MY kind of temper tantrum that turns into cement.

How I Feel when i hear stupid shit


Where is my patience and understanding?  Where is my ability to put myself in someone else's shoes and empathize with how they are feeling?

It's here.  I take it out when i need it and I don't waste it on toxic, or emotionally abusive people. 

Just Shut. up.

Seriously.

I am immune. My bloodstream has been subjected to so much bullshit from people that I am no longer affected.  You can't squeeze a drop of guilt out of me.  I don't care.  For absolutely real. 

If you are poisonous, a user, a narcissist........move along.   I can see you coming a mile away and while you MAY be able to make some people feel like shit with your bullshit shenanigans, you are wasting your time with me.  I see you.  I see you for what you are.

And i will protect the ones i love from you.  I will repair the damage you have done, continue to do, because you can't see, won't see, anything but what you want.

I've been quiet.  I've been respectful when it wasn't due.  I've wasted a lot of time trying to get along with people who i'd rather never see again but i'm older now, stronger now, wiser now.

You need to be nice.  Be respectful.  Be grateful.  Or shut the fuck up around me.  Period.

Have a day you deserve.  And keep it to your own damn self. 

Taaaa.

recurring dream

I'm at my best friends mothers house and i'm there with my ex husband and two children (they are still small) There is sand all over the floor and i'm mad at him because he is sitting in the middle of it eating like nothing is wrong.  I'm telling him it has to be cleaned up or Maria will be angry with me.  It seems like he has bought a ton of junk food from a warehouse because it won't all fit in the cabinets.

My friend and her husband come "home" which isn't really their home.  She jokes with my ex husband, cajoling him and i feel him getting angry.  I'm afraid.  I start to clean up the mess and he starts yelling but cleaning it up.  I leave and go home to the house i grew up in.  I move my daughter out of her room (used to be my room) and put her in my bed (used to be my parents room).  I go and get my son who is a baby from the living room sleeping in a playpen.  I drag it down the hall and i hear the ex coming home so now i'm running to lock the doors to the bedroom.

He coax's me out of the room because he has Miyagi.  He says we are going out to dinner and for some reason i ride my own motorcyle and he drives a van.  It's an out door hot dog shack so i go stand in line and tell the guy behind the counter to call the police i'm being held against my will.  He says he knows.  He can tell.  My bike falls over and some little girl goes over and picks it up like its nothing.

A swat team arrives and my ex lets Miyagi go on purpose into the road.  I run after him and the police start shooting at my ex.  I pick up Miyagi and then i'm back at my friends house helping her clean the mess and my ex shows up.  I start yelling at him all the things that are wrong and he shows me he has tattooed his whole back and wants me to do the same.  I throw things at him. 
Thats all i can remember. 

one step forward

two steps back.

It is possible to have feelings for an ex AND have feelings for your spouse.

Just because something ended, it does not negate the time spent together in a relationship.

Current spouses are current BECAUSE they are preferred.  I'm not sure why anyone wouldn't understand that.

Trust.  When the trust is broken it's much easier to hate the ex of your spouse than to hold your spouse accountable for sketchy behavior.  Secrets breed mistrust.  Honesty isn't always easy but at least everyone is on board with the full story of their lives, not being misled.

I love Mike.  Very much, for many reasons.  We fit.  We are comfortable.  Our differences compliment each other.  I haven't felt this accepted, this calm, this secure- ever. I'm exactly where i am supposed to be and i have zero doubts about it.

Having said that, I do still harbor feelings for my ex.  I didn't know a breakup was going to happen.  I didn't have the time he did to get used to it and decide on it.  One day we were together and the next i'm sleeping downstairs and packing boxes to move.  It was rather abrupt.  The reasons don't really matter.  It happened and that part of my life is over.  I guess i didn't get over it quick enough for some people but some people don't matter to me.  Being honest, being real - that is what is important to me.

I know that it was the best thing. We should have ended at least a year before we did. Only good things have come from the breakup. Without it i wouldn't have had the time i needed to get to know "me" without a man.  I wouldn't have been able to face my fears, accept my faults, love my self as I am..without that breakup.  So painful yes, needed, also yes.

