I don't need you

It was a summer night and i had just walked out of a bar that has long since closed in a town i eventually grew to love.  It was a first kiss that came out of nowhere from a man who drove an El Camino.  I was there with a friend we had in common, yes to meet him.  I was out of practice, having been with my husband for 20 years.  I felt seen by this tall, lean, long haired, tattooed man with the dark eyes and thick lashes..... wanted, desired.  The way he wouldn't stop staring at me, the quietness of him, the nearness...he was the distraction i was looking for. Training wheels. 

At the end of the night i followed him out of the parking lot, him leading me to the main road (before GPS) this song came on the radio.  We both stopped at the red light where i would go one way and he would go the other.  He jumped out of his car, ran back to mine and gave me another kiss through the open window.  We parted ways and we should have left it at that. 

This song will always make me remember when I had an open heart, hope, when fear of rejection, or of not being wanted by a man wasn't something i had learned yet.   He came to me when i needed that...but i didn't need him.  

I don't need anyone.

Ain't no need to worry

There ain't no use to cry
'Cause I'll be comin' home soon
To keep you satisfied

You know I get so lonely
That I feel I can't go on
And it feels so good inside, babe
Just to call you on the telephone
And I said

Ooh, baby, I love you
What more can I say
Ooh, baby, I need you
I miss you more everyday

I woke up early this mornin'
And sun came shining down
And it found me wishin' and a-hoping
Mama, you could be around

Well, you know I need you
More than the air I breathe
And I guess I'm just tryin' to tell you, woman
Oh, what you mean to me, yeah, yeah

Ooh, baby, I love you
What more can I say
Ooh, baby, I need you
I miss you more everyday
What I say

I'm tryin' to tell you I love you
In each and every way
I'm tryin' to tell you I need you
Much more than just a piece of leg

Ooh, baby, I love you
What more can I say
Ooh, baby, I need you
I miss you more everyday

Ooh, baby I love, love, love, love you
What more can I say, yeah
Ooh, baby I need your sweet lovin'
I miss you more and more everyday, yeah

Ooh, baby, I love you
Baby, baby, I need you

depressing don't bother reading

 Working out some crappy memories that seem to be popping up a lot lately.

Social media kills me on days like today, Mother's Day.  Everyone posting homage to their mothers, and mothers posting pictures of all the things their offspring planned for them on this special day.

I know most of it is bullshit.  But it still makes me feel like shit.  

I don't know if my own mother is even still alive, and no, i don't care either way.  That sounds callous, heartless, mean........and that's what happens when a mother throws her barefoot and half-dressed 16-year-old daughter out of the house on a cold November day.  She told "our" family (my grandparents, aunts, uncles etc) that I ran away.  

Even when I was a little kid I knew enough to wear shoes and pack a bag.  

But everyone believed her, and when I called them, they told me to "go home"....however, she wouldn't let me.  

She was divorced from the man who gave me his name, legally adopted me as his own because he chose me to be his.  She had a 16-year-old daughter and a 4-year-old daughter, and she was dating.....working on marriage number 3 probably, (she's been married at least 5 times that i am aware of).  She had me at 19 and never bonded with me, never wanted me.  I grew up with her telling me I was a reflection of her and that I embarrassed and disappointed her.  Thats the tip of the iceberg.  I was clumsy, fat, ugly, stupid...and the only time she took notice of me is when someone else did.  I grew up being most comfortable hiding behind furniture "forts" reading books when i had to be home.  Otherwise, I was out in the neighborhood until all the other kids had to go home.  I've been thinking about this a lot today, on mother's day, and I haven't really dove into it for years.  What good does it do?

I remember holidays where my younger sister was celebrated and i was virtually forgotten.  I was 11 years old when she was born and holidays were over for me.  I remember the feeling.  Back then  there was no social media to compare my life to, but all the kids would come back from holiday breaks with new clothes, games, toys, stories about trips........One year, my grandmother took me school shopping for clothes and bought me everything i wanted.  I remember feeling so excited that i would go back to school dressed like the other kids.  As soon as my grandmother went back to Florida, my mother returned all the clothes.  She didn't tell me not to tell my grandmother (like she did when her family would give me money in birthday cards or christmas cards i got in the mail and she would take it) so i told my grandmother and there was a huge fight and i got my ass beat for it.

