Walking Barefoot in Snow

What man isn't prince charming when he's first trying to date you?  And then, once you have shown interest .... over time familiarity, the truth starts to leak out.  No one is perfect, everyone has their moods and sometimes you just need a break from someone.   Side thought -I've never needed a break from Doug and Jen.  Just saying.  I've spent weeks with them, and have still gone to their house the following weekend.  It's easy, it's natural, we talk, we eat, we have fun, and we aren't always together even if we are together.  Sometimes, i play my games, or read, or even go take a nap and it's okay.  They do the same thing.  That is family.  That is comfort.  That is home.  Don and i are still new, and I do feel like he is pushing forward at a speed i'm not comfortable with.  I'm not going to play house with a man i just met.  Yes, he can spend the night, and have sex and hang out and go out shopping or site see...

 ....to have a real sit down conversation with my boss and listen to him talk about the things he's done over the years. I came back from the cafe with bought lunch, a big no no for me lately, and found my boss sitting in my office on the phone with his boss.  He was on the speaker.  I hesitated, not knowing if i should give him privacy or not, but he waved me in.  I sat and listened to my boss be told not to attend a very important meeting that is coming up.  That was the jist of the conversation that both mortified and pissed me off - and i can only imagine how my boss felt. He's in his 80's, he has Parkinsons.......it's getting progressively worse.  In the past year i've noticed it.  But he is still the same brilliant man......it just may take some time for his thoughts to gel and come out of his mouth, and he may fall asleep sometimes, but .......HE'S in his 80'S for christ sake. This man has been here for almost 50 years.  He has not only the...

 i forgot what it is like to get up and go to work when there is a man sleeping in my bed. I also forgot how hard it is for me to get out of that bed and get my butt moving. I could wake up like that every day and be a happy woman. Having one bathroom though.......that is the kicker.  I'm not used to grabbing my stuff and running out of it  because someone else has nature call.   I'm going to have to move my makeup and hair stuff out of there if this becomes a regular thing.   Ain't no way i'm going in there after he comes out.  Nope. No thank you.  Thats one thing i DO remember. What will he do while i'm at work today?  It must be wierd for him to be at my place by himself.  Will he sleep? snoop? draw? Does it matter?   Yesterday i came home and the door was open.  I mean, wide open.  I know i closed it in the morning because it unlocked and i had to push the button in and make sure it was actually locked before...

 yesterday i was in a funk. My nervous system gets set off when i start to get close to a man.   I'm trying to learn how to regulate it, instead of going into these spirals of fear and anxiety. Whats the worst thing that can happen?  He turns out to be not for me and we end it.  Tada!  I've done that before and i can do that again and be fine. It's not like when i was married, had a barely minimum wage job and 2 children to support on my own while living with a mentally unstable drug addict. I survived that and anything after it is a cake walk. I let myself get too close.  I need to practice detachment.  For my own mental health and for his comfort as well.  No one needs an emotionally dependent weight around their shoulders.  And those that do, aren't thinking of my best interest. So. Don is bringing over his expensive 3D printer because he doesn't have room at his place, which is a very pleasant but small apartment.  It doesn't le...

 The closer i get with Don, the more i begin to self sabotage.   I won't do anything to risk the relationship, it's more of a torture myself type thing. I was talking in my sleep, apparently about Bill - or too Bill.  Don asked me who Bill is the next morning.  I blew it off.  Bill is the LAST person i want to talk about to Don.  I'm afraid Bills toxic bullshit will seep in to my present.  I've been very good about trusting Don, in spite of my innate distrust of all men, with good reason.  I don't worry about him with other women.  I don't worry about him fucking me over.  I do worry that maybe i won't be strong enough for him.  I've seen some of the PTSD, felt it vibrating off him - and all i know to do is give him space but let him know i'm not judging.  I've been reading a lot about it, and how it shows up.  To me, he is worth the time.  He is worth any effort.  I just hope i have the strength of characte...

 I can't tell you the last time i had a man spend the night ..........I know i wasn't happy about it, and that i didn't sleep - and woke up crabby. But last night we had our very first sleep over and I don't know how he slept yet (he's still sleeping) but i was very aware he was there every time i woke up.  Which i do frequently.   He was here when i got home from work last night, and he had meatballs and the makings of a salad.  We feasted, and then.........i gummied.  and gummied some more.  He thinks i'm cute.  I think i hope i never get used to that euphoric feeling of happiness on clouds.  I let loose when i'm gummied.  Laugh and laugh.  and he laughs with me. for now.   I'm sure the giddiness will wear off eventually but for now, i'm enjoying it.  As time goes on we will go deeper or lose contact......i hope he is my last.  I have so much damn fun with him.  And he treats me like a lady. Can't say it's...

