oh yeahhhh

 i'm feeling nyself baby!  Hit a goal this morning when i stepped on the scale.  Did a little happy dance, and now it's time to work on the next goal.  It feels good to see results.  Slowly.....but getting there.

Mr. FB texted me at 2pm yesterday saying he hadn't heard from me.  I ignored the text.  If he was actually wondering why he hadn't heard from me, he would have asked me in the morning.  Something better came up for him, and it didn't work out, so he reached back out to me.  I'm not slow Mr. FB.  Better luck next time....with someone else.

Yesterday i cleaned out my closet.  Literally.  The big scary one with all the stuff that has no other place to go lives.  My craft supplies.  I needed to evaluate what i have so i don't repurchase (no spend remember) and also, to throw away the stuff i've been holding on to for years but haven't actually used.  Now the closet is leaner, and i can find what i need easily.

I keep purging stuff i don't use because when i say i'm getting ready for van life, i'm not kidding.  I found a bunch of notebooks that i had written notes about van life so i merged them all into the one i had created with sections in a binder.  So now that is all in once place, easy to reach and add to.  

I also painted a birthday card for my granddaughter.  I started it over 5 times and i like the result, even if it's not "professional" .  I hope it will mean something to her if she keeps it.  This kid keeps everything I give her, which is why I really started thinking about what will age well with her.  Of course i had to get her fun stuff for her birthday, and comfy stuff.......she loves a good blanket.  Thats my girl.  Her mother may kill me over the shouting game i got for her but it's a sneaky way for her to learn while having fun and it will grow with her.  Loud Librarians.  Looks hysterical.  

Today i am supposed to clean and do chores.  I don't feel like it.  Screw it.  The floors and the laundry can wait until tomorrow.  I'm going to do some diamond dots and listen to a true crime podcast before i have to get ready to leave for a birthday party.  

My mood is picking up.  I hope i'm on the upswing and that it centers out at a good place and stays there for a while.  

I did some rearranging and setting up a cozy area for myself in the living room.  I'm ready for fall, snuggling down and reading, solving puzzles, and binge watching television when i'm not out having fun with my friends.

Let's go!

Philly

 Doug and Jen invited me to go to Philly for the weekend.  The last time we went we were in search of the worlds best pork sandwich.  It was closed. 

So we are trying it again in a few weeks.  Only this time, we invited Eddie to come with us.

I smell a set up.

Here's the thing.  I adore Eddie.  We are very easy with each other, like we've been a couple for decades.  But we aren't.  We  talk to each other once in a while, text each other disgusting jokes occasionally, and always gravitate towards each other when the whole group is together.

Eddie is easy.

So away we four (not our usual 3) will go for a long weekend.  And then we come back to our normal lives.

There's no one to piss off.  He's single, i'm single.  So for now, it works. 

He knows me.  He's seen and heard about the guys i date and how it ends up.  He probably thinks i'm insane.  He is probably also entertained by my stories. 

Anyways - Mr. FB never contacted me again after our telephone conversation Tuesday night.  I don't expect to, because if he was still interested he would have reached out regarding details for todays lunch date. 

What makes a man reach out to a stranger, ask her out, and then flake out?  Shrug.  

I have to wonder what kind of energy i'm putting out to attract flakey men.  Oh well.  More time for me.

Drag your ass

 back to work.  I've been out sick since Monday afternoon.  It's a combination of med changes and mental health, i think.  All i did was sleep.  get up, eat something, go back to the couch or bed and sleep some more.  I was dizzy and nauseous sometimes vomiting bile.  I thought it was worthy of not being around people.

I agreed to a phone call with FB man Tuesday night.  It was supposed to be short, but he is a talker.  Seems like a nice man.  Maybe a touch of Aspberbers?  Something.  The great thing was he talked to me like a person, no sexual innuendos.  No testing the waters.  Just a nice conversation.  He did tell me that he was scrolling facebook and saw my profile picture which was "gorgeous," and he realized we had a friend in common so he took the chance and reached out.  He was very happy i responded. (ha, wait till he meets me in person and realizes i'm not gorgeous)

Obviously, this reminds me of Mr. Tattoo.  Where I was the random woman reaching out to him.  The difference is a friend had suggested we might get along.  I had a bit more to stand on, however, to him, i was probably some crazy lady on facebook.  He bit though......there is something about being approached randomly that stirs the curiosity.

