Butt Hurt

I did it again.  Got exctied about somone i was talking to for a few days and actually believed he was sincere.  I did meet  him on POF so i don't know why i'm so surprised. He seemed smart, witty, on the same page....a little gun shy too.....I really didn't expect to get ghosted. 

The ability to read people used to be a skill i had, and it seems to have disapeared.  

The ones i like turn out to be either married or just liars, nothing what they represent themselves to be.  These same guys are the ones who complain about scammers, or being catfished.  

It's all complete bullshit.  Dating is dead.  Men just want to "meet up" and fuck.  As soon as they catch on to the fact that i'm not about that.......*POOF i get ghosted. 

Thing is they usually come sniffing around again a few days later, with some bullshit (and unwanted) excuse.  Thats when they get deleted, and blocked.  No answer.  You wasted enough of my time already and i'm not given you ONE more opportunity.  

Sex is easy to find, it's everywhere.  I could, and have, made a phone call and gone out to get what was needed.  It's not a dirty secret anymore that women can have their sexual needs met without the mess of a relationship. It's not just for you MEN anymore.....

But fucking isn't a relationship.  It's maintanence.   Not even close to what i want. 

I spent literally months going back and forth with a man who i actually felt kind of bad for.  This poor guy, worked all the time, third shift, and only relative was his mother in a different state.  He never tried to lead me into sexting, never asked me for more pictures, he was just a "normal" guy that had little time to date. So he SAID.  At one point before christmas i had said to him that there was no point continuing with the texting if we weren't going to meet each other.  So we stopped.  And then a couple of months later started back up again, i can't even remember why.  This time we are going to meet he says, and then OF COURSE his mother falls sick the weekend we are supposed to meet and blah blah...i go through the whole "Don't worry, we'll meet later, no biggie" only to find out later that the fucker is not only a liar, but an expert liar with no fucking remorse.  Sociopath.    

I'll say this.  My slueth skills are on point.  I know how to find shit out.  Even when i'm not even trying.  I always do a basic google search on someone i'm going to go out with and i don't make a secret of it.  I don't care what your finances are, i just don't take anyones word anymore that they are single or not a violent offender.  If you have a past of beating women up, i'm not signing up for the next round.  This guy had no digital footprint at all.  Until he did.  

That situation upset me not because of HIM so much but becuase I had fallen for the bullshit yet again.  And wasted my time, again.  Got excited about possibilities, again.  So am i learning here, or not? I'm not ready to give up.  I'm not desperate to find a man either.  Is it so wrong to want love?  The kind that actually feels good and isn't toxic or disfunctional?  I'd like to experience that before i die.

I love men that can't love me back.  No amount of therapy has cured me of that.  The difference is that i don't love myself less than them anymore.  I can love you from a distance and never speak a word to you again.  I do have boundaries to protect myself now.  Thats what therapy gave me.

I try not to take it personally, or let a few jerks ruin my outlook on men in general.  I'm still emotionally available, even if physically limited due to the pandemic. 

Anyway, back to doing me and not having to worry about being lied to or cheated on.  I can focus on work, and do whatever i want whenever i want without anyones approval or disapproval.  Or love.  

Happy New Year

 Welcome 2021!  So far, i've had Covid-19, and broken my upper ankle by falling down the stairs.  

It's February 18th.  I've got a long way to go before 2022 so i better correct this trend.

Living situation: Changed.  I now have a roommate and live in a cute little town with a walking trail and 2 breweries within fairly decent walking distance.  The first couple of months were a bit stressful, with all of us adjusting to me being here, and me trying to find space in my new lodging.  It feels like everything has begun to settle and become our new normal.  I feel like moving here was a good decision. 

Work:  Same as it can be in a position that changes and evolves daily.  Covid has changed our world and how we fit into it, i don't care who you are.  I had very strong anxiety going into work every day in a hospital, feeling like i was playing russian roulette and wouild eventually get shot with the Covid bullet.

Since i've had and survived the virus, i'm more relaxed and less fearful for myself, however more fearful for others.  I'm grateful to have a job in this pandemic when so many do not.  

Men:  um. Same as always as far as I would like to share.  I do date, responsibly.  I do go out and interact with potential partners.  It's not the same as it was last year, or the year before however, the goal is the same.  To find the "one" perfect guy for me.  

Some people, generally those who already have a spouse, think i shouldn't be dating.  That i should wait until this pandemic is over.  Who is to say i will survive that long?  As long as i'm responsible I have no guilt at wanting to live the life i have, albeit altered.  I'm not in a hurry, and i've been selective.  Also, i'm an adult and other peoples opinions on my romantic life doesn't affect how i live it.

i'm getting so much better at following my instincts and acknowledging red flags when they appear.  I only wish i had these skills years ago when i really needed them.  

