Because i can

 Last night i reached out to a guy i know.  He's not someone i would date.  I'm not someone he would date.  We know this because we have gone out on a date which ended in the understanding that dating was not going to be our thing. wink wink.

He's very loud, and off the hook.  And fun.  I'm pretty sure i can't offend him.  For as long as i've known him (years) he doesn't seem to care about much, aside from his dogs.  He loves his dogs. And his bike.  And his club.

So there's that.

I'm not sure why they hell we have stayed in contact to be honest.  We always answer each others texts?  We flirt even though nothing usually comes of it?  We just like each other? We are both easy for each other?  shrug.  

I mean, neither one of us is getting anything out of this relationship.  We rarely actually see each other, we just keep talking to each other.  It's not constant.  It's a "hey, what happened now" kind of thing.  On both ends. A check in kinda.  You wanna?  no? okay, but are you good then?  yeah?  okay till next time.

When my car needs to be repaired, he'll offer to do it and tell me when someone is over charging me.  I don't take him up on it, because........well.  Because.  I know he'll charge me fair, but it will still cost more.  Get it?  And i don't like that arrangement. Once i mentioned to him something that happened to me on a date and he was ready to go handle business.  I don't owe anybody anything and i'm keeping it that way.  You walk a very fine line with men like him.  And it's good to know where you stand on it.  At all times. 

So why keep in touch?  I like him.He's loud obnoxious and fun.  He's real.  And he's wayyyy too much for me.  I'm not about that life.  I like it nice and calm and peaceful. And worry free.  I'd be insane to want those things and then get involved with a 1%er.  

Plus, i could never hold my own in that environment.  I'm too peace love and kumbaya.  People beating each other up just scares me, it doesn't make me want to do it too.  Yes, i have a temper.  But it's more restrained.

Hey, more power too him.  I get it.  But i've never been one to get romantically involved in that life.  I know too many people, heard too many stories, seen too many things. All of which, i've kept my mouth shut about.  And always will.

Anyhoo.  I reached out and said "why can't you come over and just cuddle?"

......."now?"

"No. I'm having a headboard delivered tonight"

"So i can tie you up to it when we cuddle?"

"NO.  Actual cuddling. Silly"

So.  Don't ask a big badass biker man to come over and cuddle........ I know it will be great, because i've been there before. i know there will be no attachment aside from what we already have going on and that's fine too. It's required actually.  I'll get tossed around and taken care of and he will go home......or wherever he goes.  Until next time.

I mean...Trump is President.  Looks like Kennedy is going to head our healthcare........I minds well have a good time before the shit hits the fan.  And no, thats not a commentary on them per se, it's more a commentary on the state of this country and the lack of choices we have about who leads it.  We were stuck between dumb and dumber in my opinion.  There was no viable choice.  So fuck it.  

Doctors and age

 I am so used to going to different doctors for different ailments now that it's got to be official.....i'm over the hill.  There is a pill for this and a pill for that........and i still can't seem to get a good nights sleep.

I do all the things.  and yet i still toss and turn and reach out.

I thought of a thing i miss.  I miss that presence in the bed next to me.  i miss being able to reach out and touch another human and know that i am safe.  Or curl up against a back, or touch feet.  even for a moment.  That was very calming.

Sometimes it wasn't.  Sometimes it was being sworn at in the middle of the night too. 

Can't forget that part even if it's convenient.

Now.......i literally can't stand sleeping with a man next to me.  I did sleep well with Mr. Tatto, but he kept to his side of a king size bed and never seemed to move a muscle unless it was to reach out and touch me.

I've had other men in my bed, and couldn't wait for them to get out.  Go away.  Shut. up. don't touch me.

just.  stop.

I've been trying to figure out the difference.  Why him but not others?  Why my ex but not others?  These two men are nothing alike, aside from THC.  Otherwise, nothing alike at ALL.  Yet, i got insanely attached to both in a short period of time.

Why?

If i could figure that out, i would save myself and men i date a lot of time.

Doctors appointment this morning, had a nice long talk with my provider.  I have been with her for years.  We reviewed my year, my health, my mental health.......whats going on with this country.  My constant unease and anxiety.  I feel like a raw wound around people, always waiting for the fights to begin, the different ideologies to be spoken loudly.  I fall down the rabbit hole at night, watching horrible videos....I  can't stand it.  

So.......maybe it's not so bad to tuck myself into a book of fiction at night and remove myself from the world.  Escape.  Breathe.  

But sometimes, i really wish i had a strong back next to me in the night. 

Happy Tuesday

 Yesterday i posted a video on FB that showed a grown man losing his shit on a 14 year old kid on a dirt bike.  The grown man assaulted the kid.  

I was mortified.  I reposted it because i was mortified.  Who thinks they have the right to put their hands on a neighborhood kid?  And this guy was full of the word fuck fuck fuck........also, he's a pastor.

enough said.

One of my male friends commented and pretty much shamed me for sharing negativity.  I think he meant well........but fuck you buddy.

Number one: don't tell me what to do or don't do.  EVER.  I will ask you if i need advice.  

Number two: My page.  don't like it? go away.

Number three: Why do you feel so comfortable telling me what i "need".  I "NEED" everyone to see the guys face and what a hypocrite he is.  People in his community think he's a good guy because he's a pastor and he is NOT. 

Then, this morning i'm listening to the news.  I honestly don't think i can possibly be shocked by anything anymore.  I feel so desensitized and numb that feeling shock is shocking.  And THEN, this story about Ronald P. Bedra, of Etna, Ohio conspired with others to create and distribute videos depicting acts of sadistic violence against baby and adult monkeys. 

What.....The....Actual......Fuck.

He got sentenced to 50 months in jail.

I won't share my thoughts of the sadistic violence I hope Karma visits on him there.

