Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Last night i reached out to a guy i know.  He's not someone i would date.  I'm not someone he would date.  We know this because we have gone out on a date which ended in the understanding that dating was not going to be our thing. wink wink. He's very loud, and off the hook.  And fun.  I'm pretty sure i can't offend him.  For as long as i've known him (years) he doesn't seem to care about much, aside from his dogs.  He loves his dogs. And his bike.  And his club. So there's that. I'm not sure why they hell we have stayed in contact to be honest.  We always answer each others texts?  We flirt even though nothing usually comes of it?  We just like each other? We are both easy for each other?  shrug.   I mean, neither one of us is getting anything out of this relationship.  We rarely actually see each other, we just keep talking to each other.  It's not constant.  It's a "hey, what happened now" kind...

 I am so used to going to different doctors for different ailments now that it's got to be official.....i'm over the hill.  There is a pill for this and a pill for that........and i still can't seem to get a good nights sleep. I do all the things.  and yet i still toss and turn and reach out. I thought of a thing i miss.  I miss that presence in the bed next to me.  i miss being able to reach out and touch another human and know that i am safe.  Or curl up against a back, or touch feet.  even for a moment.  That was very calming. Sometimes it wasn't.  Sometimes it was being sworn at in the middle of the night too.  Can't forget that part even if it's convenient. Now.......i literally can't stand sleeping with a man next to me.  I did sleep well with Mr. Tatto, but he kept to his side of a king size bed and never seemed to move a muscle unless it was to reach out and touch me. I've had other men in my bed, and couldn't wait for them ...

 Yesterday i posted a video on FB that showed a grown man losing his shit on a 14 year old kid on a dirt bike.  The grown man assaulted the kid.   I was mortified.  I reposted it because i was mortified.  Who thinks they have the right to put their hands on a neighborhood kid?  And this guy was full of the word fuck fuck fuck........also, he's a pastor. enough said. One of my male friends commented and pretty much shamed me for sharing negativity.  I think he meant well........but fuck you buddy. Number one: don't tell me what to do or don't do.  EVER.  I will ask you if i need advice.   Number two: My page.  don't like it? go away. Number three: Why do you feel so comfortable telling me what i "need".  I "NEED" everyone to see the guys face and what a hypocrite he is.  People in his community think he's a good guy because he's a pastor and he is NOT.  Then, this morning i'm listening to the news.  I ho...

 Do you start your day off with all the things you don't want to do rolling in your head?  Starting with getting out of your cozy bed and onto the liar scale before you hit the shower you will then not want to get out of? I don't do that anymore. I wake up and get out of bed grateful that i'm needed somewhere.  Or on the weekend i wake up and think i can enjoy a leisurely coffee in the quiet before the day starts rolling.  I am sleepy.  I am warm and comfy but i get to come back to that later. While i'm in the shower i tell myself how grateful i am for having a job i love going to, for a man i highly respect for an institution i can stand behind. I get paid alright. I have outstanding health benefits. I sit in a beautiful office that i share with VIP.    I mean, i'm a little fancy. I sometimes wonder when they are going to figure out they made a mistake hiring me.  Or when i'm going to hit the wall on how much more i can learn. But then i remind m...

 Nothing feels as good as coming home after being away all weekend.  I went places, i saw people and i did things.  I'm exhausted. And content. I don't feel any anger over dragging my stuff back into the house and cleaning the cat box, taking out the garbage and opening a window for a bit of fresh air while i unpack and put stuff away.  Because i'm doing it for myself, just myself.  There's no one dumping me off at the house and taking off to go see his friends leaving me with all the chores. It's just me. I pack for one and 1/2 (my 5 lb dog) and i go.  Where i want.  When i want.  And i come home when i want.  Alone isn't always a bad thing.  I drove home and listened to my audio book without having anyone be mad at me for whatever reason, without anyone telling me his friends didn't like me because HE had a temper tantrum.  Without anyone driving like someone with a deathwish while i was in the car with him..... I'll drive anywher...

