Walking Barefoot in Snow

I had a revelation this weekend, as I sat listening to a bard sing a raunchy song that had me laughing my ass off..... I desire a perverted nerd I want to laugh.  Hard.  and Smile.  Frequently.   I want to know without a doubt that I am the one. I want to fall asleep talking to each other I want to know that the love i put into him will be wanted, needed, and cherished. I want passion and calmness excitement and comfort I want respect and silliness loving arms, soft eyes, BIG HUGS head scratches hand holding back tickles rubs and more rubs I want a partner watching rated G movies and X I want to dress up and go to convention centers, faires, and shows Concerts, Museums, I want someone who thinks i need no improving but encourages growth I want someone who will dare me to do what i'm afraid of and slap me five when i do it I want lots of sex and platonic touching Tears of joy happiness  Also, i want...

I took a look at my life last night and realized how full it is......how good it really is. Even with the whole bullshit process of getting my mortgage (the only time it's NOT fun being a single woman) I have zero complaints about my life.  The only real stress i have is good stress.  I keep looking forward to events and plans that I seem to be making on a daily basis....my life has literally transformed, expanded. What finally happened in October 2016 was probably the best thing to ever happen to me in the past decade.  I had given up on going any further in my life - of wanting more from myself.  The weight gain was the outside appearance of what was going on on the inside.  I was unhappy, dissatisfied, under-stimulated.  I needed more, and I needed to be booted to see it. My ex is a father now.  It's kind of crazy, that he always wanted his freedom and no responsibilities and now he has the most locked down position in life (next to being a mo...

If your ex did drugs, video-gamed, cheated, drank, smoked, spent a lot of $$ on material things or gambled.. your ex was a self- gratifier. Now just what the darn heck is self-gratification? It's the behavior of individuals who cannot sit with an uncomfortable feeling before they leap onto the next thing that makes them IMMEDIATELY feel good. Uncomfortable feeling = rejection, invalidation, being unable to get what they want, taking responsibility for what they did, sadness, etc. Self-gratifiers are on a spectrum, there's a little bit in all of us. But the worse of the lot result in pretty shitty boyfriends/husbands (or girlfriends) who really do a number on you. They tend to jump onto things and tend to get really intense or excited about things till it all blows apart and they jump onto the next best thing that gratifies them. And yes, that also means that they use something (or someone) till it doesn't benefit them any longer. As in, once you confront...

I've come to the realization that dating can actually be fun but it is still causing me to be panic ridden. The thing is, once you've gone a few dates with someone - they kinda want more than just a nice talk. And that's where i run. I think i'm broken. Or not ready? Why the fuck not!? I'm a 49 year old woman, not a 16 year old virgin. It's really easy to dislike or find some unacceptable fault in a date.  Hey, don't judge, i know men do it and i just figured it would work well for me too.  But at some point you have to ask yourself why.  Why do I keep finding reasons NOT to continue seeing any of the very nice men i've met. Because there have been a few.  Okay, one or two.  There's a lot more jerks than there are nice guys i'm sorry to say. Admitting that you enjoy someone's company makes them a friend.  That's all that is.  I don't bone my friends.  Even when i've been drinking and can use that as an excuse.  Wait i...

I always believed that in order to show your spouse that you love him, you put him and his needs before your own. Now, that sounds as bad as it looks in print. But listen, i'm not that lame - because i ALSO believed that HE was to put my needs before his own. A give and take, a compromise...you know, love. Where did i get this notion from? Books? Movies? I certainly never saw it in action.  Ever.  There is always someone who holds the upper hand in my experience, someone who cares less, has less to lose, more to gain....yikes, that sounds jaded.  But am i wrong?  I don't think so. The other day magical words poured out of my mouth while talking to my bestie...  "I will never again lose myself in a mans life and give up my own, or put it second.  I don't NEED a man to have a life. We are supposed to mesh our lives and still have our own at the same time." Common sense maybe.  It's embarrassing to realize that I basically folded myself in and a...

It happens like this - You are carrying on, doing your thing, working your day, communicating with people - nothing has gone wrong.  You are fine.  More than fine, you are good.  You are smiling even, and looking forward to events to take place later in the week.  And then, You take you earrings off because damn, they are annoying you today.  They are the dangly hippie ones that you adore, but are a little heavy.  You hold them up thinking about where to put them so you don't lose them...and you think how you used to hang orphan earrings in your rear view mirror when you were younger and adorned your vehicle with bits of your self....And then, You remember early on, but not so early that you felt you had no right, getting into his car and closing the door.  You are so occupied with him, and getting yourself situated that it takes you a minute to see it, and then another minute for it to sink in, before you feel that heat roll through your chest d...

Navigating new relationships and trusting my ability to "read" things right is a challenge.  I've come to realize that as much as i say i want a happy medium in life, i myself tend to go from one extreme to the other.  I'm all in, or all out. I never considered this to be a bad thing, but I do see now that it's limited me in so many ways. People aren't perfect, they make mistakes or they don't always respond in the way i want them to.  This is common sense to most people who let that roll right off their back.  For so long I took it as crushing rejection, or someone not returning my feelings.  Emotionally stunted?  or just emotionally immature.  That would conveniently  excuse my previous attraction to the peter pan type of man- the boy child who will never grow up or be responsible but is so much fun and ..passionate.  Also, prone to temper tantrums, which is the flip side to the fun and spontaneous. I've said before that my marriage and...