 Talked to my bestie last night and had nothing but glowing things to say about Don.  And then, i do what i do and i began to pick the situation apart. What does he want from me? How can he like me so much so soon? What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me? And bestie promptly told me not to self sabatoge this.  She reminded me that i've been walking on air since meeting him, she said he has given me no reason to thing he's up to no good, he needs nothing from me (or vice versa) and what is wrong with me is that i don't think i deserve a good,  quality man like Don. Well then. All i know is that every time i get attached I get hurt.  Or i feel stupid for getting attached.  I always feel like the butt of someone elses joke on me.......hahahahah she thought we were a couple. Don has made no bones about we are together now, and thats that.  Why can this man claim me so easily and be so sure and yet the others ........? I think thats what is scary to m...

 i do and get tarot readings for myself.  I'm not that good at it, plus technically I shouldn't be doing it for myself. Bill comes up repeatedly, over and over.  The man won't go away even when I have no contact.  Let me put this simply, he fumbled me, more than once....was given ample opportunities that he did not deserve to catch up to a mature level of emotions and EACH TIME, fell back into his old patterns.  Lies, deceit, a literal fantasy life that did NOT exist went on in his head with him being the main and only important character. He was mean.  And when he wanted to be, he was charming and could talk me into anything. Was that his fault?  No.  It was mine.  Because i had not learned my lesson.  Men talk shit to get what they want.  They do not have any guilt, or any conscious about lying to get to their goal.  And they do not care about the destruction they leave behind. Most men.  Maybe not all.  I have yet ...

 Saturday night Jen and Doug came over and early the next morning (sunday) we drove out to Caanan to pick up my entertainment center.  It turned out to be HUGE and solid wood, which is great, but also very heavy.  When we got it back to my place my neighbor, Kurt, had the unfortunate timing of leaving his apartment and seeing we were struggling.  He and Doug got it all into my apartment. That was nice and neighborly.  I don't really talk to him but we smile and wave in passing. while i was putting my stuff together to go spend the day with Marine man i put aside one of my baby spider plants to bring to Marine man.  He has huge windows in his place and two very large plants.  I wanted him to have one of my babies.....Bwaaaahahahahaha.  Baby plants!  I decided giving one to my neighbor to say thank you seemed appropriate as well since he randomly busted his gut to get my furniture in when he didn't have to. Always say thank you, and give a toke...

We went on our first date Valentines day.  There were a lot of firsts. I went home with the hand knit blankets he got me from the ladies guild that visits the Vets.  He is a retired Marine.  He is...........all man.  No doubts. He gave me one of his Marines sweatshirts, and other assorted goodies from our day together.  We fell into it like we've known each other forever.  It was very easy.  And nice.  And felt like home.  Thats the feeling. I have nothing to offer him, he's all set. All i have is me, and he seems to think i'm worth keeping.  We need to keep getting to know each other, obviously.  Neither of us is moving from our current living situations and we dont live that far apart, just enough to make it be an effort. I feel seen, and i like what i'm seeing.  Tall, handsome, strong male features, built and bald with tattoos.  Takes care of how he looks, and how he lives.  HOT.  yes, that too.

 There's nothing.  Not a thing i can point to and say "there, thats the red flag". Is THAT a red flag? They say you have 3 loves in a lifetime.  First is idealistic, then hard love, and finally grounded love. Since the breakup with Darryl over 10 years ago, i've dated a LOT.  I've become infatuated with a couple of men, and only really felt anything similar to love with Carlos (later identified as limerence) and Bill (reinforcing that i must love myself first) Yet, how can it be called love when the object of your affection does not return the feeling?  Maybe i needed more lessons on hard love?   Regardless.   I've been talking to Marine man for ONE WEEK and i feel like we know more about each other in that short time than i have learned about during my entire relationship with others. And maybe its because we don't talk about past relationships or dating experiences.  We talk about now, about our likes/dislikes, passions, fears, goals.....

