Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I'm not poor.  I'm far from rich.  I make enough to get by relatively comfortably without any extravagant purchases.   My apartment is large, in a nice area, and my upstairs neighbor is considerate in how often  he stomps around.  I hear him up there, but it's rarely disruptive.  It's almost a comfort.   My home is me.  Nothing matches, a little bit of everything, and mostly put together for sheer comfort.  No one is going to be impressed, but they will feel cozy and welcome.   My car gets me to where i want to go.  It was beautiful, to me, but a man i dated did some damage and now ....it's mine.  It's still perfect for me and my needs. My clothing- eclectic in multiple sizes.  My daughter says i wear clothing that is too big for me and it makes me look bigger.  There was a time i cared about that.  NOW, i just want to express myself, my mood, and be comfortable.  Gone are the heels that...

 What is going on that sleep has become so difficult? Last night, the cat decided she was going to hunt a mouse......in my room.  She sounds like an elephant pouncing around and chasing .......I really wish the landlord would get an exterminator or something out to the complex.  Most people have cats it seems.  I've never once seen any evidence of the critters aside from having to pick up their little corpses after the cat has finished them. Nature. It's amazing what you can get used to. And i live in a nice place. Then my dog decided he was going to wake me up every hour on the hour by getting out of bed, standing in my door and barking rhythmically  bark...bark...bark...bark  until i got up out of bed to get him. What. the FUCK Tonight both creatures get locked out of my room.  Thats what you get. I'm tired.  But pleasantly unemotional about anything. My feet are getting skinny.  How strange.

 There's a budding relationship going on. Can't seem to stay away from each other - and here's the kicker.....there has been no sex. Is there passion?  yep.  Plenty of that.  But it hasn't been moved on. After last summer, i decided that i would never again sleep with someone i wanted a relationship with until we had that talk, we were exclusive, and we were in an ACTUAL relationship.  You know, the kind where you get to know each other's lives, friends, family... Friday night i set a boundary.  Did i pull the trigger a little early?  yes.  But did i have those feelings? yes.  So i'm being true to myself, which is the only person i have to worry about currently. Did he bend?  Nope. I felt sad.  but i also felt like i might have made a healthy decision for myself.  Those feelings would have been easy to avoid if there had been better communication, less anxiety, less avoidance. Saturday afternoon is how long he waited to reach o...

 How is it I am only interested in men that drag my ass? I have myself all in a tizzy because i thought i would see him this weekend, after having not seen him all week due to being sick.  He called me repeatedly today and never said a word about getting together. This week was when he stopped saying goodnight, and stopped sending flirty texts.  Mostly. It's the inconsistency.  A man can't go from seeing me every day one week, to not at all the next week - not make plans for the weekend, and expect that i think he's interested. I can't forget that feeling of being valued by the guy who actually MADE PLANS with me....even though it didn't work out.  I loved that feeling of his respect for my time.  That he didn't leave me hanging, or wondering.  And when he decided he was still hooked on his ex, he didn't drag me along.  Nice and neat, and clean.  I will never forget him for that.  THAT is how a man acts. So there's my answer. I'm proud o...

 i've been sick all week.  It sucks. And during this time, Mr. Cigar seems to have found another distraction more interesting than me. Less calls, less texts, less flirtation.......you know, withdrawal. I'm not very interesting when i'm sick. Yesterday I was home sick and i made brocoli rabe and sausage.  He texted me he was starving and i said "stop by and pick up dinner on your way home"......and he already had dinner plans. text, text, text.......i said "you should come see how i live at some point and make sure i'm not a hoarder" to which he responded "lol" Which is not a response. so i waited a few hours, chewed on my own thoughts, and then did what i do......i shared those thoughts with him. What i got back was "you are overthinking big time" Which........is also not an answer. Last night, no text good night. I've been accused of overthinking before.  And it's always been by men trying to skip through the truth with ...

