I'm reading a new book called "Power: surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse" by Shahida Arabi. I thought it looked interesting, and I've had it suggested to me by several people that one of my ex's is a Narcissist. So i picked it up, thinking i'd take a quick look.
First chapter i can't help but take out a pencil and begin underlining what is reaching out and smacking me in the face -
You rationalize it, and minimize it, hoping it was just an off-color comment or misunderstanding (no one is ever going to mistake you for a model)
New people, as well as new forms of torment, begin to show up; he introduces them into the sacred space of your relationship. He ignores you while he extols them; he demeans you while he praises them. (Oh, I've been friends with her for years. She's just a friend. You over react. You have me on a short leash. Why can't you be more like her?)
You become needy for approval, for any scrap of kindness, any leftovers of sincerity, any inkling for the dream he once constructed of meeting someone who truly saw you.
Once, you binged on his affection, and now you are starving from his lack of praise. You attempt to restrain yourself from feasting on the love of others while pretending to be satisfied with crumbs.
Closure is the only fairy tale, a myth, a legend. The only true closure can come from within.
This is the type of love story where the happy ending lies in not finding Prince Charming. Rather, it lies in the realization that he never existed at all.
After years of taking two steps forward and finding myself slipping back over and over again, of having people look at me with impatience and pity (if not outright anger) of learning to not speak of it, not out loud..........i am finally rounding a bend. I'm taking active assessment of the damage that i allowed to happen to my self esteem, self worth.
Because? I didn't know any better. I confused love with addiction. Some are addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex.........i was addicted to him. Still am. Always will be. Just like that cigarette I can never take one drag off without needing to smoke a pack a day. He is something i cannot treat casually without the sickness returning. I cant' have a phone conversation with him without him taking me to pain, or talking to me the same way he always did.....with disregard. He reaches out to make sure i'm still trapped in the web.
I'm near it, but i'm running fast in the other direction. I've hung around that web, trying to figure it out for too long. It's hard to realize that it was never about me, it was about my gullibility, my eagerness to please, my need to love and be loved....each of those characteristics an individual sticky strand that made up the web he wrapped me in. Until he decided to find a new web.
I believe people can change if they want to. If they realize what needs changing, and growing and make that conscious effort to do so. But sadly, many won't take a long hard look at themselves, let alone try to improve, or become a better person. It's safe to say that men like him don't change themselves, they change their audience, their location........but not themselves.
I'm always going to remember the love, (manipulation) and the times i was treated well (when he wanted something) and that is the part that has ruined my ability to love that deeply, that freely again. These scars, this sadness will eventually disappear for good and stop popping up when i least expect it to..........but the trust, that will never return.
First chapter i can't help but take out a pencil and begin underlining what is reaching out and smacking me in the face -
You rationalize it, and minimize it, hoping it was just an off-color comment or misunderstanding (no one is ever going to mistake you for a model)
New people, as well as new forms of torment, begin to show up; he introduces them into the sacred space of your relationship. He ignores you while he extols them; he demeans you while he praises them. (Oh, I've been friends with her for years. She's just a friend. You over react. You have me on a short leash. Why can't you be more like her?)
You become needy for approval, for any scrap of kindness, any leftovers of sincerity, any inkling for the dream he once constructed of meeting someone who truly saw you.
Once, you binged on his affection, and now you are starving from his lack of praise. You attempt to restrain yourself from feasting on the love of others while pretending to be satisfied with crumbs.
Closure is the only fairy tale, a myth, a legend. The only true closure can come from within.
This is the type of love story where the happy ending lies in not finding Prince Charming. Rather, it lies in the realization that he never existed at all.
After years of taking two steps forward and finding myself slipping back over and over again, of having people look at me with impatience and pity (if not outright anger) of learning to not speak of it, not out loud..........i am finally rounding a bend. I'm taking active assessment of the damage that i allowed to happen to my self esteem, self worth.
Because? I didn't know any better. I confused love with addiction. Some are addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex.........i was addicted to him. Still am. Always will be. Just like that cigarette I can never take one drag off without needing to smoke a pack a day. He is something i cannot treat casually without the sickness returning. I cant' have a phone conversation with him without him taking me to pain, or talking to me the same way he always did.....with disregard. He reaches out to make sure i'm still trapped in the web.
I'm near it, but i'm running fast in the other direction. I've hung around that web, trying to figure it out for too long. It's hard to realize that it was never about me, it was about my gullibility, my eagerness to please, my need to love and be loved....each of those characteristics an individual sticky strand that made up the web he wrapped me in. Until he decided to find a new web.
I believe people can change if they want to. If they realize what needs changing, and growing and make that conscious effort to do so. But sadly, many won't take a long hard look at themselves, let alone try to improve, or become a better person. It's safe to say that men like him don't change themselves, they change their audience, their location........but not themselves.
I'm always going to remember the love, (manipulation) and the times i was treated well (when he wanted something) and that is the part that has ruined my ability to love that deeply, that freely again. These scars, this sadness will eventually disappear for good and stop popping up when i least expect it to..........but the trust, that will never return.
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