Walking Barefoot in Snow

I'm so glad i met him.  He loves me so much that when i leave the room he watches the door for my return.  He's not so good at listening to me, but he is never crabby and he kisses me on demand.  Every night he curls against me and keeps me warm.  He's the most agreeable and loving male i've ever had the luck to associate with. Miyagi. Today marks our first year together.  I met him, under duress, last year right before Memorial Day weekend.  I was told "come and meet him, he's meant for you".  He was exactly what i said i did not want.  Scrawny, not a puppy, timid.....but, okay.  I will meet him because my girlfriend who runs the shelter insisted it was destined. I spent 4 hours there that day, 3 of which were sitting on a cement floor.  He was sooooo tiny and fragile.  He was obviously attached to his foster mom, and vice versa.  I asked her why she didn't keep him herself and she told me she didn't want to put him th...

Memorial Day weekend, in past years, has been one where "we" would all go to the New Hampshire house and spend the weekend together.  We'd go riding on the bikes one day, picnic at the lake with the kayaks the next - go to flee markets......sit by a huge bonfire at night, drinking, eating, laughing...being quiet.  It was one of my favorite places on this earth and the people i spent the weekend with, some of my favorite people. But that was then.  And while its okay for me to remember and smile- that time has passed.  I'm glad to have had it.  The rule up there on that property is that its the men that are constants and the women- well, they change.  There was always the core group for as long as i had ever been going- the long timers, I was the newbie. He had never brought anyone (female) there before me.  So of course because i like to punish myself, all I could think about this weekend was "Is he there with her?" Here's the funny part.  I d...

It's true.  Life throws punches you never admit you saw coming, where you live, where you call home - who you call home, it can change in a moment.  You feel like life as you know it has been destroyed and you barely have the energy or heart to even think about where you will go now, how you will begin to rebuild. For me, it started with having my dearest friend nearly demand that i move in with her and her family.  I was so befuddled, so out of my head and lost that had she not taken over my place of residence problem i'm not sure where i would be right now.  It wasn't a matter of not being able to pay for an apartment - but the whole idea of packing up my home, deciding what to fairly leave behind, detaching from the town I loved but could no longer bear to be in, all of it.....was just too much.  I think now that i would have ended up in a very bad place, mentally and physically.   And it wasn't just her, it was many of my friends offering assist...

Where do i start?  How do i sort this out?  Do i really need to or am i obsessing?  "Thinking too much"........ My therapist, as i have stated before, is awesome.  I'm so glad i found her.  She has a lovely sense of humor and isn't at all stodgy, however, she doesn't pull any punches.  She is succinct, one of my favorite qualities for a person to have.  At the end of my last session she told me to pay attention to how my body is reacting to given situations (certain people and/or situations literally make me sick) and then told me "Maybe you have chemistry with the wrong kind of man"......so simple.  so dead on true. What is this push i have to find a mate?  Why is it necessary to me?  It's not as if i don't have enough to do, and there is plenty more waiting should i decide i'm bored of what i'm currently occupied with.  Why do i continually search?  For the first time in my life I am alone.  That can be said with a e...

Today you called me twice in a row.  I know this because although my phone doesn't ring and you cannot leave a message or text, it does let me know when a blocked caller has called.  I'm not sure why it does that. I don't need to know you called any more than i need to answer, or listen to a message. I'm sure your reason had to do with our cat.  I know you are sad. We are all sad.  You shouldn't look for comfort in me, if that is in fact why you called.  I'm not the one.  I certainly am not looking to you for any comfort.  I don't want to cry with you, or talk about funny things she did.  You aren't the one. You were at one time but you didn't want that anymore.  You made your choice and now you get to live with it.  Any shaky relationship we had left ended with your last "fuck you" to me.  It was in that moment that i realized you had no care for me, probably never had.  You cared for yourself, and for what i could do for ...

She was something different to everyone.  Even her name was spelled differently by everyone.   Arwyn, Arwen, Arwin- She answered only her real names, Queen.  Or Hussy.  Our tiny white secret, worthy of eviction if necessary.  Time goes by so rapidly because she seems too young to have left us.  Didn't I just find her in Lindsay's room yesterday?   She knew who to persuade, who to bat her pretty little eyes at.......from day one she spoke to me with that little but loud "meow" and she secretly became mine, even though my daughter claimed her. Everyone who knew her claimed her.  Years later, after the kids had left home and my relationship with "him" ended, everyone wanted to take her.  I wanted her, he wanted her, Lindsay and Tim both wanted her......she was not without love, this little girl.  It hurts my heart to say goodbye.  I'm so glad we were able to know you. 

The good news is that the happy feeling is still mostly with me.  The bad news is that I majorly triggered myself and basically had a shut down.  Only for one night and a day though.  So i consider this progress on my part. I didn't call everyone in creation as if i was drowning.  I wasn't.  I was just very very sad and my brain was saturated with memories, good and bad.  I sat with it.  I lay there all night allowing myself to think and to feel and to deal.  In the morning I took care of myself by calling in to work and having a day of silence with just me, myself and I.  I didn't force the happy face on, I didn't damper the feelings rioting through me, and i didn't stop the tears with a strong face.  I just let it all come, and go, and come again. The temptation was strong to stay in bed and sleep - however, that's just another avoidance technique that i'm quite good at using.  All it does is prolong the pain and anxiety. ...

I'm so close to completing my final project for the art course i'm taking......i can taste it.  The altered book i've been working on has been both a blessing and a curse, at times saving me from myself and a negative thought pattern.  I've put a lot of me into this project. As someone who has never been "good" at artistic endeavors this whole experience has been a pleasant surprise.  I signed up because it is completely off my beaten track, nothing i would have even considered taking if my life hadn't been in such complete disarray during the registration period.  I wanted to be anyone but me, DO anything but what i normally did........and my only regret, as usual, is that i didn't do it sooner. Sometimes mistakes turn into the most beautiful expressions of what we need to convey.  I'm someone who is comfortable with words and now i have found a brand new way of communication without sound or even context.  It just, is.   The more time ...