Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Kids, brush your teeth.  It will save you so much agony down the road.  hopefully. I, am terrified of the dentist.  When i was a kid, i a had a sadistic fucker who told me to stop being a baby while torturing me.  So, obviously, i actively avoided going to any dentist unless absolutely needed, meaning when i had to have a tooth pulled. Because there's no way in hell any of that root canal bs was ever going to happen. Or braces, or any beautifying of my teeth. My dental care has been sketchy going decades between cleanings.  Because of that, i am a constant brusher.  Brushing my teeth over and over daily is not uncommon for me. I'm scared of bad breath.  Always have been. And my teeth are fabulous. It's my gums. actually my jaw bone. Because of not having regular cleaining apparently i've destroyed the bone that actually holds my pearly whites in place. And right now, i'm dealing with that consequence.  Not well. You see, for every tooth that...

 My brain is overflowing with information.  If i can keep some of it, that would be nice. I can't wait till this weekend.  Low key.  No makeup, no real clothes, no time schedule. Maybe i can start my 100 day project.....i'm starting late but there are 365 days in a year so i've still got time.   While showering and listening to the news this morning i am once again hit with the thought to delete all my social media.  At least TikTok.  I hate to chase carrots........and i feel like thats what it has become.  I can actually live without it.  Thanks. Trump dangles it in front of China to get less tariffs if they sell to (anyone?) other than china.  I wonder if Russia gets a whack at it?  Bottom line is that it's not entertainment, its a tool.  And i'm not getting paid, so fuck off.  Also heard that 23 and me is going bankrupt and to delete all my information.  For fucks sake. Isn't the internet a lovely thing? ...

 I hold my friends in high regard.  I try to be a friend that is also held in high regard. Do we both get disapointed sometimes?  i'm sure.  But that's part of being a real friend.  You don't love the parts, you love the whole, regardless. Its that trite phrase: Friends are family we choose. I tend to keep mine.  Once you are my friend, thats that.  Done deal.  Until you prove to me that you are not genuine, or you are a racist, misogynist, narcissist.......oh, wait, that's ex boyfriends....... I've had falling outs with my bestie over the years because we've been friends for over 50 years.  We went through lots of growth.  And here we still are, always will be.  Some friends i made during the pandemic (online groups) have become some of my closest and dearest in just a few short years.  Others have fallen to the wayside because the connection was never more than fleeting. Once i'm bonded with you, i'm there.  You can't ge...

 Social media is a shitshow and YET, i can't seem to stop. I had to close my TikTok and make it private.  WTF is it with crazy girlfriends stalking me?  I didn't want him, what makes you think I want to to talk to YOU about him?   I have never in my life.  I mean, once i did accidentally, but in fairness, i had no idea she was an ex gf of my bf.  So it doesn't count.   Why?  Have they no shame?  Do you think i want to be besties?  Are you out of your mind? My ex's, ex gf reached out a couple of times and i should have blocked her but my curiosity won that battle....and it confirmed that he definitely traded down.  Thats what you get for calling me crazy.  You got REAL crazy.  Now you know the difference. She's done now i think.  My last message to her probably made clear that she got what she wanted.  Deal with it. This one on TikTok though........she is everything i would expect the man i briefly dated...

My son reached out and invited me to brunch for Saturday- We like to meet at the Olympia Diner on the Berlin Turnpike because it's kinda half way for both of us and we've always gone there - Me since i was a kid with my father and my son, since he was a kid with me.  It's tradition. This time we never actually made it to eating, but we DID go down the street to a different restaurant where we had adult beverages and outstanding service.  We may have a new tradition.   While we were out they (my daughter in law and son) asked if i would come to dinner Sunday night.  She was making a big batch of stuffed shells.  Sunday was nice, her family was there and it very relaxed.  I really enjoy her family and appreciate that they have always treated my son as family. Before i went Sunday i literally slept all day.  I woke up at 4pm and dashed out of the house to be on time for dinner.   I tend to sleep a lot when i'm overwhelmed.   I kee...

 .........i'm not sure anyone i know would ever associate quiet with my fury. I can talk, use my words, hell, i can even LISTEN to others words.  Even if they don't fall in line with mine. Unless they start calling me names, or mock me, or be condescending. The art of conversation is lost on many people.  The exchange of ideas in a way that comes to a partially happy ending for both "sides"........over.  It's all or nothing to be a winner.  Dummy. I will not discuss my views on politics anymore.  I will not continue to post memes or repost others thoughts that i agree, or disagree with. My thoughts are my business, and the business of those closest to me.  I do not live in a world where having "thoughts" or "ideas" are welcome, regardless of what they are.  I've been struggling with this, and have been focusing on the more immediate topic of dating, of men, of day to day life.  The things within my reach, that i have some kind of say over....

