Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I have a secret.  It's not mine to tell.  yet.  But when i say, it's the BEST secret in the world to me...... My home is a disaster area.  I sit here, in silence, typing away while the sink is full of dishes, the counter is scattered with food and debris, the living room has blankets and pillows strewn about all over the place, my dining room table is covered (again) with paints, crafts and oh look, unopened wine bottles... I am alone again. Everything about the last two days was perfect.  And this morning i cuddled my granddaughter for a few minutes in my bed (which, she loves my bed for some reason) while her mom packed up their bags and got ready to go.  We had coffee, we hugged a lot, and then the uber came (i do not argue that i will take them to the train any more, she is an adult and she can decide)  I stood in bare feet and yesterdays hair waving as they got into the car that took my girls away. Yesterday, my son and his wife (the love of...

  How many white people order Thai food delivery on Thanksgiving?  We did.  And then we ended the night with watching the movie "Elf" and eating really bad for us popcorn. There is a child wrapped up in Grandma's snuggly and that is my gorgeous daughter next to her. Today my Son and his wife come and we will celebrate our family with a LOT of food and i plan on taking a nap somewhere in there.  I've been up since 5am waiting for the girls to wake up. (I put them in my room)  It' now 8am.   I'm very happy

 Sitting here, doing watercolors as i wait patiently for my girls to arrive.  My granddaughter just woke up and they are catching the noon train.   No worries.  Take your time.  This is a relaxing day to be grateful.  Time means nothing.  Just. Be. I woke up excited.  This weekend my home will shelter my babies.  Grown ups, with lives of their own now.  But still those two children in footsies, "helping" me in the kitchen while the Thanksgiving Day parade played on the television.  The quiet time of day, before we were rudely forced out of our cozy home to go endure the family dinner which took place at a very specific time.  Or hell would break loose. But that was then.  This, is now.  My son and his wife will arrive tomorrow, to spend the day and night - all of us together.  And for that, i cannot be any more grateful.  What more is there to want? My coffee ritual in the morning - the pouring of it, t...

 Usually the start of the holiday season sets off a dark period for me for many reasons. But NOT this year. I'm so excited that my daughter and grandaughter will be here with me tomorrow and that on Friday my son and his wife will join us for our family thanksgiving dinner.   Having my family with me makes me the happiest.  It is when i am most content.  I love to spend the time with my grandaughter, playing imaginary games, listening to her talk to me about her life (she is a miniature Lindsay) and to just listen to my grown children discuss politics and religion and talk about their views and lives .  They pick on each other and reminisce and tease the hell out of me and the mistakes i made along the way.......and i can't get enough. My place is crone now.  They run the show and i'm happy to let them.  My opinion is given when asked for.  I am ridiculously proud of both my children and the adults they have grown into. The surpassed anything...

 I didn't have to stress over when to tell Mister we aren't going to work out.  He handed it to me on a silver platter. This past weekend I had made plans that did not involve him.  His birthday was on Sunday but he told me more than a few times that it was just another day.  I felt no obligation to make it a special day - partially because it would feed into his intensity that "we" are a couple. I told him i would be away all weekend and didn't know when i'd be home sunday.  Even that felt like too much.  I don't answer to him.   Friday night was at Eddies, and Mister texted a few times, and i ignored it.  I'm not on my phone all night when i'm with friends.  Saturday night i was at a metal concert with my friends drinking and whooping it up.......he texted me some long drawn out thing that i couldn't understand.  So thats what i said, "I don't get it".........and he then gave me some long explanation.......to which i responded ...

Well, its confirmed.  Carlos is still in a relationship.  So that blows that little fantasy right out of the water.  Was nice to flirt, but i'm all set.  I'll talk to Mister tonight and let him know its never going to happen between us.   And that clears my plate for the new year. I know what i want. I'm not settling for anything less than that wonderful electric alive feeling i get when I interact with Carlos.  He's with someone and flirting.  Not what i would have expected from him.  Maybe he's not getting everything he needs with his current, or maybe he's just a man. Doesn't matter.   There must be men out there that i will have that response to, who won't choke me out.  Hahahahaha. And single feels good.  I can do what i want and be available. Who knows what the new year will bring?   All i know is that the next man i choose will be a lucky son of a bitch.  I know how to treat a man. And he won't need t...

