Walking Barefoot in Snow

I believe in Karma.  What you put in to this life will come back to you, eventually.  The choices you make, the paths you choose, the people you love or hurt - it will always circle around.  We don't see it when we are in it.  Or, we see it and don't care. We don't always think about how actions that feel wonderful in that moment will stay with us a lifetime, and may be a lot less than wonderful.  May in fact change your life from good to a living hell.  Or maybe your life IS a living hell and you don't see it until it smacks you in the face so hard you can't ignore it any more.  And maybe that painful smack is the best thing that could have ever happened to you.  Karma is not a punishment.  Karma is what you are coming right back at you. No one is perfect.  Everyone has done something they wish they hadn't, or hurt someone they wish they hadn't.  Everyone has regret of some kind, large or small. Karma is there to re-direct yo...

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" Maya Angelou Back to that thought in a moment.  First, i want to write about my experience as a person in a wheelchair at a casino.  My foot is broken.  Don't know how or when it happened (thats the fun part) but it took me about 3 weeks to finally go to the doctor with my swollen mystery foot to find out.  Of course now i'm not supposed to walk on it, just in time to go to a concert at the casino. I could easily have cancelled but i've never seen a Backstreet Boys concert and I was curious.  My girlfriend invited me to go along with her, her 14 year old daughter and her friend. Can't forget Fergie.  I didn't understand a word she was saying but it looked fun.  Love is blind  It was a night out with my friend more than going to a concert, at least for me.  So we checked our coats and I got myself a wheelchair that she pushed me around in all night. At first, i ...

yeah, so i went through old texts today.......because i'm a glutton for punishment. The ones i shared with Mike in the beginning have "fallen off"....which makes me sad because i wanted to re-visit that.  Stupid.  I know.  I have the flesh and blood man, texts don't come close to him. THEN i re-read some other texts and finally re-read some of the ex's texts.  Mostly i'm pissed at myself for being such a .....pathetic creature.  How embarrassing to go back and see the state I was in.....at least i didn't beg.  I AM a grown up.  Re-reading the texts made me glad i'm not sitting at home waiting for him anymore.  I'm glad i'm not the one trusting him, half ass or otherwise.  There's no hate, but there are still thoughts.  Memories.  Anger.  Nostalgia.  No regret.  yet.  I'm waiting for that to stop because it feels strange when it happens.  I feel disappointed in myself.  I also know that it's goin...

Matt, oh Matt.  How could you?  First it was Kevin, then Louie and now you.   I guess i don't understand what it's like to be a man.  Or to raise a man like you - because i'm QUITE sure that my son hasn't and wouldn't act like any of you.  He was raised by me.   I talk to him, have always talked to him AND my daughter about topics that many shy away from, or "protect" children from. The kind of protection that allows someone to victimize your children because they don't know how to respond to a predators advances. BUT Pedophilia is a completely separate topic and should not be assumed to be part of my thought process at this moment.   There are people out there having a hard time distinguishing the difference between victimizing a child, or an able minded adult.(Kevin??) Men/anyone who is using their power or position to force women/anyone into a situation they are forced into, need to pay a price for their behavior.  Bec...

I am grateful for this cup of steaming black coffee and the last piece of apple crumb pie that i just ate for BREAKFAST., Happy Thanksgiving!  Really.  I mean it.  No sarcasm.  It's early, the house is quiet aside from the "tinks" that come from the heat occasionally.  Heat.  I'm so grateful for HEAT that comes on with the flick of a switch.  My eyes popped open this morning and my little love was curled up next to me instead of my big love...like he knew i needed the reminder that i am his first love.  I am grateful for Miyagi, the 5 pound furry little ferocious (he thinks so) beast that literally saved my sanity.  I am grateful for his wiggly welcome back dance, his licks, his head butts, his happy bark and his soulful eyes that balance his adorable underbite.   I am his.  I gave myself to his unconditional love the moment i met him and it was the best thing I ever did.  Just like i gave myself over to the myth o...

You know how you think something is going to be quick and easy and you are completely wrong?  Yeah, that is me.  Always.  I should know to add about 6 months minimum to any "weekend" project i think i'm going to accomplish. But it's okay.  Anything good is worth waiting for.  I just need a few more hours in the day, and eventually i'm going to have that.  Just not now.  I'm trying to stock up on supplies that will be needed on those snow days I am "stuck" at home......hahahaha "stuck"......i'm actually wishing for snow.  Shhhhh.  All day in the house to work on my projects with loud music accompanied by horrid singing and bad dancing.....sounds lovely to me.  That or chanting monks and lit candles.....who knows.  Like Bobbie sang, it's my prerogative. And food.  I'm making my list of food to stock up on for the marathon cooking and freezing i have planned, in my head. This week i'm going to attack the mysterious free...

It seems that there is always at least one person I love that has to be angry and or disatisfied with me.  My life can never be 100% good. That's not true though, because I'm not that woman anymore. I'm sorry if anyone I care about is upset with me but this is my life and I'm living it the way I see fit.  With no apologies. I love my family, my friends and my man. That should be enough. If it's not, and anyone feels the need to pass judgement on me or my choices that is not my problem. Sorry you don't agree or approve. I still love you. I'm still making my own choices. Push me away with hurtful comments, tell me how little my being in your life matters.....i still love you. I'm not going to force you to share my happiness but I do want you to look deep and ask yourself why.  Why does my finally being happy make you so angry?  My family. My friends. My man. (Boyfriend sounds so childish) I love each one but I will not be shit on by anyone. Ever. Again...

