Walking Barefoot in Snow

Last night i tossed and turned and woke up from dreams that had me thinking in the middle of the night and that is NEVER a great sign that all is right in my world. So here I am. How is it, that when i'm looking for a partner the market is a barren waste land?  When i finally decide that this looking and dating and game playing is no longer fun and  quite a bit awful it's open season on hunters. They always circle back.  Women who have done this online bullshit know this is true.  You get put into a cycle and eventually.....they.come.back....You have two choices.  You can entertain the bullshit or you can block them.  Lets face it, no self respecting woman wants to be circled back on after a guy has determined he can't do better than you or that you are just good enough to get him through till the next opportunity. Ah, yes.  Jaded a small wee bit.  Or just experienced and realistic. When i moved, I decided it was a great time to make s...

It's been a while - I keep wanting to write a new entry and then i just don't. So here i am, sitting on my unmade bed looking at my apartment, in it's final stages of being dismantled, after a year of putting it together "just so". I'm moving.  An opportunity was offered and I jumped at it.  Even though i love where i am, am happy where I am, will miss where I am.  I came full circle here, in the nest i created.  And now i'm going to leave it.  Ugh.  I must be crazy. For so long I haven't known who I am.  Where do my likes start? My wants.  They've always been tied into a man, or in pursuit of a man.....a partner.  I've always been afraid of being alone.  Wanting to make every decision with someone.  I never learned how to just...be me. Everyone tells you this, it should be common sense, but until it clicks for you it's all just words.  Words that mean nothing because you can't understand until you suddenly, do. Years a...

This is what happens....i get peaceful, and relatively happy and i think "let me take a look" and i join a dating site.  I'm instantly reminded of why i closed accounts in the past.   But, how else to go about it? Now..i've met some nice men.  I've even made some of them good friends.  Without those sites, i would have missed out on a lot of laughs and different perspectives.  Friendship with the opposite sex, especially new friendship when you are both single...it's important.  You learn a lot about yourself.  But that's not what this blog is about... This is about mother fucking married men who join dating sites and represent themselves as single. And WASTE MY TIME. Here's a thought.  How about instead of trying to pick up women who don't mind fucking a taken man..(theres another blog)..how about you put that energy into your wife?  And if she isn't into it....why are you still married?  Divorce takes a lot of energy....

I tried to write a blog entry about all the bullshit that has been going on since your death Heather.  First i lost internet connection and it didn't save. Then, i hit the wrong key and everything disappeared and i couldn't get it back. I get it.  I'm listening.  I'm letting it go.  Thank you. Sometimes i hold on too long and too tight, but you helped me let go.  So thank you for that too. You were right, my life is better and i am different and i do deserve more.  So did you.  I didn't appreciate you for so long, but i'm grateful we connected during these last few years.  I wish i had loved you longer.

Down 7 pounds, haven’t had ANY acid indigestion since I started AND I put on a ring that didn’t fit less than a week ago. So.  Totally worth it. I don’t have to think about food all day, when can I have it, what can I have, how MUCH can I have?  I don’t have to plan today what I want to eat 5 days from now, like another weight loss plan I tried and just couldn’t stick with.   I don’t have an addiction to food that I’ve heard others talk about.  I thought I might, but what I have is actually pure laziness.  Also, at times I allow myself to get so hungry that I just start eating whatever is in sight, or easiest- like that drive thru poison.  That’s part of what makes me so frustrated, I KNOW BETTER.  I just don’t take proper care of myself.   Didn’t.    Am I excited that I’m down?  Hell yeah.  Do I feel more energy, yes indeed. ...

Day 2 Life without sugar and carbs is painful.  Literally. I am not craving ANYTHING as much as sleep, and a release from this crappy feeling. I had hoped because I wasn’t a huge sugar eater in the first place that the withdrawals would be pretty light. I was wrong. I’m drinking water like crazy- and forcing myself to eat every 2-3 hours.  I weighed myself the day before I started this- Wednesday morning- and swallowed hard when I was faced with what I need to lose.  Will lose. Then I went out dancing and drank a beer to celebrate not drinking any more beer for a while. That same day I hit over 11,000 steps on my fitbit which I haven’t done since I started wearing one a couple years ago.  Yay me. Today I weighed myself again because, well, I work in a hospital and the temptation was too great.  I did it three times because I thought the scale was out of wack.  I’d down 3 pounds?  Since Wednesday morning?...

Another blog filled with TMI you've been warned.  I'm sitting at my kitchen table with a glass of wine and brownies baking in the oven.  This is a kind of "going away" party that i'm giving myself.  Wine and brownies won't be passing through these lips for a very long time, if ever again.  okay, not for a very long time. For the past 3 years i have struggled with my weight.  First, i quit smoking, then had an injury, then went through a painful breakup.  Add being miserable at work ...and feeling like my life was flying by and I was not doing what i should be, that there was..more.  I made mistakes.  I fixed them.  And i ate.  I found that i enjoy wine, so i drank.  And ate.  And bought bigger clothes I firmly believe that it was my weight that made my ex cheat and finally break up with me.  Thank you weight.  I believe it was my weight that caused a short term boyfriend to not want sex, ever, causing me to brea...