 Yesterday I minds well have lit up a cigarette. I know that i can't.  Not ever.  Not even a drag off someone elses, because if i do, i will be buying a pack the next day. Every once in a while i have a craving, and it always passes.  Thats Carlos for me.   A little bit of contact and now i'm having dreams.  Sexy dreams, granted.  But still.  He's been brought to the surface instead of a thought in the background. He's the one who taught me i gave too much too fast.  And that a man can treat you kindly, give you great sex and make me feel so cared for.........and not have any feelings for me.  A true ladies man.   Thats the feeling i want.  the ones i had when i was around him.  I want to cheat at scrabble and make up ridiculous words, watch movies, snack, and have great sex.  There was so much more i wanted to do with him. And it wasn't all about "being a couple" in public.  So no.  I can't settle...

 Okay. Time for me to have a talk with myself.   Am i lonely? No. Is it because of Mister? No. I haven't been lonely as much as disoriented about what i want. And Mister coming into the picture again when he did felt like a good idea because he is a good man. BUT i have known from the start that he is not the one.  Yes, i enjoy spending SOME time with him but he wants way more than i want to give him.  He is over the top.  He is too much.  And i need to let that sit where it is and not progress.  He has known from the start, i have been painfully transparent with him.  He chooses to continue to try and date me. I made my friends buy a table at a brewery to go see a band he likes in December.  I'm trying to decide if i should just pay them back for the table and break it off with him before that.  At this point, i have had enough and the more time i spend with him, the worse i feel about knowing it's going nowhere.  I need to te...

 Friday night the three of us went to Eddies for a "gathering".  We thought a couple of people, but in true Eddie fashion it was at least 50 throughout the night.  He told me that a childhood friend had passed and there was a memorial service set up that friends from out of town were gathering for, so he invited everyone over to his place the night before.  Then his daughter told him to invite us, meaning Doug, Jen and myself so he did.  His new lady friend would be there, and he wanted her to meet everyone. Well. We know why he is head over heals - or seemed to be at friendsgiving.  He's......um.......getting some and she knows exactly what to say to stroke the male ego.  Not that he is a dummy, no way, not even close.  BUT he does lead with his pecker.  Like many men i know. We were a little bit shocked, but them more than me.  I thought she was classy, pulled together, and beautiful white hair.  I liked her outfit.  She look...

 so many things! The other night with Mister went flat.  He is still too much and i am still unaffected.  I've been telling myself that healthy relationships do not involve the extreme ups and downs, or even that butterfly feeling....that this is a healthy relationship because i feel nothing. Ha. I'd rather feel nothing alone. First, it makes me an asshole.  Yes, i've been clear from the start, yes, i accept his gifts and his attention, yes, i've checked in with him to make sure he realizes i'm not making him promises.  Also, he seems to have the one track mind of he is waiting for me. to what? It's not him.  Yes, he is a good man.  Yes, he has his act together. Yes, he checks off the list in my brain of absolute musts.  BUT.......i feel nothing.  No need to see him, no smile when he texts me.  No wondering about him when im not with him. This is a one sided street and i'm the stalled car holding up traffic.  This engine is spent....

 Am i doing what i always do and pull back from everyone when i'm feeling raw?  OR am i being selective in who i spend energy on when i'm at a point where i need to focus energy on my own healing? It's hard to tell. I'm highly productive when i spend the evening alone - listening to an audiobook or watching a movie while i make a blanket, or bullet journal.  I'm relaxed, and i'm focusing on the story while i produce a gift for a friend. When i'm avoiding people, my classic defense mechanism, i'm ususally staring at walls and feeling like shit. So maybe it's progress. Yesterday i had a conversation with a co-worker who is retiring and she said she could never date again, and that she didn't want to.  She said going out in the public is never as fun as she thinks it's going to  be.  People are horrible. And.........I hate to say this, but she's not entirely wrong.  Rudeness prevails in those streets.  And if you aren't about getting int...

