The dogs

 I fell in love with the dogs.  It occurs to me that the reason Mr. Cigar treated them so well is because he has complete control over their lives.  And they adore him, never questioning his actions or requiring any kind of basic manners.

Status symbols for the big man.  

After having soaked myself in reviewing the past 3 months, i can clearly see where i made mistakes.  Where i was passive.  

I'm not an expert, but i have dealt with different personality types over my lifetime - I was raised by a Narcissist and an an Alcoholic.   I was off to a great start in how to choose life partners, and how i felt about myself and my role in life.  I'm not sure if that ever leaves someone entirely, but i understand it through therapy, and when i am of sound mind, I see my actions, or in this case, inaction, very clearly.

The challenge and reward would be to see it in the moment and act on it.

Not wait until they break up with me, after a losing battle of the wills.

It's true, I break up with men who are too easy.  I don't trust the men that fall hard for me.  I don't believe them.  Love is elusive, i must chase it down and catch it.  I must work to keep it.  That is my knee jerk reaction.  Those feelings?  Not love.  They are feelings that are FAMILIAR to me when associated with love.

I'm actually glad i have broken up with men who profess to love me, because they didn't deserve to be dragged through a shitpile while i figure myself out.

I have no self esteem issue.  I just don't know how to be loved by a man.  I don't know how to trust kindness from a man without thinking it's manipulation.  And honestly, there aren't a lot of good men out there either.  There a lot of mentally healthy, attractive, successful and fun women my age who are having the same exact experience of trying to find life in the sludge of the dating pool.  

My daughter told me i have always focused on men and dating and i know this to be true.  I mean, look at what i write consistently about.  In my defense, i write mostly about things that make me uncomfortable or piss me off.  It's pretty rare that i'm writing an entire blog entry about the great time i had with my family or friends.  They don't itch my brain and make me crazy.  Men do.

And so that also needs to be dealt with.  

Focus needs to be on my career, especially now with budget cuts galore and how healthcare in general is about to change due to the new administration at the state and federal levels.  How i earn my money needs to take priority focus.  What i intend to do after retirement needs to be put into action sooner, not later.  

My health needs to continue to be something i improve on at a time in life when it's expected to decline.  I continue to lose weight and exercise more - and I do feel better, but i need to ramp that up as i improve.  Do more, work harder.  I love my body as it is, with the soft belly and the sagging boobs- all of it.  This body has given me two children, has carried me through heartbreak, has brought me to nudie beaches where i let it sit in the sun with no embarrassment.  This body is MY body and the point is not to make it more palatable for someone ELSE....it's to ensure that i can continue to move with it into the next phase of my life.  

Last night i dragged all my watercolors and all the paraphernalia associated with watercolor painting out of my craft cave (closet).  I am feeling very creative and i want to experiment. On Saturday, while sitting with my daughter for hours talking and painting I watched a canvas mutate into something i had not planned.  I remember my art professor teaching us not to become attached to the idea when creating.  I was proud of myself because usually if i "make a mistake" I quit it and throw it out.  I don't continue working it to see how it manifests itself.  I'm seeing that it is a form of meditation, to just let it work itself out and flow through me.  

Considering what was in my head Saturday (and i only talked to my daughter about it a little bit, he was not the main focus) the canvas that came from my subconscious mind was not a dark or violent thing.....it turned into a very soft, delicate flowers......who would have thought I would paint flowers??? I worked on it for hours, not consciously knowing what it would turn into.  All the time, listening to my daughter, enjoying her company...feeling proud to know her and be her mother.  My grandaughter is of the age where her attention is much like a cats......at her will.  She is growing up fast and is my lovebug, so affectionate and talkative, when she wants to be.  Just like her mom, just like me.

I think of my son, and how proud i am that he is a strong yet sensitive man. That he loves his wife and they are best friends.  He is the kind of man i need to look for in who i date.  It's that simple.