  Have you ever met a Cane Corso?  How about two? I'm afraid of large dogs normally.  The encounters i've had have always been kind of scary.  They might be very lovey but have a tendency to knock me over, or jump on me.  I once knew a Rottweiler who would attack anyone who tried to leave a room....that was not fun. But recently, i've become friends with Cane and Abel.  And i'm rapidly becoming attached.  They love butt scratches and ear scratches.  They listen to their Dad.  They don't smell, they don't have bad breath.  The DO occasionally fight......from what I've been told, and honestly, I don't want to be around for that. They are such lovey boys.  I think they like the ladies, like their Dad. Mr. Cigar. I may like his dogs more than him.  Jury is out.   I'm sick. I have a bad cold, have pretty much lost my voice and get exhausted easily.  I haven't seen Mr. Cigar since Sunday (Today is Wednesday) and i admi...

Yesterday i paid alllllll my taxes.   And got my birth certificate. I wasn't born an 11lb baby.  I was 8lbs 80z.   My mother wasn't 19 when she had me.  She was 21.   Why would anyone lie about something so...... I mean, i don't think she was on drugs........but who really knows?   She made it sound like i was a burden to carry and give birth to.  That i ruined her young life by existing.  That i was a mistake.  She threw me away like garbage. I've been over the mother scars for years and years now.  Time and therapy help but then something as innocent as getting my birth certificate reminds me of how toxic and malfunctioning the women who "raised" me till 16 was/is. I think i turned out rather well, considering. Anyhoo....it was an emotional gut punch to me, even though anyone with "normal" parents might not understand why. Yesterday kinda of sucked. But today is a new day, and i've got goals to accomplish. Onward....

 Today i walked a mile on the  Blue Trail . I've never been before and i can't tell you what it looked like because all i did was look down and try to keep up. I went to dinner at my son's in laws for Easter.  My body was killing me from yesterday mornings work out in my living room where i probably pulled every muscle in my body.  I stayed a few hours and then looking forward to a butt load of traffic on the way home - headed out. I must have timed it perfectly because i got home in record time.  I knew i still had several hours of light so i thought I should go for a walk on the Farmington Canal.....that probably there wouldn't be any bears.  I asked Mr. Cigar if he wanted to come and he told me "come here and walk the trails"  Now.....my idea of walking on trails is to mosey along and look at stuff.  Enjoy nature.  Breathe. HIS idea was to try and kill me. He walked ahead of me.....way ahead of me, at a steady pace and i thought i was goin...

 I didnt write the message below. It was posted in a facebook singles group and the original author wasnt named. This is so succinctly beautiful and true. I need to keep this so i can remember....no matter what, im never truly alone. It feels heavy when you realize that living life alone might be the safest choice. As you get older, the picture shifts. The dream of building a life with someone steady begins to fade, replaced by the understanding that it may never happen. And the realization does not arrive in chaos or heartbreak. It comes quietly, in a simple moment. You are in the kitchen, holding a warm mug of tea. Dinner for one simmers on the stove. The room stays still. No voices. No laughter. Just the sound of the refrigerator humming and the spoon gently tapping the edge of the cup.  That is when it settles in—this life, as it stands, belongs to you. Quiet. Unshared. Entirely yours. You never made the decision to be alone. That decision slowly arrived after too many con...

 I feel like i look for reasons not to trust, and in the past i've cut men off quickly and easily simply because something they said didn't match up. I've been an idiot and i've been cured. After my last long term relationship of 13 years, i was a hurting woman.  I had a big empty space in my life that used to hold him, and i needed it to be gone.  Then i met Michael, a man who had a great job, had a house, lived alone (not with a mamma) and actually smiled, a lot.  He looked like my type.  He treated me nicely (which isn't a standard, it SHOULD be a given, but i was wounded) and he liked me back. When we dated a few months, with no sex - or really anything at all, I thought he was being a gentleman. Yes, because i was an idiot. When he suggested i move in with him instead of purchasing a condo, I agreed.  I thought whats the big deal?  I can always move out and buy a condo if it doesn't work.  Because i was an idiot. I moved in with him because i...