Life at Midlife I am no longer waiting for a special occasion; I burn the best candles on ordinary days. I am no longer waiting for the house to be clean; I fil l it with people who understand that even dust is Sacred. I am no longer waiting for everyone to understand me; It’s just not their task I am no longer waiting for the perfect children; my children have their own names that burn as brightly as any star. I am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop; It already did, and I survived. I am no longer waiting for the time to be right; the time is always now. I am no longer waiting for the mate who will complete me; I am grateful to be so warmly, tenderly held. I am no longer waiting for a quiet moment; my heart can be stilled whenever it is called. I am no longer waiting for the world to be at peace; I unclench my grasp and breathe peace in and out. I am no longer waiting to do something great; being awake to carry my grain of sand is enough. I am no longer...

Are you supposed to clean your cell phone out every once in a while?  Browse through and delete pictures and files that you have duplicated or don't need?  I think my phone has a ridiculous amount of memory but my cloud is "full" as my phone keeps reminding me so i am on a mission to make space. I found a whole bunch of recordings in a buried file and being me, i can't just delete them - I must know what is on them. Each. One. Of. Them.  The majority are mostly extremely short and nothing recorded but air.  And then i came across one that is 32 minutes long, and I scan to the middle and hear a mans voice that I cannot place.   Obviously i'm going to now listen to the whole thing.  Who is this man?  Why is his voice on my phone?  Why did i not know this?  The beginning is me obviously talking to Miyagi and getting out of my car (it talks to me on the bluetooth speaker) and then me walking.  I enter what sounds like a bar because of...

Yes.  I am smiling, still.  Why?  Because i'm enjoying the feeling of being happy.  I'm enjoying it for as long as it lasts, and then i'm going to do it all over again. This weekend was packed full to the gills with activity for me.  I say, for me, because i don't usually plan several things to do on each day because i like my down time.  Need my down time.  I even had to cancel plans and not accept invites.......that's always the way though, isn't it?  Weekends with nothing to do and then all of a sudden everything happens on the SAME weekend.  If that's as bad as it gets, i'm living a good life. Saturday was spent in my old "hood" at an 8th of July picnic.  It felt really strange to pull into my childhood neighborhood and go to the house that i practically grew up in, and to see my old home just up the street.  Memories.....and yes, i did feel like I was a kid again for a minute there.  It's all changed of course, and sti...

Purchasing a place to live is stressing me out.  Between the different mortgages and types of places to live........remind me why i'm doing this? oh, because it's much cheaper to buy than it is to rent.  That's why.  And because i can basically do anything I want to my abode, kinda.  Paint, wallpaper, tile...I get to decide AND pay for it.  Yahoo.  So i'm in the process of trying to make some solid choices and i need some help.   Buying a house is not what i want.  I don't want to mow, or shovel, or rake a roof during a snowstorm.  It's too much.  I value my free time and it seems crazy to pay more for more work.  If i had a family living with me, or even a spouse - then i'd go for a house.  However, it's just me so why do it?   I've thought seriously about buying a mobile home.  Stop shuddering.  There are nice ones.  Really nice ones.  It's almost like buying a house only on a smaller scale...

I'm very aware that this blog is public, and trust me when i say- I sometimes delete more than i post.  Not sometimes.  Most times. Years ago i kept journals, which were pillaged by my ex-husband so i stopped writing.  When we parted ways, i began to blog online.  This was back when blogging wasn't a business and it wasn't meant to make money.  I enjoyed it, but this also caused some upset when people identified themselves in my blogs and felt it was unflattering. I have two thoughts on this- One is, i don't lie, or make up stories.  If you don't want to be written about in a certain way- maybe just don't give me anything to write about.  If it happened to me I get to write about my version.  There's a comment section for anyone to call bullshit at any time and it hasn't happened once.  Yes, I've had to apologize for upsetting people and i've also developed deeper relationships because of my blogging so.......i'm gonna say what i'm go...

Another hurdle behind me! 4th of July weekend has always been a very happy time for me - it meant rides on the bike, visiting friends and fireworks on the lake.  There's that memory feature on facebook that reminds you of years past and most of the time i can see not very happy times scattered in however, the weekend of the 4th has always been remembered as "best time ever".  That's nice to see. There were good times and they do deserve remembering fondly. But its time for new traditions and THIS year i spent the weekend with friends at a campground.  I met a lot of really nice people, did a lot of relaxing and bullshitting - learned how to set up camp fancy style, as in, a camper.  I enjoyed it so much that i  am seriously contemplating purchasing my own small camper for vacations.  I can see myself taking off in it and being very satisfied.  Plus, it's cheaper than motel/hotels that skeeve the hell out of me.  As long as i have a place to sl...