Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Yesterday someone from my past popped up.  I've referred to him before, the guy I dated shortly that works at the same place as me (although in a different department and building which is how I foolishly justified it) The one that turned out to still be married?  But I only found out about THAT recently due to my taking a new job within the same company and working with people who know him.  So I found out by overhearing a conversation. Now I have to say I've dated a married man, although, I had no knowledge of it.  Men are shit. Some men. The men I pick. Anyways, he found my social media and commented and now thinks I want to have conversations with him.  Because of what happened to him, and his health, his memory seems off.  I have no sympathy.  No care.  No interest.  He is still the guy that cheated on his wife and lied to me and I'm going to bet many others. I never even counted him as a relationship.  He was an experience....

 Some days i struggle with something to write about.  I've tried to make writing a part of my morning routine, and admittedly I don't really stick to that on the weekend. I arrive at work ridiculously early and I take that time to myself to write while I have a cup of coffee. Mr. Jersey seems to be a reply guy.  He peppers me with text messages and pictures (I do really like his style) but nothing of any real substance.  So I will let that go on until it peters out.  He's not a jerk. I finished reading the book "All the wonderful and ugly things" yesterday and I've never read a novel like this before.  It kept me reading, but I couldn't figure out if I was routing for the two mains or if I was disgusted.  I love books like that,that you think are going to be a little story but turn into conflicting feelings........you know, like real life. Now I'm on to the next book - which hopefully will grab me like the last.  I've been reading a lot again and ...

I no longer feel like a bottomless pit.  I no longer feel nauseous all day, nor am i getting up in the middle of the night to vomit.  I went off the Ozempic, had a month of stuffing my face like an out of control maniac, and now, I'm on Mounjaro. There are people who think drugs are not needed to lose weight, and I would agree.  However, I'm not someone who can stand the constant feelings of hunger no matter how much I eat.  I don't get full.  Even when I was a child, my mother used to say she never knew I was sick until I was REALLY sick because I never stopped eating. I've had a lifelong struggle with food, even though I was not overweight until I became pregnant with my son.  During that pregnancy I gained 70 pounds and I did not loose that "baby weight" until he was 12 years old..........I went on weight watchers and it took me 18 months to lose it.  And I lost more than I needed to......i kept going.  To the point where friends were telling m...

"  last night I went out with a man who has been asking me out for 2 years. I was very honest about not feeling that way about him and he insisted that he just wanted us to get to know each other better. throughout the night he kept making reference to getting more intimate. I am far from a prude but I am so tired of this. literally anyone can get sex. I want the whole package. I have to be able to get to know the man to see if I even like him. The dates that I have gone on always seem to be like they're on a mission to get into bed. I told him I want to date like it's 1986 where people took the time to get to know each other, Go out on dates, have things escalate slowly.... no one wants to put that kind of time in anymore. I think I'm done." I posted the message above in the 50+ and single group on facebook. The response was a LOT of comments from women saying they are experiencing the same thing. We are all tired, bored and disappointed with men's behavior...

After careful consideration, I have decided to withdraw my application. There.  That was easy.  Now I can return to enjoying my life and being enveloped in peace. Focusing on what is real and present in my life is the sane way to live.  Lets try that for a bit, shall we? This weekend can't come soon enough.  I am so looking forward to working on my 2025 bullet journal (finishing touches) and getting my grocery list in line with eating healthy.  I'm listening to an audiobook "The book of doors" by Gareth Brown and reading "All the Ugly and Wonderful Things" by Bryn Greenwood.  Still staying away from the true crime podcasts for a bit. I've got some cleaning and relaxing by myself to do.  Besides the bullet journal I have a few projects that hopefully I will have time to dip into. Hell, I might just sit and stare out the window with a cup of coffee. The point is, it will be peaceful. ..........i have an addiction to blankets and candles.  Recently, ...

Shenanigans is what i named the chat group I started during Covid.  It was quite popular for a while, and a lot of fun.  People joined, and left, joined and left........but there was always "the core" who survived the drama and more drama that some created and lived on. The chat group no longer exists (well, it does but its now run by someone else and I have no idea who is a member) but the core does.  We try to get together at least once a month, and have gone away together on long weekends.  We now call ourselves "la familia".  All but one of us met in July of 2021 for the first time in person.  It was memorable for many reasons.....one being that I came face to face with the man who once canceled a date with me because he saw a picture of "my size".  He was polite about it....he said "I'm sorry, but I'm not attracted to big women so there is no point in meeting".  The night of our first group gathering I watched him watch me and regret...

The alarm wasn't set yesterday morning and I actually overslept.  That rarely happens.......i woke with one eye and thought "the room is very light" and then asked Alexa what time it was...then I asked her what day it was.....without moving an inch out from under my covers where my feet stuck out at the bottom.... Then I dove from the bed considering not taking a shower and what I might wear in a hurry....like the old days when I would wake up at his house on a Friday morning and not be left with enough time for all the  get ready for work stuff..... But that's not who I am anymore.  Im not at that place where I have to worry if I'm 2 minutes late or if I'm going to be "in trouble" if I'm late.  So I took my shower, dressed myself and put my hair in a pony tail with light makeup.  All set.  I'll buy lunch today as a treat.  Out the door. Since I get to work early every day, I wasn't even late. I'm that good. Now...........if a man was...

