Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I love the fall.  Fall is my favorite and October is STILL my favorite.   One of my favorite memories is tangled up in a breakup.   October 29th, 2016  He and I went to see our friends Steph and Tom at their home, Quiddity.  They were having a few friends over and a fire by the stream.  It was a perfect fall evening.  For once, we didn't fight before we got somewhere- so we arrived together in a good mood. I was happy and content.  I had no idea the storm that would destroy my world as i knew it was only a day away.   As we stood by the fire, talking, smoking, drinking beers - Tom told the story of the graves in their woods.  I was ......fascinated.......and then, I had to go find them.  So, the ladies (there were four of us that night) left the men to their fire and took off over the bridge and into the woods.   And I mean woods. Leaves were up to our knees. There must have been at least a little moon...

 I have done a good job of forcing myself to write almost daily.  I'm writing into thin air, but the point is......I'm doing it. I'm exercising my freedom and brain, documenting random thoughts, experiences and concerns. Because I can.  I hope I still can years from now. The election is less than a week away and I've been trying to avoid listening to the news.  It's the same shit every day and tells me nothing I need to know. I'm voting early on Friday to avoid the mess on Tuesday, plus I get sworn in to the Elks that night.  Kind of cool since the order is so patriotic.   Here is what I'm chewing on at the moment.  I have always been an independent voter not wanting to commit to either party and to be more concerned with the people running.  I was forced into selecting a party when I was joining a public board years ago.  I chose Democrats because they aligned more closely with my belief in helping people who cannot help themselves....

I've been talking with someone i dated over 6 years ago after my "breakup"....when I just started dating and had no idea what I was in for.  When I thought because you were dating someone you were only dating that person.  I had a lot to learn. I had gone from marrying my high school sweetheart, being with him a total of 20 years, to a year of chaos where I went on probably hundreds of coffee dates and ended up with a man that was the exact opposite of my ex husband for 13 years.  We then broke up when he found someone younger (he was younger than me I should say) and basically devastated my self esteem which was already not good. And that's when I met Mr. Clinton who was very acclimated to being single and dating. We dated a few months and then I cut ties. He let me. However, he has always been there in the background - reaching out with random texts, following my social media accounts, making comments - - trying to get back in touch.  I have ignored him.  Like...

 My home was meticulous on Friday night. I had multitasked all day between work and picking up/cleaning.  I had my headphones in, calls forwarded, and a stack of travel authorizations to tackle and I managed to do it all - along with laundry, dishes, floors, dusting, and bathroom.  I was a freakin machine an by the time friday night rolled around I was ready to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor. So I made dinner. Then I pulled out a project I've been working on. Flicked through the channels and found something to keep me company. decided to have a snack Went looking for a piece of another project decided to re-arrange a bookcase Opened up the clothing packages that had arrived earlier in the day Decided to try on a few outfits Went to bed with a book and a cup of tea....no meds slept like shit.  As in, did not sleep. Woke up and realized my home was an absolute mess again.   WTF Can't blame the kids. Can't blame the man. The animals will take their app...

 I get initiated into the Elks Club on Tuesday, November 5th.   Election Day. I will be voting before that.  I have zero desire to stand in long lines which I hope will not exist now that we can vote early.  But I'm still doing it early. My boss just came back from doing it and I asked him about it.  I didn't even know I COULD vote early.   I already know I'm going in to work late on Wednesday because I WILL be staying awake for as long as it takes to know what kind of shitshow will be performing on Wednesday, November 6th. To join the Elks you have to believe in God (whatever that is to you) and be patriotic.  I had to really think about both of these requirements before I joined.  I'm not going to say I'm something I'm not.  Ever.   Do I believe in God?  Yes, but not the organized and bastardized versions.  Not the patriarch's God.  Not the God of materialism and war.  I've always deeply understood wh...

