Walking Barefoot in Snow

 This weekend.  Wooo.   Friday night i drove to Milford to spend the weekend with my couple.  I went a day early to help set up, prepare food, help with all the things.  We had a few drinks, dinner, and then she and I crafted out little hearts out while he avoided our constant demands to get scissors or go get us icecream because we may have been a little bit high. So instead we cut a center piece out of the apple cake and then pushed the two sides together and refrosted.......voila!  munchy snack for high girls and a still perfect cake.   She is brilliant.   I love this group of people- mixed bag of nuts.  We met during covid online, used to have a much bigger group, people came and went, but we....we are the core. People I never would have met without the damned internet.   So Saturday night we all 7 came together (missing one who was excused lol) and ate drank and made merry.  Very very merry. Sunday morning I...

 Yesterday I took a class online that lasted all day.  While it went by fast, I enjoyed the topic, I was utterly exhausted by the end.  Zombie like.  My brain was full of new information trying to find a space to land and not be forgotten. Back in the day, you sat in a lecture and took notes by hand.  Maybe you recorded the class on a tape recorder. (I did, and listened to it again and again driving in the car trying to imbed the information at least until the next test)  But now, you can take classes online that are recorded automatically and you can view them usually for a pretty long period of time. I took a few notes by hand...can't teach an old dog new tricks.  But also I have a mistrust of technology ability to malfunction and an absolute trust of my ability to write down anything I find important to remember. I'm on my way.  Work won't pay for the next 2 classes unless I go crying to my boss.  I feel like the hoops we had to jump throu...

  Last weekend i went on another date with captain excuses, and then sat back and read all his bs text messages.  The funny thing is, all I responded with were thumbs up emojis.   Do men really think that "good morning beautiful" and "good night beautiful" is needed?  I find it annoying.  I find it trite.  I find it lazy and insincere.  I find it to be utter bullshit.  My female friends think I'm nutz on this point.   I don't need it, I don't want it. I want a genuine text once in a while to let me know he has been reminded of me because of.....whatever. There is a difference between routine and ....tradition?  Maybe that's the right word. Routine is stupid texts that you send automatically because you "have to".  God forbid you miss a goodnight text.....all hell will break loose.   Tradition is saying "I love you" before you hang up the phone, or when you part ways with a loved one. This may be the last time you...

 Once i started talking with my ex again, after years of having NOT spoken, all the "what if" wore off.  There are no more unanswered questions, no more romantic ideations of what could have been, no feelings of betrayal in my gut. He's just him.  I will always have soft feelings for parts of him he shared with me, that don't fit the overall way he presents himself.  I like to think he grew into what a real relationship can potentially be with me.  He did turn me in, yes.  But that turned out to be the best thing for me, in the end.  If I met him now, no, I wouldn't want to date him.  It's not only because he has a young child, but because in many ways HE is still a child.  I don't mean that in a derogatory way at all. He doesn't take care of himself. I sometimes wonder if he cares about himself at all.  I can still care, have love for him, and genuinely not want to be with him.  The only reason I know this is because we came full c...

 I tried to find a previous blog I had written so I could copy/paste but............ Another flake. Not gonna rip him apart, I'll just say that he also shouldn't be dating at this point in his life until he gets his act together.  He can't make solid plans, he has excuses by the mile, and I don't care enough.  I'll leave it at that.  He continues to breadcrumb me with good morning and good night, with a bunch of plans that will not come to any fruition thrown in between.  This record has been worn out. Much easier to have no hurt feelings when I haven't slept with him.  No physical imaginary bond.   It's still disheartening, though, my own lack of enthusiasm or interest. Men either hit me like a semi-truck or they illicit zero emotion from me at all.  Neither response is desired. It's okay though, because winter is coming and the darkness comes with it.  I go to work, go home, go to work, go home.  Hibernation season is nearly upon ...

 I'm just going to say it. I think this man may want to date me because he thinks i will move in to his home and help him pay his bills. There i said the nasty thought in my head.  First.  Never going to happen.  I'm not moving in with anyone again.  Male, female, whatever.  I am a solo party.  And IF i ever changed my mind about that it would be after retirement.  I have to come first in my life right now and for a while.  I cannot depend on a man financially or i will fuck myself again.   Second.  He hasn't even secured a second date with me yet so the above thought makes me officially crazy. We talk consistently.  Phone, text....not hours but conversations.  Getting to know each other.  We are supposed to get together this weekend for a ride.  But as i said, no real plans have been made. Today he says it's going to rain tomorrow, good day for staying in and watching movies.  (He has mentioned a few t...

