Here is as good a place as any

I've always had difficulties trusting in any relationship i've ever had.  Maybe its because my birth parents didn't give me up for adoption like they probably should have.  Maybe i would have had a normal, adjusted view of the world if the two people (or even just one) who were supposed to love me unconditionally actually did.  Instead, my sperm doner exited stage right and promptly gave me up to my step father, legally and in spirit.  Not such a loss, but still.

Then, my "mother" "raised" me by constantly pushing me away unless I served a purpose.  At age 16 i was more of a reminder than a daughter so out the door she shoved me, and locked it tightly behind me.  At least my sperm doner had the good grace to accept that he wanted nothing to do with me.  She couldn't bare for people to think badly of her, so she told everyone i ran away.

Laughable.  Really.  Especially when the police had to accompany the social worker and I to the house to get my meager belongings.  She stayed upstairs knowing i was packing up what little she had left me, after rummaging through my belongings and taking what she wanted.  Pictures? Things that would remind her of me?  No.  Curling irons, bedspreads, clothing that fit her. You know, things she could use.  At the time, i wasn't one of them.

It still brings me pain in my chest to remember the letters i wrote to her, my mother, asking to be able to return home.  Her one time response being that she "wasn't ready" for me to be in her life.  Like i did something to her.........like being born.

Do i need to go through and "unpack the baggage" ?  No.  I've done it over and over and over again until the feeling became so well worn that it's see through.  She did her damage in the short 16 years she had me with her.  My trust in people had been taken away from the one person who should have been the only one i could trust explicitly.

I'm not the only one.  My generation apparently began the throwing away of children fad.  When i see what goes on in the news i totally understand how we got here.  I understand.  I wasn't beaten, or sexually abused.  I was ignored.  Neglected.  Thrown away and forgotten.  There was no one to report this abuse to.......because in comparison it's really not comparable.  But it does leave scars.

I went along taking care of me, hating, healing and growing as best i could.  There were people who were there for me, but never without a personal agenda of some kind.  Never unconditional.  Never NOT contingent on an expected outcome.  I stopped talking about it.  I stopped thinking about it.  I moved on.

Then i had children and all the wounds re-opened.  How could a mother not know where her child was or if he or she was okay? The love and possession i felt of my babies completely knocked me to my knees.  It also blared out in all the colors "YOU were never loved like this". And yet, as much as i felt I apparently made the same mistakes my own mother did.  Do the exact opposite was the way i raised my children.  Because my mothers way hurt and damaged and left me handicapped emotionally.  I've always been extreme.  This way or that.  Black or white.  It doesn't work that way.  Guidance, temperance, instinct, those are a parents tools.  My toolbox was empty.  No-one ever filled it.  I believed the opposite of empty was full.  I was wrong.

My whole life has been a search for that love.  It's crazy and it's a tired subject (tired feeling) in my bones.  "get over it" is my least favorite saying because it's easy for someone who has had at least ONE person love them because they were worthy of being loved.  Not because they were needed, just because they existed.

So I learned quickly that it was love that needed to be earned.  Not respect.  Not independence or self confidence.  Not even self love.  I needed to be needed in order to be loved.  This is more common in people than you lucky people know.  I'd go so far as to say that it is MORE common when i see all the wounded over achievers.

Again i've been accused of sharing too much on THE INTERNET.  Like it's really so very important to anyone but me and the the people i'm referring to.  Again, I don't much care.  Because there are so many people who share my experience of never being able to trust that feeling of joy, or love, or acceptance......of never being able to relax and not feel the need to serve a purpose in someones life to hold a space there.......thats who this blog is for.  And for me.  ME.

When someone suggests I say too much I instantly know they don't understand and they are ashamed of whatever feelings are brought to the surface.  Yet, they still read on.  Judging, self righteous, better than me.  But guess what? Not everyone.

I bring this up because it's risen again, this feeling of not being what i'm supposed to be to someone else in order to keep their love.  It feels too big to wear.  I've outgrown it.  If at this point in my life i haven't earned the love and affection of people that i love.........then what more can i do about it.  No amount of jumping through hoops, or behaving in certain ways is going to earn that love.

