Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I was really mad at Mr. Cigar this weekend.   One of the things I love about him is that he works hard and he plays hard. His business is his priority- he’s no joke. He is driven and he knows what he’s doing…it shows. And when he has down time, he shoots competitively because he really enjoys it. I’m gonna guess he’s good at that too. His dogs are his babies, literally. He will not leave them with anyone and will not go away overnight if they can’t come. If you know me, you know I’m the same way with Miyagi. I can’t/won’t go 24 hours away from him because he won’t eat if I’m not with him.   I know his spare time is limited, I know he has his interests that are important to him and then add to that, he has a huge property and house that needs to be maintained. And he has to eat.  Not a lot of time for me. And it’s actually been working out really well. He’s not a douchebag hanging out in bars trying to pick up women, or spending all his free time ...

 I so cannot afford to go to florida this year, but my ass is getting on that plane and going. This will be my 3rd year flying to Daytona to spend a glorious 10 days with my friends at their home in New Smyrna Beach, shark bite capital of the world.  This, from a girl who refused to go into ocean water for years after watching "Jaws". And i could care less. It's the undertow and waves that almost killed me my first year there, sharks are not my concern.  But i'm stronger and more steady on my feet this year, i'm hoping to do some actual swimming.  So you never know.....i might be a tasty treat. Getting my real ID drivers license at the last minute became an expense i was not ready for.  Why?  Because i had back taxes, like a loser.  But i eventually managed to get it, and have it in my hot little hand, my ticket to ride.  I got Miyagi all squared away, so he has all his paperwork and is ready to sniff the florida air again with me. Then my cell ph...

 Picked up a pizza and brought it to Mr. Cigars last night - had a relaxing evening just eating and talking. He is a stubborn AF man, for sure.  Refuses to feed in to my anxiety, or try to soothe it in any way. Which drives me crazy, but at the same time empowers me to handle my shit. I'm in control of the choices i make, and if I want immediate answers and conclusive statements from him at this time.......i'm not getting it.   So. Relax and go for the ride, or fight it tooth and nail and destroy what could be the best thing to happen to me since my kids arrival on the planet. This really has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with my inability to handle spikes in anxiety in a manageable way. I'm an emotional rollercoaster if i don't have immediate answers and i don't LIKE ROLLERCOASTERS.  It's a horrible out of control feeling.  Trusting the process is alien to me. Here's what i do know: He doesn't desert me or ignore my anxiety; he just doesn...

 In order to lose weight, I need to get good sleep.  In order to get good sleep i need to have a peaceful mind. Last night, i did not sleep.  Again. I tossed, turned, got up, went back to bed, tossed, punched my pillow......probably fell asleep around 3:30am. was up at 5:30am. I need to be strict with myself, mother myself like i was never mothered. Nothing is more important than my health because without it, i have nothing.   So. Let him. Let him do his thing and withdraw, and don't worry about why or what it means. Just, Let Him. Carry on girl, live your life, do you.  Walk, exercise, eat right, sleep well, go to work and excel, make plans with family and friends and LET HIM fit in. or not. Something i once heard "You don't lose the perfect person for you.  If they were perfect for you they would BE WITH YOU" so stop grieving or worrying about something that was only in your head. Like the monster in the closet. grow up. Men show up, and leave no dou...

 I'm taking a back seat to any emerging emotions that arise within the next few days..... Being transparent with someone you are dating has limits and should be equal.  I know he is into me, but he hasn't jumped and it may take time, or it may not happen.  And either way, that is out of my control. Control being a bigger issue for me than i realized. I haven't been controlling the pace of this relationship, always chomping at the bit.  His bit.  Yesterday i had some time to sit with myself and do some thinking. It started as a spiral, i won't lie.  A continuation of the previous nights anxious thoughts and emotions. I tried to bully him into a stance.  Nope.  He's not falling for that.   He is in control of this relationship.  BUT I am in control of myself.  At least, i need to be.  This relationship is not the be all end all of my life.  It will happen, or it won't. I will trust myself to make the right choices. My l...

Ever have one of those nights where you can't sleep because you are so confused and overloaded and questioning your sanity?  I did.  Last night.  This is what i got up and wrote in the dark.  I'm having the longest anxiety attack ever.   I thought it started when we left the party and got into my car to go home.  Now i know why men usually drive.  They are horrible passengers.   But through the tossing and turning and NOT SLEEPING tonight, it came to me that it probably started while i was talking to my ex. His POS baby mama is on the warpath again and this time she decided to comment in public on my social media.  To which i was stupid enough to respond.   I can't always rise above the shit.  Why she thinks i'm the one to reach out to, ever, is beyond me. I'm not mean ENOUGH.   Of course, i called my ex to let him know crazy was losing it again (she's done worse to his other friends). I engaged. With full k...

