Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I had a rough night. After coming home from my trip everything is just hitting me square in the face.  I lost Miyagi. I gave Ninja to my son.  My home is empty. Yesterday i washed my carpets and put them back down.  I gathered all the items that go along with living with four legged friends.  My son doesn't want anything for Ninja, he's acclimated her to using the pet food and litter that they use for Mal.  He says she is settling in nicely and is part of the family. I know i did the right thing, but it makes me feel guilty.  Ninja lost her best friend (even though Miyagi barely put up with her) and then i not only left her, but rehomed her with my son while i was gone. What a shitty cat parent.   I don't want to be responsible for another life.  I don't want to make that kind of decision again.  I waited too long for Miyagi, i see that now.  I let him suffer.  I was blind. I failed him.  I knew he was getting older ...

 I'm motivated. I took all the carpets that i had put in storage and brought them back.  I'm deep cleaning them (Its hot as hell in my apartment due to being in the center unit and everyone cranking their heat because of the ridiculous cold weather)  They will dry fast. I had put them in storage because Miyagi was piddling on them - first sign he was failing since he always used the peepee pads before that.  Yes, my dog was a whopping 5 lbs and had a bladder the size of a teaspoon.  He used peepee pads.  There was no way he was going 8 hours without peeing, or even one hour.   So....no more buying peepee pads.  Now i can put the carpets back.   I'd rather have Miyagi back.   I'm also keeping myself busy. Trying to start what to me, is a new life.  No pets?  No need to come home every day?  No-one to greet me at the door or sit in the window watching me?  I am going to let my son and his wife keep Ninja....

 Last night i broke up with Bill for the final time. I know, i've said that before - and should have saved myself some time, but there is something about him that i identify with. His fuckedupedness was familiar to me.   Some time apart, while we were "together" showed me that he is just not enough.  What he offers me is crumbs to keep me around for company.  The only time he actually wants me is when he doesn't have me.  He is the typical type that only wants what he can't have, or take away from someone.   No judgement.  Thats got to be a lonely life.  It's not one i'm interested in.  I need consistency, intimacy, and companionship.  Someone i can depend on, who wants to share their life with me, not fit me into the empty spaces.  Someone who wants to be involved with my life also.  I don't  think it's "negative" to have expectations, or to want consistent affection.   But that's what he did. turned i...

 My first cruise is complete.  Will i go on another?  I could be talked into it, but one is probably enough.  I can see it being very different with a romantic partner.  Not better, just different. Of course, my anxiety kicked in.  I pretty much followed everyone else for the first few days, and then I got anxious.  There are no indicators that its coming on, it just comes.  I had no time alone for 12 days.  I draw all my energy internally, and with no time alone to reboot, it got to be a lot for me. There are people everywhere, all the time.  I love Doug, Jen and Eddie, but i don't want to see ANYONE every day all day, EVER.  It's a lot.  And i'm quite sure i became a lot for them too.  But, we all travel well together, thank the gods.   Thinking about how to break this down - so much to remember.  I'll start with the islands.  Bahamas, Nassau.......sucked ass.  The people were mean, the prices we...

 Where to start?  I'll make this brief since its 9pm on a Tuesday night and my body has no idea what hit it.  My times are all turned upside down.  I've been having fun. This year has started out so sad, losing my best friend in the whole world.  Thinking of Miyagi's last hours with me stabs my heart.  I miss him terribly.  No one could have told me how much his absence in my life would feel like a gaping hole.  While i was away i could avoid the pain most times.  But now i'm home and it's so quiet.   I donated his ashes to a company that makes special wreathes to help grow coral, which apparently, there is a shortage of.  Miyagi's ashes, and other pets, are mixed with a special type of cement and placed into the ocean.   While i was snorkeling, amateur snorkeling that involved a lot of salty water in my mouth......It occurred to me that the artificial reef structures that are along the coast of Grand Turks are the sa...

 Coming home from work has been the worst.  It's when i miss him the most. Today, my son came over to check and make sure his key worked.  He is going to be taking care of Ninja, my cat.  While he was here i gathered most of Miyagi's belongings and asked if he would please give them to someone who needs them, or donate them.  I do not need to know which.  Just don't throw anything away.  There was a lot. I didn't include his toys, i kept our favorite outfits and the blanket he slept on in his bed.  And his collar.  Just some keepsakes to comfort me.  He is gone.  He is feeling no pain.  I need to remind myself that he had a great life, and we had our time together. My son is asking about Ninja, and if i still wanted to re-home her.  I did, when Miyagi was alive, because he hated her.  Now, i just feel bad that she is here alone all day and my son works remotely most days, and has a kitten that would be her friend....

