Walking Barefoot in Snow

 You want to find something out about yourself?   Ask Chat GPT:  Could you ask me 10 questions about my relationship with my ex (name). I would like to unpack themes of greed selfishness and anything else I may not have thought of but that you may have recognized as a pattern. Please ask me the 10 questions one at a time so I can give an answer. Once i have given the 10th answer please break down for me what my answers may mean and help me to understand my psychology around the situation as well as reasons i may have attracted him into my life as a teacher. I need you to be very honest on this and do not try to spare my feelings. I need the truth. I didn't create this query, i literally copied it and entered it into Chat GPT. I'm not going to show the questions it asked, or what my answers were because that seems like too much, even to me.  It's more than i want to share.  BUT i will share the answers it gave me because.....wow.  Just WOW. I almost wan...

 I'm way behind on my goal to have 52 first dates this year or until i find the love of my life. Yes.  Thats the goal. I figure after a year of this "trying" by saying "yes" to men that ask me out, I can never look back and say i didn't give it my best shot. Because after this year, i'm off the hook. I said i'd say "yes" to new dates, not that i would settle. Okay, that said - still yapping with Mr. Music and one of my conversations on FB dating has moved to text with yet another musician. I'll call him New York, because that's where he lives. He got me with Lemmy.  Cool to talk to, but he's another metal guy and doesnt seem to be sweet AT ALL.  He's what you'd expect i guess.  His facebook is all "fuck off" and "I don't care about your feelings"....Greeeaaaaatttttt.  I mean he seems very nice so far, but..........we'll see. I'm really over the bad attitude guys.  But at the same time, i...

 It has occurred to me that every time i started talking to a new guy i would develop new interests.  HOWEVER, the older i get the more i gravitate towards men who share the interests i already have. Reading Music Thrifting Creating Food Movies Thats pretty much it in a nutshell.  I'd go crazy if i couldn't read.  I've been trying to be consistent in writing even though it's not about anything in particular.  More of a free flow to keep my brain oiled.  I don't have the kind of stories i read...in my head.  I could never create a fictional world and people.  I'm not that open minded which i think you would need to be in order to consider the scenarios that keep me glued to the page. I value other peoples talent because i know i lack it. I can't play any musical instruments, and i sure as HELL can't sing.......yet i can't live without music.  Every day.  Always different depending on the mood.  When i find a "new"band that has been a...

 I can tell when an emotional storm is coming because i start to get antsy and can't get interested in activities that normally i find enjoyable. Yesterday i downloaded and then deleted 6 books on audio from the library.  Each one i tried to listen couldn't keep me paying attention.  I always have an audio book going - i listen to that, or podcasts while i'm multitasking.  Today, i am audioless. I always have a book i'm reading as well.  And lately, i haven't been finishing them again.  I start, put it down, fall asleep or get involved elsewhere.  I know i'm not into a book when i keep putting it down.  Most of my reads are on a kindle now (but i'm considering giving it up) and when i'm into a book, i carry the kindle around with me to keep reading at any opportunity. Haven't had that in a bit.  I feel naked without stories.  Without escapes.  But i can't seem to catch one that will keep me. I'll keep trying and i'll get back on tra...

I had friends over this weekend for a mini intervention.  Usually  i spend the weekend at their house, but one of our friends was in crisis....again....so we had it at my place this time. It's hard to watch your old self in someone else.  Because you know the outcome already.  And you know she will be hurt, but you ALSO know it will probably be the best thing to ever happen to her. I'm talking about being with a man who is only with you for as long as you fill a role he needs filled- that you THINK you are madly in love until it ends and you realize you were in it and he always had his foot out the door. Only this one is even more complicated because they are polyamorous. Well, he is.  She only is because thats how she manages to stay in his orbit.  It's always a lot of tears and upset.  Its one of those dramatic relationships, where he quietly sets her off and then acts like she's crazy when she responds.  I won't trash him, but i'm familiar with...

 Yesterday i got a message from a man i dated very briefly last fall.  The one from Old Saybrook with the  house, boat, bike and sketchy job situation.  Very blond, which is not usually my thing but remember ....i'm trying to date differently. He was a total flake and while i didn't think he was married it seemed like there was definitely something going on somewhere with someone. Normally i would expect that, but he was another on insisting he was only talking to/seeing me.  I never said the same and i never asked it of him.  So that was strange too. Anyhoo he sent me one of those "i'm thinking of you" texts.  Great.  Good for you.  What would you like me to do with that information? The funny part is he sent it to my facebook because a few weeks ago i didn't respond to his text on my cell. I wish guys would stop doing this to women.  We don't care.  You should have "been thinking" about us when you had your chance.   Bye...