 Last night I sent a meme to Mr. Cigar and promptly fell asleep.  I remember thinking "it's so light outside, it's too early" and that was all she wrote. This morning when i woke up I realized i never said goodnight, and when i looked at my phone, neither had he.  He had seen the meme.   We are a couple of losers not being able to stay up later than the sun.  That was my first thought. My second thought was........why didn't he respond when he saw my message? Because that is how i sabotage.  That is my anxiety at work.  Stop it. So i texted good morning and  it took some time for him to respond. he is obviously already on a roll at work.  Here comes my anxiety.  He is pulling away, losing interest, what did i do wrong? No he's not, no he's not, and nothing.  Relax. He makes time for me.  I talk to him every day at some point. We see each other regularly, but not on a routine basis.  He knows me. And i know him.  ...

 I knew my cell phone was attached to me, but i never really had a realistic idea of just how much i depend on it. This morning i went to grab my phone to go sit on the throne.  I had a moment of "OH NO, what will i do?" and then had a good giggle.  what a crisis!  Potty time with no hexagram game!!!! Last night I was a out of sorts, no phone, no social media (unless i get on the laptop, which i sure as hell did) no audiobook, no texting, no phone calls.....I can't read a book while i'm making dinner!  How am i going to multitask? Mr. Cigar messages me back on Facebook (good old facebook) and i tell him "come get me" and he does!  He tells me i'm difficult.  I tell him he's a good boyfriend.  He said he didn't want me having anxiety all night without a phone. Does he know me?  ya think? What if my kids need me?  The only reason i spent money ON a cell phone back in the day was so they could always reach me if they needed me.  Here w...

 A few months ago i decided i was tired of paying so much money for my cell phone service.   I have had them all.  Verizon (horrifyingly expensive and confusing) T-mobile (I do not know how i paid them every month and still owed them money to THIS DAY) and finally, an improvement, Comcast cable.   I went to comcast because i have them for wifi and if you have service with them you can add a phone line for $30ish a month.  And i was fine with this for a long time until I realized how damn expensive my internet is, and that it kept getting more expensive for less service and I had no other choice.  Fiber optic is still not available in my complex and if i'm going to pay a lot of money thats what i want.  One day i had a piss fit and decided i wasn't paying comcast any more money than i literally have to so i cancelled the phone line.  I don't have cable, haven't had cable in years.   This left me with no cell phone plan.  I ...

 How long does it take to know you are with "the one"?  I wish there was a rule book somewhere. What is love? Baby don't hurt me.....(song reference) Limerence? Infatuation?  How do you know the difference? The hardest thing in life is to trust yourself, when you've led yourself down dead end paths before, and wasted time and tears on men who were never meant for you in the first place. Do i just want to be in love?  No........because if that were the case, i've had men that were head over heals (so they said) and i felt nothing.  In the same regard, i've fallen head over heals and he felt nothing. When i was going through last years failed romance (yes another song reference) It was so immediate and so all consuming that i didn't pay attention.  I had given myself over to a man who didn't want me, but THIS one, let me go.  Oh, how that hurt.  And i blamed myself.  I was TOO MUCH of me.  I was TOO obvious with how I felt, needed TOO MUCH...

 Mr. Cigar hasn't been available for more than a few random texts over the past few days.   The old me would be losing sleep, wondering "why" and thinking the worst. The healed me, doesn't like it.....but it is what it is.  If he is pulling away, he has his reasons.  If he is just busy, he has his reasons.  HIS reasons. I'm still going to work, making dinner, talking to my friends, doing my workouts and if i'm lucky getting a chance to read a bit before i fall asleep. I do wonder.  But it's not wrecking my world. He accepted my invitation to attend a graduation party in a few weeks.  My old self started thinking "he'll break up with me, or start a fight so he doesn't have to go" hmmmmm.  I wonder what makes me think things like that?  Previous experiences NOT with him. So cool your jets MB.  He said yes to the invite.  It's not a marriage proposal. My work stress is not over.  No one gave the word to the new guy apparently...

 probably.  Its not the first time i've heard that i always jump to the worst case scenario, or assume the worst is going to happen. Is that anxiety? or a character trait?  It's always self focused.  I assume the best for everyone else and the worst for myself.  Was that learned? is is self defense so i don't get side swiped when something bad happens i can say "i knew it"........? Mr. Cigar called me out last night.  Said i always go to the negative.  He's not wrong.  I catch myself but not always. I can see how that would be annoying- but why do my friends love me so much if i'm so negative? Definitely neurotic.  All that stressing and my boss came back to me with a definitive answer from the above.  My job doesn't change. I do not have to become someones secretary (as much as they seem to think they are entitled to me) because he's unhappy with what he has, or because of my logistical location outside of his office. (ONE of his office...

