Walking Barefoot in Snow

  I wish i could remember every single moment of the last time. I know it was incredibly satisfying and fun. And now........I'm done.  I quit. Finit.   Sex is not worth all the bullshit that comes with it........meaning the man.  They think because they have good dick they can act any way they want. Well.  I have my own skill set, and it's no longer available to flaky males.  B.O.B never left me hanging, never treated me like an option, and never made me feel like I'm not worthy of its attention.   So, I'll be investing in batteries and moving on with my stress-free, happy existence with people who love me and men?........men can go play their games with someone who enjoys that.   Have fun with that.  Loyalty is rare, and it needs to be valued. Woke up this morning looking for some kind of response, some sign of life from him.  I have to acknowledge not only is he not interested, he's disrespectful and common.  He ...

 It figures, doesn't it, that the one guy I have any interest in spending time with keeps me hanging. I know it's not healthy.  I know I've lamented on this and I'm still coaching myself through the "leave him be" and "take care of me" experiment in learning from past mistakes. Can't help it, I like him.  A lot.  Ugh. Idiot. In the meantime I have men I've briefly dated sending me messages that go unanswered, yet they continue to reach out......and I think to myself.."don't be like that"  Don't be the text that he receives, rolls his eyes, and doesn't bother answering. I got a heartfelt "lets try this again" yesterday from a man who left me the most juvenile, nasty, valentine on my doorstep because I dared to tell him I didn't want to see him anymore.  I think, NO THANK YOU. Short memory much?    Then there's the guy that took my ending it well, but stalks my social media while he has a girlfriend.   My...

Sleep with ONE Date a FEW Talk to all That sounds like a lot to me.  But, it also sounds smart. I just don't have all that energy to give to so many men.  However, I will put myself out there in case that one special guy meant for me alone is out there.  As they say, He won't find me in my living room.  I'm joining one of those clubs that usually has a few places in each state - I want to be comfortable going there by myself to have a drink and in the nice weather, listen to live music.  I want to meet people by volunteering, working at events, and participating in life with people doing the same. If I meet someone it will be icing on the cake.  You know, the old fashioned way - get to know each other over time by seeing each other around other people and developing a friendship first.  If not, at the very least I will have a place I can go where I know people.  Friends have spouses and plans, they can't always be available at the last minute to f...

 I spent this past weekend at my friends house to stay busy around good company.  Friday night I packed up Miyagi and a weekend bag and headed out to the shoreline.  Their house feels like a second home to me, I am that comfortable there.   This is where I may drink a little too much, or perhaps smoke or have more gummies than usual....my testing grounds for how much is too much because i'm safe there.  (yes, I also felt that way at "his" house) I don't have to worry about what i'm wearing or what stupid nonsense comes into my brain and out of my mouth.  I always laugh my ass off with them.  They are like family to me. We joke about being a throuple, only I don't get any sex. On Saturday we spent the day on the boar.  The weather was perfect and I still got sunburned because.....i'm Irish.  We burn.  It felt so good to be on the water and just relax, talk to Doug - Jen ignored us and enjoyed her peace.  Even Miyagi seemed to be...

  My brain is finally accepting that I made a mistake.   I've dated a lot of men (that sound bad, but....i have) and I have not become attached to any.  Even the short rebound relationship I had where I actually moved in with a man......I felt numb inside.  I shed no tears when I moved out, I had no feelings about it other than I had made a mistake.   I've tried.  I have had fun and enjoyed meeting the majority of men, but basically, have had no feelings of investment.  I dated the few for as long as I could stand it, felt like I was suffocating or always pissed off and ended it. Maybe..........maybe this last man was karma biting me in the ass for my abrupt departure from those short lived experiments.  Maybe my lack of consideration for their feelings in my effort to not waste any more of their time wasn't kind.   I hope so, because I definitely feel as if there is a lesson to be learned here. I felt those butterflies that de...