 I know the difference between a good man and a sketchy one.  Why?  Because i've delt with many sketchy men. I blame this on myself.  I was a walking beacon for men looking to take advantage of a woman stupid enough to be happy with the tiniest effort (when absolutely necessary) when I was giving my entire self. Low self esteem will attract scum. Well lets all be grateful i've finally found mine!  A little late to the party, but at least it finally showed up. I've been accused of giving up too quickly, cutting men out too fast- which is the exact opposite of what i used to do.......which was try to prove to them that i was a worthy woman. Mr. Saybrook.  Last year i saw him for a bit, and i thought he was flakey.  He wouldn't make plans ahead of time, was always flying by the seat of his pants...........and he had a "roommate" that was moving out.  Red flag anyone?  However, i was still feeling sore over Mr. Tattoo (i know, i know!) and he was...

 I remember dating a guy briefly who would always tell me when he was going to call again, and he would ask me out for the next time before we ended the current date.  That was truly unique, in that I have never heard of, or had, a man treat me so consistently.  We weren't a match, but I still remember how respectful he was and how nice it was not to wonder. When i start to wonder, it's not a good thing. I don't like it.  I don't like open ends left hanging. If you don't know, say you don't know when the next time we will get together will be.  I'll decide if you are worth waiting for. Thats the thing with men, they want to hold all the cards and we women generally let them. Not anymore.  Not me.  I will NOT wonder. I found that mans consistency so attractive that i can't go back.  He showed interest and didn't make me wonder.  These games men play are not attractive, do not make us want them more- it actually ruins any good feelings we may b...

 What in interesting weekend. Had myself a back and forth texting session with the ex which led to me ignoring him.  What a nice change of pace.  I got a full dose of what he wants, he wants.  Regardless of what I want.  I'm happy to have a friendship with him due to spending so many years with him.  I don't need any further apology or explanation for how we ended things.  I'm over it.  I've moved on, i'm in a better place because of it.  He's not.  But that was his choice.  We all have to live with our choices. I know how it feels now, to just not answer when someone is waiting for your response.  I do NOT feel beholden to anyone, to do ANYTHING, including basic manners, when pushed past my limits. Behave or be gone. So Friday was a shitty day with me feeling very depressed for what reason?  no idea.  But those texts snapped me out of it and made me wake up. So thank you for that i guess. I told Mr. Saybrook that i w...

 Last nights date was pretty damn near perfect. He was on time, he met me in the parking lot, nice hug hello.  He looks just like what i thought he would look like.  Handsome, taller than i am, slim build, and stylin.  He has great style.... We talked non-stop about everything, a nice back and forth.  He asked questions and answered mine.  We didn't agree on everything but that made it even better. We closed the restaurant, and only left because we aren't assholes. So we stood talking in the parking lot, continuing the good vibes. Finally, i said i should go- and then the KISS.  gooooooood lord.  An outstanding kisser.   Literally, standing in an empty parking lot....ME....the one who hates kissing in public.  And i enjoyed every minute of it.  Very much. He did the thing.  Got out of his car, tapped on my window, and gave me another outstanding kiss when i rolled it down. See.......that works for me.  It means i'm no...

 I forgot what i nicknamed this guy when i went on a few dates with him over the summer....I know I thought he was flakey, and that there was a lot going on in the background.  He could never make an actual date, everything was very last minute and contingent on a lot of things......I lost interest quickly. Blonde hair, nice bike, house....all the trappings.  He's back, insistantly back.  I'm talking with him, but not expecting much by way of actually dating.  He said his medication made him inconsistent while he was seeing me and he didn't want to say that.   Everyone is on medication for depression and anxiety.  What does that tell you? I hit him with some direct questions, one of them being "whats changed that you think it will work this time?"  and that was the answer i got.   I get the sneaking suspicion he is looking for someone to share the mortgage with.  Am i cynical?  perhaps.  But it's on my radar. So lets ...

