I wish i had a cigarette. I have a mad urge to smoke.
Sometimes i have dreams that i started smoking again, and i feel this horrible guilt and shame. But then i reach for another cigarette. When i wake up i realize i'm NOT really smoking, but that feeling, along with huge relief, is still there.
Sometimes, when i am home or at someone elses house, i wave my hands under the bathroom sink and get annoyed that i have to actually physically turn it on..
And sometimes i walk away from my own toilet and when i return i'm grossed out that i forgot to flush.....because i'm used to it flushing by itself. Someday, someone is going to come over to my house and go to use the bathroom and i will be humiliated.
I get satisfaction from having every thing in my apartment be clean and orderly.......but when i rearrange things i can't find anything again.
When i put something somewhere safe, it's gone forever. I'll never find it again.
I can't sit still and do just one thing unless it's typing here, or sitting to read a book. I haven't finished a book in a few weeks and i was on a roll there for a while.
I can't keep my mind quiet but i have no problem sleeping. Unless Koda decides i'm not sleeping.
I sleep a lot more than i think i should.
Sometimes i'm interested in everything and i'm excited to start new projects but other times the idea of doing anything besides sitting in front of the tv and binge watching is just too much effort.
Sometimes picking something to binge watch is just too much.
I spent the weekend with 3 males. At one point, 4 males and one very close girlfriend. There was a moment when i just want to sneak to the truck with her and leave......not because anyone pissed me off, not because i wasn't having fun. Just because i know her, she is safe and i know she will not break my heart. She and I will always take care of each other, regardless of testosterone. The only males that come before us are our grandsons. I said it. Our sons have their numero uno females and we ain't it anymore. Our grandsons will never turn us in for other women.
Ha.
I'm falling for the boys as much as Tom. I'm feeling mother henish, and protective.....and this is real stuff here. This isn't just a man. This is two young men that haven't had an active mother in their life, ever. They let little things slip, and i don't say a word. I just listen. And then i feed them. Or make them laugh. I am silly to the point of embarrassment and it feels good to laugh with them.
It also makes me miss my kids teen years. It makes me so sad that i was so absent with them. That i didn't bother to get any kind of couseling, or medication, until they had flown the coop. I was as bad as my own mother in the exact opposite way. Where she cut me down at every opportunity, were she expressed how much i disapointed and embarrassed her........I built them up to think they didn't need anyone, that they could handle anything, that they would make the right choices for themselves. And they did. But i should have been more of a presence in their lives than i was
How can i become attached to two teen boys that don't belong to me. This is something that needs to be tread lightly on. They've already had a shitty mother experience that i am not going to share because it's not mine TO share.
I'm just tending to my life, and watching what happens. I'm already at the point that if those 3 guys leave my life there will be a hole in their place.
I don't know that i want to risk it. Frankly.
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