It's okay for me to love and accept the way someone else loves me, just as it is.  The circus act or playing blind isn't happening anymore.  I am worthy, just as I am.  I have love to give, not force.  My love can be quiet in the background and still be no less.

Mr. who are you

Yesterday I ran out to the deli for lunch.  They know me there, mostly because i'm probably one of the few people who smuggle my dog in.  

So there i am chatting and making niceties at the deli, still smiling as i walk out the door which is being held open by.......a familiar guy.  why is he familiar? He's smiling really big like he knows me, did he just say "hi M"? .......oh!....heyyyyy.

As i say "how are ya?" and keep walking willing him not to try and carry on the conversation.  Gratefully he takes my continued walk away as a sign not to chat. I can't remember his name.  I didn't mean to be rude, nor did I want to be friendly in any way.

I did go out with him one time.  He turned it into a weird situation by constantly calling, texting and pretty much driving me up a wall.  However, his name completely escapes me.

Here's the funny part.  As soon as i got into my car i thought "oh god, please don't let this start a river of his texting me again" and by the time i got back to work, sure enough, my phone is bleeping.  The message from "unknown" is "are you interested in meeting up? or should i close this file".....

I text back "I'm seeing someone"

some time passes and I get this text - "you are seeing someone from primeAmerica?"

and I laugh so hard i just about pee my pants.  

I am an asshole.

The text was not from mr.waytoomuch, it was from a salesman that has been emailing, calling and now apparently texting me about a job I don't want.  His timing couldn't have been more perfect.

Sometimes, i take myself WAY too seriously.  I'm just glad i can get a good laugh at my own expense.

I'll do me

The thing about dating, looking for a mate in mid-life is that you no longer have tolerance for anything unacceptable.

Like, when you go on the first couple of dates of course you put your best foot forward, HOWEVER, in my case there was a mutual dumping of "this is the worst of me" and "this is who I am now and what i want" that took place the first time we met in person.  We had talked sporadically over a period of months- with me avoiding my attraction to him. The thought was that any male i am attracted to is an asshole and i needed to avoid that ever happening again.

Well THAT didn't work and i found someone JUST right for me.

The point is that when we are younger we want that other person the think we are as close to perfect as it gets, for as long as possible.  When you get to my place in life, you want to know all the dirt and give all the dirt right off the bat - take it or leave it- before you invest years into a person that, lets be honest, is not going to change drastically.

He told me some pretty hairy stories that first day.  I thought to myself, "holy shit" and then I realized i had some hairy stories of my very own.  I gave him credit for owning his past.  I have respect for people who know their faults, and don't try to play them off as assets.  In other words, someone who knows themselves, knows they aren't perfect and is or has worked on making better choices, yet still accepts who they are.  That's a man.  To me.

Okay, so thats all well and good but what are my faults MB?  I'm nosy.  That's one that has, depending on how you look at it, been an asset and a fault.  Mostly, it's gotten me information that I did nothing with because my stupid heart spoke louder.  Ah, so being a pushover WAS a fault but I believe i've corrected that one.  The nosiness?  It's still there, loud and proud.  I need to know.  Everything.  About everyone.  Ever.

I know a few people like that.  ehem.

I've sat and looked at peoples facebook pages and thought sarcastic and mean things.  I'm human.  And then i correct myself because..........really?  Why am i doing it?  I have a full and complete life with opportunities for growth in abundance.........and i'm wasting my time on making myself feel like shit.  So THERE is another fault.  I ruin my own peace, alllllll by myself.

You know i had to check out the ex's right?  Not mine.  His.  It's just so damn easy now.  Plus, I always wonder (goddammit MB stop wondering) what the other side of the story is.  With lovely facebook, you can get a pretty good idea.  I know the last one was........difficult.  Reading her posts I kinda felt like I knew how she felt - "looking for that real love"......while you are in a relationship.  HOWEVER, i heard the other side and it wasn't a pretty story.  I've seen the proof of that story with my own eyes.  So, she may have blamed him, and had her friends believing it was all him- but i wonder if she told the complete story and the part she played in it.

Well, i don't really wonder.  I'm trying not to ruin my own peace.  Remember?