 so there are men that talk to only one woman at a time.  Wow. This group of 50+ singles is a little crazy.  No one has to ask first before sending a private message so no one really knows who is talking to who.  Unless someone makes it very obvious which is generally the women.  The men are expert at discreet in the room.  Women will start flowering his comments with hearts and making "us" statements. It's kind of fun to watch.  I'd never do that.  I like privacy.  ROFL which is why everything goes here.  well, not everything.  But enough to remind me. I'm not competitive, certainly not for a partner.  I'm mortified over those Bachelor shows.  Gross.   Yesterday I bantered with a gentleman who I have in the past considered to be a bit much.  His memes are very adult yet I laugh my ass off.  He said something to me in the room and I replied with a private message.  Then I buried the "sent you a mes...

 I hopped on the ozempic train a bit back and all it did was keep me from continuing to gain weight....which is good, but I wanted to lose weight.  It's been coming off verrrrry slowly.  At least I'm going in the correct direction.  It does make me feel nauseous ....and I have learned to eat dinner as soon as I get home or else I will be up shortly after bed getting sick. Digestion is slowed down so you are supposed to feel full longer.  I was always hungry before I started taking ozempic.  Always looking for my next snack.  The empty pit feeling seems to have started after menopause. I don't have that anymore and sometimes I have to remind myself to eat - usually because I feel like crap and it occurs to me I haven't eaten. During the week is fine because I'm routine with work.  Its the weekends. By the time I realize I haven't eaten I feel like crap and I start eating anything just to get rid of that feeling.  Not a good plan. And if I drin...

 Friday i worked in my pj's after rolling out of bed 5 minutes before I was due to sign in.  I got my coffee, sat at my desk and plowed through what was there to do.  I like to put the morning news on Fridays, and flip through the channels while I'm making my to-do list for the day and the next week. This Friday I did not put the TV on.  I think I will leave it off until this time next month after all the dust has settled and the world we will be living is has been determined. The full moon on Thursday was supposed to be a big deal to a couple of signs, Capricorn being one of them.  Big changes and breakthroughs apparently.  I feel like my horoscope is always saying that and in reality, that is just life.  for everyone.   HOWEVER, I've been contemplating removing myself from social media. I do a lot of scrolling when I could be reading, or going out.  I feel like I pay a lot of money for a phone and internet to spend all this time in a s...

 I may have mentioned in a previous blog that i am a member of a facebook group called "are we dating the same man?"  People have different reactions to groups like this.  My reason for being a member is because i occasionally go out on dates.  I usually do a brief google search to make sure the gentleman is who he says he is.  I don't go into depth.  I just need to know he's real.  This group allows women to post about  men they have had difficulty with, or have been scared by.  OR the big one is asking "any tea?" when someone is dating a guy and wants to know who else is dating him. This site has caught married men, abusive men, cheaters, scammers (one was on the news for stealing lots of money from women) etc.  It's the internets answer to making it JUST as easy to find out who is lying to you as it is to cheat.   I'm old school.  I don't allow other people to make my decisions, however, when more than 10 women are desc...

The Bullet Journal Method ~ Ryder Carroll Assholes a Theory ~ Aaron James Meditations ~ Marcus Aurelius Badass Habits ~ Jen Sincero Surrounded by Idots ~ Thomas Erikson Project Management ~ Chris Croft HTML & CSS ~ Jon Duckett and in my work bag: A bullet journal a novel   Lessons in Chemistry ~ Bonnie Garmus Bluetooth head phones "incidentals" bag Wallet Lipstain Cell phone Water cup  I don't have a lunch bag today because I didn't eat yesterday's breakfast—yogurt with granola—for lunch today. leaving early so I can go home, get changed into jeans and layers, with sneakers.  Going on a Full moon goat walk with a couple of girlfriends...."the band",  as in "the band is back together"...... After cavorting with the goats and hopefully not falling on my face into poop....we are going out for dinner and drinks. Then I will go home, shower, get into PJ's........play my Animal Crossing game on switch so I can get those daily points......then...

