Walking Barefoot in Snow

 are  crazy. I said it. I've known more than a few and every.single.one has proven to be crazy. I must like that. When i'm looking, no-one is interested.  When i'm happy, and cozy, ready to settle in for a long winters nap...they crawl out of the woodwork.   Why?  I'm fat, old, my bones hurt, i'm kinda cranky when i'm not laughing too hard....and i get blocked by men I dated so they don't have to see me on social media.  Wimps.  All of them.  I'm too much for them and they aren't enough for me.  I could rip myself apart, think that i'm not good enough but the fact is i'm just not easy enough for low effort men.  I can live with that. My family loves me, my friends love me, and i love me.  If these men can't get on board with my need for transparency, honesty, MANLINESS and a backbone then i'm not the one.  One man will be lucky to have me and i deserve to also be lucky to have him.  New Jersey isn't that far.  ...

Saturday night, when i went to see the bands with my friends a man I dated for a short time showed up.  I only knew because one of my friends recognized him when he came in. He thinks he's a big badass and acts like the world should stop when he arrives. I'm a bigger badass than him.  That's all I'm saying. I carried on having a good time with my friends and promptly forgot he existed.  If he made his way over to me, i'd say hello, be polite and that'd be it.  If he didn't make his way over, even better.   Let me say, I had forgotten about him after I cut it off, however, he started dating a woman who felt the need to reach out and tell me he told her alllllll about me the first time they met. Okay, weirdo. But when she continued to message me, and THEN told me he was sitting next to her, I may have lost my temper.  Listen you drug addled, GED buying, butter face bitch.....nobody wants your man.  Relax. Maybe take a bath and soak off the skank....

 This morning i got out of the shower and there was no bath towel.......... If I'm anything, I'm methodical with workday morning routine.  I always hang up my wet towel so it dries for the next day.  I'm not one of those freaks that needs a new towel every day.  My body is clean when I use it, what does throwing it into a washing machine do to improve it?  By the end of the week (yes, an ENTIRE WEEK of one bathtowel) I wash it because I figure it's time to refresh. I do what I want. But this morning.......no towel. My first thought is....who moved my towel? My second thought is........that's crazy, no one moved it. But I have no idea where it is. I glance suspiciously around the apartment, just in case someone has broken in to steal my towel. No one. Oh well.  I go get a new one in the closet, now dripping water all over the floor.  I've already moved on to the next phase of morning routine. After lotion, deodorant, towel dry hair (special towel for ha...

 If you were to ask me what I want to do when i'm not working, it's be home.  By myself.  I clean, I putz around, rearrange furniture, watch TV, craft a bit, read, talk to my pets........and most recently I do this after eating a few gummies.  It makes for a very uneventful, peaceful, restful, drama free weekend. It can also happen too often.  Before long I realize I'm not really enjoying the peace and quiet as much as hiding in it.  A little goes a long way.  Too much will slam me into depression. Doing anything too much isn't healthy.  Talking to a man that lives halfway across the country isn't smart.  There's literally no point.  And of course, now instead of knowing someone in IOWA that I can chat with occasionally, there are hurt feelings.  See if this makes sense.  He has a life firmly planted where he is.  I have a job that will keep me here for another 9 years.  I'm not leaving my job.  He's not leaving ...

 Thursdays are kind of my Friday now with me working remotely on Friday.  I obviously still work on Friday however, I get up later, have coffee at my desk with the morning news on (well, not anymore for the news) and sign in remotely to see whats on my plate for the day. I don't shower, I just roll on over to my desk in PJs.  That feels so decadent.  So while I'm working, it doesn't really feel like work.   I guess getting up at the crack of dawn, showering, figuring out what to wear and painting my face on is a lot less fun than I ever thought it would be. I will say that I need to be in the office the majority of the time.  I am still learning so much from my boss and I don't think we've even really scratched the surface yet of what I need to know.  My boss is brilliant, was a NeuroSurgeon and now at 81 years old he still is "on".  I am so lucky to have landed with him, to be able to work beside someone who is just so damn SMART and yet, is...

 This morning i was listening to the news as I got ready for work, like I always do, when I decided "enough".   So I opened a podcast and IT'S all about crimes so I promptly turned IT off. Audio book?  Seems safe.  I'm listening to Stephen King's FairyTale.  It's okay.  Better than the news and my "favorite" podcasts.  So I go with that. after shower I sit on my bed and review social media as I'm drying off.  Something sets me off and makes me VERY angry.   I don't need this stupid shit in my life. So I write a little "back later" note on my page and sign out of all my accounts. I'm in a piss mood.  I've had just about enough of shitty situations I have no control over and yet seem to be front and center for.  No. More. I want my life before the internet when I spent time with my family and friends to find out what they were up to, when I read books that had actual pages and weight........when I rented movies I wanted to w...