 I'm very reactionary.  This is something I own, and have learned to temper over the years.  But its there.  All. The.Time. I don't make big decisions with my emotions anymore.  I have lost too much and learned too many lessons to allow my heart to lead me anywhere.  I feel like there's a literal judge in my head sitting there ready to pound the gavel into my head if I even TRY to lead with my heart.  Use your head is a constant mantra playing on repeat. I'm scarred, like a whole lot of other people.  I've been abandoned by bio donors, used by people, abused by some, lied to, cheated on, taught that I am unworthy, unable, a lost cause.  And I've proven them all wrong instead of just growing up the way it's supposed to be done.  I've always been on the defense ready to prove that I am worthy. And that has made me make mistakes I might not have otherwise made.  Regardless, choices I made came back and bit me in the ass.  My own d...

 Went on a first date Saturday with L.  He decided to come to me rather than the original plan of me going to him (Old Saybrook I had every intention of taking a ride in my old hood) because I have a cold and he didn't want me to have to drive. Chivalrous. Considerate. We decided to meet at a place near me that has outdoor seating and is on the water.  I arrived first, early as usual, and got to pick the table.  He arrived on time. Responsible.  Courteous. I saw him arrive, with American flags waving off his motorcycle. Patriotic, proud of it. As he was walking up to the restaurant he texted me he was here.  I was watching him approach.  Now I know why men get there first.  I enjoyed watching him with him not knowing he was being watched. Handsome, full head of hair, Not small, not large but bigger than me.... And then he arrived at my table.  I stood up, gave him a big hug that felt nice and he sat down, took off his sunglasses and I saw he ...

 I'm getting that panic feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's not butterflies, or gas......or even the damn ozempic.  Anxiety?  Have I said I hate dating?  And yet, dummy keeps doing it.  Deep breaths MB.  It's not like going to the gallows. Saturday I meet this new guy.  Divorced twice, twin grown daughters, owns his home, has a good job, has a plan for retirement, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, drinks socially, owns a Harley, member of an MC that isn't 1% and looks good in his pictures.  Taller than me. I've talked to him several times and he has a nice voice, easy to talk with. Maybe he will smell funny.   I'm probably going to smell like Ben Gay. But we're going to do this regardless, in the middle of the day because he doesn't want to wait and he has a reunion Saturday night. Every time I do this I swear I won't do it again because honestly, I don't pick men very well.  I pick the ones that have so many issues they can't pos...

 I gave up dating a while ago, met a man through a friend that I really started to care about and when that didn't work out, i promised myself i was done. I'm happier alone.  I'm not waiting or wondering, getting excited or disappointed.  I do what i want, and for a while, who i wanted, with no strings.  That gets old fast.  For me, there needs to be more than just the physical act of sex.  It's not worth the effort just for a fling. I had created a FB dating profile a ways back and never completed it, forgot about it.  Then a guy i had dated reached out to me and asked if i was in the game again?  He saw my profile.  So i went to delete it and thought.......i wonder.  I finished it and then went on vacation, forgetting about it again. My focus as of late has been retirement and getting my kids to not put me in an asylum.  I have been looking at how much it will cost me to retire in Connecticut and there's no way i can do it here....

Friend did NOT blow me off, and did in fact go check on my kitty while I was away.  Words from my previous blog, eaten.  I was wrong. Good thing too because we extended our stay in Florida, totaling 9 days away!  It rained quite a bit so not every day was spent on the beach but we managed to get our time in.  We even got a couple of hours in at the Nudie Beach before the skies turned black and the thunder chased us off the beach.  The waves were incredible.  This time, I was smart and stayed out of the water and did NOT almost drown in the nude.  Although, it would be exactly how I entered this world, it's not how I want to leave it. I love New Smyrna Beach and the friends that invited me to go with them and stay at their home for a second year.  I was sad to leave.  Usually after a few days with someone i'm ready for some alone time but we three vibe so well and naturally that not once did I feel stressed out.  I hope it was the same fo...