Now.  I have been asked how Mike feels about my writing about my ex. He doesn't seem bothered and he shouldn't be. Here's the thing.  I still mourn my past, the life that died with that relationship.  It was a living thing, healthy or not.  I mourn the loss of a home i loved, a town i loved, friends living close and traditions we shared.  Sometimes i remember good times with the ex and get nostalgic, but in no way do I regret that we went our separate ways. For a while i hated him for how he treated me.  I was very sad with him. We weren't friends.  He didn't share his life with me.  He couldn't.  I was the woman that got along with his friends, that wouldn't embarrass him, that got along with his family, that would always take his side, always had his back.  He was none of those things to me. So no, Mike has nothing to be bothered about because he IS all those things to me.  And more.

I frankly think it would be more weird and absurd NOT to think about times during 13 years of my life.  Kinda like hiding from something I am afraid of.  I'm not afraid, i have no regrets and I am content with my life.  Thoughts don't happen every day like they used to, or even every week - but when they do at least i have the strength to acknowledge them for what they are.  Memories of the past.  They weren't all bad.  And THAT should be celebrated.

New to me

Its kinda nice.  This feeling of having no immediate worries, or insecurity.  Makes it difficult to find something to vent about. 

A friend of mine posted a "challenge" of sorts a few days ago asking that we, me included, join her in a "Rampage of Appreciation" by taking our daily bitches and complaints and turning them around into something positive.  Do this for a month and see how your life changes.

I'm good, but i'm not giving up the opportunity for better.  On day 2 and it's still fun.  Talk to me on day 30.

When you remove the insecurities and the worries and the fear from your life you need to replace it with new feelings.  If you haven't ever lived without these negative feelings, it is just as scary trying to get used to the new ones.  I'm not going to articulate this well but i'm pretty positive there are readers who understand me perfectly.  Because they've been there.  And now they aren't.  Accepting positive reinforcement and acceptance as you are, no a celebration of who you are......it's a weird feeling.  This happy medium of having feelings that are not extreme - I was so good at extremes - being completely possessed in one relationship and completely ignored in another - it is sooooo good to be in the middle, with all the feelings in proper perspective.  

I hate gushing as much as crying.  But, i'd rather gush.  yeaaaaah!!

While i'm gushing I want to say how proud i am of my children.  The fact that they have supported themselves, lived on their own, never asked me for any financial help........it's damn impressive.  Everything they have they earned on their own. Their homes, their cars.....everything.  They both picked loving and supportive spouses to share their life with.  Considering their role model, i find that EXTREMELY impressive.  They paid for their continuing education, ever.y.thing.  They have never lived off the system, or me.  The more i learn about people, the more i realize how very lucky I am, and how very outstanding they are.  They came from nothing, with no leg up, and they have matured into people I am proud to know.

I wonder if i can get a loan?  hahahahaha

Just had to say it.  They know i love them, because i tell them.  I think they need to know how proud i am of them.  I'm going to tell them.  Over and over and over again.

Because my life?  It's fucking awesome.  It's time to get used to it.

Taaaaaa!

Here is as good a place as any

I've always had difficulties trusting in any relationship i've ever had.  Maybe its because my birth parents didn't give me up for adoption like they probably should have.  Maybe i would have had a normal, adjusted view of the world if the two people (or even just one) who were supposed to love me unconditionally actually did.  Instead, my sperm doner exited stage right and promptly gave me up to my step father, legally and in spirit.  Not such a loss, but still.

Then, my "mother" "raised" me by constantly pushing me away unless I served a purpose.  At age 16 i was more of a reminder than a daughter so out the door she shoved me, and locked it tightly behind me.  At least my sperm doner had the good grace to accept that he wanted nothing to do with me.  She couldn't bare for people to think badly of her, so she told everyone i ran away.

Laughable.  Really.  Especially when the police had to accompany the social worker and I to the house to get my meager belongings.  She stayed upstairs knowing i was packing up what little she had left me, after rummaging through my belongings and taking what she wanted.  Pictures? Things that would remind her of me?  No.  Curling irons, bedspreads, clothing that fit her. You know, things she could use.  At the time, i wasn't one of them.

It still brings me pain in my chest to remember the letters i wrote to her, my mother, asking to be able to return home.  Her one time response being that she "wasn't ready" for me to be in her life.  Like i did something to her.........like being born.