 Had an intense day at work yesterday - mentally.  Checking myself, double checking, moving on, doing it again.  I just want it right. No, i want it perfect. By the afternoon i was tired.  I texted Mr. Cigar (I think thats what i will call him here) that the day needed to end already.  (Maybe i should call him Mr. Fire since he was a firefighter for 26 years...? ) He said "you should come meet the dogs" And so, i did. I met him at his house, met the puppers (HUGE) got a tour of his home (beautiful) and his property (gorgeous) then we hopped in his truck and went out to eat. He asked me if i liked such and such, i said i did, and he ordered for us.  He had me laughing during dinner- seemed to enjoy it. Then we took a ride and went back to his home. There was some kissing. There was some babying the boys (the DOGS). There was some talking about stuff.  No situationship for me....or him. Agreed.  Move slow. Agreed.  And then i went home. Had no ...

I just added the guy i'm talking with to a singles group i'm in. I was telling him about it, and he asked me the name of the group.......so i added him. to a singles group. This has been the most unique dating experience thus far.   I feel pretty calm.  Pretty aware.   I'd be a little hurt if he ghosted, or started dating someone in the group, but not devastated. So i guess thats a good sign? Is this how to date?

 Spent the weekend with Doug and Jen, decorating their house.  Its literally my home away from home and i will be making them their own key to come and go at my place.  Their daughter is moving home with her two sons in a couple of months.  Life is changing. So now they can run away too. We were out shopping for the house and while standing in line, I heard a woman's voice.  I felt nauseous. I turned to look at her and got the absolute worst vibe ever.  I could see the toxic waving off of her.  She put my whole mood on funky.  I can't remember the last time i've had such a strong reaction to someone in public. Not good. Plane tickets are purchased..........florida here we come.  This will be my third year going to New Smyrna and i'm beyond excited to get there, and relax.  My favorite restaurant of all time is there, The Garlic.  and we have traditions.......we have to go to the Taco Shack, the Dairy Queen and The Breakers and Flagl...

 Waking up to a text from my ex bf's ex baby mama.........not my favorite. over a year ago i engaged with her when she called my phone at 6:00am and i answered it because i thought it was a staff member calling out of work.  I didn't recognize the number.  I admit, i found some pleasure in her crazy. I admit, I enjoyed knowing exactly how she felt and i hoped she was a nervous wreck that would be told she was "crazy".  You stupid bitch.  You knew you were running around with someone elses man, you knew your happiness was on another womans tears....and then you think you are going to get understanding from her?' fuck off. I still remember that pain.  I still remember how that whole situation deconstructed how i felt about myself, my place in the world and men.   I had a family, i had friends, i had a home for the first time in my life and i had a man that was a pain in the ass, irresponsible, and selfish but i loved him.  Good or bad.  An...

 Today i am reminded of Henry.   God he is so handsome and has that radio talk show host voice. We went around a few times.  He was good to me, took me out - treated me very well but would never have me to his home. Was strange. Thought of him today because i'm listening to 70's music and that was our jam, what we connected on.  We'd lay in bed and listen to one hit wonders, and know all the words. I thought that was pretty damn cool.  And he didn't make fun of me for it.  He had a hair trigger temper.  I wouldn't see it coming.  We would be having a conversation, i'd say something to piss him off (of course) and he would go off the deep end.  zero to 60 in a second. And when he was angry he was nasty. So......bye bye Henry.  I aint got time for that shit.  Sometimes pretty on the outside is really ugly inside. And he brought out the ugly in me.  I'm vicious when attacked.  He is someone who got firmly blocked everywh...

 There is something wrong with me. I get taken out for a nice dinner, share a bottle of wine and good conversation.......handsome guy, has his act together, funny.  Nothing wrong.  Even a sick sense of humor...... And .....i feel nothing.  I mean, i had fun. I like him.  Maybe it was the talk about all his money and how much he's worth and all his toys and investments. When i tell you i'm not materialistic, i mean it.  Those things are all great but they can all be gone in an instant.  And they can't give you a full body hug when your world is falling apart......as a matter of fact, it might be BECAUSE of all those things that he is never around because he has to work to keep it.  Or i'm just stupid.  Heres' the thing.  Those are HIS things.  Because of that, he may feel he has the upper hand......and without it, he may not be much of a man.   Or maybe hes an incredible man because he's earned all these things with good ch...