Here's what i do wonder.  What was my part in the decline of my last relationship?  Why do i care?  Because i don't want to repeat it and ruin this one.  I want to learn from my mistakes and hell, make NEW ones if need be.  Aside from the obvious self serving errors, like, purposely being blind, looking the other way, allowing myself to feel responsible for his behavior, not speaking up loudly enough, and frankly, not leaving when I knew he was only ever using me.

He used to tell me I cared too much.  Is that a fault?  To him it was, but i don't trust the source.  I asked too many questions.  I "always want to fight".........oh, and I'm crazy.  I think i covered his list of what is wrong with me.  Pretty standard complaints from a guy who is cheating, or doing things he knows damn well you aren't going to like, or stick around for.

Tell you what, the day Mike calls me crazy in THAT way is the day i call the movers.  Fuck that noise.  I may be nosy but crazy, i'm not.  I just want the truth.  Even when it sucks.  And I won't be tolerating any more of that bullshit from anyone, ever, again.

Quieting or silencing myself to save someone elses pride is also not a huge concern for me anymore.  Not that i want to run around outing people and shaming them, but if it happens to me, it happens to me.  I get to tell it the way I felt it.

I thought about making this blog private after finding out who was reading it.  Now it makes it hard to be genuine and not take shots.  But you know what?  I'm up for the challenge.  This is my place, and you are welcome to stay and have your own opinions.  Hell, sit there and have fun hating on me if that is how you need to fill your time. I'm going to keep doing me.  I'm not worried about you. 


Taaaaa!

Writing

The thing about writing is
I can't tell if it's healing
or destroying me

~rupi kaur~

How can i tell?

Just keep on writing

and writing

It matters to someone

me. 

Nice to hear from you after all this time

I received an email this weekend from someone i haven't heard from in well over a year. Seems this person was unhappy with my last blog, had some strong opinions about it, and me.

If you know anything about me, you know that if you share your thoughts with me, I'm more than happy to share my thoughts with you ABOUT them.  So in the spirit of being me, let's do that now.  Here are some highlights:

1) "your last entry was pathetic" - and yet, you read it to the end, several times, I'm sure.  So ........not that pathetic really.

2) It's okay to have "dirty laundry" just don't air it.  This, my friend, is the epitome of dysfunction.  This is how abused people and their abusers carry on.  To suggest that i do the same as you, IS pathetic.

3) I am a hypocrite (add that to pathetic, are you keeping track?) Why?  Because i had opinions about someone else's posts.  hmmmm.  ok.  So, don't air dirty laundry and don't have opinions.  Got it.

4)  I am a prolific writer.  What is prolific?  I have to look that one up.  Was that supposed to throw me off the track of more insults?

5) This person supposedly admired me, had best wishes for me.  Had.  hmm.  This person "doesn't know what went on in my relationship".  Uh, yes, you do, because you've been trolling my blog. I'm not even going to try and guess why, but you should probably ask yourself why.

6) I won't be getting any Kudos.  God DAMMIT that is EXACTLY what i was shooting for.
      6a) No one else is gonna give me kudos either.  (insert sad face here because this           devastates me)

7) The gist of this comment was that anyone who supports me is "a poor pitiful pearl"...Is that what someone with no friends calls friends?  Just checking.

8) I had time to end the relationship if it wasn't to my satisfaction.  NOW you are getting it! MY lack of good choices was the point to sharing the blog my friend.  It wasn't about my desire to have the man, or the inability to let him go.  Trust. me.  While you were busy making up excuses for his shortcomings, you missed me taking responsibility for my lack of making good choices.   

9) "Can you not think of someone else besides yourself?"  No.  Not in my blog.  Said it before, say it again........my. blog.  for me.  AND for anyone who sees themselves in what i write if it will help them, make them feel less alone, help them see that changes and growth can keep happening until we die.  Well, most of us.  You have to want to be happy.

10)  I won't be getting any validation from this person.  (insert second sad face) I do need it sometimes, however, not from you, not from him - not from anyone who doesn't have my best interest at heart.  If i were you I would follow my lead and get you some poor pearls who lift you and support you and love you, regardless of what you can give them.  