I fell head over heels; he satisfied his curiosity, and here I am today - on the receiving end.

After our talk, I feel like Mr. FB has a life he loves and isn't desperate to fill a spot.  Check.  He lives on his own and pays his bills. Check.  He doesn't have any serious health issues at age 66.  Check.  He is physically active which i would hope means he can be "active".....tbd.   He was a high school teacher for special education for over 35 years.  That takes a certain personality.  Perhaps my affinity with working at the youth shelter would match with his.  We have a need to help those who need help, to empower them.  Check.  

And yet, not an ounce of excitement can be found in my gut to meet another man.  

I'm doing this because he could be the one i didn't expect.  He did come to me.  Literally, as I was sitting in my living room looking at facebook.  So thats kinda funny.

The nice thing is he hasn't been driving me crazy with constant text messages, which at first made me think he had lost interest in getting together.  I'm not used to someone who isn't texting me all the time.  I like it.  It seems .......normal.  

So, we'll see.  I'll go to lunch and we will hit it off, or we won't.  50/50.  

It's okay, probably more than okay, to not have butterflies or excitement. Just curiosity. 

if I can't have this I don't want it

essential need 

downslide

 It's happening again.  I knew it was coming with my apathetic attitude and road rage.  It's here.

That feeling.

I went to work this morning and could barely contain myself from crying.  I hate this feeling.  So before it got any worse, i excused myself, and came home.  And slept. and slept some more.  Now i'm up and ....quiet.  Nothing holds my interest.  I tried to watch a movie, television, read my book, looked at my paints and considered experimenting........no, nope, and nope.  

So i scrolled mindlessly and got an unpleasant shock.  I forgot to block him on instagram, and there was his face with what is supposed to be a funny look.  Not funny to me. So now i feel sick to my stomach also.  I had really hoped to never see his face again.  

I'm not usually like that.  But then, i never got choked out before either. 

That fucker. And looking at his picture i wonder to myself, how the hell does he get women?  How did he get me?  That charisma and charm .....gotta watch out for those men.

Like i did with Mr. Batts.  He made me massively uncomfortable and was super pushy.....for all i know he's a great guy.  For someone else.  I don't like repeating myself when i'm uncomfortable.  

What kind of switch up is this?  I was drawn in to my ex of 13 years because he seemed like a lone wolf.  I never felt afraid of him, but there were times i was unsafe with him.  He was an animal on the bike, with me or without me on it.  Any kind of machine his adhd would kick in and he had to test out its speed......any car, anything with an engine.  I'm surprised we didn't die.  But his quiet way of looking at me like only i existed - the way he walked, held me - took over, for a long time that kept me.   He could be charming too.  When he felt like it.

Mr. Tattoo.  I didn't feel charmed.  I felt on fire. Weird.  Maybe we knew each other in a previous life - there was some kind of "knowing" there.  I felt safe, but wild.  I felt comfort and ease - but in the end, not enough.  Or too much. 

I've dated a LOT.  I have sat with many men and heard many stories.  Some were jerks, some were very nice, some just had a lifestyle i didn't see myself being part of.  Some were boring.  Or just out to get laid.    Regardless of what their end game was, they were just average joe's like me, looking to connect with someone.

A man from facebook reached out to me last week and we talked.  The next day he asked me out to lunch.  I haven't heard from him again.  Nor have i reached out to him.

I'm pretty ...........done?  Yeah, i'm over it.  Over dating.  

For the minute. LOL.  No, for some reason i feel like it's the only thing in my life making me unhappy.......so why do it.

from 2016 to present

The Core Shift

• 2016: Love is a fight, breakups are battles, healing is about removing the invader.

• Now: Love is optional, life is wide, healing is ongoing, and you are the center of your own story.

Ropes and release

 I listened to a podcast this morning from "Modern Love" regarding kink, and rope play.  This was put out by the New York Times so i don't think the purpose was for titillation as much as information.  I found myself really listening as i was getting ready for work.

