because its not about you

Some people have punching bags.  I have my blog. 

I’m looking for is a way to pop the emotional zit that gets larger and takes up more space than it should whenever I try to pretend it’s not there. 

Time to get popped bitch.

My present life? Can’t ask for more without being greedy. Situations have changed in my work so that I no longer need to barricade myself behind a sign, or dread the opening of my office door.  So that’s good.  Our home is slowly but surely taking on the look of a couple living there, and my relationship is the kind where fighting is anticlimactic.  We get annoyed.  We go to our separate corners.  We come back and appreciate that there is literally no drama.  It’s kind of weird and honestly I’ve considered going back to my therapist to help me accept that I’m in an adult relationship with a fully grown man.  Which requires me to be a fully grown woman.

Dammit.

Am I happy? I am satisfied.  Many times, more often than not, I feel a surge of appreciation and lightness.  I feel a sense of security – in myself.  Blind trust isn’t something I’m lucky enough to experience but thus far, that wall of protection has been steadily chipped away by his reliable presence of actually wanting to be here. with me. Sharing our life.  that’s good too.

I still need more time alone than what others might consider “normal”.  I am easily drained by other people. I’ve become more selective of where my energy is actually spent. I’m taking care of my needs and paying attention to myself. 

Like physical therapy.  Holy. Shit.  Yes, that hurts!  But then, days later I find that it worked so I go back for more.  They’ve made an incredible difference in how my body feels and works from the inside.  I can move in ways I haven’t been able to in…decades maybe?  Click click, poke and electrocute …..wam bam I’m almost a person who can do things again!  Like walk.  Without pain.  Most of the time. I’ve even added deep tissue massage to the regiment and let me tell you…..sigh.  I got the word today to join a gym and start moving. 

Not so a man will think I’m worthy or attractive enough for him.

So I can feel good and be healthy – you know.  For me.  Mike tells me I’m beautiful every day.  The gym is for me.  But still not cleared for yoga.  Yet. I can’t wait to feel physically good again.  I see it around the corner….

My pain is literally in my past and yet it keeps rearing its ugly head when I least expect it.  Its emotional.  I didn’t ask for it, or call it back.  It just happens. My dreams are vivid again and angry.  There is no peace.  There is no SENSE.  Just emotional pain and a whole lot of anger.  And embarrassment.  And anger.  A lot of anger.

So. Did I mention anger?

Below this I went on a tirade of fuck you’s and you did this and that and blah blah blah but I am smart enough to step away now because I know everything is temporary.  It felt good to type it out but not so good to read it back to myself. 

Here’s the lesson I’m learning on the daily – everything takes time and not everything needs to be said.  Especially when it doesn’t matter anymore.

It may take years for me to detox.  But it’s happening.  Most people are complex and can have feelings for many or more than one person at a time and still manage to act honorably.  Loyally.  I can have residual feelings for what I thought someone was to me. Seems like love is always the easiest to erase and anger just wants to hang on forever. But there is no such thing as forever.  Everything ends and then new things begin and the cycle goes on and on.  Someone with strong character and a loyal heart, that’s the person I aspire to be, that is my goal.  Not dwelling in a past that cant change.  That truly is a waste of time.

Who you are, what you think, how you feel and remember things is up to you.  Not mine to carry.  So – dreams be banished and replaced with goals for the future events, relationships, lessons and living……I’m on my way.