.  This feels like the day after we broke up.  And i'm so tired of it.  I just don't want to hold these feelings in me ANY MORE.  He is a cheating, lying piece of shit.  He never was anything i ever gave him credit for.  He has more than proven that to me.  So. WHY can't this just be over in my heart like it is in my head? Fucker. He's beginning to tell people about his impending fatherhood.  How do i know this?  Because now people are contacting me with "omg i'm so sorry" messages.  Apparently i'm not the only one that knows how to do math. I have always kept his confidences.  Always had his back EVEN while he was stabbing me in mine.  He never deserved it.  That's love though, isn't it?  You don't earn it.  You can't keep it if it's not real.   He did me a favor.  Thats the bottom line.  I am terri...

The Invitation It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for LOVE for your dream for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your Moon… I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with Wildness! and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful to be realistic to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disa...

The homework assignment (yes, 49 and I still have homework) was to create a surreal collage using our own image somewhere in the collage. Surreal eh?  Well, okay - i will throw a few interesting images together and slap my face somewhere and call it done.  (I'm also working on my final project which is an altered book consuming all my creative energy)  I lost a few hours doing this, actually listening to surreal music, something i never really knew existed and yet was a perfect background to my daze of searching, cutting, planning and pasting. This morning when i really looked at it I thought - "this looks like a mad version of cinderella, my version"  The more i looked the more i identified with the whole damn thing which really did take place subconsciously as I was only trying to meet a deadline. The emaciated (starving for male validation) body holding a blank mask (whatever he needs me to be) but a crown on my head makes it look like a good thing - the ...

Anxiety surrounding my soon to be home hunting has hit an all time high.  What in the world makes me think I can purchase my own home?  I checked out my credit report........again......and while it has improved again it also gave me the ability to see any derogatory credit i have. Guess what?!   Son of a bitch.  Two black marks slashed across my credit.  I paid them both 10 minutes later.  However, that stays on your report and it also takes up to 90 days to be shown as reconciled so i'm told.  Is it time for a meltdown or should i just wait till i'm denied? I have dreams that i'm going to end up living in a mobile home in a trailer park.......Listen, i have nothing against that, it's just not my goal.  Even a condo is kind of stretching my "awful damn close to neighbors" fear.  But, i guess when you are single living alone its not a bad thing to have neighbors close. I hate change. (except when it comes to my hair, haha) ...

I call the real estate agent tomorrow.  It's in my calendar.  I had to schedule it because that makes it real, and i can check it off my "to do" list.  The ball will begin rolling........ I have backed off another situation until I know where the doors are, and if they are opening or closing. Complicated isn't a word I want associated with a romantic interest and I have a really broken picker as i've proven twice before.  I'm patient this time but not putting anything else on hold.  Whatever happens, happens. Enjoy life, right?  Right. And i've been reading before bed for a good half hour or so- which is more than i've done in a long time.  My concentration is returning, my enjoyment returning - the restlessness somewhat subdued.  It must be the sun and the open windows.  Or maybe i'm just in a good place, even when i'm not.

Self imposed deadlines are sometimes the absolute worst to actually meet.  By the end of this month I HAVE to pre-qualify for a mortgage - which will officially place me in debt for the rest of my days. I am scared shitless. But also excited.  Very.  Excited. I have never lived alone.  I have never had to not consider someone else in where i chose to live. I can look for what I want, just me.  No compromise.  (aside from between the bank and I)  There is a part of me that wants to just pack up the little i have, throw it into a UHaul and hit the road.  The only problem is I don't have a burning desire to GO live anywhere else.  Apathetic?  Or maybe it's the knowledge that it's pretty much the same everywhere.  People are people are people.  I can and do adapt to any situation so it makes no difference to me.  That, and I actually like where i work.   Higganum is beautiful, there is no denying it. ...

Every day he  makes awkward small talk with me even though i'm blank staring him. Sometimes, he has "an emergency" that ONLY I can help him with  as he hands me his minuscule thumb drive that allows him the opportunity to come behind my chair, stand over me and look down my shirt. Please find the file he lost.  I do.  Right where he saved it. You're welcome.  Again. He brings my dog treats that he will not eat - my saying "he won't eat treats" not being clear enough. Today, I met his dog.  I did make all the appropriate girl noises........i mean, it's not the dogs fault.  Right? How uncomfortable does it have to get before it stops?  Will it?  Ever? He is harmless.  If he would be just a little bit forward I would have clearance to explain how it's not going to happen.  Not now.  Not ever. Not. Or am i imagining it.  Isn't that how most women feel? I must remind myself not to play his role - That there have...

Over the past 6 months so many of my feelings have been conflicted that I tend to second guess my reactions to people and situations more than i ever have in the past.  I don't always trust my initial reaction any more.  My instincts with people must be flawed if i could have been so wrong about the person i thought was closest to me. Part of me knows that isn't true, and is in fact, quite self centered.  To think I had anything to do with what HE did....that's just me still trying to be part of the life i thought i had with him.  There are two sides of me now.......the one that remembers how i thought it was, and the one that clearly sees how it really was. I don't want to live that double life ever again, where what is really happening is ignored so that I don't hurt anyone, or disrupt anything. This may be extremely childish, but it's how i feel.  Friends of mine shouldn't be accepting his new fuck into their lives.  If they ever cared for me at al...

My new doctor put me on an additional medication that allows me to stay awake all day, and even have some energy that is supposed to help me lose weight. Last night I fell asleep (crashed and burned) before 9:30pm while watching the new Louis C.K. video on Netflix.  Thats saying quite a bit about how hard i fell asleep because i only lust after him daily (I know, I know) and had been looking forward to watching this show all day. I also actually slept.  The whole night.  I woke up at 5:15am thinking it was my middle of the night pit stop, and was shocked to realize i hadn't woken up all night.  First time in.......i can't remember. I wonder if the stress of the tick i pulled off my leg last night, without screaming blue murder and upsetting the whole house, knocked me out - or the new combination of meds is actually working for me. OR is it that i finally shed some extra heartache i had been carrying around?  Acceptance is a wonderful thing.  I have...