 I keep thinking i hear him.  And I find myself stopping in the middle of a routine, realizing, he's not there. This morning i swore i heard his little feet tapping on the floor. I feel a little crazy.   Yesterday i thought i did fairly well at work.  I had told them why i wasn't coming in Tuesday, so when they saw me they all were giving condolences, and some sharing their own losses.  It felt good to know i don't work with assholes.  Some people just don't understand the bond.  Especially when it's just you and your dog.   When i went home it hit me hard when i opened the door and he did not come to greet me.  It was fresh again.  Any scab forming got ripped off.  I was messy.  And i let myself BE messy.  I loved him very much and he was a huge part of my life every single day......i think a few meltdowns are warranted.  Like i tell others, "give yourself grace"......i gave myself grace.  I'm not sure...

 On Monday night, 1/12/26, I heard a crash in the kitchen.  I saw my cat on her tower, so i knew it wasn't her.  I went into the kitchen and my best friend in the whole world was laying on his side, tongue out, crying and seemingly unable to move. I don't know for sure, but I believe he had a seizure.  I grabbed my coat and my wallet, wrapped him in a blanket and drove to the animal hospital with him in my lap.  All the way there i talked to him about the day i met him, why i fell in love with him, all the good times we have had together, what he means to me and how he has improved my life.  I promised him i would not be selfish, i would not let him suffer. At christmas time my kids had "the talk" with me about Miyagi.  They had seen a huge difference in his appearance and behavior.  I knew he was getting older and starting to lose his eyesight, not being as active, losing weight, and that he had a little doggie dementia.  I always gave him f...

 But no, i will not do that again. I will not throw myself into a relationship on blind faith and hope that the feelings are returned.  I will not behave as a girlfriend/wife for a man who is not committed to me. Or one who doesn't want to "label" it. I don't have to be a genius to figure out why.  None of the reasons really matter either because the bottom line is...i'm not the one.  Not today.  Mayyyyybe someday.  But not today.  I have not been chosen.  I am good enough for now though. I'm not trying to be sarcastic.  To me, a man who cannot say he is in a relationship with me owes me nothing.  Not loyalty, not commitment, no reason to be faithful, or consider me in any way.  Thats what dating is.  When you are figuring it out.  Deciding if this is the one you want to choose.   And if not, you just keep me on the line until you find the one you do.  Or not.  But there is no relationship.  Becaus...

 Bill got a puppy.  I am in puppy heaven.   Also, puppies have never ending energy, sharp little teeth, and then they just drop and sleep wherever they are.   And BIG BOYS are very undecided if they will tolerated this little bundle of energy. Kane says, absolutely not. Abel says, he just wants to sniff her butt. Bill says, he's not worried about it.  The gate between the kitchen/dining area and the great room is doing its job.  Everyone can see each other and the boys watch her run around with her pull rope (bigger than she is).   AND i got in trouble with the dogs again.  This dog life is complicated.  I took the boys outside, as i do.....and this time, they heard something and both took off running around the house barking.....I yelled to Kane and he turned around and came back to me.  Abel, on the other hand - said fuck off. I didn't know what to do. So i ran into the house for Bill, and told him.  Then i got yell...

 When i was in high school, i alway had a few books going.  There were no audiobooks WAY back in the 1980's so i carried my choices around with me along with all my schoolbooks.  (Also before tablets)   I was not a good student.  I did just enough to get by.  After skipping most of my freshman year and having to go to summer school (which i paid for) i knew i had to at the very LEAST show up for each class.  That alone would pass me.   I was a sophomore, and i took a history course about the history of England.  I thought i'd like all the kings and queens - but once i realized i had to learn dates, and people all had the same damn names.....i checked out.  I loved listening to my teacher talk during class - it was story time.  But i hated taking notes then, and nothing stuck.  I failed every test, so i would write smart ass answers hoping my wit would pass me.  It didn't. At the end of  the semester, as i wa...

 I hate this shot.  It makes me sick literally.  This morning all i want to do is puke my brains out and i did already.  I'm dehydrated, have a headache, and nauseous.  But i'm getting SKINNY. FML It's usually only the day after the shot.  But still, thats one day out of 7 that i feel like shit. Had dinner at Bills again last night.  Watched some TV.  Went home and went to bed. Slept like the dead and feel like i didn't sleep at all.  boooo. Forcing greek yogurt down my throat at the moment, hoping it will settle my stomache.  It's so gross. I can't wait to go home and crawl into bed.  If i don't feel better soon i'm going to leave early and do just that.  