Do i need to go through and "unpack the baggage" ?  No.  I've done it over and over and over again until the feeling became so well worn that it's see through.  She did her damage in the short 16 years she had me with her.  My trust in people had been taken away from the one person who should have been the only one i could trust explicitly.

I'm not the only one.  My generation apparently began the throwing away of children fad.  When i see what goes on in the news i totally understand how we got here.  I understand.  I wasn't beaten, or sexually abused.  I was ignored.  Neglected.  Thrown away and forgotten.  There was no one to report this abuse to.......because in comparison it's really not comparable.  But it does leave scars.

I went along taking care of me, hating, healing and growing as best i could.  There were people who were there for me, but never without a personal agenda of some kind.  Never unconditional.  Never NOT contingent on an expected outcome.  I stopped talking about it.  I stopped thinking about it.  I moved on.

Then i had children and all the wounds re-opened.  How could a mother not know where her child was or if he or she was okay? The love and possession i felt of my babies completely knocked me to my knees.  It also blared out in all the colors "YOU were never loved like this". And yet, as much as i felt I apparently made the same mistakes my own mother did.  Do the exact opposite was the way i raised my children.  Because my mothers way hurt and damaged and left me handicapped emotionally.  I've always been extreme.  This way or that.  Black or white.  It doesn't work that way.  Guidance, temperance, instinct, those are a parents tools.  My toolbox was empty.  No-one ever filled it.  I believed the opposite of empty was full.  I was wrong.

My whole life has been a search for that love.  It's crazy and it's a tired subject (tired feeling) in my bones.  "get over it" is my least favorite saying because it's easy for someone who has had at least ONE person love them because they were worthy of being loved.  Not because they were needed, just because they existed.

So I learned quickly that it was love that needed to be earned.  Not respect.  Not independence or self confidence.  Not even self love.  I needed to be needed in order to be loved.  This is more common in people than you lucky people know.  I'd go so far as to say that it is MORE common when i see all the wounded over achievers.

Again i've been accused of sharing too much on THE INTERNET.  Like it's really so very important to anyone but me and the the people i'm referring to.  Again, I don't much care.  Because there are so many people who share my experience of never being able to trust that feeling of joy, or love, or acceptance......of never being able to relax and not feel the need to serve a purpose in someones life to hold a space there.......thats who this blog is for.  And for me.  ME.

When someone suggests I say too much I instantly know they don't understand and they are ashamed of whatever feelings are brought to the surface.  Yet, they still read on.  Judging, self righteous, better than me.  But guess what? Not everyone.

I bring this up because it's risen again, this feeling of not being what i'm supposed to be to someone else in order to keep their love.  It feels too big to wear.  I've outgrown it.  If at this point in my life i haven't earned the love and affection of people that i love.........then what more can i do about it.  No amount of jumping through hoops, or behaving in certain ways is going to earn that love.

It's okay for me to love and accept the way someone else loves me, just as it is.  The circus act or playing blind isn't happening anymore.  I am worthy, just as I am.  I have love to give, not force.  My love can be quiet in the background and still be no less.

Mr. who are you

Yesterday I ran out to the deli for lunch.  They know me there, mostly because i'm probably one of the few people who smuggle my dog in.  

So there i am chatting and making niceties at the deli, still smiling as i walk out the door which is being held open by.......a familiar guy.  why is he familiar? He's smiling really big like he knows me, did he just say "hi M"? .......oh!....heyyyyy.

As i say "how are ya?" and keep walking willing him not to try and carry on the conversation.  Gratefully he takes my continued walk away as a sign not to chat. I can't remember his name.  I didn't mean to be rude, nor did I want to be friendly in any way.

I did go out with him one time.  He turned it into a weird situation by constantly calling, texting and pretty much driving me up a wall.  However, his name completely escapes me.

Here's the funny part.  As soon as i got into my car i thought "oh god, please don't let this start a river of his texting me again" and by the time i got back to work, sure enough, my phone is bleeping.  The message from "unknown" is "are you interested in meeting up? or should i close this file".....

I text back "I'm seeing someone"

some time passes and I get this text - "you are seeing someone from primeAmerica?"

and I laugh so hard i just about pee my pants.  

I am an asshole.