I know a bit about this.

About pain in general and about very specific purposeful pain.

I don't want to write about it, there are a lot of great articles and ways to find out the details from sources that are a lot more knowledgeable and articulate than i am.

What i got caught up on was the speakers experience of release - It's not sexual, although after the release there is gratitude an union on both sides of the rope, the top and bottom.  So while it can certainly turn into sex it doesn't have to.  Thats not the point in the grand scheme of things.

Back in the day i spent some time in bondage clubs because i was writing a paper on deviant sexual behavior for a psychology class i was taking at the time.  Kink was considered deviant back then, and now in some circles.  Very off the cuff, but i'd say there is a higher percentage of damaged people participating in kink, for sure.  But aren't we all damaged in one way or another?

The paper got me interested, and i saw a small light at the end of the tunnel but my husband at the time was far from willing to discuss it.  He didn't understand why I wanted him to "hurt" me.  He couldn't wrap his mind around what i wanted to investigate as a couple.  The idea, (solution?) died as soon as it was birthed.  

It was years later, after having been divorced forever and just leaving a 13 year relationship with my "bf" that i was re-introduced to the world of kink.  It sounds taudry. Parts of it can be. I think i partook in all the different levels of decency within legal and moral limits. 

The acts themselves were not the point.  The reclaiming of self was.  The freedom of having control over my sexuality after it had been held hostage to two long term very traditional relationships for my whole life was my experience.  But it wasn't until this morning as i was listening to this podcast that another missing piece fell into place. 

It was about accepting my body with all it's imperfections, seeing it as a tool and not a thing to be used by someone else for their purposes.

A couple of years ago when i went to florida with my friends we went to the nudist beach.  I felt challenged "I didn't think you would want to go" so I made it a mission to go strut my big girl ass around on that beach like i had a right to.

I almost drowned that day, but thats a different story.

People on that beach, and there were not a lot, didn't give a good damn what anyone thinks.  The long timers look like raisonettes .....wrinkled and brown all over.  All kinds of bodies, big, small, fat, skinny, young and mostly older.  I mean, Florida.  

A switch got thrown as i sat there trying to work up the courage to take my top off.  Who cares?  And wouldn't it feel wonderful to feel the sun on my breasts?  Off with the top.  

I'm not ashamed of my body, but i've never been accepting of it either - not even when i was a young small hard body - I never felt proud or happy with my body.  Now i'm a big woman, losing wieght at an age when elasticity is practically gone and i am the MOST comfortable in my body.  And that didn't happen until  quite recently.

Part of being at peace with yourself is accepting who you are - all the good, bad, different than others, and sames.  We are who we are and we try to be the best we can be and sometimes we just aren't.  And its okay.  We are still allowed to love ourselves, even on the worst days.

Kink kind of introduced me to the idea of "to each his own".........what works for you may not work for others.  People participate for different reasons.  None of them wrong.  

I had a friend who would spank my ass so hard it would be covered in bruises for weeks.  He knew how to do it- with the build up.  He only ever used his hand on me.  And i was a stubborn brat, i would not ever quit or ask for him to stop.  Each slap would release me from my thoughts, my thinking too much, my worries, my inadequacies, my failures, my losses........Each slap brought focus to that sting, that pain - concentrated into one place physically, not mentally.  I craved it.  When the bruises would start to fade i would be sad.  They were the proof- they were the visual proof of my bearing the pain and surviving, thriving, carrying on.  Healing.

People would cringe when they saw pictures of my proudest sessions.  They couldn't understand and thats okay.  He understood how to release me, how to talk to me, "tell me to stop", "no, I will not"....SMACK.  

It's been years since i've had a spanking.  I don't think i could bear what i did then - I no longer want that level of release, I no longer need it.  It served it's purpose - It purged the pain i carried inside and while it left its marks on my buttocks, they faded as i healed.  

Rope play is painful - it is a different type of release for both.  The tops need to be needed, the bottoms need to let go and feel without the noise, the aftercare of real feelings although temporary.  

I'm rounding in circles - I realize this.