 If you had asked me 8 years ago if i would get back together with my ex i would have said yes.  I would have lost friends, my pride and most likely my sanity, but at the time...........i thought that was the answer. I was so hurt. I felt so abandoned.   Alone. BUT..........honestly, i felt like that for most of our relationship. So why am i bringing this up now?  Because of Mr. Tattoo. I fell so hard for someone i barely knew.  I just knew how i felt around him.  How we felt together.  But when we weren't together, i was filled with uncertainty, anxiety, and was continuously preoccupied by thinking about him. The same as it was when i was with my ex. When I cut it off with the situationship, which is all it ever was with Mr. Tattoo......I felt that same hurt but not as bad.  Now i identify it with disapointment.  In myself.  Not him.  Not them. They are what they are.  Men who will use you for every ounce you will give th...

 Last night i didn't feel my best.  I was on edge, my throat hurt, my nose was dripping and i was generally just feeling like a raging bitch. I live alone, so i can do that and not feel the least bit sorry. Until the phone rings and it's my bestie and I know i have to answer. But why? So i sat there, after i told her it hurt to talk because of my throat, and listened to her, and my dog started doing his nightly bark bark bark while he eats his food until i go touch it.  Yes, i have to touch his food and then he will eat.  Until he wants "new" food and the process starts again.   There i am, with my bestie unloading into my ear and my dog barking in the other. I had enough. I told her i couldn't talk anymore and got off the phone, i told my dog this was the last time i was doing this food touching trick tonight and i took my ass to bed. I never get upset with my dog.  My bestie, yes.  My dog, no.  So i KNOW i was cranky as hell. What makes the...

Valentines was different this year.  I'm pretty used to spending it alone and not celebrating.  Its a holiday for couples and many couple don't even celebrate it (because the guy is too damn cheap is my thought) My friends invited me out to see "dualing pianos" and that sounded fun. The first song they played was "Sweet Caroline".........I hate the fucking song.  Sooooo off to a great start.   I spent the rest of the sober part of my evening spinning in my head about a relationship that ended years ago. Then i started thinking about relationships that could have been if i hadn't been a stupid loyal bitch. I am so glad i'm not living a Jerry Springer life anymore.   I knew there would be no lovin on Valentines day because i'm single.  Being in a relationship and NOT knowing if you are celebrating or not is pure SUCK.   I had a nice time and the evening did get better - I was with good company and good gummies.  I may have sang along ...

 The worst thing about dating sites are the same people have been on them for years.  Now.....I myself have been on and off over the years but i rarely spend more than a few weeks on a site before i get my fill and have to take a break. In other words disgusted. Years ago, i talked to a man who seemed very nice, very attractive. We kept "missing" our opportunities to meet which should have been my first red flag but i was new to dating.  One night we were chatting away and he said I should come see him at work, since he worked with the public.  (Security gaurd) I grabbed us a couple of coffees and went to meet him. Stupid Stupid Stupid.  I wouldn't do that again.  I was lucky. We sat in a reception area of a building and chatted.  He was nice, but something was off.  He walked me to my car and i got a little kiss (STUPID) and he went back to work.  Then he asked me out again.  I asked him what his last name was and he got real cagey abou...

I had the day off yesterday and did absolutely nothing which is my most favorite thing to do by myself.  I slept in, i read my book, i putzed around the kitchen.  I stayed in my pj's all day.  I moved from my recliner to my bed, to the coffee. It was grand. I had a feeling something was up with Rob because tuesday he texted and told me he was exhausted and just wanted to shower and go to bed.  Could we skip our call?  I said, absolutely.  (we aren't a couple but i value his communication style) Then yesterday he texted me in the morning, as is his habit (and i wasn't even hating it as usual).  No "how's your day" text around noon, so i figured he must be really busy at work or............no, i won't think that way. But then, THE CALL.  Exactly when he said he would call, but i felt the vibe immediately.  Too quiet.  I asked if he was feeling okay?  He said no.  And then the rush of words that so many men find so difficult and g...

 a young man from IT came to my office to fix my monitor connection.......he had to go back to his office a couple of times because my monitors are old and the connections are precarious....i felt bad about his having to run around so i bantered with him. He was very smiley and friendly.  I appreciate that. He told me i needed to upgrade, but he made this one work again.  I explained had arrived at the same conclusion and had already ordered them.  I thanked him for his time in getting me up to work speed for the time being. As he was leaving he said "when they arrive I will come back and set them up for you.....M'am."....... ................. oh christ.   i'm a m'am. and i EARNED that shit! and got new monitors out of it too.