 This morning, as I drove to work, I was contemplating how much longer this back-and-forth conversation with the IOWA man should continue.  Eventually he is going to want to meet, the hints have already begun, and even if he turned out to be Mr. wonderful, how is that going to work? Why do I get this panic feeling in my chest and why does it replace the feeling of curiosity?  I can literally feel myself shut down - like I'm watching it happen to someone else.  And then, no matter how reasonable, or how much sense the opposite is - I'm done.  I can try to analyze, or prevent, but I'm talking to a brick wall. I don't know WHY, I thought for a long time (8 years to be exact) that I'm just broken and will never have that burning desire to be with anyone again.  Then I met Tattoo man and I was completely out of control.  My hands couldn't stop touching him, I couldn't stop smiling when thinking of seeing him, I never wanted to leave him and couldn't wait to...

 on some weekends. Friday night i headed out to Milford to spend the weekend with my couple.  That sounds so.....not what it is.  We just enjoy each others company and tend to do a lot of thrift shopping, store exploring and craft making.....along with some gummie eating. We had another shenanigans gathering on Saturday night to discuss our upcoming holiday dinner together and it turned into a full course meal because.......Jen.  Thats one of the reasons I like to go early because after having vacationed with them a few times I know how much work she puts into each gathering and I will not let them do it alone anymore.  I am an official sous chef  Late into Saturday night when most had left one of our friends lamented on the "old days" and missed "that mb".......the party starter.  The MB that decided anyone getting into the hot tub could not be wearing clothing of any kind.  The random hugger, kisser, laugh really louder.   I guess I'm ...

 Here is that feeling.  The one where I want to cut and run.  Just STOP.  Almost (exactly) like panic. Tonight we have a video call date, which I instigated.  Because I like to set myself up for failure, I like to ruin a good thing.   It's the catfish thing, and the fact that just because my face can be pretty doesn't mean everyone is attracted to me.  I am plus sized.  More bang for your buck, more cushion for the pushing....and all those other things that may or may not be true.  The kind of woman that is good enough to sleep with, but you don't introduce her to your friends, take her out in public where people may know you, etc. I've been hurt.  big deal. Before I keep enjoying our conversations or start looking forward to them, I need him to see what I am and I need to see what he is.  He is concerned that he will look worn out at the end of a work day....I wish that was my concern. Don't get me wrong here.  I'm not do...

 I just got a text that made me smile like a goof ball. Okay, fine.  I've been talking to someone for a couple of weeks.   I honestly don't think it's going to go anywhere. He lives in friggin Iowa, closer to Nebraska. Met him in the facebook group for over 50 singles.  We have bantered since the beginning, raised a little bit of hell in the room egging each other on.  And then we'd always say "sooooo far".   One day we ended up private messaging, then exchanging phone numbers, then calling each other.  We can't seem to shut up.  We call them dates and they last for hours.  I walk around with my earbuds in and he is sometimes working, sometimes at home. He drives a truck.  Local now but long haul for most his life.  Has also been a bouncer on and off.  He is fun to talk to, has the same sense of humor I do and it never gets boring.  We've been telling each other our life stories, what we want to do when we retire...

 Smoking, cussing, too many tattoos and attitude seem to be the top answers in the single over 50 group I'm in online. I can see why smoking.  Tats are a personal preference, some only like women covered in them.  Cussing, well, count me out but I get why it would be a problem for some.  It's the attitude one that stumps me. So vague, yet so often used as an answer. I want to ask what kind of attitude, but I'm already disliked by most of the religious, midwest men folk in that room.  They do NOT enjoy my humor or honesty.  My "attitude" I'm assuming. Thats totally fine, I'm not for everyone nor do I aspire to be. I'm continually intrigued and sometimes infuriated by the marked differences in how people view life based on their geographical location.  The East and West Coast seem to have more open minds, "liberal" and then you have the group that wants women to remain in their "place" and the women who WANT to remain in their place.....

 This morning i was sitting in traffic and got the "ick".  The traffic light by my house seems to be extremely long lately, and this morning, sitting through multiple cycles of this light (long line of traffic) I got eyeballed by the man in the car in front of me. Not just an occasional glance back to see how long the stupid line was getting. or just looking around bored. STARING in his review mirror.  At me.   So I look in MY rearview mirror to see how clearly I can see the person sitting in the car behind me.  Clear as day.  drinking his coffee and either talking to someone or singing.  A GLANCE told me that. But this guy in front of me was balls out STARING at me.   I keep looking away, thinking, of course, that I am imagining the stare. but every time I look back, there are his eyeballs glued on me. What a strange feeling. No smile.  No yawning.  I can't think of a REASON. Just as I'm about to blow a kiss or flip the bird, ...

 It is what it is.  and IT looks like we have elected Trump as president.  It's not "official" yet, but.....it is. Harris didn't come out to speak to her supporters early this morning - I'm disappointed she didn't show up for everyone waiting to hear from her.  Not a good look. No the final counts haven't been tallied but it would have been super if she had been with the many people who thought she was our saving grace. Strange how things turn out. I'm looking forward to gas prices going down.   I'm looking forward to retirement looking better. I'm looking forward to our cost of living decreasing........ all the things that were the fault of our previous president are going to be "fixed". Right? Right.

 Well i did it.  I finally saw the Black Crowes live and got to hear some of my favorite songs straight from the horses mouth.  They were incredible.  Chris Robinson didn't stop moving or dancing for the whole show.  I love his voice, I love that groove, I'm glad I have been re-introduced. This time of year seems to be ours, Stephanie and I.  Seems all my best memories of things we've done are around this time.   Probably because it's right before her business gets busy and she can actually come out and have fun without being exhausted. I'd like to spend more time with her and the only way to really do that is at her shop.  I should offer to do the grunt work on Saturdays.  The only problem is I'm not a huge fan of Naugatuck these days.  Can't help but wonder what he's up to and honestly, that just pisses me off.   I'll get over it.  The guy that's trying to get back into my life (from years ago) has been cut loose....