Married men still put themselves forth as single, Single men still shop online for a new woman a day, and there are definitely predators aplenty on the dating sites.  BUT there are also normal red blooded men who are looking for the same thing I am.  It's a game of chance, and of being extremely honest in an environment where honesty is rare.

Someone i want to spend time with, and want to talk to.  Someone who challenges my thoughts, someone i respect, and feel safe with ---someone i can't wait to see.  That someone is worth waiting for.

2021 is a continuance of growth and acceptance.  It is a year for me to stop worrying about what happens next and just take it as it comes.  Nothing is carved in stone.  I'm a free agent - and that means anything can happen.

Happy New Year.  Make it a good one. xoxoxo

Dodged a bullet

I specifically post this picture on my dating profile because it's an indication that i like to ride.  

Every man i've ever ridden with has been respectful, intelligent, driven and yes, pretty damn badass.  

Every man i've ridden with.

I've been offered many rides i haven't taken.

Case in point.  The last guy, supposedly the President of some club i searched for and could not find ANY record of anywhere, not even a mention......he wanted to take me out for lunch, and a long ride.

Okay.

So I say, lets meet and have drink somewhere.  Not a date, a meet.  Lets lay eyes on each other and see if there's any interest, any connection.  I'm not dating your bike.  

He agrees, seems happy about it and then immediately before we are supposed to go he backs out.  Says he wants to come pick me up the next day and spend the day together.

um.....no.

I say, hey, it's cool.  We can meet somewhere Saturday and........have a drink.  not a date, a meet.  Lay eyes on each other and see if theres any interest.  

He says "you really wont go for a ride with me?"

I said " I really won't get on a strangers bike, no"

Okay so in the spirit of being honest i will say that this hasn't always been the case.  ehem.  But that was then and this is now.)

This dude ghosted me.  Hey, it happens to the best of us.  

And in this particular case, because he was SO adamant  and SO offended that i wouldn't let him pick me up on his bike....I have to wonder, what the hell did he WANT.  If if was me, he wouldn't have had a problem with meeting me first.  Matter of fact, he should have been the one demanding it. 

I dodged a bullet.  I know i did.  

One

I am not the woman who entertains you while you look for someone better.

I am not the woman who cares for you while you look for someone better.

I do not give you the affection and attention that only someone in an actual relationship with me gets while you look for someone better

I do not short change myself by wasting a moment on you once I find out that you are still searching for someone after having been intimate with me.

I am soft, chunky, giggly, smiley, sexy, smart, loyal, sentimental, resourceful, loving, demonstrative and worth it....but I am not the one.

Off my chest

Last night i tossed and turned and woke up from dreams that had me thinking in the middle of the night and that is NEVER a great sign that all is right in my world.

So here I am.

How is it, that when i'm looking for a partner the market is a barren waste land?  When i finally decide that this looking and dating and game playing is no longer fun and  quite a bit awful it's open season on hunters.

They always circle back.  Women who have done this online bullshit know this is true.  You get put into a cycle and eventually.....they.come.back....You have two choices.  You can entertain the bullshit or you can block them.  Lets face it, no self respecting woman wants to be circled back on after a guy has determined he can't do better than you or that you are just good enough to get him through till the next opportunity.

Ah, yes.  Jaded a small wee bit. 

Or just experienced and realistic.

When i moved, I decided it was a great time to make some small changes in my life and that the first one would be NO MORE DATING.  I'm all about making new friends, going out casually to get to know people and coming back home, alone, with no "i'm thinking about you" texts.  No expectations, no attempted awkward kissing - NO LOOKING.

And.......the flood begins.  The barren dessert of my dating choices has become a tropical forest.  Because i can't.  Because i won't.  Because i simply don't know how to choose a partner that is trustworthy and good for me.

When a beautiful tall man with a buttery accent shows an interest in me I think "huh, what the hell is wrong with him? or what does he want from me?" When he fills all the basic checks of grown up man taking care of his life and self...and he actively pursues me.....I think "Is this some kind of game because i'm new? Is there some kind of horrible bet on the table?"  (okay yes, i've determined i am officially jaded) I throw up all the road blocks. 

Is it normal to have a man want to know what book you are reading when you tell him you aren't going to meet him out because you are heading to bed with your book?  Is it normal for him to call you on his way out to see a band you both enjoy to tell you about the first book he bought and read as an adult?  Which....is a huge hook for me.  He's good.  To have a man tell me that friends is better than nothing and that he just wants to know me.

I stand firm in my decision. It's a curse for me that any man who tells me i'm beautiful, interesting - who asks me questions about what i THINK and how i FEEL about life and situations - who ANSWERS me with thoughtful and sometimes opposite opinions......why do i run?  Why do I not believe that this kind of man is good for me.

I'd rather stress over the ones who don't call, aren't reliable, don't have their act together - compliments are connected to ulterior motives and basically, just don't feel good to me.  I'm working SO HARD to love myself, to know i'm worthy, to know that the shitty relationships i held on to were because of my missing pieces....the role i need to repeat over and over again until I can see it, change it and heal myself.