 Home, clean, eat, sleep, work, home, clean, eat, sleetp work.  Thats what i do.   Tomorrow night I'm going on a moonlight walk with goats. It wasn't my idea.  But hell, how often does someone invite you to something like that?  I'm getting together with my QU ladies who I became friends with while there.  I have stayed in periodic contact with the two because they are much better at it than I am.  I'm pretty excited to see them.  I can't wait to hear about one's shenanigans and the others achievements.  These ladies are special to me.  I need to make more of an effort to stay in contact. THEN....Saturday I'm going to a dinner/comedy show.  I've invited my couple to attend and it will be the first time my bestie is meeting them.  I know the guys will get along - and I'm sure the girls will too.  I'm going to be the 5th wheel instead of the third.  yay me.   So that's TWO things I'm doing this week becau...

 I knew the heat was on this weekend because I was sweltering in my heat controlled apartment.  I shouldn't complain, because I'm never cold when I'm home........it's like a tropical island.  But the heat on inside means it's cold outside.  I'm not ready. This morning I wore a coat into work.  There was frost, real frost that needed to DEfrost on my windshield and my car kept warning me about black ice on the road. NOOOOOOO. Granted, I spent that last two days inside hiding from the world trying to combat that dark spell I can feel creeping up on me.  On Saturday, I was sweating my ass off helping my friends move.  The world apparently got colder while I was recuperating. It hasn't started and I'm over it.  Winter.  The good part is I am able to work remotely on snowy days now which I truly appreciate.  Having that ability will keep my anxiety over snow to a minimum and it will facilitate my need to hibernate during the upcoming holidays...

 I'm going to be interviewed by the Elks tonight, yahoo! They are serving my favorite, broccoli rabe and sausage, at their Thursday night dinner, so I'm going early for that first. Perhaps I'll have a drink; my last at "public" price. This morning I tortured myself at the dentist with a periodontal cleaning and was told it's time to see a specialist.  a Periodontist.  Greeeeaaatttt.  I'm considering losing my teeth instead.  I am TERRIFIED of the dentist and take Ativan before I go for an appointment to keep me from crawling out of the chair.  This is probably not going to go well.  And lets talk about paying for it too.  Insult to injury is referring to the area of dentistry.  Don't get me wrong, I love my hygenist and I like my dentist okay.......both are very tolerant of my fears and placate me. As they should for the amount of money I spend there.... Yesterday was nice talk with Connecticut man.  He smokes cigarettes and drinks daily...

 During the week I have work, self study, pets, and soon volunteer work........I'm busy, happy, fulfilled.  I'm lucky.  I have an actual life with goals to reach and look forward to.  I'm not done.   On the weekends I do all the chores that keep me going during my busy week.  Housecleaning, laundry, shopping, food prep..etc.  And I like to binge watch TV if there's any time, or play Animal Crossing on my switch with my grandaughter on facetime.......... I have a happy, full life.  And I manage to have a social life with people I love.  I have no complaints. And yet. The missing link, a partner, keeps me ill at ease, like I don't really have that much time left to enjoy certain parts of life and I'm missing out.  But I refuse to spend time with a man I know is not the one.  That feels even worse than not having a partner. I'm on facebook dating even though I keep forgetting to check it and when I do......I give these guys credit...

 Leaving is not enough; you must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the house he’s never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. Don’t wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes; your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor was so compelling you just had to have them. You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses. You make him call before he visits. You take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion with a knife and five cranberries. Don’t lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster...

