Walking Barefoot in Snow

Last night i shut my eyes at 9:30pm and did not open them again until 4:30am.  It was the most solid sleep i've had in months if not years.  I do not recall tossing and turning or waking up to look at the clock. How i would love to do that again and again consecutively until i am no longer tired and feeling like i'm dragging myself around. I had a nice big fat glass of wine with dinner and I was only a 1/4 of the way into it when i realized "hey i feel kinda nice".  While cleaning up dinner I thought "well now, i'm nice and relaxed" and by the time i went to bed (not long after) I could barely keep my eyes open to put my audio book on. Guess what my new routine will include?  Damn skippy. And on another completely off topic note:  Miyagi makes grown men giggle and I LOVE THAT.

Yes, the woman who laments about being "alone" all the time is the same woman who really needs a lot of time alone.  I know.  Be me.  I don't even understand me. Here's what I think.  I actually quite enjoy my time alone when i know it will end.  I love knowing that I can read, or putz around for however long and that at the end of that time there will be someone who wants to spend their time with me.  Either, coming home, or meeting me somewhere to do something......so........I'm not really alone, i'm just enjoying my time until I see that someone. The difference - When I do not want to be alone and I need to talk something out, or just be in the presence of someone who cares for me (even if we are doing something entirely different and not even talking to each other) and it NEVER ENDS.  There IS no time that will be mine to look forward to.  It's day in and day out of me waiting to be cared for or considered special enough to have time p...

Facebook is not a friend to someone going through a breakup.  It is a torture device - that allows you to follow the very person you need to cut ties with until your backbone grows back.  Yes, you can "unfriend" them, but what about all the family and friends that are also attached to them?  Maybe i could roll along just fine, scrolling through and then BAM!  Theres a picture, or an event with him tagged that I didn't get to go to.........yeah, screw that noise.  Facebook is off limits to me for a while- maybe a long ass while. GUILTY AS CHARGED Maybe i'm a baby, or being immature but i don't think social media, where emotional time bombs lay ticking, is a good place for me to hang around.  Although it does make me feel very much out of the loop with everyone.....but my friends will always be reachable, with or without "the facebook" as i call it, just to make my daughter cringe. Looks like blogging is my outlet now.  ya. hoo.  ...

When life is in turmoil it is difficult to remember that there is still much to be grateful for.  There is actual effort required to identify something that brings you joy and/or comfort amidst the anxiety and sadness that takes priority during this period of time. And that in itself is something important to remember - "during THIS period of time".  Life will not always feel like this.  It will get better, and worse and better again for as long as we are alive.  This too, is temporary.  Everything is temporary.  Isn't that something to be grateful for? This year I will celebrate Thanksgiving in NYC with my beautiful, caring daughter and her boyfriend. She will house me, feed me, laugh with me, allow me to cry but not for long, and heal me. For her, i am grateful. Last night i ate dinner at my son's home, cooked by his girlfriend, to celebrate his birthday.  I'm not sure when he turned into a man- but to look at him and see his strength, his calm...

Lately i judge the quality of my day based on if/or how many times i've cried with no warning.  For instance, if I can get through a whole conversation without having to swallow my tears or pause and look to the sky for a moment.......more than once in a day......it's a good day. Packing really sucks and I do recall saying I was never ever ever going to move again when we moved into our tiny home.  Apparently i set out to prove just how much crap i could stuff into that tiny home.  Even with the multiple trips to good will and the giving away and purging......i still have so many boxes for JUST ONE PERSON. But then again, i'm the one who moves footlockers filled with notes and do das from my childhood that havent' seen the light of day since.....well, my childhood.  Yet i can NOT let them go.  I've decided to have a "junk party" with both my kids once i've caught my breath and began to function like a normal adult again.  We can sit, all three of u...

I I I iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Feeling more than a little self centered and frankly 'I' am getting bored of it and would like to move along.  Unfortunately, this is where 'I' am right now.  Stuck in the middle of me. The mantra i've shared with friends going through a bad time in the past has always been "this time next year will it matter?"  And yes, in my case, it will still matter.  I will still matter.  He will still matter - WE won't.  Ergo the stuck in me pattern.  I am obsessing.  I am getting angry, sad, curious, excited, depressed, mournful, bitter, forgiving, hateful - pick a minute.  It's a crap shoot.  And i can NOT wait for this part to be over. Yet, i put off moving another week. I am trying to be kind to myself by not loading on the stress right before my sons birthday and Thanksgiving in NYC for a few days- - doesn't seem to be a good time to move a few days before.  I could be wrong, I have been before.  I ...

This blog used to be called "my life in the middle of the street" because that's how i always felt.  A friend recently said to me that she couldn't believe after all this time that HE still seemed to BE "in the middle of the street" after stating that breaking up with me was either the worst or best decision he has ever made. This hit home for me.  It is why, in 13 years i have never felt secure - never felt that he was 100% in it with me.  Because he wasn't.  He has ALWAYS been in the middle of the god damned street.  Or "one foot out the door" as i used to say.  Same thing.   He would get mad when i said this - but then he would get mad any time i said basically anything real so...... I was never a jealous woman.  I find jealousy really stifling and unattractive having been the object of it in my marriage.  Then came him, with all the "always been close to" them girlfriends that popped up YEARS into our relationship.   Or all th...