 I need to slow my roll. I haven't been talking to Marine man for a whole week yet and i look for his messages for that dopamine rush.  I like the way he talks to me. He sometimes slips and calls me M'am.  I mean, i've been called worse.  Last night he was wrapped up in the news, watching an elite hostage rescue team in Tuscan regarding the Nancy Guthrie situation.  There was no distracting him, however, i did get my own personal updates from him.  Get the bad guys.   He's not just a retired Marine, he's a GRUNT.  I'm not entirely sure what that is, but put simply, he's a badass.  A genuine, trained Badass.   And he likes me. HOWEVER, we have not set a date to meet yet.  He says "soon", and I flat out asked him if he was involved with someone and he reassured me he is not, and has not been for a long time.  Calmly and directly, without any attitude.  You know, like a grown up responds to possibly rude questions....

 Last night i spent 2 and 1/2 hours on the phone with Marine Man.  There was some flirting, but nothing i wouldn't say in front of other people.  We can't shut up.  He asks great questions, and remembers my answers.  Sometimes i have to repeat my questions......in that regard, he is a total guy.   Nothing escapes me.  If you don't answer me, i give it another shot.  If you still don't answer me I file it away under "something he doesn't want to discuss" for future reference. One thing i like is that he doesn't talk about women he has dated and he doesn't want to hear about anyone i've dated.  I like that.  We are dealing with who we are with each other. He told me he respected me because our first conversations didn't have me asking interview questions like "where do you work" and "how many siblings do you have" etc.  You know, the boring questions that mean nothing until you know if you even LIKE the guy.  Who cares abo...

 i fell for two avoidant personality types.  The kind that like you fine until you actually want to be with them.  The more you want them, the more they pull away and run. I've worked through "why" in therapy, and i'm pretty sure now that i'm aware of it, i can hopefully avoid it.   I need more than bare minimum.  I need to not give more than one reasonable chance.  I get mad at myself, get "dramatic" about it because i'm ashamed to have fallen for someone who gave me all the evidence that he was not the one. First with Carlos. Who seemed very interested until I was returning the interest.  Then he "got stressed".  I'm not sure if he really is an avoidant though, because he's been with someone for a while and doesn't seem to have a problem staying with her. Maybe it was just me.  He didn't want to be with me but the sex was good.  I just didn't fill any other criteria he had in his head.  He was honest, but it doesn'...

 Mostly I sat and watched TV this weekend.  I did go grocery shopping and managed to go poke around at the dollar store (i needed a foam board) but those were the only two times i left home.  It was COLD as hell.  I did some shoveling just because - cleaned off my car from the snow - and called that my cardio. More conversations with the Marine.  So far so good.  He has some very strong feelings about illegal immigrants that might become an issue if we start dating.  It's never black or white.  It's okay to have differing opinions but when someone has that much fire behind their's.......you wonder if a calm conversation and an agreement to disagree is going to work. So far, that's the only caution signal i'm getting.  He texted briefly throughout the day Sunday, but was with his family and then watching Super Bowl.  I like that he let me know that he was going to be busy but still thought enough to text once in a while. He seems level-he...

 You never know what is on the other end of that conversation.  Profiles with pictures that are not who they are, descriptions that are leaving out the most important parts.......It's a crap shoot. The Ranger guy turned nasty with strange texts and when i told him basically "good luck" he went on a long rant about how fat, old and ugly i am and how no one will ever want to date me. Basically, he sounded like a woman.  Most men, even jerks, would just say "fuck off you fat ugly bitch"....but this one had paragraphs.  Catfished. You always have to be conscious that people are not always what they say they are.   I tend to only talk to one person at a time.  I know, i'm supposed to talk to many, date a few and have sex with one......(a good rule i stumbled on years ago) but damn, i don't have the energy for all that.  Or the interest.  Plus i can't keep them straight.   So, "Ranger" boy off the table, i see what else is going on in my ...

  I wore jeans to work today.  I see people do it all the time but i NEVER...well, maybe when i knew no one would be around.  But I flew in the face of the powers that be this morning and decided i was wearing the new jeans i bought last night because I'm DOWN another SIZE and i'm celebrating. These jeans fit comfortably.  My other jeans were supposed to be snug but i've been wearing droopy butt because i didn't want to buy any clothes "in between".  However, nothing feels better than a new pair of jeans that aren't tight or too big.  I'm proud of me. And this is after a week away on a cruise where i gained 11 pounds.  Must have been water wieght because i'm back to where i left off and dropping. I feel good.  I'm in a great mood.  I hope it lasts! I did the thing and opened the FB dating account again.  I'm being very voyueristic this time......watching.  I started talking to "Johhny" from Thompson a recently retired Air Force Ra...