 This business of not knowing what my actual job is going to be, or when it's going to change is driving me INSANE. My boss is retiring, and it's been known for a while.  But now the scramble is on.   Add that Mr. Cigar is super busy and not having much time. Shit fuck shit.

 It was a busy weekend and i went from one thing to the other, leaving a lot left undone - leaving me uncomfortable in my space This morning i woke up and thought "I can't people today" and so i texted my boss and told him i'm taking a sick day. It's more of a anti-sick day.  I'm taking it so that i can re-center, have some time to myself and get my both my physical and mental space back to some kind of order.  Some would say that's lazy or not a good work ethic, but this is a benefit of working where i do in the job that i have and i'm using it.  It's important to take care of yourself so that you can go to work and focus.  Today, focus is out of the question. My thoughts are all over the place, bouncing from old fears to new confidence and then somewhere in the middle.  Physically, i'm feeling really good, being active, losing weight, not starving my body or my brain.  Clothing is fitting me way different and i have a lot to fit into as i los...

 Last night i was talking with Mr. Cigar on the phone, and while we were talking i drove to his house and we continued talking for the next 3.5 hours.  Real talking, busting on each other, lots of topics.....it just flowed.  Some grabby touchy but all in play, it wasn't that kind of night. I just wanted to be with him instead of just on the phone.  And I did what i wanted to do and went over. When i realized it was 9pm i was on fire to get out the door so we could get some sleep...but he made me wait to taste the Indian rice he had in the cooker.  It's not really rice, it's a oat/grass.....and he makes it with lentels and black beans with some sazon spice.   I'm glad i waited.  Holy sh*t was it good.  And my mind started going a mile a minute of what else i could add to make it the main dish. He's a really good cook.  Which is good, because i'm not.  I have some things that i make fairly well, but my experiments don't usually turn o...

 I think i look different when i'm happy.  I seem to get a lot more attention from men. Maybe  i walk different, smile bigger, shine a little..... I hold on to this feeling while at the same time kicking back my demons that tell me....he's a man, he's gonna lie to you and cheat on you and leave you an emotional husk by the time he's done with you. Isn't that a lovely thought? I notice everything, every good night missed, every day i haven't talked to him on the phone........that is me being anxious and insecure.  I know the words, I certainly know the feeling...and now i need to really master controlling it so it doesn't disrupt my entire life. I remind myself, routine isn't something i want.  I remind myself he is a hard working business(s) owner and this is his busy season.  I remind myself that is something i admire about him, so feeling displaced when he's working himself to sleep every night makes zero sense. Still haven't made that appointm...

 I haven't been in a relationship in over 8 years.   I've dated some men longer than others - but in all honesty (which i was with them) I don't allow myself to attach.  No thats not healthy......but in each case, i was 100% right not to attach.  It was my brain saying "noooooo this is not the one"  I thought not being totally turned off, not wanting to throat punch someone.....made them datable.  It kept me safe from being hurt when it ended which i knew it would from day one. And i was completely fine with that, each time feeling like i dodged a bullet.  No remorse, no regret, just back to my peace and not a second thought. Mr. Tattoo i got attached to because the sex was amazing and i felt great around him.  When we were not together, i did not feel great because i never knew when/if we would see each other again.  I was dickmatized.  It wasn't just the sex though, because i've had good sex before him.....I thought i could fall i...

 What a weekend. I'm happy. Not looney over the top happy........just a nice calmness in my center.  A warmth. (every time i use "....." i think about the millennials who go crazy hating it.  These are the same people that shorten their words and text all day....so take that.........   ................   ............ and calm  your asses down)  Last night i saw a fox, a bunny, a blue heron, a deer, and a bear.   I also saw two very large happy puppies, at Mr. Cigars house.  Let me expain. Saturday i went shopping with my bestie.  She has lost so much weight and she needed new work clothes.  Of course i ended up buying something too, which i've really been trying not to do.  I want to have my clothes sagging off my body before i buy anything new.  BUT, when in Rome. Plus it kept my mind occupied, with should i or shouldn't i? and off of Mr. Cigar.  Which it didn't.  He was ever present in my mind, m...