Some people have punching bags. I have my blog.
I’m looking for is a way to pop the emotional zit that gets larger
and takes up more space than it should whenever I try to pretend it’s not
there.
Time to get popped bitch.
My present life? Can’t ask for more without being greedy.
Situations have changed in my work so that I no longer need to barricade myself
behind a sign, or dread the opening of my office door. So that’s good. Our home is slowly but surely taking on the
look of a couple living there, and my relationship is the kind where fighting
is anticlimactic. We get annoyed. We go to our separate corners. We come back and appreciate that there is
literally no drama. It’s kind of weird and
honestly I’ve considered going back to my therapist to help me accept that I’m
in an adult relationship with a fully grown man. Which requires me to be a fully grown woman.
Dammit.
Am I happy? I am satisfied.
Many times, more often than not, I feel a surge of appreciation and
lightness. I feel a sense of security –
in myself. Blind trust isn’t something I’m
lucky enough to experience but thus far, that wall of protection has been steadily
chipped away by his reliable presence of actually wanting to be here. with me.
Sharing our life. that’s good too.
I still need more time alone than what others might consider
“normal”. I am easily drained by other
people. I’ve become more selective of where my energy is actually spent. I’m
taking care of my needs and paying attention to myself.
Like physical therapy.
Holy. Shit. Yes, that hurts! But then, days later I find that it worked so
I go back for more. They’ve made an
incredible difference in how my body feels and works from the inside. I can move in ways I haven’t been able to in…decades
maybe? Click click, poke and electrocute
…..wam bam I’m almost a person who can do things again! Like walk.
Without pain. Most of the time. I’ve
even added deep tissue massage to the regiment and let me tell you…..sigh. I got the word today to join a gym and start
moving.
Not so a man will think I’m worthy or attractive enough for
him.
So I can feel good and be healthy – you know. For me.
Mike tells me I’m beautiful every day.
The gym is for me. But still not
cleared for yoga. Yet. I can’t wait to
feel physically good again. I see it
around the corner….
My pain is literally in my past and yet it keeps rearing its
ugly head when I least expect it. Its
emotional. I didn’t ask for it, or call
it back. It just happens. My dreams are
vivid again and angry. There is no
peace. There is no SENSE. Just emotional pain and a whole lot of
anger. And embarrassment. And anger.
A lot of anger.
So. Did I mention anger?
Below this I went on a tirade of fuck you’s and you did this
and that and blah blah blah but I am smart enough to step away now because I know
everything is temporary. It felt good to
type it out but not so good to read it back to myself.
Here’s the lesson I’m learning on the daily – everything takes
time and not everything needs to be said.
Especially when it doesn’t matter anymore.
It may take years for me to detox. But it’s happening. Most people are complex and can have feelings
for many or more than one person at a time and still manage to act
honorably. Loyally. I can have residual feelings for what I thought
someone was to me. Seems like love is always the easiest to erase and anger
just wants to hang on forever. But there is no such thing as forever. Everything ends and then new things begin and
the cycle goes on and on. Someone with
strong character and a loyal heart, that’s the person I aspire to be, that is
my goal. Not dwelling in a past that
cant change. That truly is a waste of
time.
Who you are, what you think, how you feel and remember
things is up to you. Not mine to
carry. So – dreams be banished and
replaced with goals for the future events, relationships, lessons and living……I’m
on my way.
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