exciting!

 I inherited a gas grill before i left for vacation.  It's my first.  I'm a grill virgin.

Yes, I have grilled before, but always under someone's watchful eye.  I've never had to start from scratch, you know, by buying and filling the tank, and getting all the grill stuff that goes along with it.

I'm beyond excited to grill red peppers.  and corn on the cob.  I'm telling you, it doesn't take much for me to be happy.

Today i pick up the tank.  I went with Tractor Supply after getting completely overwhelmed with comparing and blah blah blah.  While i'm there i will get the grill brush to clean it, and i'll hold off on the utensils since i have some cheap ones to use in the meantime.

Then it's to the grocery store for a fat steak and veggies.  Tonight, i dine well. I hope.

I should probably get a thermometer too.

I better make a list.

Next week is my appointment with the police department for my pistol permit application.  What a big pain in the ass, not to mention expensive.  My fault for letting it expire.  I have no one else to blame.  It's not as easy this time around with the town i live in not being very fond of gun permits.  I'm going to actually use it this time though - I have several shooting partner volunteers and once i purchase what i want i will go by myself to practice.  I'm not a gun collector.  This is strictly for protection and i WILL know how to use it accordingly.  Plan in process....will see it through to completion.

Next on the list is getting my passport squared away.  Doug and Jen invited me to go on a cruise next year and i may actually go as long as it's not a large over priced and under value cruise like carnival.  My boss advised me to go on a cruise with a max of 900 people.  He says everything is better and you get to stop more often at places the larger cruises can't stop.  Besides, me stuck on a boat with 5,000 people does not sound ideal.  at all.  Also, i've been thinking about taking a train to Canada as a solo trip.  It leaves out of New York City and takes you up to Niagra Falls.  It would be my first solo trip and i've been thinking about it for a while.  2026 will be a big year for me, doing what i've always wanted to do with a partner, by myself.

I know a grill is silly to get excited about, but i am.  I know i shouldn't have let my pistol permit expire, but i did.  And i know i'll be nervous about traveling out of the country by myself.....but i'm going to.

There is literally no reason why i shouldn't do anything i want.  I work hard.  Just because i'm single doesn't mean i should sit home and wish i could go places.  I'm going.

In other news- i had a nice conversation with Mr. Tattoo today via text which i instigated.  He was on my mind so i reached out.  He responded kindly and said some very nice things.  I feel good about that.  No one is ever going to understand why that makes me feel better, not even myself.  He's in a relationship, but that wasn't the point.  If i meet a guy like him, who actually wants to be in a relationship (with me)  I won't pause.  Not for a second.  Those kind of men are a rare breed.  I wasn't what he needed, and i needed time to learn a few valuable lessons.   No man of substance is going to put up with insecurities and clinginess......the ones who do will only exploit a woman, not love her.

Which brings me to an interesting conversation i had and have been having with Mr. Cigars (Mr. Grade A Asshole) NOT ex girlfriend.  

I did a bit of cleaning up before i left on vacation - made sure that any woman who belongs to the "Are we dating the same guy" facebook page was made aware of Mr. Cigar's choking me out regardless of the boundaries i had set.  I didn't post anonymously and i stated that i was very aware he has friends in the group.  That post exploded into many women sharing their bad experiences with him, and several women who were grateful for my post because he is in their inbox.  I really wish someone would have told me before i put myself in that situation.  Bad men come in all shapes and sizes.

Which got me thinking about how much shit he talked about his "ex" girlfriend, and the fact that he still had a custom made floor matt of the two of them at the entrance to his home, and still had a love note sticky from her on his kitchen cabinet......I thought about the hair band i found on his kitchen counter...all the signs that he was not just seeing me even though HE was the one who wanted exclusivity.....so i looked her up.  And i told her that i knew they were still in contact because he talked shit about her, and that he was no friend to her.  

Well.....the reason they are still in contact is because they are still together.  She accepted a job in hospice that he was not happy about and she lives with the patient until they pass, and she gets another assignment.  Apparently.  She has been seeing him once a week, has never not seen him.  I was on vacation when she contacted me, but i felt bad for blowing her world up, and we talked for a while.  She had no idea. But she did tell me a LOT of things about him that i'm glad i missed out on.  He's been busy making her life hell for a while.  She was THANKING me for telling her and then talking with her. Yes, she is hurt but not at all surprised.  She told me he devastated his ex by cheating on her for 11 years....I'm not too sure why she didn't run like i did.  

What i don't see is why.  Yes, he is charming when he wants to be.....put a few drinks in him and its instant asshole with a big mouth.  I really dodged a bullet.  A few years ago i would be deep in the trenches trying to make this man love me.  It's hard to admit it, and maybe that's why i feel for this woman.  I know how she feels.  

But i also know, her life is going to improve drastically once she gets him out of her system.  And that may take a while.  There is light on the other side of a bad relationship.  If i healed from a 13 year once sided relationship, anyone can.  You just have to love yourself.  Sometimes a bad breakup is what it takes.

So there's that.

Someone i briefly chatted with before vacation seems to have put my return on his calendar because this morning he texted me asking if i returned safely.  Thats nice.  Perhaps i will go out with him.  After that, i'm going to lay low and take care of all of the above.  I'm feeling like i need a good cleanse so i can start fresh.