Today is not a good day. I keep feeling waves of rage all because this morning i noticed he cleaned out his truck all nice and has his nice smelling deodorant and minty gum in the console.  Fucker.  I suppose the "guys" were complaining, eh? I keep playing the soundtrack of our break up in my mind -"i'm not attracted to you anymore.  I don't just mean your looks"........ Could I make a list of shit that has changed with YOU since we first met and fell in love?  Yes. Will I?  No. Because i know that shit hurts and it's petty and i wouldn't do it to anyone. So don't feel special. I have to keep reminding myself that men don't turn into prince charming when there is a break up.  They are the same guy that didn't appreciate you, didn't value you, didn't treat you right while you were together - magnified. So why does my heart hurt?  Because I let it go on for so long and probably would have forever?  Because in the end H...

I meant to take pictures of the house before i started packing and i completely forgot.  Is that morbid?  To want to remember my first real "home"......that was finished and painted the way i wanted before we ever moved in?  Our little tiny home that i loved so much I never wanted to be pried out of the house or off of our deck. Being laid off from work shortly after we moved in left me with a lot of time and no money to decorate however through the years we slowly added furniture and decorations that reflected who we were, not the latest styles.  I've become someone who does what feels good, happy and comfortable, not someone who does what everyone else is doing.  I tried to surround ourselves in items that brought us joy, sentimentality or comfort. Our home reflected that I think.  He says it was always my home, never his - however, "my" home would not have displayed glasses from beer festivals we've attended every year, or Camaros.  Nor would it h...

Youtube has a lot of "self help" videos, i've recently noticed.  Well, i noticed as i was searching for "how to mend a broken heart" like a 16 year old.  I'm not someone who likes pain, contrary to popular belief.  I want to laugh.  I want to feel happy.  I want to feel lightness, and joy.  So- this feeling of something squeezing my chest so i can't take deep breathes without starting to cry- THIS is not how i want to be feeling.  My brain says "shut it down" my heart says "not a fuckin chance bitch". Thats why i'm searching for videos to tell me how to make the hurt stop.  Give me directions on how people get through a break up from a long term relationship that they weren't ready for. But truthfully.  Maybe i did see this coming and maybe i was ready for it.  Not at that moment, and not IN that moment- but yes, I did know we weren't happy and doing nothing about fixing it.  I had become comfortable in my discomfort. I ...

For the past 5 years, my ride in to work has been all beautiful back roads through Wolcott, Cheshire and Hamden.  For so long I hated my commute but i've grown to love this one. The houses are beautiful and i love to see how they are decorated during the different seasons and holidays. I have my favorites of course, the ones i fantasize about what it would be like to live in, and how I would decorate and the parties I would have.  Its not even the big huge expensive (although i believe they are ALL expensive) homes that attract me.  It's the different ones.  The ones that you can't tell what the layout is from the outside.  You just know there are cozy nooks in that house.  One of my favorites is located on a tight curve and it is nestled right into it.  One of the trees on the road has wooden arrows pointing in all different directions with the names of cities all over the country painted on them.  They had that up BEFORE pinterest.  And ...

It must be an awful feeling to rip apart someones life, so I get that you would want to try and make me (yourself) feel better by reaching out with nonsensical messages such as "hope you're having a good day".  I mean, i know the intention was a good one, but really?  Fuck you.  My good days are on hold for a "bit" until I can begin to recognize my life again, thank you.  Do I sound angry?  At this moment, i am.  Try me in 5 minutes and there may be snot pouring out of my nose and lot of trying to suck air in between the wrenching sobs.  Or I might just be registering students for next semester.  Who the fuck knows what emotion will pour out of my face and body in the next moment?  Do you? I want to thank you for not doing this to me while i was trying to get my own shit straight.  Seriously. Had you not been so chivalrous you may have had a bridge jumping on your hands.  Smart move to sit tight during my crisis of "why do i feel ...

Selective memory isn't something you want when your spouse is breaking up with you.   During the first few days, at least from my personal experience, you will only remember all the good things you are losing as you walk back and forth between the same two rooms not knowing what the hell to do with all these FEELINGS. You will hurt, you will rage, you will want to beg (don't) you will want to make deals, or talk them into not leaving you.  These aren't to be shared with that person.  That person gave up the right to know your innermost workings.  Fuck that person and i don't mean literally.  You need to remember ALL of it, like all the NOT so good things you will no longer have to deal with. And to the person DOING the breaking up- be honest, be kind, be quick and be the fuck gone. It is not a kindness to the person you are breaking up with to be too nice.  I'm here to tell you that it will be taken as a ray of hope that you are changing your mind, that y...