 Tuesday i came in to work after wrestling with the sheet of ice that covered my car, and i had a sniffly nose.  I figured, being outside with work clothes and no hat on when the temp was 1 degree was probably the reason why. By the time i got my coat off and got a cup of coffee, i was sneezing, and sniffling and discovered i also had a headache and a sore throat. I'll ignore it.  It will go away. Except it got worse. When you work in healthcare, you can't sit at your desk wheezing and sneezing.....people freak out.  They give you sidelong glances..........so i tried to take a covid test to soothe the natives.  Believe me when i say i had to leave work, go to CVS, GO INSIDE, because they wouldn't sell it to me through the drive through even though i also picked up my prescriptions.....go home, and take the damn test. I work in a hospital.  Next time i'm throwing down.  When you feel like shit thats a lot.   No covid. Take nyquil go to bed, sl...

 Anyone else glued to the TV today?  The inauguration of Donald J. Trump.   Yesterday TikTok was back online, supposedly due to Trump (although he was the one that originally wanted it gone).....interesting. I'm not political.  I can't be because i don't know enough about it.  I can make judgements on what i see on television, but thats a soap opera, not news.  So no, i won't be making opinions on what is shown to me on the television. AI.  They can show us anything they want to.  What is real?  What they say is real. Prices are going to go down?   Housing will become more affordable? At what cost elsewhere? Because everyone knows, you don't get something for nothing. That.  I know. So i will watch today to see how the "news" handles this day.  And i will enjoy this day off thanks to Martin Luther King, and tomorrow, i will go back to my life.  In the big picture, the macrocosm of this life, it won't matter what ...

 Coffee. This morning I woke up and stepped on the scale.  It's working.  I have found my problem, which is snacking at night.  No matter what i snack on, it keeps me from losing.  So.....no more snacking at night.  This is going to be a hurdle.  For some reason, night is when i want food.  I can go all day and be fine, and then....... I don't keep bad stuff in the house.  For this very reason.  And when i do have anything i know damn well i shouldn't eat, it's gone within days.  I'm not normal.  I have to have it all.  i'm not content with just a little once in a while. So.  Mystery solved.  Battle on. I walked into my kitchen and started my coffee.  Looked in the fridge to see what was in there that needed to be thrown out, due to my revelation.  Nothing.  The fridge is bare bones.  There is a case of beer that has been in there for a year now.  Does beer go bad?  I have a few trul...

Last night i lost my cell phone for a few hours. I could have called it, but the ringer was silent.  I don't like my personal cell phone interrupting me at work during the day.  I chose when to look at it.  The only numbers that ring through are my kids.  I am always available to them no matter the time or place.  So when you have 50 things on your mind and you casually put your cell phone in your bathrobe (which you are wandering around the house in) you will forget its there when you have a hot flash, remove your robe and throw it somewhere.  I lost my mind for a about 1/2 an hour and then figured i was probably looking right at it and wouldn't see it because my head was so scattered. Whats the worst thing that could happen?  My kids can still call, and then i'd find the phone.........or, i'd have to have an evening without my cell phone.  I knew the alarm would go off in the morning..i'd find it then.   It was lovely.  And i prom...

 This is the year. I'm gonna find him, he's gonna find me, or i'm gonna live the rest of my life knowing I tried, but i'm single and happy.  I don't want to look back with regret that i didn't try to find him.  I want to be comfortable with the fact that i gave it a good amount of time, and effort and it just wasn't meant to be.  Then i can just live my happy life and not wonder anymore. With that said, 52 first dates is a lot to accomplish in one year.  And it will definetly become tedius and no longer fun. SO, while i'll be documenting the whole thing here.......i'm also collecting other peoples stories of "horrible first dates" over 50.  I've joined a few carefully selected groups (lots of root members) and i'll be asking for submissions occasionally.  For the next year i will be collecting stories, and attempting to date frequently while i live my "normal" life as well.  This time next year, i'll see what i've ...

 okay, so far i haven't secured a date for the third week in January.  Damn it.  I cannot break my streak. I have made this my part time job.  I plan on succeeding. It amazes me how wishy washy so many men on the dating sites are.  I'm not back up girl.  Ask me out and meet me or GTFO. If he doesn't have time to meet, he doesn't have time to date.  And if he does have time and he isn't making it? He's not interested.  Delete. Can I say I'm interested in any one of these men?  No.  I haven't met them.  I'm putting myself out there to find out.  The hardest lesson was not wasting time "getting to know" these men and when you finally meet it's a definite no.  Just get out there. Stop being a weenie. THIS is dating for me in 2025.  I don't want to hear your history, your job, your interests.......I don't care.  Tell me when we are sitting face to face.  Then I might care. People are scared.  Everyone is bea...