The text was not from mr.waytoomuch, it was from a salesman that has been emailing, calling and now apparently texting me about a job I don't want.  His timing couldn't have been more perfect.

Sometimes, i take myself WAY too seriously.  I'm just glad i can get a good laugh at my own expense.

I'll do me

The thing about dating, looking for a mate in mid-life is that you no longer have tolerance for anything unacceptable.

Like, when you go on the first couple of dates of course you put your best foot forward, HOWEVER, in my case there was a mutual dumping of "this is the worst of me" and "this is who I am now and what i want" that took place the first time we met in person.  We had talked sporadically over a period of months- with me avoiding my attraction to him. The thought was that any male i am attracted to is an asshole and i needed to avoid that ever happening again.

Well THAT didn't work and i found someone JUST right for me.

The point is that when we are younger we want that other person the think we are as close to perfect as it gets, for as long as possible.  When you get to my place in life, you want to know all the dirt and give all the dirt right off the bat - take it or leave it- before you invest years into a person that, lets be honest, is not going to change drastically.

He told me some pretty hairy stories that first day.  I thought to myself, "holy shit" and then I realized i had some hairy stories of my very own.  I gave him credit for owning his past.  I have respect for people who know their faults, and don't try to play them off as assets.  In other words, someone who knows themselves, knows they aren't perfect and is or has worked on making better choices, yet still accepts who they are.  That's a man.  To me.

Okay, so thats all well and good but what are my faults MB?  I'm nosy.  That's one that has, depending on how you look at it, been an asset and a fault.  Mostly, it's gotten me information that I did nothing with because my stupid heart spoke louder.  Ah, so being a pushover WAS a fault but I believe i've corrected that one.  The nosiness?  It's still there, loud and proud.  I need to know.  Everything.  About everyone.  Ever.

I know a few people like that.  ehem.

I've sat and looked at peoples facebook pages and thought sarcastic and mean things.  I'm human.  And then i correct myself because..........really?  Why am i doing it?  I have a full and complete life with opportunities for growth in abundance.........and i'm wasting my time on making myself feel like shit.  So THERE is another fault.  I ruin my own peace, alllllll by myself.

You know i had to check out the ex's right?  Not mine.  His.  It's just so damn easy now.  Plus, I always wonder (goddammit MB stop wondering) what the other side of the story is.  With lovely facebook, you can get a pretty good idea.  I know the last one was........difficult.  Reading her posts I kinda felt like I knew how she felt - "looking for that real love"......while you are in a relationship.  HOWEVER, i heard the other side and it wasn't a pretty story.  I've seen the proof of that story with my own eyes.  So, she may have blamed him, and had her friends believing it was all him- but i wonder if she told the complete story and the part she played in it.

Well, i don't really wonder.  I'm trying not to ruin my own peace.  Remember?

Here's what i do wonder.  What was my part in the decline of my last relationship?  Why do i care?  Because i don't want to repeat it and ruin this one.  I want to learn from my mistakes and hell, make NEW ones if need be.  Aside from the obvious self serving errors, like, purposely being blind, looking the other way, allowing myself to feel responsible for his behavior, not speaking up loudly enough, and frankly, not leaving when I knew he was only ever using me.

He used to tell me I cared too much.  Is that a fault?  To him it was, but i don't trust the source.  I asked too many questions.  I "always want to fight".........oh, and I'm crazy.  I think i covered his list of what is wrong with me.  Pretty standard complaints from a guy who is cheating, or doing things he knows damn well you aren't going to like, or stick around for.

Tell you what, the day Mike calls me crazy in THAT way is the day i call the movers.  Fuck that noise.  I may be nosy but crazy, i'm not.  I just want the truth.  Even when it sucks.  And I won't be tolerating any more of that bullshit from anyone, ever, again.

Quieting or silencing myself to save someone elses pride is also not a huge concern for me anymore.  Not that i want to run around outing people and shaming them, but if it happens to me, it happens to me.  I get to tell it the way I felt it.

I thought about making this blog private after finding out who was reading it.  Now it makes it hard to be genuine and not take shots.  But you know what?  I'm up for the challenge.  This is my place, and you are welcome to stay and have your own opinions.  Hell, sit there and have fun hating on me if that is how you need to fill your time. I'm going to keep doing me.  I'm not worried about you. 


Taaaaa!