Hugs?  I love you's?  time spent with my mother?  No.  We did everything possible to stay away from each other - my grandparents would take me every summer, my father would have me at his shop on the weekends, and I have not ONE memory of her being kind or loving.  It was like having a hateful older sister that was jealous of me.   She'd pull my hair, slap me, pinch me.....but never enough that my father would notice.  I hated her breath.  Swore i'd never drink coffee because her's always stank of it.  (I do though, i certainly do)

When she threw me out (literally) that day, and locked the door behind me - she never admitted it to anyone.  Social Services knew, and the police department knew, because when she wouldn't let me return home they were there so i could get my clothes...she stayed upstairs while i packed what she hadn't ransacked into two boxes and put into the back of the social workers car.  Back then throw away children were not as common and no-one really knew what to do with me because i wasn't on drugs, in trouble, or ...pregnant.  If i had been, there would have been places for me.  But i wasn't.  

I couldn't go live with my father, who was drinking heavily and had several of his friends living at the house to pay the bills (and live the bachelor life).  What he DID do was pay me the child support that was going to my mother for me and supplement whatever i needed while i stayed with my future in-laws.

Yes, I ended up living with my highschool boyfriends family and that is it's own story of me being a charity case and babysitter for their son.  They treated me well, but i always knew my place with them depended on being with their son.  I acclimated.  I was 16.  

I can count myself lucky that my live wasn't worse than it was - It could have turned out a lot worse than it did.  There were people that helped me in their way.  However, my mother, she did a number on my Self.  I mean, if your own mother doesn't want you..........

And now i'm at the other end of life.  I raised my own children through nothing but strife in the best way i knew how with literally no one to advise me.  I thought if i did everything the exact opposite of what my own mother did, show them affection, tell them i love them, support their choices, treat them like people and not property......that what i wanted for them didn't matter, and that i didn't matter ....well, it all came full circle.

My kids are both independent, living their lives and have no need of me.  They are doing better than i ever did at their age.  They struggled with me and they learned how not to be.  I'm proud of them, because they can and do what needs to be done.  They have given themselves a better life than they had with me.  That brings me peace to know that they don't "need" me.   

I really wish they wanted to spend time with me.  If i called (and called and called) and said i needed them, or needed something i know they would make it happen.  I know they would never leave me on the street, or in need. So is it selfish to just want them to want me to be around?  Is it selfish to want to be remembered on a day like today?  Or any holiday?  I keep asking myself if i was a horrible mother.  All i ever wanted was my mother to see me, to love me.  And i gave that to them.  I can't help but wonder what they wanted from me that i didn't give them.  

uncomfortable as Fuck

 Last blog was about being able to sit with my discomfort.

Well i have and i've proven i can and now I'm all set with that shit.  Thank you very much.

Also i've learned a very important lesson that i have been fighting against all my adult life.  DO NOT SLEEP WITH A MAN you are interested in as relationship material until you are in fact, in a relationship.

I know, i know.  "we aren't kids".....blah blah blah.  No.  I'm not a kid.  I'm a grown up and i need to protect myself better from the bullshit.  I like sex, i'm goddamn good at it too but only someone who IS IN A RELATIONSHIP with me is getting access to that part of me.  This go around, this bonding with a man who wasn't ready for a relationship, never mind with ME, has sent me through a loop.  I got bonded to him, i sure as hell did.  And he did not get bonded to me.  And now, i'm fucked. 

I knew he checked all the boxes AND is handsome as hell AND has a great sense of humor AND all the things that make me wild.  The bad boy look with the mushy insides and ......smart.  shudder.  I knew i was in trouble and i paid no attention.  BAD GIRL.  

Can you fall in love at first sight?  No.  I don't think so.  But i think the possibility gets stirred up and as you get to know each other you add or subtract.  I was busy adding and he was.......not.  Rule number one (and i reallllly hate rules) is do not date emotionally unavailable men.  Just do not.  It's not a commentary on if they are good or bad........it just means you are going to spend a lot of time trying to prove yourself when you can't.  When you shouldn't have to.  You can't fix it.  It's not your issue, but YOU will be the one paying the price.  So don't do it.  If he is that wonderful he will work on his own issues and get available emotionally.  Or he won't.  That is entirely up to him.  If you are empathetic, as i am, you will fight yourself, you will pledge to "be there" for a man that doesn't want or need you there.  Just don't.  Save yourself. 

