hello, is it me you're looking for?

 I forgot what i nicknamed this guy when i went on a few dates with him over the summer....I know I thought he was flakey, and that there was a lot going on in the background.  He could never make an actual date, everything was very last minute and contingent on a lot of things......I lost interest quickly.

Blonde hair, nice bike, house....all the trappings.  He's back, insistantly back.  I'm talking with him, but not expecting much by way of actually dating.  He said his medication made him inconsistent while he was seeing me and he didn't want to say that.  

Everyone is on medication for depression and anxiety.  What does that tell you?

I hit him with some direct questions, one of them being "whats changed that you think it will work this time?"  and that was the answer i got.  

I get the sneaking suspicion he is looking for someone to share the mortgage with.  Am i cynical?  perhaps.  But it's on my radar.

So lets see how that develops.  

Tonight i have dinner with Mr. Jersey.  I'm looking forward to meeting him in person, finally.  He is staying at a hotel in town so there's no rush.  It will be nice to go out and have good conversation with a good looking and pulled together male.  

Don't get me wrong, i date good looking guys all the time.  Mr. Jersey just has a nice sense of fashion and exudes sexuality without being too much.  This is going to be fun.

Friday i go to see Mr. Muscian play acoustic ...he invited me to go and i am.  Lets see if i get the same attention i got Saturday night when i was with a bunch of hot ladies.  I don't know why i'm going, other than to get out of the house.  His situation is not dateable.  

Not bad for an old lady.  Three men lined up and only one is actually dateable, and even that is questionable.  I'm keeping an open mind.  At our age we've been through stuff.  

One is the lonliest number that you'll ever see. 

Who am I?

 Tomorrow after work i'm meeting a man i've been talking to for a while online.  He's an influencer that i connected with over thrifting of all things.  Then music, and on and on.

That, AND he is attractive.  Irish.  Tats. Red head........I know, I know.  

He' a jersey guy so not incredibly far, but far enough.  Flirtatious, yes.  He travels a lot for his job and he likes to meet people.  We enjoy talking to each other so when he asked if i was available on Wednesday, i agreed to meet up with him for dinner.

I started out this year with the plan to have 52 first dates, or until i meet the love of my life.  I realize that this is a huge endevour and takes a LOT of time.  Its made me realize i don't have that kind of time and if I DID i have other ways i'd like to spend it.

But of course, i'm still saying "yes" to meeting men who ask me out who don't give me the creeps.   I check them out, vet them, and meet them.  So far, so good.  I'm learning way more about myself than i am about them though.  I'm pushing through my negative self talk, i'm just enjoying the moment.

So Mr. Jersey- I'm looking forward to meeting him.  In his grwm videos he slaps on some cologne each time and it always makes me wonder what he smells like.

Work is killing me - it's my busy time and it just keeps coming and coming and coming....i know there is an end to it, kind of, because it's my project.  I've got a LOT of balls in the air trying to coordinate what is coming up and who needs a kick in the butt to make deadlines.  My boss is semi-retiring this summer and will only be staying part time for a year after.  He is stepping down and that is leaving a lot of unanswered questions for what my position will look like after he leaves.  He is in his 80's......I knew this was coming.  I'm still sad because working with him has been the best time of my whole career.  He is brilliant, kind and patient.  He is also an outstanding teacher, as i know first hand.  I found this job out of desperation to get out of a bad one.......and landed exactly where i was meant to be.  

The future is a little blurry- but i'm told not to worry.  So i won't.  But I can be sad for a period of time that will be coming to an end. How often does someone like me get to work with a Nuerosurgeon as a partner? He has shown me how this plan works and i have taken it and run with it......He calls it my baby and says he has complete faith that i have it under control. Yes, i do idolize him a bit.  Yes, he is a bit of a father figure to me- his praise is everything.  I see/hear him handle some providers that are ....difficult....with grace and style.  No one messes with him.  He is truly that old world gentleman that you do not want to screw with.  

okay enough free flow writing for now.  