I still remember this song from the Mel Brooks movie Young Frankenstein.  Isn't it strange the things that stick in your head and never go away? That movie is one.  Mel Brooks movies in general.  I think I must have been at that very impressionable age when they were popular.  I know I was too young to be watching them, but that I did.  I didn't understand half the humor, but the fact that these were movies for "adults" made them attractive to me. The movie "High Anxiety" with the nurse who had a secret bondage closet.  Wowza.  What was THAT?  I thought it was funny but I knew there was more to it than I was understanding. Wide eyes. The Pink Panther movies.......I waited the ENTIRE movie for the Pink Panther to return and was SO BORED with everything aside from Kato.  My parents thought that was hysterical.  No one explained to me that this was not the cartoon version of Pink Panther. WTF.  I was so mad. When my kids were growing u...

I am taking today to really look inside and check on myself.  Do i reject men that are interested in me and show me?  Or are they really just nuts? Mr. Racecar seemed SO even keel, so busy with his life and interests...so normal.  Even through most of the night he was funny, entertaining, talkative.  BUT (i'm me, so of course i was ticking off a red flag list) He interrupted me constantly.  He was more interested in telling me about himself than learning anything about me. He was very touchy. Now.....some touchiness is acceptable because it shows interest.  But i've been on dates where it's mutual and natural. This didn't feel like that.   This man can DRINK.  Not that i didn't expect that in a way, we sat there talking for 4 hours.  I had two drinks, with double shots, and he had a LOT more.   So i became very aware. Nothing is less fun than dealing with a drunk man who is full of himself at the end of the night. Although even...

 Second weekend in January, second first date of the year. I'm about to leave to go meet Mr. Racecar.  We are meeting at a pub (all i requested was relaxed, and quiet where they wouldn't kick us out for staying too long).  If we hit it off we will head to the casino. I'm excited.  I know.  Don't put the cart before the horse.  But so far, i like talking to him.  He's new but familiar in a lot of ways.  The car stuff.  Thats the kind of thing i'm used to. comfortable with.  It's the kind of men i'm comfortable with. God knows i've spent enough time in garages. Maybe this time i'll get to be at the racing track WITH the racer.   Wish me luck.  I'd hate to have to have 50 more first dates this year. 

Maybe i'm learning not to be so extreme.  You know, with the dating stuff.  Take it as it comes, have fun for as long as it is fun and then i guess the long term hope is that it turns into more.   I know what it feels like, to want to grow with that person to feel excitement when you get to see them, to find yourself planning adventures you want to go on with them.  I know what it feels like when that person shares those feelings, and when they do not. I needed to learn how to let go of what didn't serve my peace, my growth, my happiness.  What a lesson.  LESSONS.  I have no doubt i will learn more.  But reflection, understanding that more than half of what i blamed on others behaviors where MY responsibility, my own failure to not do what was best for me. Because i never felt like i deserved anything good to happen to me.  To this day, I catch myself questioning "what do i bring to the table" "what makes me valuable to someone else" "wh...

 I admit it.  I am a little bit excited about meeting Mr. Racecar.   He's younger- 53 He's taller, and bigger than me He has tats, bald head and long beard He builds cars/trucks and drag races - own his shop which is attached to his home.  ONE is a Camaro.  It sounds NASTY. He lives an hour away Now......here's what happens in my head:  What the hell could this man possibly see in me?  Why would he want to meet me?  He- owns a Harley but hasn't ridden it in a few years due to a car accident that left him unable to walk again until recently. He is a typical male in that some of his talk tries to lead me down the "lets talk about sex, baby, lets talk about you and me" side of things, which I have successfully diverted without him losing interest. I'm looking to date, to find the man I want to have a relationship with, not a situationship. And then I had to explain what a situationship is because he has only just started dating again, and he is ...

