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March 27, 2004

 Looks like March 27th 2004 was a big day for me.  I had 3 blog entries which i will now read to myself and try not to reach out into the past and slap my dumb face.


Entry #1 where i talk about painting my kitchen (at the time i was living in Old Saybrook and had moved into an apartment "as is") I talk about me calling D and him being cranky and snapping my head off. Then i got a text at 1am from his brother.  hmmmmm.   It says his brother then called me and we talked and he made me laugh and i asked myself "what is wrong with this picture?"

 HONEY.

The second entry is me complaining that it shouldn't be his brother calling me, making me laugh and putting a smile on my face.  It should be D. Who doesn't seem to give a care.  I ask myself, am i thinking about this too much....I talk about how D constantly tells me what he's going to do and never actually does it.  How when i point out that he cancels on me quite a bit he turns it around on me, getting angry and calling me unreasonable.  

Third entry! 

"I know i need to protect myself because i see major hurts coming down the pike.  If he can't keep his word to me, i need to be able to disconnect."


What the actual fuck was i waiting for?  A blast of lightening?  A boulder to land on my head?  A train to hit me?   This mantra began in 2004.  To say i was slow is an understatement.

I saw all the signs, i IDENTIFIED the behavior, that it was wrong for me.......and yet, i continued on. Trying to make "the right man at the wrong time" something he never was.  

What would i say to myself if I had the chance to go back in time and talk to me?  What could i say that my closest friends weren't already saying?  Leave him.  Move on.  He's not the one and he will never make you happy.  I heard it all.  And promptly ignored it.

But why?

This is what i struggle with to this day.  Years later i have become the exact opposite.  If a man looks at me or speaks to me in a cranky way, i'm done.  If he cancels a date, i'm done.  If he does ANY LITTLE thing that reminds me of my ex........i'm done.  Cold, hard , fast.....dead to me.  Keep it moving. 

I can't say that is an improvement, it's just a change.  Another reaction instead of an action.

But how do i stop?  Maybe it's by actually using my words and listening to his without the weight of my baggage hanging over my arm.  Maybe when a man shows interest in me, makes me laugh and wants to actually spend time with me (outside of bed) it's because i'm likeable.  And maybe my mental status shouldn't rely so heavily on what anyone, family, friend or man thinks of me or what i'm doing or not doing.  Maybe my validation needs to come from me.  The one living my life.

It's a thought.

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