 Here's a blog that can only be described as "meandering"  Do all singles in their 50's feel socially handicapped while getting to know someone that they may or may not want date?  Do you assume that they must be interested if they are making time to talk to you? I vacillate between caring too much or not caring at all. I'm not sure which I'm more afraid of.  Texting - how important is this?  I like to text someone I'm getting to know but not in a routine way.  I don't want good morning and good nights (unless we are texting at night and it's time to go to bed)  I don't want routine, but at the same time, I want consistency.  If we are getting to know each other, I want him to be as curious about me, also wondering about me and what I might be up to ........as I am about him. I want him to have a life and not be up my butt texting all day every day - but if I'm not hearing from him  I assume he isn't interested in me, or he is more inte...

 This year is different.  I went to 3 churches this weekend, to buy cookies made by old ladies and to rummage through church tag sales and crafts. Three churches.  not one.  Three. My friends in Milford do this every year apparently, and this year I was scooped into the festivities.......conveniently left as a surprise, ehem.  I was NOT allowed to stay back at the house, nor was I allowed to sit in the car......sons of bitches.  I mean, what awesome friends. I had the best time.....I'm serious.  How very strange.   I also had an epiphany....I thrift shop for myself and 90% of my clothing is thrifted. It's a treasure hunt. My girlfriend buys all her grandsons clothing and toys thrifted and these kids are stacked....designer clothes, the best toys.......why have I not been doing this? She laid down the law with her family this year and said no more gift cards and newly bought items.....gifts must be thrifted, or made.  Gifts must be though...

 Years ago i used to go away for the weekend with my bf, and a bunch of friends pretty regularly.  Especially in the winter.  I'd pack us up to go and after work we would hit the road for New Hampshire or Vermont.  I have very fond memories of those weekends spent with people we love. I'm not a daredevil or sporty person.  I'm a bookworm who likes to be left alone when reading.  So these weekends were really nice.  They would all hit the trails or the slopes and i would stay in the cozy house with my book and lounge around relaxing (after cleaning up breakfast and later prepping for dinner).  One of the days the ladies would stay back and we would go shopping, puzzle making, and game playing.  I really valued that time with them. It took me some time to realize a much as i used to enjoy the time alone with my bf on the ride up and back, those weekends were about friends, group activities, relaxing, sharing the chores of prepping and cleaning ...

 I hate putting air in my tires.  Literally HATE it.  I don't mind putting gas it in, taking it to the car wash, cleaning it out once in a while.....i know how to jump it if needed, have replaced fuses and a gear shift....If i had the tools and a place i could probably do most maintenance to my own car.    However, for some stupid reason, putting air in my tires rocks my world.  I suck at it.  It's always gotta be rainy and cold when i need to do it, and i have been shown multiple times by multiple men HOW to do it but my preference is that somebody else do it.   When i was younger, and i'm a little ashamed to admit this, all i had to do was pop the hood and stand there looking confused and some man would come help within moments.  I would be scared to try that now.  I'm neither young or old enough to get away with that.  Women my age are invisible. More than once i have been told by a man at a gas station that i shouldn't have...

 i made one of my silly tik toks talking about someone I was once close with and apparently he saw it because he sent me a "sorry" text. I felt bad for about 2 minutes and then I realized I was neatly falling into old patterns with him.  He would do something that I didn't appreciate and made me feel bad, I would speak up (hoping he would understand and maybe not keep doing it to me) and then HE would get mad, or hurt.  I'd end up apologizing for making him feel, and i'd walk away completely confused and upset. I don't do that anymore. Now, when someone acts in a way that is questionable, or makes me uncomfortable - I use my words and if they aren't interested in having an adult conversation where we express our point of views and come to an understanding .......I'm all set with that.   Sometimes how someone feels isn't at all what you expected, but needed to hear.   I can honestly say I have never wanted to make any man involved with me feel bad....

 I learned early on not to get overly friendly with neighbors, especially when renting.  It's enough to know who lives near you, give a smile and a nod when you see them, maybe a bit of chit chat for a few minutes, but nothing too personal, and not for too long. I moved 5 times in 5 years after a breakup.  I couldn't find my space.  THE space that was meant for me.  Finally, I found where I am now and I've been here 3 years, 4 leases. I have WINDOWS, a private deck, no hallways to walk through to get to my apartment and although I have a neighbor on each side of me and one above....i rarely hear them.  I hear the man upstairs but it's normal noise, and can be comforting knowing someone is near.   Because I've been here a few years now, with no loud parties, no police activity and a pretty decent citizen status, a few of the people who have been here for a LONG time have started chatting me up when I take Miyagi for a walk.  The guy next door,...

Yesterday i felt like i do when i can't explain why i feel so.........eww. One thought that has occurred to me is that I was taken off the weight loss medication due to awful side effects and not put on another.  I have an appointment with my provider today to discuss next steps however, I've been free flying for the past month. When I feel out of control, sad, angry, I binge.  I feel like the bottomless pit.  I never feel full.  The beauty of the drugs was that I ALWAYS felt full and couldn't binge if I wanted to! So, binge eating while in a dark place around the holiday with every available sugary food possible in my face.........guess who gained?   It's a horrible cycle, feel sad, eat, what you eat makes you feel like crap and gain weight, feel worse, binge more because why the hell not?  My body is killing me again.  I can't keep up this way.   Yesterday was, for some reason, really hard.  I was sad, cry babying, not able to con...