11)  This person thinks because it's been over a year that i should put on my big girl pants and move on.  Soo...........you read this blog or you don't?  I'm confused.  There has been nothing but moving on going on.  See, pretending sad or painful things didn't happen to you doesn't make them go away.  Everyone heals at their own pace in their own way.  When a relationship ends, more than the idiot who broke up with you needs to be mourned.  If you have a life that is.  Maybe that's where the confusion for you is.
     11a) also, wasn't asking you.  Advice from you isn't something i ever wanted.

12)  OF COURSE I EMBARRASS MY CHILDREN.  They were born for my entertainment.  You made me laugh.  Thank you.

13)  This one, i had to copy and paste so the full effect won't be dimmed by my interpretation:
         

I thought maybe you would get on the right track what with your dog, going to counselling and snagging a new squeeze...........what does HE think of all these 'thoughts' about your 'ex'.......he may just decide he doesn't want the drama either.............

Honestly, you'd have to ask him yourself because you are the only one wondering.  Thank you for you concern though, my heart feels all warm and fuzzy that you care.  

And after all that, i was left with a final wish that I would be happy and don't dwell in the past.  Talk about double edged sword with a poisoned tip.  No one is dwelling in the past when they have learned from it. The past makes us who we are today- we either learn and grow from it , or we pretend it didn't happen, or we think we had no responsibility for the part we played in it.  

I choose growth.  I choose not being bullied or shamed by anyone - including and especially you.  

Taaaa. 

https://walkingbarefootinsnow.blogspot.com/2018/02/this-is-hard.html 

This is hard

The bills I was paying a few moments ago will need to wait a minute - while looking for my expense spreadsheet (yes, i'm THAT anal with my credit lately) I found a folder I had forgotten about on my laptop.  Why did i open it today.  

I'm a believer of everything happening for a reason and at the right time.  Maybe the time was right to give me a good kick in the ass and remind me that my memories are selective when i find it convenient.  

I need to say here that what i am about to copy and paste is humiliating for me, and will be upsetting and disappointing for  some others.  But, I need to have this found letter to myself seen by someone else, to make it a real thing, as horrible as it is.  At least to me.  

Do you want to know why i hate you?  Why I want nothing to do with you?  Why I think everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie meant to manipulate me for whatever it is you want?  Why i find it so difficult to put you out of my head once and for all?  Because I let you do this to me.  I. Let. you.  And because of that, I often hate myself and feel weak, ashamed....But in posting this, I am healing...healed.  I am diluting the dirty secret you probably never thought twice about.

Is it ever okay to hit a woman?  Is it ever possible that a man can actually love a woman he hits?

It seems like such a hypocrisy.  We protect the people we love.  We shelter them from pain. We wish we could carry their pain so they don’t have to bear it.  I do.  I know a lot of people do.  The idea of a loved one being hurt, let alone by your own hand is just inconceivable.

And I always thought that no matter how bad our fights got, no matter what was broken in a rage- that I would always be safe from him harming me.  That he had begun to posture towards me, using threatening poses during arguments, getting into my face and making sharp movements meant to make me believe he was going to hit me…..i never believed he would.  I’ve always felt safe, if not understood- if not considered, if not valued.  I thought he would never hit me.

I’ve been wrong before and I wish I was wrong here.  I wish I could say I didn’t see it coming even if it was so surprising when it finally did happen.  So scary.  So definite and final. 

It took him years to get to the point where he kicked me in the ass once during a fight.  Not a funny kick in the ass.  But I felt that because it didn’t hurt me, and because he certainly could have made it hurt me- that it didn’t count.  Yes, it was humiliating, demeaning, and yes it made me feel the shame he should have felt. 

I don’t think a hit has to physically hurt.  I don’t know if todays did hurt because I myself was in such a blind rage that he had dared to make angry contact with my body…….this man.  This man who loves me?  He threw things on top of me as I lay sprawled on the floor, backward crab crawling to get out of reach of his swinging hands.  I don’t know if it hurt my body.  I don’t know how I ended up on the floor, or how the mirror lay shattered underneath me.  I just keep seeing his face spitting at me, screaming that he hated me.  “I hate you, you fucking cunt!”

And how that brought the center of my chest fresh pain that I thought I could not feel more of after the previous nights (early morning) words of “I’m not interested in you” and “I don’t love you”. 

When did this relationship stop mattering to him.  I don’t know. 