I danced.

 This past Saturday night i revisited what it felt like to be the zero fucks ME.  

I had talked myself out of going out that night.  I dragged my ass around the house and thought of every reason to text my girlfriend an excuse about why i wasn't going out. I had many valid reasons.  Putting on real clothes, trying to make myself attractive, going somewhere i've never been all by myself to walk up to a man i've been talking to, but haven't ever met face to face.  

Okay, Mb.  Just put on your sassy pants and go do it.  Nothing to lose, everything to gain.  

But PJs.  

No.  

On my way I get a text from my gf, she's running late.  When i get to the venue I ask her "how late" and she says about 1/2 an hour. She's picking up our other 2 girlfriends.

Do i sit out here in the car for half an hour like a baby when his gig starts in half hour, or do i go inside by myself (getting used to that) and find him, say hello and see what happens next.

Fuck it.  I go inside.  The bar is, of course, at the very rear of the building so i make a beeline for it to put a drink in my hand before i find him.  The band is set up before the bar and I see him, looking at his phone.  I walk over and ask him if the band is any good because i'll go get my cover charge back if not.

And we take off.  I try not to stare, but i'm counting the piercings on his face - looking at the tattoos on his hands and neck....he has a FULL head of hair, long.  And he is a big guy.  I feel small.  I'm taking him in, cracking jokes, and someone comes over to talk to him.  He says hang on one sec, and i say i'm hitting the bar and ask if he wants anything.  He doesn't drink.  (I knew this) I walk away and when I return, beer in hand, they are still there talking.  So i keep going... I walk around, check out the place.  See someone I know and say hello for few minutes.  I see him, seeing me.

I like that.

As i take another tour he catches me and says, "come with me".......and we go around behind the band into the "green" room.  (I think to myself, i'm 57 and FINALLY going backstage haha)  He doesn't want to be interrupted, he wants to tell me about his relationship status (As he said he would) in person.

And he does.

I'm attracted to this man.  And i get the distinct feeling he is attracted to me.  BUT....He is not what i consider to be available.  And i don't play in other women's backyards, so.......while i want to jump this mans bones, i immediately put him into the friend category.  I'm not a one and done.  I'm not a side peice, or "entertainment'.  I am glad he talked to me about it.  I'm not responsible for his relationship, HOWEVER, you get what you deserve.

I deserve my own relationship, that i don't have to share.  With or without knowledge of it.  I've had my life blown apart by that behavior, and i've engaged in all kinds of relationships since that time- to try and understand, why am i not enough?

I was asking the wrong question.  Yes, i could have just made it clear i was up for a good time, just have an experience and enjoy it.  Don't be so thinky about everything.  But thats not who i am. 

My friends arrived, and it was time for the band to go on.  I danced, i sang (so much and loud that my voice was gone the next day) I talked to probably everybody and laughed my ass off.  I had SUCH a good time.  My body hurts still from all the dancing it's not used to.  And the whole time i was very aware of him.

And him me.

okay, and the ladies i was with.  Cuz, they are fire.

He came to sit next to me at our table at each break, until he had to go on again.  At the end of the night he asked me for a hug when we were all getting ready to leave.  My gf, who is a fireball, jumped on him and wanted a group hug.  This is so much her that i thought it was hysterical.  He went along with it for a second (really, what guy wouldn't???) and then i got my full on frontal embrace...

Jesus.

I understand how it happens, but no fucking way am i ever going to be that woman.

I won't stop talking to him.  If what he says is real, then maybe he will be available eventually and we can take it from there if we are both single and interested.

Jesus.

I can't hold contempt for what my ex did to me and then consider doing the same. I can understand what it feels like to meet someone you wish you were single for.  

Shrug.

It's the difference between having self worth, and not. 

I didn't always.  I chased my value in other peoples opinions of me, and to extent i still measure my worth on outside measures. But i could never base my happiness (which would be temporary) in someone elses tears.

