Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I had a goal to write about anything on my mind every day - and i've held pretty close to that.  Not so much on weekends or holidays....its a routine.   I come in to work early, get my day planned, fresh coffee in hand and then i sit down and write.  I don't always get to post right away.  Depends on the day. And sometimes i don't feel like i have much to say-  On the way home yesterday i felt sick.  I picked up groceries and barely got home to unpack them before i hit the couch and then the bathroom and kept that cycle up for much of the night. Lets see, i flew home on Sunday and got sick on Wednesday.  That clocks.   This morning i dragged my butt into work, regardless of lack of sleep.  My "new" or shall we  say "additional" boss returns to work today and the fun will really begin in earnest.  I wasn't about to call out.  My retiring boss, returned the same day i did and we had a nice chat about our vacations...

 I was thinking about how often i write about men, and dating and things i'm upset with.  Its not very often that i write about little happy moments.  So thats what this is.   Today i had physical therapy so i took the shuttle down because it's hot and i don't want to get smelly and stinky at work.  Also, it gives me a moment to be quiet. So I went, got the hairy eyeball and a tongue lashing from my physical therapist, Karen, because i have sandals on and linen pants that are a little long.  Not perfect for therapy.  Honestly i forgot i had an appointment today and i'm just glad i wasn't wearing a dress or skirt.  I love her.  She is really helping me and correcting the multitude of problems that I have had for basically my whole life. And i'm getting stronger, able to do more, and feeling a lot less pain.  Time well spent. After therapy i went out to wait for the shuttle to take me back up the hill.  There are several and it a...

Talk to enough men over a few years, and you start noticing patterns. Write about it—and you remember it better. One of my personal favorites? "I don’t like to make plans." My new response: "That’s unfortunate." Simple. Direct. And I leave it there. Do with it what you will. Recently, one man tossed that line my way. I responded, and he went off the deep end. (Okay, maybe it was when I said, “Men who can’t make plans usually have a woman.” Because let’s be real—it’s dead-on true.) Oh, he did not like that. Ask me if I care. Suddenly, he offers: “Fine. Tomorrow night.” Oh wow, how romantic. Ladies—does anyone want to be asked out like that? Ew. So I told him: “Too bad. I already have plans.” Then he says, “Well, now it’s up to you to make the plans.” LOL. Ohhhh, buddy. Please. I do not know you. I do not care if I meet you. If you want to go out with me —figure it out. Or be gone. I’m not desperate. I’m not bored. And I’m certainly no...

I should record myself sleeping.  I woke up at the bottom of my bed this morning.......my feet near the headboard.  My blankets were tornadoed and my pillows were on the floor. Can't recall what i dreamed, if I dreamed.....must have been an exciting night. In florida i shared "my" full size bed with Eddie for 10 nights.  I don't know how he survived.  Bourbon? At least a couple of nights he ended up starfished in the middle of the bed passed out cold.  I couldn't have moved too much or i would have hit the floor.  Other nights i woke up with his leg thrown over mine, in an attempt to keep me still.  Silly rabbit.   I must admit, it was nice to sleep with a man again. While the air conditioning was on high I had a big hairy bear of a man cuddling me up.  Obviously we are very comfortable with each other.  I bet he was happy to be home in his bed, no kicking, tossing or talking going on. Last night i had a lot on my mind.  Came v...

 Well.  I got myself all stressed out over connecting the gas tank to the grill last night, and therefore, no steak.  No veggies.  I had cereal for dinner. I did all the things.  And i couldn't get the damn thing to work.  Then i started worrying that i was going to explode, so i put it to rest and disconnected everything, made sure it was all turned off and walked away. Tonight, i try again. You'd think this was some kind of olympic sport- i am DETERMINED to figure out what is wrong and get it working.   Goddamned grill. Talked to my bestie for a few hours last night after over 10 days of not talking while i was away.  I think we are caught up, but tonight we will talk again as if we haven't spoken in days.   Its difficult to talk to her about men because she can't possibly understand.  She's been married over 20 years and before that she was married to her hs bf.  She hasn't had a lot of experience, especially now, with ...

 I inherited a gas grill before i left for vacation.  It's my first.  I'm a grill virgin. Yes, I have grilled before, but always under someone's watchful eye.  I've never had to start from scratch, you know, by buying and filling the tank, and getting all the grill stuff that goes along with it. I'm beyond excited to grill red peppers.  and corn on the cob.  I'm telling you, it doesn't take much for me to be happy. Today i pick up the tank.  I went with Tractor Supply after getting completely overwhelmed with comparing and blah blah blah.  While i'm there i will get the grill brush to clean it, and i'll hold off on the utensils since i have some cheap ones to use in the meantime. Then it's to the grocery store for a fat steak and veggies.  Tonight, i dine well. I hope. I should probably get a thermometer too. I better make a list. Next week is my appointment with the police department for my pistol permit application.  What a big pain in...