So thats two rules that i had to learn not to break.   Do i regret the hurt feelings and literal pain in my chest, the tears i haven't cried for a man in years.........no.  I don't.  I wouldn't give the time back if I could.  I'm glad i met him, i'm glad we spent the time together we did and i have a few good memories.

Will i remember that he let me down very courteously and allowed me to keep my pride in tact?  Or will i remember one particular night where little sleep was had and the next day he begin the rapid withdrawal into himself and away from me.  Probably the latter.   

Tomorrow i'll get up and be relieved that i know it's not going anywhere and i can go back to my manless stress free happy life. And the next time a friend says "hey i know a guy" i'm going to laugh my ass off.  

Let him come to me then.  Because this woman, has handed in her balls.  

Oops i did it again

 I've been making little notations in my bullet journal lately - trying to give myself little reminders of supportive statements, compliments, happy things that happen to me each day.  So peppered within my list of books I want to read next, movies i want to keep an eye out for, small goals to reach and reminders, I have little drops of positivity.

Because i need to remind myself sometimes, that life is good.  Just because everything isn't my way doesn't make it not good. 

A goal i have currently is to learn how to sit with discomfort.  I don't have to fix something immediately that will eventually work itself out naturally.  Just be uncomfortable.  It won't kill me.  

I haven't perfected it.  Not by a longshot.  But in fairness, it's a new concept for me.  A new goal.  I've pretty much gone 56 years of my life avoiding discomfort.  And THAT has landed me in the shit over and over again.  Old dogs can, in fact, learn new tricks and i'm going to prove it to myself.

I met someone.  I wasn't looking.  Well, i was dating when asked out, but i wasn't cruising the dating sites, or forcing myself to interact with strangers.  Going out on a date for me, is like pulling a tooth. For fuck sakes i'm so sick of meeting new men and not feeling a thing.  Or looking at them talking to me and wondering when i can go home.  Or having to flat out tell them, no, i don't want to smack lips with you in a fucking parking lot.  That is literally the last place i want to get kissed....

off topic....

A couple of weeks ago a girlfriend contacted me and said "hey, i think you might like this guy" in more words than that......and I, being me, reached out to him and tattled on her for being a match maker.  We had a short convo and that was that.  No biggie, it was a haha moment and over.

Until the next day when he reached out to me.  And we started talking.  My girlfriend said i "had balls" to reach out to a total stranger and he said the same damn thing!  It's not balls.  It's a lack of patience.  It's a lack of caring what other people think.  He is handsome.  Came with a recommendation (how often does THAT happen) so i took my shot.  And we decided to meet.

I've gone on a lot of dates.  a LOT of dates.  I've been asked out for a second about 90% of the time and i've actually gone out for a second time about 20% of the time.  Having it turn into anything has happened 2% of the time over the past 2 years.  And those did not last long.  And it was because i picked wrong.  I'm sure there is someone out there for each of those men, but it wasn't me.  Nobody likes hearing it, but it's kinder to say it when you know it to be true.  I don't drag anyone along.  Its not because i'm a good person it's because once i know, i can't stand to be around them anymore.  Truth.  I feel horrible about that, but it is what it is.  When i see the reason we aren't going to work, i'm done.

off topic again......

When i walked into the restaurant he turned and saw me and smiled.  I felt my insides go mushy.  Just like that.  I sat next to him at the bar and throughout our date i found myself touching him, (WHAT THE FUCK MB) and giggling uncontrollably ....like a moron.  Like i was drunk, but i wasnt.  I was giddy.  I leaned in to say something in his ear, got a whiff of his scent and .....starting wondering if he would PLEASE kiss me in the parking lot.  I don't want to describe him, because thats not the point to this blog.  The point is, I didn't feel like me.  He is not my first handsome man.  I have never swooned.  NEVER.  This is gonna end badly for me.

The last time i lost my head over a man I ended up in a 13 year relationship that was supposed to be a distraction.  Swoony is not a good thing for this woman.  ALARM ALARM ALARM....which of course, i promptly ignored.