Here's one of my "trying to figure out what the hell is in my head" blogs.....you are welcome to try and follow it.  Maybe you will have more luck than me. I don't feel good.  Been having stomach problems for a while now, and last night i came home completely drained, unable to stop falling asleep and feeling like i had been drugged.  I was supposed to go to the Buddhist temple where i've been joining a group of people to meditate.  Couldn't do it. So i lay in bed, in and out of sleep, watching stupid youtube videos in between and finding the strangest things hilarious.  Finally, i assume, real sleep hit me and i tossed and turned all night until my phone binged me repeatedly early this morning.  I've joined a challenge to do 50 situps a day.....because i haven't done a situp since elementary school when they MADE us.  Do i need to say that i can't do one?  not one.  So he (my badass friend) gave me a different move to do, to strengthen m...

WE all know that every time I learn a new lesson I have to blog about it.  My kids shouldn’t read this particular blog………fair warning it’s TMI for many but especially you.  I want a relationship.  The whole relationship, the complete package – the kind that takes time to grow into.  I enjoy sex as much as anyone, maybe even more than a lot.  But that’s only a piece, as important as it is. My desired relationship starts with being interested in someone, having it be reciprocal and being asked on a date- remember those?  When the man interested in you would ask you to do an activity with him that didn’t involve “hanging out” or begin and end in his or your home?  Remember when Men would treat you like a woman worth getting to know?  With your clothes on? Am I old fashioned or just attracting the wrong men……(make sure to answer this question MB.) Don’t get me wrong, ...

My problem is my inability to ignore double standards.   Or inconsistencies. Call me pragmatic. Or surly. It doesn’t matter what label is placed on it, the fact remains that I am unable to NOT address unrealistic expectations, or standards that are not held up for all involved to meet. This feeling applies to the workplace, religious organizations, private memberships to clubs or groups, and on a much more intimate level, personal relationships. Everyone should be meeting on a level playing field, where the rules apply to all.   Rules change, and when they do…………they should apply to all.   Rules to me being a standard of behavior. “you are not going to win this battle by fighting it”……….TED Sincerely X podcast, episode 7: mood changer – I highly recommend listening to this episode if you currently or have ever struggled with Depression, which I have and sometimes still do if not dealt with. Sometimes I think my depression is a reaction to th...

My apartment is very small.   When my friends and family moved me in September I had no room to walk.   We piled everything I had been dragging around with me since I was 16, along with everything I felt I needed into this small, one-bedroom apartment.   I left a lot behind.   I had cleared out so much before I had even moved.   More than once. My first “cleanse” began when I moved out of the small house I loved so much.   I threw a lot away, I left all the furniture and half the kitchen items…I tried to be fair.   And realistic.   Of course, I got fucked.   He moved in with his new girl not a month after I moved out and everything got thrown away with the acceptation of the one thing I said I wanted, which migrated it’s way over to the new woman’s home. But it was okay.   For a year I didn’t need anything, having all the necessities and small luxuries provided by my best friend and her family as I licked my wounds, healed my...

Your best friend passed yesterday and I’m going to blame the pain you are in for the phone call and texts I got from you this morning. But I never expected to feel that feeling in my gut again.   That angry man, blaming me for some misfortune in his life feeling.   “Someone” didn’t clean out your dresser drawers, I did.   I cleaned your whole house, with your blessing, hell AT YOUR REQUEST if you want to be honest.   I only did what you gave me license to do and I asked for your participation which you wanted nothing to do with.   So now, every time you can’t find something apparently it will be my fault. Rethink that.   Seriously.   Because right now while I feel for the pain you are in the middle of, I am enraged and hurt that you would speak to me like that.   I feel sick to my stomach and I’d rather do anything than go home tonight. I feel like crying and I don’t know if it’s because I’m hurt or because you are showing yourself t...

When i was in the second grade my Teacher, Mrs. Friedman, called me "Bold".  I remember her face while she said this but not why.  It was not a compliment or meant to encourage.  Without knowing exactly what this meant, I felt the sting. To this day i can't imagine what quiet, scared - fade into the background MB ever could have said or done to be considered "Bold".  I was a shadow girl, never looking to be the center of attention, always afraid of what someone might think of me. As a grown woman, I own my boldness.  I glory in its presence.  Welcome, and may you never leave my side. I've been called "Clutzy" "Chubby" "Awkward" by my mother as i was growing up.  Never "capable" for getting myself ready for school every morning during elementary school with no parent there to assist,  "smart" for reading and understanding everything i could lay my hands on, or  "beautiful"........because i was ...

Will there ever be a time of 100% satisfaction with my life?  If i'm happy with work, my personal life seems lacking.  When my personal life is full and happy, Work is giving me issues.  Is this just the way we go?  Always looking for the next situation that needs improving or expansion? I'm doing the thing that I always thought would be the worst.  Living alone.  The thought always filled me with sadness, a certain desperation that anything would be better than being alone.  And then one day i realized i craved it, instead of fearing it.  I finally started learning instead of trying to assert my will on people to be what i needed and wanted them to be.  I started being the person i need most.  It hasn't been easy.  I'm a tough customer.  In realizing that I needed to have my own space, where i answered to no-one but myself (and the landlord, bill collectors and employer) I literally felt a deep sadness in me release. ...