It was fun to flirt and dance and sing and be with my friends and go home alone and still feel good about myself.  I made a new friend.  I reinforced my enjoyment of live music in small venues. 

 And i went inside a bar by myself to meet a boy in a band....:) 

Politics for Dummies

 I wonder if this is a book i can borrow?  I need it.

Being a United States citizen, being born and raised here by parents who were also born and raised here, has always been something i've taken for granted.  Plus, I'm white.  I have not faced discrimination (to my knowledge) nor have i ever felt uncomfortable anywhere i've gone.  I've never felt like I didn't "belong" or that there was literally anything i couldn't do.

That is privilege.  And most privileged people are clueless ABOUT their privilege because they've never had to think about it.  THAT is privilege. 

If you take the time to sit down and listen, watch, learn what other peoples life experiences are, you cannot deny it.  There is no shame in acknowledging it......the more people who acknowledge it the better because then we can even out the playing field.

But people get mad, they get defensive.  They say they haven't had a good life just because they are white in the United States of America. They suffer too!!  

These are the scary people.  They are afraid if everyone has the same opportunities and comforts there will be less for them.  They feel righteous.  Angry.  Fearful.  

All the ethnic groups that stood behind Trump, all the women ...........was having more money in your pocket (which apparently he meant LESS) more important than anything else?

Yes, government needed to get a check.  Yes, we need to cut the fat and have accountability within government.  There is no denying that.  Our government has been corrupt and feeding off of it's citizens and no one can deny that.  If they do, they are blind, or rich.  How Trump (Elon) is going about it is not the way to do it.  There are PEOPLE on the other end of those jobs.  I bet there are people who voted for him on the other end of those jobs.  This slash and burn method is meant to be a good show.  It has no regard for the people being affected that applied for jobs to support their lives.......The ones at the top will never suffer a sleepless night wondering how to pay the mortgage.

Housing, food, basic needs should never cost more than what the poorest person can afford.  No one should be living on the streets, or not have food in their belly or medical care.  From what i'm told, that is a socialist standpoint.  That makes me a communist?  

I'm not political.  Never have been until this last election.  Yes, i have voted, but just like many other americans, have literally no idea what i'm voting FOR.  This war between democrats and republicans is a huge deterrant to learning more.  Most people don't purposely jump into a shitbath.  So i'm guilty of being ignorant.

My feeling is that even the most knowledgable people regarding our government don't know what the hell is going on either.

That should change.  

Trump is all over the place saying a lot of nothing.  Every day.  It's the same shit over and over.  He riles up his supporters, and the democrats make a big show of being angry.  It's ridiculous and embarrassing

Here's the scariest part for me.  While this mortifies me,  I feel susceptible to the retoric.  Criminals need to be deported.  Government spending needs to be more transparent.  There should be less government in our personal lives.  America should be self-sustaining and I agree that we shouldn't be loaning out money while at the same time OWING it.  I do not fully understand the finances because the government is purposely obtuse, manipulative and deceitful in how they go about getting and disbursing it.  Bills shouldn't be the size of books.  Each bill should be written in layman's terms and publically posted for the citizen to read and understand so they can communicate with their elected officials. 

But what i see happening is PEOPLE being gathered up, put on planes and sent to countries they didn't even come from to be held prisoner in hotels?  Families that have not committed crimes. And we ARE paying for it, dumb dumbs!  So it's literally worthless.  It's inhumane, its a show of power, its disgusting. 

I am rambling about a topic i know little about aside from the news which i listen to from all over the world.  I think.  Because we are being censored and have been fed bullshit by our media for a long time.  Trump being in office has made it worse.  Now it's a reality show.  And it's scripted just like the other reality shows.  

Blah Blah.  I'm hopeless, confused, mortified and destroyed over how people in THIS country are acting  and treating each other.  Add into that what is happening in other countries and i feel so hopeless to do anything about it.  There will come a time when all the hopeless people will need to rise.