 Last night i wanted nothing to do with anyone.   Mister called and i talked to him for a few minutes and then told him i was all peopled out and really just wanted to read my book and go to bed. A few people called and i looked at my phone and just couldn't do it. So i gave myself the grace to take the night off and not interact.  And i did it without feeling bad for a change.  It's okay to not want to chit chat.   I've been taking on a lot of my besties stress when she calls.  It's always very negative and i try to advise her but i think there is a lot going on that i don't know about and it's none of my business.  I sometimes feel like her marriage is struggling.  Thats not something she would share with me. She has boundaries, but expects me not to. And i've learned never to get in the middle of anyones marriage.  I see things.  And i say nothing.   I feel like we are drifting apart again, as we sometimes do....

 what the hell is going on with all the stabbings lately?  And it's kids stabbing their parents, and killing them. I should count my blessings that i never felt the need to stab my own parents.  Thats as close to a nice thing as i can say about my egg donor. I don't even know if she's alive.   Again, counting my blessings. Sunday night i decided to set up the automatic coffee maker, since it was out.  I set myself up and yesterday morning i woke up to the smell of fresh coffee brewing and all i had to do was pour myself a cup.  It was so nice. And then i saw a video that said part of self care is doing something nice for future you every day.  I think i'll start with prepping coffee for the following morning.  I mean, it's not like having it served to me in bed as soon as i open my eyes............but it's a start. The stuff i ordered for Jen's birthday arrived yesterday and i've started working on it.  She never asks for ANYTHING and is...

 I finished the kitchen, cleaned the apartment, and cooked a turkey.  There was so much FOOD.  And laughing, and great conversation between everyone.   Mister fit right in.  This was a "mixed" group of friends meaning i'm close to all that were there but they don't know each other.  So in a way, he wasn't the only one meeting new people. And it all worked out perfectly.  Because i have awesome friends and perhaps he is a potential awesome "boyfriend".  I was 100% myself, got a little tipsy and bawdy, cracking jokes and being obnoxious as i sometimes do around my friends .......he didn't get his panties in a bunch, or try to control me in any way shape or form, seemed to enjoy me as much as anyone and joined in on the banter.  He got a few good zingers in there that cracked everyone up.  He was attentive, and people noticed.  Ever the gentleman, always conscious of my needs. Which i find uncomfortable, but i'm getting acclimated...

 Yesterday i FINALLY got my town pistol permit after 3 months of waiting and wondering what the actual hell was taking so long?  My fault, for having let my permit expire.  That won't happen again because this process has been expensive and tedious.  And i'm a clean as a whistle good citizen- I cannot imagine how difficult this is for someone who isnt'.   There is the part of me that screams this is unfair.  Criminals get guns for free.  Well, maybe not free but they get guns a LOT easier than the good citizen and that makes zero sense to me.  Also, the reality is I need to be able to protect myself, because criminals dont wait for the police to arrive before they carry out their plan.  And i'm not waiting either.  They have a plan, I have a plan.  We are fairly even.  Anyone who says there is no need, hasn't ever been in a situation where they have felt completely helpless because of not being prepared.  And i hope t...

 Had a nice talk with Mister on the phone last night.  He basically told me that i have been crystal clear about my feelings from day one and that he knows there is no promise of anything at any time. And yet he still wants to see me. He doesn't want me to feel like i "owe" him anything because of his generosity and reassured me that it gives him great pleasure to make me happy, and that he does "get something" from treating me well. okay. So i did explain to him how relationships for me in the past have felt transactional.  If someone did something nice for me, like give me a good backrup, it was always followed up with an accusational tone of "well i gave you a long backrub"........if that makes sense.  Nothing was given.  Everything was an "in turn" situation. So i learned not to want anything, because it wasn't given freely.  And i didn't want the pressure of "have to" because my way of showing love wasn't good enoug...

 Mister treats me like a queen.  Opens car doors, (won't let me touch a door period) always drives, takes me places, makes sure i eat, pays for everything, compliments me constantly, brings me gifts, and flowers........writes me poetry.   And last night he initiated a kiss and i backed off.  I felt a door slam shut in my head. "no".  I've kissed him before, little pecks of appreciation.  but a passionate kiss?  nope. First off, i don't know why i'm so against any kind of sexual contact all of a sudden.  I want nothing to do with it. And that is going to be a problem eventually.  For Mister.  Not for me. Maybe its because my medication has been doubled.  It won't always be.  But for now, it is and i don't want to feel pressured. and i do. Not because he is pressuring me, but because i'm not a "taker" naturally.  some would say "receiver" to me it's the same thing. How do i continue to "receive" when it feels as if i...