It feels good to feel so good with someone.  To see a text from him and feel that happy shot, to hear his ring tone and dive for the phone to hear his voice.   It feels amazing to lay in  the arms of a man I feel completely safe with and just breathe in a way I haven't for many years.  To catch his eye and feel warm inside, speechless.  

We talked/texted every day.  We spent hours on end together.  And then he withdrew, slowly, not without warning...but withdrew.  He has his reasons.  I don't think i was understanding that we weren't going to be communicating, or seeing each other ........again?  or for an undetermined amount of time?  I thought i understood his words, but i misinterpreted.  I thought i was going to be part of the process......because we were in the beginning of getting to know each other... and it was good.  It has nothing to do with me, or if we were "a match", so........i guess i didn't understand.

I have an anxious attachment style, so i've learned.  And that's if i feel attached which is never.  Mostly i'm annoyed by men that try to get close.  Defense?  possibly.  However, my attachment style which was dormant, is now alive and well.  Thanks mom and dad.  Thanks for abandoning me and giving me a lifelong complex of fuckedupedness with which to chase all the good men away with.  

I tried to reign it in. Step back, give space, don't take it personally. Let him know i'm here, I care, I want to support him..........but no, instead all the crazy comes out and i start having panic attacks.  literally.  On the phone with my bestie, one minute fine, the next minute crying.  Crying at the drop of a hat.  And then i go looking for reassurance from him, someone who can't give it to me right now.  He's not in a place to handle my crazy.  And then i feel like a complete asshole.

Do i need to know immediately if we are going to be a thing?  No.  But yes.  Because i can't sit with being uncomfortable.  I need reassurance that it's not me that is keeping him away from me.  And there it is, the problem.  Because that isn't his cross to bear and is the exact opposite of what he truly does need in a partner. ( I'm being vague because his business is not mine to tell.)

I'm always complaining about instant relationships and men that can't leave me alone and are always up my ass sucking up my me time.....then i meet him and i'm the one that is a pest.  Life makes no sense.

This is what i'm experiencing now.  Complete chaos in my head because these feeling are alien to me and i never  thought i'd be so needy of one mans attention ever again.  And i mean EVER again.  I think about him, wonder if he is okay, want to do anything to help easy his pain.........and we barely know each other when it comes down to it.

I saw myself escalating and pulled back.  I don't know this space, its new to me.  To pull away from someone i have started to care for feels wrong.  I don't know what to do, so instead of harassing him with texts that go unanswered now.........i am just here doing nothing.

He isn't the kind to Ghost.  He is a good, decent man. I believe everything he has told me and that in itself unheard of for me.  I trust him. So i will sit in my discomfort, and i will question my sanity, and i will be patient and hope that someday it works out for us.  That's what i needed to come around to.  I have to be okay with possibly being a dumbass that gets played, because i think he is worth getting to know much better.   Maybe i'm an idiot.  Or maybe life isn't easy and shit happens and people aren't perfect.  Maybe that.  

yeah.

 “Oh, f**k me side-sally. Who the hell’d want to read about all this horsesh*t anyway?”

FAFAFA FACEBOOK MEMORIES

 I’ve been sad the past few days.  Damn Facebook and it’s “memories”. 

Most of the time I kind of snicker and shake my head at what a complete idiot I was, purposely blind, blissfully ignorant.  But my traitor heart doesn’t listen to my intellect or the lessons I’ve learned in life.  It feels what it feels, and it defies all logic.

Good thing I don’t make decisions by listening to my heart, no matter what Roxette says.

I’m in my head a lot, and that will never change but I firmly believe that is what has kept me going when I wanted to give in and quit.  Not life, just the living of it.  I’m too stubborn and spiteful to ever give anyone the satisfaction of not being here on this earth.  But my will……..sometimes it needs a rest.

Thoughts can be poison so here I am, ready to spew.  All the karma I could have ever wished to see came around.  The man who played me, destroyed the life I loved, left me and never looked back?  He got everything he deserved.  Does it make me happy?  Nope.  And that seriously pisses me off.

It dragged up petty and spiteful thoughts, a small child stamping its foot in my head screaming “ITS NOT FAIR”.  He put me through all that and then……it wasn’t even successful.  What an asshole.  

This morning a friend we had in common kept interrupting my thoughts.  Finally, because these thoughts were so intrusive and persistent, I asked out loud “What the fuck Heather, What???”  I swear, I heard her laughing.  Her body has been silent for years, but she still lives large in memories when she wants to.

