Every day

 I had a goal to write about anything on my mind every day - and i've held pretty close to that.  Not so much on weekends or holidays....its a routine.  

I come in to work early, get my day planned, fresh coffee in hand and then i sit down and write.  I don't always get to post right away.  Depends on the day.

And sometimes i don't feel like i have much to say- 

On the way home yesterday i felt sick.  I picked up groceries and barely got home to unpack them before i hit the couch and then the bathroom and kept that cycle up for much of the night.

Lets see, i flew home on Sunday and got sick on Wednesday.  That clocks.  

This morning i dragged my butt into work, regardless of lack of sleep.  My "new" or shall we  say "additional" boss returns to work today and the fun will really begin in earnest.  I wasn't about to call out.  My retiring boss, returned the same day i did and we had a nice chat about our vacations and some of the changes that the additional boss will institute.  I'm watching him fade and it kills me.  I mean, he's 82 and has parkinsons........fading is imminent.  One thing i notice is that he smiles a lot more even though i know he really did not want to retire.  I have him part time until at least the new year, so he told me.  It used to be for an additional year, now it's the new year.

Maybe he's getting used to the idea.

We will be spending concentrated time together working on the website that feeds into SQL database- and i love those times.  We check each other, brain storm and evaluate the flow.....it's my favorite part of my job.I can't say enough how much i've learned from him.  He has changed my professional direction to where i actually thrive.  I'm good at it.  

It's going to be difficult when he leaves.

Everyone should be so lucky to have that worry.

With that said, it's been a bit on the slow side and i'm looking forward to being flooded with deadlines again.  We will have to wait and see how this additional boss moves, if he is smart enough to value me or if he thinks (which is very very common) that because he is a Surgeon he is better than me.  At surgery, definetly, but i can run circles around just about any provider when it comes to the databases, websites and office administration.  If he is smart, he will use me like his life depends on it. 

But..........as i learned before this position with my very short stint in Anesthesia....they are NOT all smart.  

A few weeks ago i had the opportunity to visit the Cancer Center where i started and spent 5 years.  I do NOT miss working in clinics, or the hours, or having to work holidays and snow days....but i DO miss the people.  I miss the tight team we had before it started growing and additional management with a different agenda came on board.  I was very comfortable there, I knew my job and i was good at it.......but the potential for growth, with all the growth taking place there, was not available for me.  So I moved on.  And now, here i am, where i belong.

It's the same with friends, and men.  Sometimes we outgrow people - we hit a wall or we learn something that just doesn't jive with how we live our lives.  And thats okay.  Holding on to something, or someone that doesn't fit your life is just holding everyone back from growth.  And it's miserable.

I don't need to burn the bridge with fussy mom from my vacation- but i do need to step back from interaction and expressing feelings i no longer have for her.  I will not be phony. Nor will i be mean.  I just need to withdraw slowly from something that doesn't work anymore.

And thats how it should be.  No reason to burn bridges or have a huge showdown.  It is what it is.  My time is better spent on people who share my values, and who i can trust.  Trust is everything.

I did talk to Doug yesterday- and he told me i'm being catty.  Possibly.  But thats how i feel.  He wants so badly for me to get together with Ed. I told him that is on Ed.  I know what i want in a romantic partnership and sharing is not part of it.  

I want that old fashioned true love, best friend and confidant man.  The one i can work hard with, show up for and have that vibe be returned, not because he HAS to but because he WANTS to.  I want trust.  I want emotional security.  It's not complicated.  But it's rare.

I still haven't found it.