That time is coming.

PEOPLE from ALL countries deserve to live in peace. No one is better than anyone else.  We are different and those differences should be cherished and celebrated, not feared.  The ridiculously wealthy people should not be running the show......should NOT be in politics because they cannot represent the people.  I don't care what they call themselves, or what country they live in.  Be wealthy, but not on the backs of the people.  Be wealthy, but not worshipped because of it.  Money doesn't care.

Don't worry, be happy

 Here i am trying to pay down all my credit and it looks like this may the busiest year for travel that i've had to date. 

 I'll be going to florida this summer. It's not any hotter there than it is here only there are BEACHES that are gorgeous.  This time it looks like shenanigans will be going as well so it will be interesting to see how it goes.  A weekend away is different than a week away.  It has been the most relaxing week of my year  for several years now......this is an experiment.  JD are the most generous couple and without them i would never be able to vacation at ALL.

And they've invited me on a separate trip.  A "destination" trip that has yet to be decided.  So while i'm paying down my cards, i'm trying to save money for life and for these trips.

With the way things are going in the world - i'm not going to feel bad for living while i can.  Who knows what changes the next few years will bring.  Somehow i don't think i'm going to all of a sudden be rich.

So there's that.

Last night i was scrolling and sometimes i hit on things that just scream my ex.  So i sent it to him and laughed my ass off.  I spent some time texting back and forth with him and actually enjoying it.  Usually i will get triggered at some point but nope.  Just a funny bantering with the full knowledge that this is what it is and nothing more.

No, i will not be sleeping with him ever again.  That's a pandora's box of emotion that i refuse to revisit.  Friends is good.  We spent a lot of time together.  We know each other.  And thats even MORE reason to never revisit that path again.  

Let's see....what else?  Oh yesterday a woman passed me at work in the hall, turned around, said "excuse me" and then proceeded to tell me that she's passed me before and that i smell wonderful.  She asked me what perfume i use?  That was nice.  It put a little lift in my steps.  I try to remember the nice things people say and do because..........well, maybe that should be the norm not the exception.

This morning in the elevator i had a realization that more people at work know me, than i know them.  People i do not recognize say "good morning Maribeth" and that also feels both good and bad.  How do they know me? And i sure hope it's a good knowing of me.  I've been here 6 years now and moved around enough to know quite a few people.  I love my job.  My career.  

That's enough for today.  My fingers are going to fall off.  It's my busy time of year and the day is going to FLY.

is it me?

 I have a friend going to jail in May for a year.  It was a stupid thing, but it happened.  I could almost see myself doing the same thing he did if i was in a similar situation.

Friday i want to go see a band at a place that is not that far from me.  I'm pausing though, because i know that a guy i used to see will be  there with his girlfriend who is just.......trashy.  She's one of those that likes to start shit for no apparent reason.

The last time i was at the establishment to see a band he showed without her up and left me alone.  Smart.  But his girlfriend has reached out to me in the past with some cray cray - i'm not sure she isn't special needs.  

I don't know why this happens to me.  Well, maybe i understand why my ex's coocoo bird reached out - but i'm pretty sure she won't again.  People tend to forget that they got exactly what they wanted and that i'm not interested.

This one though, he was ....a wannabe badass who gets told what to do by the crazy chicks he hooks up with.  I told him when i met him, i'm going to bore you- I don't fight, i don't like drama and i sure as hell don't want it in a man. I'm the only ex (if you want to classify it as a relationship) of his to live.  I'm not kidding.  He should stick to the crazies because i'm not the one to try and drive crazy.  Been there, done that...i know the signs and i run. 

Which brings me back to the friend going away.  He knows her, them - but he didn't know i know them until today.  I told him i want to go, but not alone because of this possibility. 

I won't get into legal trouble because my career won't allow it.  I have too much to lose.  He won't get into trouble because of his court case.  But let me tell you - no one is going to start shit with him.  Or me if i'm with him.  Those patches are great deflectors.  Especially when these two are apparently trying to cozy up with that MC.  