 This isn't a nice blog entry.  It's a me being a temper tantrum cry baby say all the things and then be done with it blog entry. Remember how much i crave closure?  I got it.  Full in the face, totally unexpected, got it. I reached out to Mr. Tattoo.  Because, frankly, I didn't expect him to respond - I was hoping he wouldn't forget me.  I'm being honest here, not mature. I missed him enough that I considered the fwb situation because dating SUCKS and I don't like any of these men.  Surprise of surprises, he responds. Granted, in a tone he would use with an ex co-worker who is looking for a reference.....but a response.  So I do what I do, and ask how he has been.  I want to know.  I had this picture of him in my mind as being home alone, in pain, with his dog...getting high, watching TV and hating going to work. letting him hold space in my head and thoughts because someday he might want to reach out to me.  HA. MB you are a dumba...

 Had a friend reach out to me last night.  I hear from him every once in a while, he's done favors for me and vise versa, known each other for years .....met in an interesting way, at a gathering of strangers.  We  connected in a way that has kept us in each others lives, regardless of whatever else is going on. Both having "dark passengers"....we understand each other.  I considered a different lifestyle to be with him, but knew it wasn't for me regardless of how I felt for him.  So we stay in touch and our relationship has evolved over time.  Used to be incredible sex.   I think that may be why he was reaching out last night, but he didn't drop it and I didn't pick it up.  The check ins from someone who I love and adore is enough for me.  Its rare to find people, men, like that.  Someone who can say and show you he loves you without needing to be your partner, without needing anything from you but that same feeling returned....

 sometimes I'm an idiot and I need to be reminded.  My impulses need to be controlled and I need to not reach out to people just because I'm thinking about them. especially if they've made it clear they want nothing to do with me.  this is my little reminder. people don't change. stop having hope in hopeless situations.  but then I wouldn't be me.

 Yesterday I got myself into a pissy mood because I'm trying not to spend ANY money BUT all the books I want to read and have on hold at the library still have a really long wait list.  I looked on all my other apps and nope, not available anywhere. (and my list is LONG) So I have to buy a book or keep waiting.  Finally, it occurred to me that I have taken books out at work before. We have a small leisure selection.  So I trotted my desperate-to-read butt over to them and.......hit the jackpot. The Silent Patient- Alex Michaelides (started this one first) Lessons in Chemistry -Bonnie Garmus Happy Place- Emily Henry and I stopped looking after that because these three have been on my "want to read" list for EVER. One can not understand how happy this made me.  Yes, I could browse for available books in the stacks of the public library, but I wanted to read THESE books. Yes, I have a kindle stacked with unread books....but not THESE books.  I'm so glad I didn...

 That lasted less than 24 hours.  I cannot date a man I'm not interested in, or have been switched off by.  I won't make a list because he is perfect for someone, just not me.  Too many "wtf's" have entered my thoughts speaking to him and here is the real reason--He's not adding anything to my life.   That sounds bad. Fuck it.  It's true.  I feel obligated.  After my friends picked on me I felt like I should give it a shot.  But why?  They aren't living my life.   I don't want to.  So I'm not going to. Ah, I feel better. Now I have to cancel plans and let him know.  That part is always yucky.  I never know if  true colors come out and they get nasty, or if they are a decent guy and appreciate the honesty. Update:  he thinks it's because he didn't text me this morning...........i can't.  Maybe I'm crazy but I don't want to be fit into the box with all the bullshit people have been forced to par...

 Today i begin developing my from scratch webpage as a sort of tester for what I will be developing / improving on, at work. I'm very excited. It's one thing to learn about it and do it in bits and pieces off of someone else's jump point........but this one is all mine to develop and learn from.  I honestly never thought i'd be learning new tricks this late in the game but I'm good at it and it makes perfect sense to me.  The creative part will give me a run for my money but I'm sure I can manage.  And excel.   How many stories have I heard about people finding their niche in late life?  Maybe this is mine.  What I know for sure is that this skill will give me a lot of freedom and that is exactly what I'm looking forward to.   Been watching a lot of vanlife streams and I can see where it is a lot of work depending on how you live.  I want to be incognito, not obvious, so I CAN park on a city street for the night if I want/need to....