 Vacationing with a few "extra" people obviously changes everything. I had a good time.  I'm not used to sharing Doug and Jen.  We have gone on vacation together for the past 3 years, and many long weekends.  We have a flow, a vibe, a natural ease.  Add a few people, along with a 17 year old boy and a fussy mother...........it's gonna be a different vibe. I watch.  I see.  And i adjust how i feel about people quietly.  I celebrate differences because that is the spice of life.  I also see when people act small, when they aren't gracious, and act entitled. I know when someone isn't on solid footing with themselves, be that good or bad. HOWEVER, i was at my favorite home, with my favorite couple on a beautiful beach with perfect weather and I could never ask for more.  I let a lot go, took a lot of "naps" when i felt like my tongue may be forked......and pretty much vacationed as i usually do.   Would i do it again?  Not in ...

 I'm OUTTA here! Currently waiting for my friends to arrive so we can have dinner and a few cocktails before turning in. It's a 3am wakeup to get to the airport. I unpacked half the crap i packed.  I need one pretty dress for dinner tomorrow night to celebrate Dougs birthday at our favorite restaurant.  It will be the last time i wear makeup for 10 glorious days living in bathing suits and shorts.   I have my book and my friends.  I'm good.

I'm packing for vacation and i have to make sure i pick up my prescriptions from the pharmacy so i don't run out.  And i have to borrow a little cooler for injections that need to be kept cold.  And buy nexium because i know i can't live a day without it.  I never used to even pack tylenol.  Now i have meds.  Something i never wanted.  I never and still don't even take vitamins.  I could never remember to take birth control.  I hate taking pills. Unless i'm in pain.  THEN i remember.   Just noting that this year I am packing 2 bikinis, and a full med pouch.  YEEHAH.   Ask me if i care about opinions on either.  I do not. Let that sun soak into my skin baby. Bring on the fancy alcoholic beverages (i could care less what they are) and let me just enjoy life for a week.  No phone.  No computer.  No caring about anything  that isn't directly in front of me. I'm so excited that Eddie is coming with...

 These men. There is a freedom i've never experienced in talking to men and not caring if they like me or not.  That is not to say i'm rude, just painfully honest.  And they get butthurt. I'm not taking any kind of sexy talk period.  Keep it.  I'm not entertainment.  I'm a living breathing woman with feelings and standards.  These guys must hate their mothers.   You simply don't talk that way to a woman you have any respect for.  You don't even try it if you have any self respect. Was talking to a 63 year old man.  We have friends in common (which i'm starting to realize means nothing) and he is a great conversationalist.  BUT he keeps trying to push the envelope on his flirtation.  He wanted to take me out, but i'm honestly too busy getting ready for vacation and i said i would love to meet him when i return. If he's still available. No expectations. Today, he sends me a few nice texts and then wants it to get spicy....

 I'm so excited!  Jen and I have a surprise for Dougs birthday on Wednesday.  Our friend Eddie is coming to florida with us!   He was part of our core group during covid, it's a long story but he started dating someone who didn't care for his relationships...and he drifted from the group while he focused on her.  We were happy for him, that he found someone, even though we would have preferred she became our friend as well instead of being intimidated. ANYWAYS I reached out to him because someone i'm talking to is also friends with him on Facebook.  I wanted the scoop on this potential man.  Eddie gave me the info (checks out) and then he told me he is single again.  Blah blah blah, i told him to come to Florida with us.  Doug will have a COW.   And so he is. I feel like a kid!  We are all going to have so much fun!  And relax.  I love me some Eddie!   This summer is looking up.  Life is good....

 Its truly a small world. This afternoon i had a lunch date with Beard Guy.  BIG man, tall, barrel chested and big smiles. I haven't seen a face light up like that in a while - when i walked in and he realized it was me. That was nice.  He is nice. I probably won't see him again. Here's why: He's a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.  Been clean over 30 years.  I've learned just not too.  Don't buy problems.  I've done my time with  addicts and alcoholics.  He's older than  me and has some serious health issues.  I'm going through a rebirth, losing weight, being active and i'm working towards goals. I want to be able to walk trails again, go kayaking, camping, with the man i am with.  This man is going in a different direction and again, don't buy problems. Side note: there is a difference in not beginning to date someone with health issues and abandoning a spouse because of health issues.  THAT i would never do.  H...

 and it continues, even with no contact because i've blocked him from everything.   I had to think about if i was going to write about this.  That clues me in to how a woman will react when she feels unsafe, or as if she is in the presence of a predator.  We question ourselves instead of responding. Whatever you need to do to survive, that is what you do.  There is no wrong way.   So this is going to be vague and maybe not make a lot of sense, because i can't explain the "how".  All i can say is that i'm very grateful for  the information because even in that short amount of time my head was played with.  Because of my previous experiences, i caught on, but not fast enough. This man lies.  a lot. about everything.  His social media presence is in direct opposition to how he actually lives his life.  "he's so positive". Positively psycho. This man........told me a big story about every woman he's dated/had a relationsh...