I don’t have the phone we used to text back and forth on anymore.  I lost a lot of pictures on that phone as well.  It was an instrument of pain and memories so I literally chucked it.  No such thing as a “cloud” to me at that time, so the memories are all still there, but not the proof of them.  So I went to my next source of history, FACEBOOK.  Conversations live there forever.  I read our interactions, her truths, her support, the love she showed me when she didn’t have to.  I cried as I read. Because I didn’t listen to her or any of my other friends who tried so hard to save me from myself.  To save me from him.

I had an evil thought of sharing parts of those conversations but they are dear to me and not for anyone else.  And she isn’t here to speak for herself or what she said.  It’s between us alone now.

She had tried to set me up with a close friend of hers after my relationship imploded.  I know I reached out, I know we chatted, but I know I wasn’t ready for any kind of expectations or projections in a romantic way.  The idea of caring for anyone was terrifying so I closed off the possibility of it ever happening. 

I dated like a crazy person, reminds me of bowling balls……..me charging at men and knocking them out of my path as I headed full speed into a dark hole of regret.  Rest while new men lined up neatly only for me to return to the beginning and do it all over again.  Some stood longer than others. 

Because I am a curious person and one that likes to stick my tongue up against canker sores frequently and hard………….I peeked at her friend's Facebook page.  He has passed.  She is gone.  He is gone.  And I am still here.  Life makes no sense. 

Life moves on and the cliché’s that describe it are truths.  You only live once, you never know when it will end, appreciate the people you love, live your dreams, don’t hold back, don’t be afraid to love.

But I am. 

Single means no one can hurt me like that again.  Independent means no disappointment when someone's word means nothing.  Freedom means I do what I want, when I want, how I want.  Alone.

I felt the need to work this out here.  And it makes sense to me, if not to you.  But thank you for the company. xoxo

March 27, 2004

 Looks like March 27th 2004 was a big day for me.  I had 3 blog entries which i will now read to myself and try not to reach out into the past and slap my dumb face.

Entry #1 where i talk about painting my kitchen (at the time i was living in Old Saybrook and had moved into an apartment "as is") I talk about me calling D and him being cranky and snapping my head off. Then i got a text at 1am from his brother.  hmmmmm.   It says his brother then called me and we talked and he made me laugh and i asked myself "what is wrong with this picture?"

 HONEY.

The second entry is me complaining that it shouldn't be his brother calling me, making me laugh and putting a smile on my face.  It should be D. Who doesn't seem to give a care.  I ask myself, am i thinking about this too much....I talk about how D constantly tells me what he's going to do and never actually does it.  How when i point out that he cancels on me quite a bit he turns it around on me, getting angry and calling me unreasonable.  

Third entry! 

"I know i need to protect myself because i see major hurts coming down the pike.  If he can't keep his word to me, i need to be able to disconnect."

What the actual fuck was i waiting for?  A blast of lightening?  A boulder to land on my head?  A train to hit me?   This mantra began in 2004.  To say i was slow is an understatement.

I saw all the signs, i IDENTIFIED the behavior, that it was wrong for me.......and yet, i continued on. Trying to make "the right man at the wrong time" something he never was.  

What would i say to myself if I had the chance to go back in time and talk to me?  What could i say that my closest friends weren't already saying?  Leave him.  Move on.  He's not the one and he will never make you happy.  I heard it all.  And promptly ignored it.

But why?

This is what i struggle with to this day.  Years later i have become the exact opposite.  If a man looks at me or speaks to me in a cranky way, i'm done.  If he cancels a date, i'm done.  If he does ANY LITTLE thing that reminds me of my ex........i'm done.  Cold, hard , fast.....dead to me.  Keep it moving. 

I can't say that is an improvement, it's just a change.  Another reaction instead of an action.

But how do i stop?  Maybe it's by actually using my words and listening to his without the weight of my baggage hanging over my arm.  Maybe when a man shows interest in me, makes me laugh and wants to actually spend time with me (outside of bed) it's because i'm likeable.  And maybe my mental status shouldn't rely so heavily on what anyone, family, friend or man thinks of me or what i'm doing or not doing.  Maybe my validation needs to come from me.  The one living my life.

It's a thought.