 Still no sleep.   I smoked yesterday, by myself sitting on my deck swing watching the bunnies.  I am really beginning to understand why people feel so strongly about weed. It's very nice.  Still a novice and plan on staying that way.  I can't afford an addiction financially or mentally. I have a goal to not be able to live without anything but air, food, water and sleep.  I'm working on it. I have aged in the past week.  I can see it in my face.  I see it in my eyes.  But I will bounce back once I get the CPAP up and running and start losing weight again.  Yesterday I signed up for the gym at work that has the resistance machines I want to use, and a yoga class once a week that maybe I'll be able to modify until I can actually do it again. Yoga feels incredible.  Keeps you flexible.  I need the strength right now in more ways than one. I did what I historically do and joined a dating site only to shut it down a day later....

  I'm struggling. Not in a cry and boohoo feel sorry for myself way.......more in a regretful frustrated way. At this moment, I'm not right for multiple reasons. I haven't been sleeping well because my CPAP supplier company has been giving me the run around (this blog just reminded me that I missed my Dr. appt this morning to get my prescription renewed) I've been fighting with them for years, refuse to continue to buy my supplies because my insurance covers it and now I'm starting to use a new company - starting all over again. Haven't used my CPAP in about a month.  Sleep has been SUCK.  And now I'm preoccupied with the man situation which makes me have stress dreams.  Add to that - I suddenly just stopped taking my weight loss medication due to my specialist thinking my insurance wasn't going to continue to cover her, so she just refused to renew my prescription.  What a piece of shit.  My job covers weight loss through a new program now, but anyone a...

 How can i feel so defeated, and at the same time proud of myself?   Why would I throw a wrench into a situation over a label?  We are always told that actions speak louder than words......why didn't I just pay attention to his actions? Most times, in my experience, men will say "yes we are in a relationship" and then act very much like they are NOT.  Never did I expect the opposite.  I didn't even know such a thing COULD happen.  But it did.  And now I'm turned upside down because I really thought I had heard and seen it all within the world of dating and relationships.  Nope.  Wrong there too. LUCKY ME.  If a man says we are exclusive, without me asking, and clarifies that if I start seeing other men we will no longer continue......okay.....That's literally a first for me.  That's usually a conversation I bring up first, because I'm scared to death of STD's and jealous crazy ladies that aren't aware he's dating....BUT he brou...

 When i was married and had small children i was able to stay at home with them.  We did not want them to go to daycare.  I would get up in the morning with the kids, and we had our daily routine of meals and playtime, naptime and more playtime while i managed to clean the house, grocery shop, take them to the library and parks and then have dinner on the table for when hubby arrived home. I actually worked a part time job at night as well, so i could have my "own money" and honestly, so i could have adult conversation. Those were happy years mostly.  We weren't rich, but we each had our role.  He went out and made the money to pay the bills and i took care of the family and everything at home.  Time went on, the kids went to school, i went to school and worked, he worked - He bought a home with his parents that i got to live in with him and the kids (yes, i said it) and eventually we both had a full time income for a short period of time.  blah blah b...

  I must be in a good place because not only have I been blogging fairly consistently, I've also been reading like crazy.  For a long time I had no interest in doing either. Today has been informative, but before I jump into why, I want to write about what just happened.  I started a new position in February, after having worked in a crazy toxic and chaotic environment for a year before that.  I've been with this institution for 5 years now, and that last year was a soul crusher.  ANYWAY, I've moved on and I am working my way through learning a completely new job, with all of my previous experience and strengths coming into play.  I'm left to my own devices and that is a strange feeling- and yet wildly rewarding.  I put my heart and soul into this work and it gets heavy with data - I lose hours of time sometimes, getting lost in the how to's and the what if's. And because it's all new, I've been creating flow charts and instructions - along with lesson...

many months ago I was on a dating site for about 2 days and I started talking to one particular gentleman and we decided to meet. I gave him my number, we talked, texted, set up said date - nothing unusual.  The day of, he contacted me and said "a project deadline" had come up and he had to work, could we reschedule. This was a weekend, mind you. I had been dreading the date, as I normally do with a stranger, and took the opportunity to decline a reschedule.  (Also, I'm not dumb or desperate)  He kept texting me trying to talk me into going out - said I was "overreacting" ......because I declined?  My alarms start going off.  Why does this man care so much?  Big deal no date.  So what?  We never met.  Move on.  I stopped answering, he stopped texting.  About a month later he reached out to me on Linkedin.  Gotta love linkedin.  It's a wealth of information.  I told him, I wasn't interested.  Said I was seeing som...