 Tomorrow after work i'm meeting a man i've been talking to for a while online.  He's an influencer that i connected with over thrifting of all things.  Then music, and on and on. That, AND he is attractive.  Irish.  Tats. Red head........I know, I know.   He' a jersey guy so not incredibly far, but far enough.  Flirtatious, yes.  He travels a lot for his job and he likes to meet people.  We enjoy talking to each other so when he asked if i was available on Wednesday, i agreed to meet up with him for dinner. I started out this year with the plan to have 52 first dates, or until i meet the love of my life.  I realize that this is a huge endevour and takes a LOT of time.  Its made me realize i don't have that kind of time and if I DID i have other ways i'd like to spend it. But of course, i'm still saying "yes" to meeting men who ask me out who don't give me the creeps.   I check them out, vet them, and meet them. ...

 This past Saturday night i revisited what it felt like to be the zero fucks ME.   I had talked myself out of going out that night.  I dragged my ass around the house and thought of every reason to text my girlfriend an excuse about why i wasn't going out. I had many valid reasons.  Putting on real clothes, trying to make myself attractive, going somewhere i've never been all by myself to walk up to a man i've been talking to, but haven't ever met face to face.   Okay, Mb.  Just put on your sassy pants and go do it.  Nothing to lose, everything to gain.   But PJs.   No.   On my way I get a text from my gf, she's running late.  When i get to the venue I ask her "how late" and she says about 1/2 an hour. She's picking up our other 2 girlfriends. Do i sit out here in the car for half an hour like a baby when his gig starts in half hour, or do i go inside by myself (getting used to that) and find him, say hello ...

 I wonder if this is a book i can borrow?  I need it. Being a United States citizen, being born and raised here by parents who were also born and raised here, has always been something i've taken for granted.  Plus, I'm white.  I have not faced discrimination (to my knowledge) nor have i ever felt uncomfortable anywhere i've gone.  I've never felt like I didn't "belong" or that there was literally anything i couldn't do. That is privilege.  And most privileged people are clueless ABOUT their privilege because they've never had to think about it.  THAT is privilege.  If you take the time to sit down and listen, watch, learn what other peoples life experiences are, you cannot deny it.  There is no shame in acknowledging it......the more people who acknowledge it the better because then we can even out the playing field. But people get mad, they get defensive.  They say they haven't had a good life just because they are white in the United ...

 Here i am trying to pay down all my credit and it looks like this may the busiest year for travel that i've had to date.   I'll be going to florida this summer. It's not any hotter there than it is here only there are BEACHES that are gorgeous.  This time it looks like shenanigans will be going as well so it will be interesting to see how it goes.  A weekend away is different than a week away.  It has been the most relaxing week of my year  for several years now......this is an experiment.  JD are the most generous couple and without them i would never be able to vacation at ALL. And they've invited me on a separate trip.  A "destination" trip that has yet to be decided.  So while i'm paying down my cards, i'm trying to save money for life and for these trips. With the way things are going in the world - i'm not going to feel bad for living while i can.  Who knows what changes the next few years will bring.  Somehow i don't th...

 I have a friend going to jail in May for a year.  It was a stupid thing, but it happened.  I could almost see myself doing the same thing he did if i was in a similar situation. Friday i want to go see a band at a place that is not that far from me.  I'm pausing though, because i know that a guy i used to see will be  there with his girlfriend who is just.......trashy.  She's one of those that likes to start shit for no apparent reason. The last time i was at the establishment to see a band he showed without her up and left me alone.  Smart.  But his girlfriend has reached out to me in the past with some cray cray - i'm not sure she isn't special needs.   I don't know why this happens to me.  Well, maybe i understand why my ex's coocoo bird reached out - but i'm pretty sure she won't again.  People tend to forget that they got exactly what they wanted and that i'm not interested. This one though, he was ....a wannabe badass wh...

 I spent the weekend away again - actually worked from Milford in order to beat the traffic that ususally makes the one hour ride, two hours.   Neither of my friends were home, i was told to just make myself at home. So i set up shop at their kitchen table and worked until it was time to stop.  Read my book and cuddled in the recliner with Miyagi until they arrived home.   If you had told me i would be spending many of my weekends with this couple I wouldn't have believed you. I'm a homebody.  I like my space, my quiet, my no answering to or having to talk to anyone.  And yet, I'm never stressed out with them.  They are family. Saturday i had my very first massage that wasn't part of physical therapy.  Jen took me, and laughed when i kept saying "1 and 1/2 hours?  And i have to take my clothes off?".....she told me to relax and stop it.  Just do it.  Well we did and let me tell you.........i'll be doing it again.  Tha...