 Last night i wrote a blog filled with nastiness regarding Bill.  I reviewed every fucked up thing he has ever said or done to me that I ACCEPTED. There are a lot of assholes in the world, we don't have to choose to associate with them.  But i did.   What is wrong in my head that a man like that would hold my attention? My therapist said it was because of how i was raised/watered.  That i chase approval from men who withold, that i want to prove my value, that i want to be picked. I'm a pick me girl?  ewwwwww. Nah, i'm going to have to disagree there.  You don't have to tell me more than once that you don't want me.  But with Bill, he told me that a bunch of times, and i broke it off, carried on only to have him return with a changed mind. And i let him. See, that is the key. He is blocked everywhere.  I can't imagine how he would show up again but knowing HIM, he will.  It might take a year more or less, but he will return.  H...

 After work i had a doctors appointment in Cheshire.  I realized that my tires were extremely low on air. Have i ever written about how much i HATE putting air in my tires?  My husband used to do it, then later Darryl did it.......and i've been on my own with it since then.  I hate it.  It sucks.  It seems very easy however i manage to let more air out than in most of the time. I have prided myself on being able to take care of these things myself.  By making appointments.  For oil changes and such.  But you have to do the air yourself.   I have been ignoring it, because that's what i do.  Let me tell you the ride home after that noreaster was a lesson in why we need air in our tires. So i'm pissed.  I text Darryl and say "i'll take you for pizza if you put air in my tires" and he agrees.  We meet up at two different gas stations, and both have the air machines not working.  Just like where i live.  They are...

 ugh.  It's totally true.  As soon as you have ANY contact with the "individual" you are thrown right back into the cycle of having your whole nervous system thrown out of wack. I looked.  I tried to look anyways.  At his social media.  Why?  Because i'm an asshole that has to poke the bear.  We can still send each other messages apparently, but I can't see his page.  I CAN see that he changed his profile picture. And that sent me into a heart pounding, nauseous state. It's true.  You have got to leave it be.  Or it sets you off.  Not in a good way. That mother fucker with his cheesy ass smile on his bald ass head. Psycho.  His social media is nothing like his life.  Liar. Okay.  I feel better now. No more doing that MB.  

 I was up at 4:30am and couldn't go back to sleep because of the intrusive thoughts i wrote about in my last entry. I took a luxurious shower, took my time getting ready, made myself lunch, cleaned up the kitchen and scrolled social media.  Then i left the house at 6:45am because there was nothing else to do that would't cause me to go back to bed. As i was pulling into work i saw the moon.  It was huge and very much THERE which made me think of Darryl.  My ex. of course. So i texted him "do you see the moon?" and he called me. Talking to him now, after all these years, is a comfort.  We had 13 years together, he knew me when i was unmedicated (lol) and there was a lot of pain associated with him.  I grew a lot with him.  And he betrayed me.  But that was 10 years ago and i've continued to grow and heal and learn.   There are worse men then him out here. And there are better. He will always be Darryl.  So talking to him is like talk...

 When i was a kid I hated having Thanksgiving at our house.  My mother, who was far from a good cook, would use every single dish in the house and pile it up in the sink.  When dinner was over, i had to do the dishes and clean up the kitchen.  By myself. All those 80's movies of families celebrating together and all the women in the kitchen cooking and cleaning up with aprons on and girl talk?  Bullshit.  At least for me.  I was alone in the kitchen with a disaster. My mother wasn't domestic and she didn't have a job for most of my young life.  I remember her sitting in her rocking recliner and reading books while she watched soap operas and drank coffee that i brought to her like a little servant. I did the chores and i learned how to clean by spending time at Cathy's house.  Her mother was and is neat as a pin and thats where i learned how to keep a home.   I've been cleaning most of my life.  I'm not new to it.   W...

 We've been friends for over 20 years.....met at work when we both used to smoke.  She's been there through all the changes, divorce, moves, job changes, good time, bad times.......we don't see each other as often as we used to but when we do, it as if no time has passed. I was supposed to go out with her last night for drinks.  Then we changed it to dinner at her house.  Then i cancelled, then i invited her to my house instead.  Neither of us is really in a "good" place.  So she came over and we ordered dinner, no alcohol, and caught up on our lives. By the end of the night we made a pact between us.  If either of us even THOUGHT about getting in touch with, or having ANY communication with the losers we just dumped, we are to reach out to each other first.  No judgement.  Just calm reminders of how these men acted, how we felt about it, and why it is never a good idea to repeat the same mistake. At least make a NEW mistake. Because really, ...