 Tomorrow is a holiday so i took today (Monday) off to make it a long weekend.  Friday after work i drove to Milford, with all my laundry, just like a kid coming home from college for the weekend.  I was supposed to go to NY this weekend, but my signals got crossed with my daughters and it didn't happen. So instead, i ran away to my second home. It's different now, with their grown daughter and grandchildren living there.  But i was jealous.  I wish i could spend that kind of time with my granddaughter, but i know my daughter would loath to move home with me and she doesn't need to.  She's got her act together.  Not that theirs doesn't....she's got TWO kids and the father isn't as active as my daughters ex is with his kids. I could see living with my daughter as long as i gave up any kind of opinion or control.  She is as strong willed, if not more so, than i am.  Two women at the head with a granddaughter..........nope, she would have to be ...

 I'm not responsible for other peoples lives or feelings, as long as i am being transparent and truthful.  I keep telling myself this.  I do not carry the load of anyone elses feelings.  I'm not committed, i've made no promises, he knew what the situation was when he made his choice. Mister showed up last night with a gift.  Its a thingy you put on the doorway and it makes it virtually impossible to kick the door in.  ?  He said he wants me to to safe.  He saw this, thought of me and bought it. He is generous, and it was thoughtful, but i wonder what is in his head?  He worries about my "safety". My life is not that thrilling.  I haven't pissed off any organized crime ring to my knowledge.....i'm very cognizant of keeping things secured.  But okay.  Thank you. And he brought dinner, already cooked.  I made him plate it, and we ate.  He pushed my fucking chair in.  Wouldn't eat until i took the first bite. Is this...

 woke up cranky and in a dark mood this morning.  Hello there, i wondered when you were making another appearance. I did not cancel Mister coming over to visit tonight.  I told him i was cranky, was going to need some time to myself after work, and could he come over later.  He agreed, and is also bringing dinner. Using my words seems to be helpful and productive.  He is a very agreeable person.  I'm still trying to figure out why.  And is he like this for everyone?  And does that even matter? Am i purposely being awful to him to see how far i can push him before he gives up?  Something to discuss tomorrow with my therapist i suppose. I'm trying not to panic, but the feeling keeps rising in my chest.  In the shower this morning i was thinking i should just cut ties, and then i won't have to have all the feelings.  I can still just be alone.  But another voice in my head - a calm one, said to wait.  Don't make rash choices....

 This morning i felt like i was "skipping" a beat.  Did i turn that water on?  Did i forget to put my coffee cup in the Kuerig after i hit "start"....yes. And i almost got out of the shower without rinsing the conditioner out of my hair. Imagine trying to get dressed.  I did put on a cute, fitted, short dress....and had the common sense to remember i am going to work not a rave.  Tore my closet apart, and finally opened pinterest for a quick look at things i had pinned for future dressing issues...like this. Long black dress, High top black boots, denim jacket, hoops, done. Thank you Pinterest. I haven't been to the gym once.  Every morning i think of it.  And decide "tomorrow"........i need to get on the stick.  No one is going to make me do it.  I have to do this myself.   Unlike cooking a turkey.  I had 7 different people telling me how to cook my turkey.  Guess what?  It's my turkey and i'll cook it the way i want...

 I'm hosting friendsgiving for the first time ever.  It's only 7 people, but i'm starting to get nervous. I hate cleaning the turkey.  Sticking my hands into its body is just.........nope.  Someone is going to have to clean it.   Thats all i have to do.  All the sides and desserts are arriving so my turkey better be FANTASTIC.  And i will decorate.   I kind of can't wait to do this "by myself" the first time ever, and i'm also afraid i will mess it up. But what are the holidays without a little stress for your loved ones, right? I put everyone into a facebook chat group so we know who is bringing what and people can kind of chat a bit before the day.  I'm mixing friend groups - so this will be a first.  Also, Mister will be making his debut as my "friend" because that is what he is. I want to play a game too but i haven't figured out which one yet.  I think that will be fun.  And hopefully there will be a game on and ...

 I am so uncomfortable with sensitive men, who are in touch with their emotions - some would say their feminine side.  I literally do not know what to do with that. But its what i've always said i want- a man who can speak to me, share his emotions, be able to understand mine.  Now that i have it, i deflect.  I avoid.  I become........masculine. And i don't want to be masculine.  I want to be the girl.  And that is the twisted shit in my head that allows me to go out with men who act like neanderthals, can't show emotion, (unless it's anger or disdain) and close me out.   A man who gives me thoughtful tokens of his affection, writes poetry with me in mind, caters to my every want or need - who picks me up at my home to bring me to his home for a homecooked dinner and a movie with no sex.....then brings me home.   I've never had anyone go so far out of their way - to the point, i'm not allowed to touch his car door handle.  Gett...