FAFAFA FACEBOOK MEMORIES

 I’ve been sad the past few days.  Damn Facebook and it’s “memories”. 

Most of the time I kind of snicker and shake my head at what a complete idiot I was, purposely blind, blissfully ignorant.  But my traitor heart doesn’t listen to my intellect or the lessons I’ve learned in life.  It feels what it feels, and it defies all logic.

Good thing I don’t make decisions by listening to my heart, no matter what Roxette says.

I’m in my head a lot, and that will never change but I firmly believe that is what has kept me going when I wanted to give in and quit.  Not life, just the living of it.  I’m too stubborn and spiteful to ever give anyone the satisfaction of not being here on this earth.  But my will……..sometimes it needs a rest.

Thoughts can be poison so here I am, ready to spew.  All the karma I could have ever wished to see came around.  The man who played me, destroyed the life I loved, left me and never looked back?  He got everything he deserved.  Does it make me happy?  Nope.  And that seriously pisses me off.

It dragged up petty and spiteful thoughts, a small child stamping its foot in my head screaming “ITS NOT FAIR”.  He put me through all that and then……it wasn’t even successful.  What an asshole.  

This morning a friend we had in common kept interrupting my thoughts.  Finally, because these thoughts were so intrusive and persistent, I asked out loud “What the fuck Heather, What???”  I swear, I heard her laughing.  Her body has been silent for years, but she still lives large in memories when she wants to.

I don’t have the phone we used to text back and forth on anymore.  I lost a lot of pictures on that phone as well.  It was an instrument of pain and memories so I literally chucked it.  No such thing as a “cloud” to me at that time, so the memories are all still there, but not the proof of them.  So I went to my next source of history, FACEBOOK.  Conversations live there forever.  I read our interactions, her truths, her support, the love she showed me when she didn’t have to.  I cried as I read. Because I didn’t listen to her or any of my other friends who tried so hard to save me from myself.  To save me from him.

I had an evil thought of sharing parts of those conversations but they are dear to me and not for anyone else.  And she isn’t here to speak for herself or what she said.  It’s between us alone now.

She had tried to set me up with a close friend of hers after my relationship imploded.  I know I reached out, I know we chatted, but I know I wasn’t ready for any kind of expectations or projections in a romantic way.  The idea of caring for anyone was terrifying so I closed off the possibility of it ever happening. 

I dated like a crazy person, reminds me of bowling balls……..me charging at men and knocking them out of my path as I headed full speed into a dark hole of regret.  Rest while new men lined up neatly only for me to return to the beginning and do it all over again.  Some stood longer than others. 

Because I am a curious person and one that likes to stick my tongue up against canker sores frequently and hard………….I peeked at her friend's Facebook page.  He has passed.  She is gone.  He is gone.  And I am still here.  Life makes no sense. 

Life moves on and the cliché’s that describe it are truths.  You only live once, you never know when it will end, appreciate the people you love, live your dreams, don’t hold back, don’t be afraid to love.

But I am. 

Single means no one can hurt me like that again.  Independent means no disappointment when someone's word means nothing.  Freedom means I do what I want, when I want, how I want.  Alone.

I felt the need to work this out here.  And it makes sense to me, if not to you.  But thank you for the company. xoxo