I don't date patches.  Never have.  Never will.  I'm too needy to be blown off constantly, and coming second to a club and a bike never seemed attractive to me.  Even though......well, lets say my brain wins every time in that situation.  I have friends that are friends because of who they are, not the patch they wear. I don't wear in support of anything.  Thats not my scene even  though bikers are probably the best people on earth.  You know exactly what you get with them, no bullshit.  And if you need help somewhere it's them that aren't afraid to step in.  

Plus i don't think i'm tough enough.  Frankly.  I can't hang like that.  I do actually get scared sometimes! 

Comes down to it, i know i won't go unless he does. And it would be fun to hook up with him again.  He's fun.  And he doesn't get attached.

Anyways, different topic:  i forgot to say that a guy i was talking to on FB dating: We exchanged phone numbers and then all his "stuff" came pouring out.  You know, he's "in the process of divorcing" (NOPE NOPE NOPE) and how he keeps getting into trouble at work but it's all everybody elses fault..........Yes, i ghosted that mother fucker.  I don't have time for this kind of man.

Is this what i attract?  I mean, i did date the nice guy a couple of times. What is it about me?  Am i wearing a sign on my head?  Lord, i may go back to therapy if this keeps happening.  

Third wheel isn't so bad

 I spent the weekend away again - actually worked from Milford in order to beat the traffic that ususally makes the one hour ride, two hours.   Neither of my friends were home, i was told to just make myself at home.

So i set up shop at their kitchen table and worked until it was time to stop.  Read my book and cuddled in the recliner with Miyagi until they arrived home.  

If you had told me i would be spending many of my weekends with this couple I wouldn't have believed you. I'm a homebody.  I like my space, my quiet, my no answering to or having to talk to anyone.  And yet, I'm never stressed out with them.  They are family.

Saturday i had my very first massage that wasn't part of physical therapy.  Jen took me, and laughed when i kept saying "1 and 1/2 hours?  And i have to take my clothes off?".....she told me to relax and stop it.  Just do it.  Well we did and let me tell you.........i'll be doing it again.  That was lovely.

And then Saturday night Shenanigans (whats left of us) arrived and we drank and ate and kept changing the music on Alexa while we played games.  We had a little fun poking at somebody who has recently detached from us due to politics.  

So dumb.  But okay, byeeeeeee.

Once you turn your back on me and walk away i'm all set.  No chasing, no upset, just done.  I've spent too many years of my life chasing people who weren't worthy of my time - and if you can't use your words and have an adult conversation with me about whatever it is bothering you, and your choice is to disappear?  Stay gone.  You were never a friend to me.

I keep my friends, wether they see me a lot, or only talk to me once a year, they are my friend.  If i called them in need, they would be there. If they called me in need, i would be there.  Time means nothing.  Actions and how you show up for each other mean everything.

And if i can laugh and be myself with you that's saying a LOT.  I'm a slow warm.

Give me an ultimatum; tell me i can't associate with someone without losing you?  Bye. Thats not how i live.  I never fit into any one group in my life and i'm not starting now.

It will hurt.  And then it won't.  Life goes on.

Anyways- I fell off the dating cart again.  I can't seem to drum up any interest or time.  It could be the men, but more likely it's me.  I'm busy.  I'm happy.  I'm living life without drama.  

Mr. Music will become a friend i think.  I'm going to see him play this weekend and that should be fun.  He's a muscian so he has a lot of friends/acquaintances.  I'm not sure there would  be room in his life for anything more and i don't know how i would handle all the adoring females.  Putting the cart ahead of me again, although, he does seem to be interested in continuing to talk and meet. Who knows. Maybe he has a big ego and won't like that i'm not googoo over him because of his career.  Not much impresses me beyond being a good person.  He does seem like that so far.

Back to work week.  It's my busy  time so i'm brain tired.