While he wants constant rubbing of his sore back- which he brings snowmobiling and dirt biking but can’t use to make love to me.

 

I should list the bullshit lines I’ve been eating for at least the past year. 

What it comes down to is that this man not only lost his love of me, but he has lost his respect of me as a women he once wanted.  Instead of doing the right thing and breaking off with me, as unpleasant and difficult as that is to do with someone you have been in a long term relationship with- We both deserved better than what happened this morning.

How was there an argument this morning after those words were spoken last night?  Because I second guessed myself, I thought maybe I had approached him wrong, made him mad, deserved to be spoken to like I am not worth any respect.  That’s hard to read.  But it’s true.  I wanted to give him the opportunity to take it back.  To realize in the light of day that he loves me.  That he wants me.

I wonder how often that actually happens. 

Now that I’ve had literally the entire day to spend by myself – because I did scream at him to get out before I called the police and he did make the right choice at that time and leave – I realize that this was always going to happen.  That our relationship has deteriorated beyond recognition.  My reaction is to want to talk about it, understand it, fight about it if need be- and that’s all we’ve been doing.  It’s all been very one sided.  I worry and try to maintain the relationship, try to re-set it when he’s said or done something shitty to me (like yelling at me in a restaurant filled with people that he was going to choke me in front of all these people) or how he’s told me many times before that he doesn’t “want” me, doesn’t love me.

 

So the hitting was bound to occur.  Probably because he knows that I will never tolerate being hit.  And yes, when he slapped me I threw a lamp at him.  And when he slapped me again I went after him.  And while it doesn’t excuse his behavior at all, I have to own my own wrong doing in the situation. 

Yes, if he wanted to knock me out he could with one hit.  But that almost makes it worse.  Because his intent was not to shut me up, his intent was to hurt me, belittle me, make me small and frightened of him.  And he did those things for a few seconds.

I need to remember that I cannot change a mans feelings toward me, and that I may never have true answers as to why he has come to the point where hitting me is now okay with him. 

My hurt comes from not understanding something that I have no control over.  Because he does not love me and maybe never did.  Love does not say those things and do those things.  Not any love that I want to be part of. 

I’m numb now.  I know the real pain comes as the numbness wears off.  And then the need to beg forgiveness for a wrong that’s not mine to own, simply so we can go back to before this and not have to face how bad it is now.

Bad enough that I get slapped over some young pool playing girl that he spent the whole night with, checking her out and being checked out.  In front of me.  In front of our friends.  Making me insignificant not just in private but in public.  And then, if I read that wrong and it wasn’t ever his intention- he had the chance to say it and instead I was told he wasn’t interested in me, didn’t love me, and then within hours I got slapped. 

What more is there to think about? 

Why do i feel a need to post this, private, embarrassing and shameful - fucking pitiful letter to myself?  Because i am mortified that it happened and that i had to make up a different version in my mind to live with it.  In my version, i am brave and I do not back down.  The reality is that i was attacked that day.  I was hit several times, thrown to the floor, and had a big angry man screaming obscenities into my face as I cowered.  That is what happened.

And never will again.  

Again

I'm obsessing again, not sure what triggered it. So nice to come out of thin air and slap me in the face. I think stress at work and the change of season right around the corner is doing it. Sitting here in Meriden waiting on a few old friends to meet up for cocktails and catching up....its been so long.  I almost cancelled, as I'm always inclined to do, because of unreasonable nervousness and a touch of panic. Partially because the talk will go back in time at some points  and it brings up a lot of feelings, none of them comfortable. However, seeing these ladies is always such a comfort. Laughing and certain man bashing (I'm sorry but it's true) will also be on the menu. 

I'm sad sometimes, when random memories are set loose in my brain. I am still waiting for the day when that pain in my chest doesn't come along with them. Seems ridiculous to me considering where I am now in my life,  so it also annoys me. Makes me feel foolish all over again.

Betrayal will do that to a person.  I don't know if people ever really forget the feeling. I am trying my best.

I'm scared sometimes...not looking to care too much about Mikes family because if the day comes where he decides I no longer matter...well. But I do of course.  I care about him and his family even with my heart screaming at me to be careful. 

And then I think, fuck it. I do what I want.