 "met" someone. Vibe is strong. Been here before.........let's see how this goes.

I was home this weekend, on self-induced lockdown.  I purchased a steam cleaner and i couldn't wait to wrap my little hands around that nozzle and pull the trigger. Oh what fun!  I pulled the stove out, the refrigerator out.....i blasted every little bit of crust out of my kitchen.  It felt magnificent. There is no better feeling if you ask me.   Mrs. Ciccia would be so proud of me. And then i had to dust, clean the carpets, wipe down the walls, laundry, etc......I was in full out spring clean mode.   Now to maintain.  I found out years ago that all that yelling i did at the kids to clean up after themselves....yeah, it was me.  I was the hurricane.   Saturday night i pulled apart a chunky knit blanket that i had hand stitched (poorly) so i could re-do it correctly.  I decided to try tiktok live after seeing one of my friends do a live while folding his laundry.  I thought if thats all you have to do ......hell, i can do t...

 Today is my favorite kind of day.  I woke up at 5am and just decided to scroll my phone and fall back to sleep.  There are no "have to's" today.  I did all my chores last night...well more than regular chores.  I went nuts last night. I closed my computer after working remotely and immediately took a few gummies.  Then i unboxed my new steamer cleaner and read the instructions while i was still coherent.  That done, i put some 60s rock on and began the deconstruction of every single crack and crevice in my kitchen and went to TOWN. My facebook post:  "If you don't know why i'm so excited to eat some gummies, put on some blues and use my new steam machine to clean every crevice in my kitchen.....we can't be friends.  You don't understand me." Those that know me, know.  I've been dying to get into this steam clean. I also shampooed my carpets and cleaned/steamed the bathroom.  It was a lovely friday night.  I accomplished all th...

 Last night/this morning? I had dreams about Mr. Tattoo. I hate that. I made him into the perfect man, glorified him in my mind, and then was crushed when it didn't work out. He's just a man. I saw what i wanted to see and ignored the red flags he freely waved.  He had a lot of trauma in his life, he is extremely avoidant, emotionally vacant, and unfortunately, very savy and smart.  He knows how to treat a woman but that doesn't mean he can have feelings for her. His history with them should have told me.  He failed to mention a second marriage completely.   I loved how he kept his home.....it was neat, clean, decorated tastefully - I even asked if his ex decorated it.  The man has good taste.  I loved his bathroom LOL He always had snacks and candles lit.  He asked me what i drank and when i casually mentioned several things he stocked his bar with all of them. I mean, whats not to like? He just knows how to treat a woman.  Very. Well. ...

A few housekeeping items for me to put away: I heard from my gf last night which was nice.  Our dinner the other night went well, was like old times...even if i'm a bit timid about jumping right in to our old ways.  I've missed her.  Not sure i can trust that she won't just turn her back on me again.  Time will tell.  Taking it very slowly. Mr. Jersey- still reaches out sporadically which is always a nice surprise.  I watch his new content when he posts it and see all the women basically throwing themselves at him.  He responds kindly to most, some more blatant comments go ignored.  He was an excellent date and i am looking forward to seeing him again in the future but it's pretty obvious to me this man has a woman in every location.  Considering he's not offering anything, thats not a problem.  I have to remind myself sometimes. Work- crazy, and yet so up in the air.  Still no word on what my position will turn into once my boss go...

 It's not bad enough going to a specialist for something that is basic.  Add to that, that waiting to go, and then the hours before the day OF going, and finally the GOING.  With sweat bullets and jitters, an upcoming stress headache and upset stomache ALL BECAUSE you are going. To sit in that dental chair, have two more xrays and then have him come in and tell you "yep you need to have that tooth out." Which i already knew.  Which my dentist already told him.  Which i had waited a week in agony to hear. And then be told the next available appointment is June 30th. And then be charged $100 for sitting in the chair. What the actual fuck.   So here i sit today, still in pain with my wallet a lot lighter.  I love dental care.  At least my home internet works again and it didn't cost me any extra.  I'm still waiting for Frontier fiber to be available in my area and as SOON as it is i'm switching. Yesterday i signed up for Mint Mobile and tha...