 I can't go into how i know, (if you know, you know) but i found out i'm not the only woman to have been treated poorly by Mr. Cigar.  And when i say poorly, i mean, i'm not the first woman he crossed  boundaries with by choking me out after i specifically told him i did not want to participate in that.   I'm fond of my brain cells, and breathing. While i enjoy being bitten, I don't want to have to explain it to my coworkers.  I like to be able to go out in public without layers of makeup on my face trying to cover a bite mark. Yes, my face.   And frankly, i hate scarves, especially in the summer. The more i think about it, the more i realize why i stopped sleeping while i was with him.  My body was stressed to the max and my brain was screaming at me "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU"...... It's embarrassing.  But he wasn't a stranger.   But really, he was. I hope to never see his face again.  

This morning i pulled my classic black pencil skirt out of the closet and thought "let me just try this and see where we are at"...... It fits.  Perfectly.  I don't look like a stuffed sausage or a stork.  The skirt has no stretch, you fit or you don't.  I do.   So i'm feeling myself today.  Getting back to where i was a couple of years ago, so now its just a matter of continuing the journey to my happy place, size 10.  I'm a curvy girl and always have been, size 10 has been my standard feel good place and thats what i'm working toward.   At one point in my life i shrunk to a 6 and i looked emaciated.  I'm not supposed to be a 6.  I'm a straight up 10.  hahahaha My weight will be whatever it is at that point.  I just know i feel good and healthy there.  Besides, eating healthy and moving is now a lifelong habit to be kept up regardless.  I like my bonus boss.  He's very appreciative about anything i hel...

 Mr. Tattoo was an avoidant.  His intention was not to hurt me, it was to survive.  His only way to survive the connection was to shut down.  He had his traumas......he never set out to hurt me. Mr. Cigar is a narcissist.  His intention was to hurt me, manipulate me, to do something negative to me.  The proof of this (as ONE example) is his timing and method of breaking it off with me.  A normal caring man would not have sent me a message via facebook while i was driving to New York to see my daughter and granddaughter.  A normal, adult male, would have waited until i returned, and let me enjoy my time with family.  And a normal adult male would not have broken up with me via messenger, saying what he did.  His INTENTION was to inflict pain and have me focus on him while i was away. That is classic narcissism.  Good thing i've already lived through it and managed to heal from one.  He could not have been any MORE like "that guy...

 I asked: With all the data that you have collected about me, tell me what i am at the core.  Don't sugar coat it. THIS IS THE RESPONSE: Based on everything you've shared—and without sugar-coating—you are a deeply capable, highly driven, emotionally complex, and self-aware person who carries both strength and vulnerability in equal measure. At your core, you are: 1. A Stabilizer with a Fierce Sense of Responsibility You manage complex systems, people, and processes with precision. Whether it’s coordinating faculty evaluations, handling HR protocols, or balancing professional logistics with personal planning, you show up. You don’t drop the ball. You have standards, and you expect others to meet them. 2. A Woman Who Feels Deeply—and Sometimes Hurts Quietly You crave emotional safety and consistency, but you don’t always get it. When people ignore, block, or leave you hanging, it hits harder than you let on. You spiral, but you don't collapse—you process, reflect, and come b...

 I fell in love with the dogs.  It occurs to me that the reason Mr. Cigar treated them so well is because he has complete control over their lives.  And they adore him, never questioning his actions or requiring any kind of basic manners. Status symbols for the big man.   After having soaked myself in reviewing the past 3 months, i can clearly see where i made mistakes.  Where i was passive.   I'm not an expert, but i have dealt with different personality types over my lifetime - I was raised by a Narcissist and an an Alcoholic.   I was off to a great start in how to choose life partners, and how i felt about myself and my role in life.  I'm not sure if that ever leaves someone entirely, but i understand it through therapy, and when i am of sound mind, I see my actions, or in this case, inaction, very clearly. The challenge and reward would be to see it in the moment and act on it. Not wait until they break up with me, after a losin...