Walking Barefoot in Snow

yeah, so i went through old texts today.......because i'm a glutton for punishment. The ones i shared with Mike in the beginning have "fallen off"....which makes me sad because i wanted to re-visit that.  Stupid.  I know.  I have the flesh and blood man, texts don't come close to him. THEN i re-read some other texts and finally re-read some of the ex's texts.  Mostly i'm pissed at myself for being such a .....pathetic creature.  How embarrassing to go back and see the state I was in.....at least i didn't beg.  I AM a grown up.  Re-reading the texts made me glad i'm not sitting at home waiting for him anymore.  I'm glad i'm not the one trusting him, half ass or otherwise.  There's no hate, but there are still thoughts.  Memories.  Anger.  Nostalgia.  No regret.  yet.  I'm waiting for that to stop because it feels strange when it happens.  I feel disappointed in myself.  I also know that it's goin...

Matt, oh Matt.  How could you?  First it was Kevin, then Louie and now you.   I guess i don't understand what it's like to be a man.  Or to raise a man like you - because i'm QUITE sure that my son hasn't and wouldn't act like any of you.  He was raised by me.   I talk to him, have always talked to him AND my daughter about topics that many shy away from, or "protect" children from. The kind of protection that allows someone to victimize your children because they don't know how to respond to a predators advances. BUT Pedophilia is a completely separate topic and should not be assumed to be part of my thought process at this moment.   There are people out there having a hard time distinguishing the difference between victimizing a child, or an able minded adult.(Kevin??) Men/anyone who is using their power or position to force women/anyone into a situation they are forced into, need to pay a price for their behavior.  Bec...

I am grateful for this cup of steaming black coffee and the last piece of apple crumb pie that i just ate for BREAKFAST., Happy Thanksgiving!  Really.  I mean it.  No sarcasm.  It's early, the house is quiet aside from the "tinks" that come from the heat occasionally.  Heat.  I'm so grateful for HEAT that comes on with the flick of a switch.  My eyes popped open this morning and my little love was curled up next to me instead of my big love...like he knew i needed the reminder that i am his first love.  I am grateful for Miyagi, the 5 pound furry little ferocious (he thinks so) beast that literally saved my sanity.  I am grateful for his wiggly welcome back dance, his licks, his head butts, his happy bark and his soulful eyes that balance his adorable underbite.   I am his.  I gave myself to his unconditional love the moment i met him and it was the best thing I ever did.  Just like i gave myself over to the myth o...

You know how you think something is going to be quick and easy and you are completely wrong?  Yeah, that is me.  Always.  I should know to add about 6 months minimum to any "weekend" project i think i'm going to accomplish. But it's okay.  Anything good is worth waiting for.  I just need a few more hours in the day, and eventually i'm going to have that.  Just not now.  I'm trying to stock up on supplies that will be needed on those snow days I am "stuck" at home......hahahaha "stuck"......i'm actually wishing for snow.  Shhhhh.  All day in the house to work on my projects with loud music accompanied by horrid singing and bad dancing.....sounds lovely to me.  That or chanting monks and lit candles.....who knows.  Like Bobbie sang, it's my prerogative. And food.  I'm making my list of food to stock up on for the marathon cooking and freezing i have planned, in my head. This week i'm going to attack the mysterious free...

It seems that there is always at least one person I love that has to be angry and or disatisfied with me.  My life can never be 100% good. That's not true though, because I'm not that woman anymore. I'm sorry if anyone I care about is upset with me but this is my life and I'm living it the way I see fit.  With no apologies. I love my family, my friends and my man. That should be enough. If it's not, and anyone feels the need to pass judgement on me or my choices that is not my problem. Sorry you don't agree or approve. I still love you. I'm still making my own choices. Push me away with hurtful comments, tell me how little my being in your life matters.....i still love you. I'm not going to force you to share my happiness but I do want you to look deep and ask yourself why.  Why does my finally being happy make you so angry?  My family. My friends. My man. (Boyfriend sounds so childish) I love each one but I will not be shit on by anyone. Ever. Again...

This morning i had a conversation with someone i know  through work that has really given me some perspective.   Both her children are in the armed forces AND work as police officers.  Last year around this time both were deployed within a month of each other and her brother, who lived with her, passed away a month later.   She told me she didn't know how she did it, she just kept going. The holidays are upon us and my bad habit of getting myself all crappy about it has started.  But why?  My children are safe and happy.  I am with a man I love who treats me like gold.  I have much to be grateful for.  There is no reason to carry the old negativity by rehashing the past over and over as far back as i can remember. She kept going.  And things WILL get better eventually.  I know this first hand.  

This morning i had extra time to spare before going in to work so i stopped at the local deli and ordered an egg sandwich.  I go there often, as most around here do, and they know me mostly because of Miyagi usually being in my arms.  If i go in without him, they want to know where he is.  Anyway, any single women looking to meet men - go into your local deli in the morning when all the workmen are on their break and getting their breakfast.  Trust me.  Do it.  If you like that kind of man it's a candy store. This morning I felt like the special.  This hasn't happened to me in a while which is why I can now say with proof that attractiveness is in your attitude and how you hold yourself.  Mike makes me feel gorgeous.  He never stops telling me, and touching me, and putting me first.  Now, should self satisfaction come from someone on the outside telling us?  Maybe not.  Of course not.  HOWEVER, to have a man look at me t...

Probably i've mentioned that holidays aren't my favorite.  In recent years they have gotten better in some regards and stayed the same in others.  Lets just say that while others may be all excited i'm usually trying to find a hole to go hibernate in till it's all over. The man i called Dad was not my biological father.  When he married my mother (#2 husband) he wanted me to take his last name also so he adopted me.  Where HE fully claimed me, his family, not so much.  I wasn't "blood", i was Kathy's kid from another man.  (Who, incidentally, gave up his rights to me without a glance backward) Usually, this didn't effect me until the holidays - when the other grandchildren, the blood relatives, would get boxes and boxes of gifts from the aunties and uncles and i would get a card from my grandmother.  I did have one favorite auntie who would always give me a gift.  I adored her.  She made me feel included as much as she could.  I rememb...

This is my favorite time of year.... I love everything about it, temps cooler in the evening with sunny days and crisp air.  That smell, even though it's rotting leaves, okay..........the colors, the way the sun seems brighter to me........ I love not having to wear a winter coat or worry about snow and ice, but getting to wear jeans and cozy sweaters. I start to get that hibernating urge and i collect "projects" and books to keep me occupied in preparation for the winter.  I pack away the summer clothes and take out the winter clothes which always feels like getting new clothes to me.  Even so, I can't wait to finish my "closet" which is a whole room.  I feel so lucky to have a whole room to put just my "stuff" in.  A total girl room. White furs, crystals, mirrors, plush, soft.......like me.  I don't just feel lucky.  I AM lucky. Unpacking is pretty much done.  I threw a lot out.  I have a huge box of things to bring to Good Will and...