How can any of us be fine in a world that breeds such ugliness and hate.

It's no wonder when i listen to the news i become upset and depressed.  

Is it better to be ignorant?  Be blissful?  Or to acknowledge the evil around us and point it out loudly so everyone knows to be aware.  

I hate people.  I really do.  Today, i do.  Today, i need to just put my head down and do my work and not engage.  I feel broken.

Affirmations

 Do you start your day off with all the things you don't want to do rolling in your head?  Starting with getting out of your cozy bed and onto the liar scale before you hit the shower you will then not want to get out of?

I don't do that anymore.

I wake up and get out of bed grateful that i'm needed somewhere.  Or on the weekend i wake up and think i can enjoy a leisurely coffee in the quiet before the day starts rolling.  I am sleepy.  I am warm and comfy but i get to come back to that later.

While i'm in the shower i tell myself how grateful i am for having a job i love going to, for a man i highly respect for an institution i can stand behind.

I get paid alright.

I have outstanding health benefits.

I sit in a beautiful office that i share with VIP.    I mean, i'm a little fancy.

I sometimes wonder when they are going to figure out they made a mistake hiring me.  Or when i'm going to hit the wall on how much more i can learn.

But then i remind myself of all the experiences over the years i have had, working with difficult people, some downright nasty.  I remind myself where i was not that long ago, and i know i have earned where i am now.  I deserve it.  And i do get it done......very well.

How we talk to ourselves is how the day is going to go, and how our days add up is how we view our lives.  I have a comfy bed i don't want to get out of.  I have a job i don't want to lose because i love it, and i have a life i love because of the people i share it with.

Whats to be negative about?

Nice to come home

 Nothing feels as good as coming home after being away all weekend.  I went places, i saw people and i did things.  I'm exhausted.

And content.

I don't feel any anger over dragging my stuff back into the house and cleaning the cat box, taking out the garbage and opening a window for a bit of fresh air while i unpack and put stuff away.  Because i'm doing it for myself, just myself.  There's no one dumping me off at the house and taking off to go see his friends leaving me with all the chores.

It's just me.

I pack for one and 1/2 (my 5 lb dog) and i go.  Where i want.  When i want.  And i come home when i want. 

Alone isn't always a bad thing. 

I drove home and listened to my audio book without having anyone be mad at me for whatever reason, without anyone telling me his friends didn't like me because HE had a temper tantrum.  Without anyone driving like someone with a deathwish while i was in the car with him.....

I'll drive anywhere now.  By myself.  Much better.

I'm trying to remember what i miss.  Can't think of a damn thing today.  I came home to a clean house because i left it like that.  There's food in the fridge, and there always will be because i take care of it.  Myself.  The bills are paid, and getting paid, because i take care of it myself.  I'm not wondering when / if his portion will be coming, because it won't be.  I no longer wait for a man to behave like a man.  I do it.  Myself.

My car isn't cool.  I don't have a vacation home.  I don't have a lot of toys.  What i do have is my family, my friends, and my peace.

So let me go check the dating site that i've been neglecting and see how i can fuck that all up with a man.

Not really.

Ha.

His baby mama reached out  to me again.  Not sure what she wants from me.  To commiserate how horrible he is?  What makes her think i'm the one?  I will never understand people.  And ...i don't have to. 

Sick sucks

 Tuesday i came in to work after wrestling with the sheet of ice that covered my car, and i had a sniffly nose.  I figured, being outside with work clothes and no hat on when the temp was 1 degree was probably the reason why.

By the time i got my coat off and got a cup of coffee, i was sneezing, and sniffling and discovered i also had a headache and a sore throat.

I'll ignore it.  It will go away.

Except it got worse.

When you work in healthcare, you can't sit at your desk wheezing and sneezing.....people freak out.  They give you sidelong glances..........so i tried to take a covid test to soothe the natives.  Believe me when i say i had to leave work, go to CVS, GO INSIDE, because they wouldn't sell it to me through the drive through even though i also picked up my prescriptions.....go home, and take the damn test. I work in a hospital.  Next time i'm throwing down. 

When you feel like shit thats a lot.  

No covid.

Take nyquil go to bed, sleep for 12 hours.  Get up the next day, do it again.

Today, my body hurts from being in bed so long but i'm on my way back to human.  I hope.

I'm supposed to see a psychic tomorrow, and this weekend i'm going to see my girls in the city.  Not to mention the amount of work that has piled up waiting for me to take care of it.

I'm not stressing.  I'm looking at all the things I have to do with gratitude for having them.  It matters if i show up and that's all i ever wanted really.  

Hang on!

 Anyone else glued to the TV today?  The inauguration of Donald J. Trump.  

Yesterday TikTok was back online, supposedly due to Trump (although he was the one that originally wanted it gone).....interesting.

I'm not political.  I can't be because i don't know enough about it.  I can make judgements on what i see on television, but thats a soap opera, not news.  So no, i won't be making opinions on what is shown to me on the television.

AI.  They can show us anything they want to.  What is real?  What they say is real.

Prices are going to go down?  

Housing will become more affordable?

At what cost elsewhere?

Because everyone knows, you don't get something for nothing.

That.  I know.

So i will watch today to see how the "news" handles this day.  And i will enjoy this day off thanks to Martin Luther King, and tomorrow, i will go back to my life.  In the big picture, the macrocosm of this life, it won't matter what my opinions are, what i think, how i feel....I'm a nobody. Just like everyone else who lives in this country and thinks their opinions matter if they accidentally line up with the powers that be.

But in MY life, how I hold myself, how I treat people......thats all me baby.  I might be powerless to politics, regardless of who sits in that presidential seat, but MY LIFE, is MY LIFE.  At least for today.

Hopefully for tomorrow and the days after.