Pieces

Is there a reason I should keep anyone I don't like, or even dislike in my life?  Can someone answer that for me?  One good reason is all i'm looking for because this seems to be a flaw of mine- this not associating with people I don't like (and who don't like me)  Yes, i'm an adult, yes, i am socially mature and can be in a room with someone I don't care for and not feel like i need to give them the short list of why they are distasteful to me, EVEN when alcohol may be involved.  I'm not a complete mutant.  Even if i did like you at one point and now no longer do.

It takes a lot for me to give up on someone.  Maybe it's because i'm flawed, and because i don't want to be abandoned because i'm not perfect. I have a really high tolerance for flawed individuals (translation "everyone")    "Perfect" people do not exist.  People who think they are perfect are the ones that I end up cutting loose - they make me uncomfortable, and the make me feel bad about myself- plus, they are no fun.  It's hard to be genuine when you are busy being perfect.  Making yourself vulnerable takes some humility and risk for mistakes.  Opening your heart to someone is extremely risky, and also, one of the great reasons for living.  

So what if not everyone knows that.  It's okay.  Someday the lightening bolt will strike and they will realize that all the acquiring and judging  and status seeking they have been taking part in and expecting to make them feel whole was not  the point.  Has never been the point.  Maybe there will be regret and that is also not the point and a huge waste of time better spent elsewhere.  To me, it's where they are at in their lives and for them it is right.  It is not my way, but that doesn't make it wrong- for them.  

I'm talking about very personal levels here, not global or even community.  I'm talking about me and you and that person over there.  

If you hurt me I don't forget it.  This is probably one of my greatest flaws.  It's not that I don't forgive, or move on.  I just never forget how I felt.  When a lot of those "i feel like shit around you" feelings build up they eventually add up to "I don't want you in my life".   My feelings are something i'm intimate with, I don't avoid them or lie about them or let them run wild without questioning them.  I search my soul and ask "why does this bother me?" and then- I move on.  

Sometimes someone will hit a nerve with me and I will identify almost immediately that it's not their fault i don't like them, it's my baggage.  Knowing this doesn't make it feel any nicer but at least I know I'm participating in the negative vibe- it's not that person alone.  Whew, and man do i have baggage.  Thing is, it's all neatly tagged so it's easy for me to identify.  That journey of identifying and tagging was unpleasant and completely necessary.  "mine, mine, mine.....nope, not owning that shit"  I'm very well aware when it's me and a lot of times, it is.  But not always.  

People who have been dismissed from my life, through their own actions have-

Abandoned me to fend for myself as a teenager- That's not mine.

Cut me out of their life because someone with more money made them choose - That's not mine.

Expected me to participate in their self destruction- That's not mine

Been aggressive and verbally abusive with me - That's not mine.

Hurt the people i love by constantly putting them down to elevate yourself - That's not mine.

That's actually a pretty short list to have acquired over my lifetime.  Maybe i'm not so flawed. huh.

I wish people who were constantly comparing themselves to others as a way to measure their own worth would take that journey as well.  Own your history and the part you played in it and make your choices based on what you want your future to be.  That is not a difficult concept.  The action.....that may be harder.  But the choice.  That's not hard.  

As long as we blame other people for our shitty feelings we are giving away any power we have over our own lives.  And that power is so limited as it is.  Why would anyone feel superior in blaming everyone else for how they feel?  It's such an oxymoron. 

When i've had enough of feeling like shit around you, i cut you loose.  I don't negotiate, I don't look back.  I move on.  And yes, it happens abruptly but i'm sure it's never a surprise.  It's a long time coming.  You know.  You can't not know.  I'm not referring to people who have grown out of my life, which is a naturally occurring phase with no hard feelings and often times quite pleasant memories.  I'm talking about removing someone like they are cancer cells. Because, to me, that's exactly what they are.  Maybe they are hearts and flowers to you and that's good for you.  To me, they are poison.  Bye Bye.