I sometimes miss humping.   But then I get over it. To be a young girl again.....so excited to have him hold your hand, put his arm around you....will he kiss me?   And now.........he better not EVEN try to kiss me.  I give off the biggest FUCK OFF energy at the end of the evening while standing at my car.  I can't help it.  These poor men.  I'm not sorry.  Thanks life. But I'm out here, doing the thing, meeting the men.  Sit and listen to them talk about themselves, let them tell me I'm pretty (I didn't ask) buy me a drink and tell me "get whatever you want" like I should jump up and down with excitement because I get to choose my own drink?   What have men become?  What have I become? Last spring I got whisked off my feet on a first date.  From the moment I sat down we bantered easily, teased each other, kept "accidentally" touching each other.  It wasn't forced, it wasn't creepy, it was completely natural....

 Take 2 weeks off from your job and then come back.  See what happens on that first day.  I think I forgot to get coffee, pee, eat....I just DID at high speed from the minute I walked in. It was an awesome day. And now I've created some more work for myself which will actually end up saving me work in the long run....so there's that. Yesterday, I talked about my female friends, and today, on the way to work, I was thinking about my male friends.  The ones who walk slower with me because they know I'm a poke, the ones who open doors and make sure I have a drink in hand at all times.  The ones who feed me, cook with me, talk with me from the male perspective.  The ones who check in on me, make sure I'm good when the weather is bad or they know I've been feeling blue.  Not the ones who reach out and ask me if I need to get laid.  Seriously? I kind of wish I could just erase those men.  I've tried.  I've ignored, blocked, told them I'm not i...

A few years ago I went on a weekend trip with my daughter, my grandaughter, my friend and her grandson. A takeaway from that trip was how easy it was.  It was a kid focused trip and everything got taken care of without any of us (the adults) having to ask for it to be done, or ask for help.  We just worked in synch- knowing what needed to happen next and doing it.  Together.   We even found time to have adult beverages and conversations once the littles went to bed. I've been on many trips with men during my lifetime with and without children.  I'm not saying i didn't enjoy those trips......just that they were very different and a lot more work for me.   Yesterday I spent the day with one of my girlfriends who i don't get to see very often.  She planned the day and i met her at her house.  We took a long lovely ride through gorgeous parts of Connecticut.  We caught up on whats been going on in our lives while we salivated over homes...

 This summer i learned a really big lesson.  I learned that i CAN have feelings for a man when I thought I never would again. Unfortunately for me, he did not return those feelings. His loss. Seriously.  I have talked to a lot of men, gone on a lot of dates, and i hear the same stories over and over.  It's not just us women that are struggling with dating in our 50's.   I know i'm a catch.  I'm not a supermodel, but these men don't have supermodel wallets.  I'm not high maintenance but i take care of myself.  I am happy with small thoughtful genuine gestures more than grand gestures.  I'm loyal, honest, and faithful.  I'm a free spirit that prefers to laugh over being angry AND if i do get angry it never lasts long.  I just need time to myself. I don't care if i ever get married again.  I'm not looking for a man to take care of me financially.  I just want to be loved by the man i love. What. A. Concept. I can't speak...

 One thing i used to love doing with a partner was to get in the car and just go somewhere random on a nice day.  See where the road took us.  Find somewhere new to us. So today, i did it even though I did it alone. And i still had a nice time. My morning started off with me trying to figure out what i wanted to do with my last day off from work.  I was scrolling through TikTok and I follow a woman who goes to all the thrift stores in New England.  Today I watched her pick up food she had ordered from an app called "Too good to go".  Participating restaurants put together goodie bags, mostly day old food or leftovers, and sell them at drastically reduced prices.  You have no idea what you are getting.  It's a risk.  It's an adventure.  So I downloaded and opened the app to see what was available within a reasonable distance from me and ordered TWO goodie bags......one from two different places in the same town. Then i took a shower like ...

 It doesn't feel any different, 2025.  I don't feel any older. But it is different, and i am older.  Hello 57.  I'm glad to meet you. We are going to have a great year. I've taken the time to be purposely alone and not only have i survived it with no injuries, i've actually enjoyed it.   When I give myself time to stand back, feeling no need to act immediately, no sense of urgency.....when i can just view peoples actions with no perceived outcomes, no projections, just open eyes and ears.....without my own colors changing the way I think people feel......life is easier. Let people do their thing.  They always show you who they are without your input.  You don't even need to ask questions.  They only share what they want to anyway. I don't need any more than what i have.  I don't want any more than what i need.   Who I am and what I have, what my dreams are.....that's only for me to judge.  I put myself out on a platter for...