For years i have said that i would never disrupt my living situation and consider living with a man, ever again.  This comes from all my previous experiences (3) being an absolute nightmare both financially and mentally. I do not want to be at the beck and call of a man and his needs- meaning "whats for dinner" and "I have no clean socks" and "why do you care if the dishes are done or not?" and cleaning piss off toilet bowl, shaving remnants in the bathroom sink, along with globs of toothpaste.  OR dirty clothes left on the floor all over the place......empty containers in the refrigerator....... Disrespectful, no regard for anyone else that lives there behavior.   AbsoFUCKINGlutely NOT.   I'm a mess.  During the week i am a storm through my home getting ready for work.  And when i get home, i clean it up most of the time.  Sometimes there are dishes left in the sink, but mostly, i try to clean up the same day.  I don't leave potty stain...

 Partnership is a negotiation, isn't it?  Business and romantic.  You are agreeing to what is agreeable and compromising on differences to come to a mutual agreement.  Bill and I seem to agree on how relationships work in general.  Expectations, the mechanics of it all.  You cook i clean kind of stuff.  BUT what about the emotional side of it?  The feelings.   I'm not always excited about Bill.  I don't get giddy when his call comes through.  I'm not rolling my eyes, i'm always happy to talk to him, but i don't get stupid happy about it like a teenager. Sometimes, the idea of leaving my home to go to his house doesn't sound good to me.  There are times i want to just stay home.  I was starting to think maybe i was losing feelings?  But when i was talking to him last night we got involved in the conversation of "being our age" and how that excitement that used to be there as young people in a new relationship isn'...

 Do dreams tell us what is really on our mind? Are we talking to ourselves in our sleep? I woke up pissed off. Got on my scale, lost 3 lbs in one week.  Go me.  Normally any loss gives me a thrill - i'm getting there!  But this morning, i immediately thought "bikini ready?"......knowing the answer is absolutely not.  I am 58 years old.  I didn't wear bikinis in my TEENS.  Well once, but my stomach was so flat my hip bones stuck out and if i was lying down you could see straight down my bottoms.   That was long ago in a far away place. Last night Bill asked me if i was going to be bikini ready.  It occurred to me that i will never look good enough for him.  He should probably date a 30something so he can be happy. I've come too far, and worked too hard to have my body scutinized by anyone.  Least of all a man.  Least of all a less than perfect man.  So yeah, fuck you. Before i woke up pissed off i went to sleep pissed ...

 With some quiet down time to think, and do things around my house I realized that i skipped dating Bill.  We went from a few dates to drama, break ups (when we weren't even really together) and time apart.  We haven't dated for long.  We kinda went straight into relationship.  I did.  He is dating me.  i'm in a hurry.  I want answers and all the work done already.  The work it takes to get to know someone.  That is what i have been hit with.  Right between the eyes.   and yesterday i spent the day with him.  I went to his house late morning and we went to the store to pick out new dog food and deer food.  Tractor supply.  Wooooo.  I'm so used to shopping alone that i've forgotten its more fun with someone.  Then we went to his shop so he could finish up some billing quick - and did i mention, i had started day drinking.  he stopped.  I continued.  I was very happy.   Inwhi...

 I'm sick.   Woke up New Years Eve with body aches, stuffy nose, sore throat - throwing up and running to the bathroom every 1/2 hour.  I don't know if part of that was the medication i'm taking - or if it is a bug.  I'm on my way to better, so it was probably a combination of both. Still have the stuffy nose and sore throat.  Better now than in a couple of weeks when i'm on the cruise. So the big fight on New Years Eve.  Still not resolved. I haven't been in the right place to discuss this with Bill.  I've been mostly sleeping.  I feel like there's a lot that needs to be addressed, but i'm in no hurry to either see him, or address it. I need some space to think about whats happened and what i want to happen. I realized that ive been on such a wild rollercoaster ride with him that i'm just going going going and not taking any time to think.  He's here, he's not here - we are together, we are not together.  I know a large part of it ...

 I was out cold by 7pm last night, and only woke up to my son calling me at 10pm instead of midnight as is our tradition.  He said he was fighting the battle to sleep and he was giving up.  We said happy new year, and i love you and i went back to sleep with a little help from my cough medicine. Nothing from Bill after our screaming match on the phone where i called him a fucking twat and he hung up on me. I guess all that respect i was feeling previously flew straight out the window when he couldn't keep his ex's name out of his mouth and dared to group us together.   I didn't lose him.  He lost me.  He should go back to the bottom feeder he loves so much because they are one in the same.  They enjoy the drama, the upset, the rush of making up.  I do not.  I want peace in my life.  I've done the fighting for a man that wasn't worth winning in the past.  I do actually learn my lessons even if i need a refresher once in a while....