My pants fit. A nice pair of dress slacks that i bought for work....that have been hanging in my closet with no use.  When i put them on i had to do that little wiggle over my hips and then the pockets were stretched open.....you know, too tight. This morning i felt like dressing up a bit and my hand landed on these slacks.  Hmm.  So i pulled them off the hanger and slipped into them. Slipped. into. them. No wiggle. They hang the way they are supposed to hang. Pockets, neatly hanging on my hips, not stretched open. Funny how slipping into a nice pair of slacks and having them fit perfectly will get your day off to a good start. Feeling myself.   Now.......go feel YOURself.   Kisses. 

 Absafuckinlutely not. I'm just going to enjoy the last days of life as we knew it for as long as it lasts.......it's pretty damn obvious there's nothing i can do about it. Aside from being kind and doing the right thing within my microcosm.  Remember?  No one can control how you respond but yourself.   Believe no one.  Trust, no one.  Just live your life in the way you know is kind (which costs nothing) and when you see someone being "not" kind.....step up for the underdog.  Per usual.  That hasn't changed. I think of my friend Sue, who passed on, and her without fail direction "HONEY, put your red lipstick on".  Little did she know how important that would be.  I listened to her then, and i'm listening to her now. If you know, you know. In other news.  I had the second date with Rob.  We both cannot seem to shut up.  Talk talk talk.  It's easy but there is a definite undercurrent.  He did give me a little ...

 Supposed to have  a second date with Rob Saturday.  Why am i writing about him when i've gone on a LOT of second dates?  What makes him different. Well, we never run out of things to talk about.  We have a difficult time getting off the phone.  As in, TALKING on the phone.  We really don't text too much.   He tells me when he is going to call the next day depending on his schedule.  And also to make sure i can talk at that time It works out that the best time is about an hour before bed after all our "stuff" is done. I haven't had to wonder.  I'm finding that to  be much more comfortable.  And enjoyable.  I have something to look forward to rather than wondering if he will call. I think, regardless of how this works out.......that is a new standard.  I hate wondering.  It gives me insecurity and it makes me anxious.  It makes me totally focus on the guy.....and THAT is my biggest problem with dating an...

 good.  One of my favorite parts of the morning is when i get to spritz on my favorite perfume.  Some women don't feel complete without lipstick, or a full face of makeup.  I don't feel complete without a scent. I do it for me, because it makes me happy.  I don't wear it for anyone else, although, i do love when someone compliments how good i smell.  Yes, i know. I do. :) I used to use the cheaper stuff and then one day i decided that i deserved to enjoy the good stuff.  I have a much smaller selection, my signature scents.  To me, this is a luxury.  I appreciate that i take such good care of me. I once knew a man who told me i smelled.  He didn't say it like it was a good thing.  He said perfume gave him a headache, and that i shouldn't wear it.  He preferred the "natural" smell of soap and water. Which, i also use.   I think that was the nastiest thing a male has ever said to me.  I stink?  I'm very consio...

 My eyesight is going fast.  Today i have an eye appointment and we'll see whats going on besides old age.  I sit at a computer for the majority of the day and then i usually have my face in a book or on my switch at night.  I've been pretty lucky, only using my glasses when i'm driving at night or maybe at a concert or movie due to distance.  I have been using cheaters for a couple ol years now once in a while, but now i have them scattered all over the house and at work because i'm blind without them.  I do NOT hang them around my neck.  A line needs to be drawn somewhere. Last night i had a horrible headache and i was flat out beat up.  I started falling asleep in my recliner at 5pm so i made myself some dinner and gave up the fight and went to bed.  My daughter texted me at 7:30pm and i didn't see it until this morning so.........i definetly needed that sleep. The cat caught a mouse at around 4am and decided she was going to keep bringing...

 Easy to say. I have this gift, that i recieved when my last long term relationship blew up - the gift of finding the reasons it won't work regardless of how wonderful any given man may seem. I will enjoy myself, and then i will pick him apart in my head...making him undateable. BUT, if he seems disinterested or blase about ME...........well, now i have to prove to him why i'm "the one" for him.  Even if he doesn't deserve me.  Even if he had 1,000 red flags. The good part?  I know this about myself.  So i've been managing it.   One of my first dates so far in 2025 wants to be involved with alternative lifestyles and seemed really focused on the sexual aspect of a relationship.  Me not seeing him again was valid.  We aren't on the same page.  He wanted to switch up what he told him when i explained why we would't see each other again.  He really likes me, blah blah blah.......but dude.  We aren't a match.  You can't just a...