Until then, I cannot choose partner.  Dating is a waste of time because to me - the goal has always been to find my ........soulmate.........urgh, yes i said that. 

Is it this fucking complicated for everyone?  Because seriously.  I've got other shit to do. 
And i'd like to sleep. 

let it go and maybe help someone else also

baby take my hand we'll be alright

It's been a while - I keep wanting to write a new entry and then i just don't.

So here i am, sitting on my unmade bed looking at my apartment, in it's final stages of being dismantled, after a year of putting it together "just so".

I'm moving.  An opportunity was offered and I jumped at it.  Even though i love where i am, am happy where I am, will miss where I am.  I came full circle here, in the nest i created.  And now i'm going to leave it.  Ugh.  I must be crazy.

For so long I haven't known who I am.  Where do my likes start? My wants.  They've always been tied into a man, or in pursuit of a man.....a partner.  I've always been afraid of being alone.  Wanting to make every decision with someone.  I never learned how to just...be me. Everyone tells you this, it should be common sense, but until it clicks for you it's all just words.  Words that mean nothing because you can't understand until you suddenly, do.

Years ago I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day.  I started in high school so i could hang out near the boy i liked. (see???) I was an expert quitter.  I did it all the time, really well.  Finally one day I drove myself to a walk in clinic because i could not breathe.  I thought, well, here is when i find out i'm dying.  They made me breathe in a nebulizer  (however thats spelled) not once, but three times.  It's a machine  they add medicine to that you inhale through vapor....I was able to suck in a deep breath and not cough.  A breath so deep i was taking oxygen from my tippy toes.....and i did NOT cough..i could breath.  I thought....I want to feel this all the time.  THIS is what normal people breath like....

Even then, it took me a couple of months to prepare for the quitting.  I did what i needed to do and then finally one day I jumped.  I just stopped.

Anyone who tells you they quit smoking cold turkey and it was easy is a fucking liar.  It was pure and utter hell.  Now that i'm past it, i'm glad it was because i will NEVER put myself through that again.   I did it though, and i am proud of myself.  It took long enough, but i finally decided i wanted better.

Then, i went through some other major life changes and ended up moving out of the first place i had ever felt like home, in a town i felt like home, around friends that made me feel like family.  My life pretty much imploded and i felt a complete loss of control on top of some heartbreak.

I'm here to tell you, you get over heartbreak.  You don't think you will.  But you do.  Because time happens and life happens and ....because it's not meant to be a permanent condition.   It hurts and it hurts a lot, because you are meant to want better....

So i moved in with my bestie, i'm not sure if i was given a choice. I rented a room in her home with her family and i was never alone.  I went through the stages.  I was depressed, angry, sad..all of the things but most importantly.....directionless.  I didn't know my life.  I wanted to recognize myself, my life, my future.  The first thing i did was date like a crazy woman.  I feel like I blew through dates like a bowling ball striking down pins.  I was on a mission to find my partner but....i didn't even know myself without one.

Which set me up for falling for the first smiling face that treated me kindly and wanted to be around me, talk to me, listen to me talk.....and kiss me.  I fell for the feeling of being loved and accepted and wanted........and it never occurred to me that he could not possibly do any of those things because I did not even know myself.  How could he?

I had another lesson to learn, and this time I didn't take months to figure it out.  I realized it and faced it head on.  We parted ways.

You think i learned don't you?  Hahaha

I went straight back to bowling.  No, i did not say balling.  In that i was selective.  Thank you goddess.

I dated some nice men.  I made it my mission to date only happy, friendly, outgoing males......no more moody mother fuckers.  And i must say- happy guys are a hell of a lot more fun.  I just couldn't feel that connection beyond enjoying their company as friends.  "that" feeling of wanting to partner up just hasn't happened.

So finally i stopped.  Honestly I became interested in someone who was not available to me.

Here's my turning point when i started to question my own wants, what are they?

I want to breathe...take a huge suck of oxygen down to my tippy toes and not have it choke me.  I want to feel the way normal people feel.

Life happens when you aren't paying attention, it's so true.  I've been making decisions and tough choices all by MYSELF.  I've been taking care of what needs taking care of. Improving my life, taking part in it..........choosing what i want to do, or not.  I've found a creative streak that i'm giving some attention to, and tomorrow i have my first evaluation at the new job i started 6 months ago.  The job i pursued, and got because i made the decision to go for it.  Not because i was forced.

Now i'm moving into a bigger place and i'm healthier financially than i ever have been.  I'm not stopping, i'm just getting started.  I guess i've always had to chew on things for a while before i let someone else decide if i was going to do it or not.  Now, i don't have either problem standing in my way.

It feels so good to feel normal.  Don't worry, i'm totally not.  Never will be.  But at least i can breathe.