This morning i had a conversation with someone i know  through work that has really given me some perspective.   Both her children are in the armed forces AND work as police officers.  Last year around this time both were deployed within a month of each other and her brother, who lived with her, passed away a month later.   She told me she didn't know how she did it, she just kept going. The holidays are upon us and my bad habit of getting myself all crappy about it has started.  But why?  My children are safe and happy.  I am with a man I love who treats me like gold.  I have much to be grateful for.  There is no reason to carry the old negativity by rehashing the past over and over as far back as i can remember. She kept going.  And things WILL get better eventually.  I know this first hand.  

This morning i had extra time to spare before going in to work so i stopped at the local deli and ordered an egg sandwich.  I go there often, as most around here do, and they know me mostly because of Miyagi usually being in my arms.  If i go in without him, they want to know where he is.  Anyway, any single women looking to meet men - go into your local deli in the morning when all the workmen are on their break and getting their breakfast.  Trust me.  Do it.  If you like that kind of man it's a candy store. This morning I felt like the special.  This hasn't happened to me in a while which is why I can now say with proof that attractiveness is in your attitude and how you hold yourself.  Mike makes me feel gorgeous.  He never stops telling me, and touching me, and putting me first.  Now, should self satisfaction come from someone on the outside telling us?  Maybe not.  Of course not.  HOWEVER, to have a man look at me t...

Probably i've mentioned that holidays aren't my favorite.  In recent years they have gotten better in some regards and stayed the same in others.  Lets just say that while others may be all excited i'm usually trying to find a hole to go hibernate in till it's all over. The man i called Dad was not my biological father.  When he married my mother (#2 husband) he wanted me to take his last name also so he adopted me.  Where HE fully claimed me, his family, not so much.  I wasn't "blood", i was Kathy's kid from another man.  (Who, incidentally, gave up his rights to me without a glance backward) Usually, this didn't effect me until the holidays - when the other grandchildren, the blood relatives, would get boxes and boxes of gifts from the aunties and uncles and i would get a card from my grandmother.  I did have one favorite auntie who would always give me a gift.  I adored her.  She made me feel included as much as she could.  I rememb...

This is my favorite time of year.... I love everything about it, temps cooler in the evening with sunny days and crisp air.  That smell, even though it's rotting leaves, okay..........the colors, the way the sun seems brighter to me........ I love not having to wear a winter coat or worry about snow and ice, but getting to wear jeans and cozy sweaters. I start to get that hibernating urge and i collect "projects" and books to keep me occupied in preparation for the winter.  I pack away the summer clothes and take out the winter clothes which always feels like getting new clothes to me.  Even so, I can't wait to finish my "closet" which is a whole room.  I feel so lucky to have a whole room to put just my "stuff" in.  A total girl room. White furs, crystals, mirrors, plush, soft.......like me.  I don't just feel lucky.  I AM lucky. Unpacking is pretty much done.  I threw a lot out.  I have a huge box of things to bring to Good Will and...

This is a question I always ask anyone who comes to me upset about relationship problems.  The point being that over time, THIS particular situation that has you so upset?  It probably won't matter in a year. I can't remember the date I told my ex I wanted a divorce.  I can't remember the date of when I moved out finally- still married and still too poor to file.  I remember the events, but the dates don't stand out because in my head I was already long gone.  I had already left him, many times over in my mind.  That looks nasty in print.  But truth is truth and thats what i tell.  At that point, his feelings really meant nothing to me.  That rubber band of caring had been snapped for the last time.  Don't get me wrong, i felt for his pain from a distance, but as a participant?  No.  So when it was my turn years later to have my life end as i knew it - I recognized that he had already been long gone.  Again, truth is...

wow.  just. wow. someone contacted me in order to let me know that she had a "thing" with my ex while we were together.  i'm soooo shocked.  Right. I did not respond because #1 not my problem and #2 not my problem.  Don't know what her motivation is, considering it's been a while since that would be valuable information to me.  Seems like he has a lot of disillusioned females in his past.  He hit on my friends for christ sake, so this is not the most shocking thing i've learned since the breakup.  I AM hoping its the last.  I know, we all wish our ex's would vanish off the face of the earth.  Anyways, the parts WE are inhabiting.  I'm all set with the updates and the "you should know" messages.  There isn't anything i need to know.  Or want to know.  Okay?  So take me off the person who is interested list. I can't wait till the time comes where no-one remembers we were together.  Including me. ...

Every time i start to wish someone ill will I caution myself that what I send out into the world comes back to me threefold...... It's pretty easy to hate people.  Sometimes its almost impossible not to feel ill even thinking about some......... but it's all in how you look at it.  What is it that is making you dislike ( or stronger, hate) that person? Once i identify what it is, it's only a matter of changing my thinking.  Actively, with purpose - changing my mind and my thoughts regarding that person. It doesn't mean i all of a sudden love them, or like them, or want to even be around them.  It just means that I don't have to hold any space in my head, or heart for them anymore.  My feelings aren't something that applies to them in any way, any more. I recently saw a picture of my ex with his baby mama.  My first response to said picture was "ewwwwww" and then "grrrrrrrr"  and then........."man do i feel sorry for her".  ...

It is a real joy being in a relationship with a man who is technically challenged.  His phone is for calling people, and texting.  Occasionally looking for car parts, craigs list, etc.... He has facebook and knows the basics on how to use it.  No messenger even. No secret relationships taking place online. No hiding his phone OR having a second phone I don't know about. No calling or texting ex girlfriends, or sending them pictures, or bitching about the life he has now.   He is a welder.  He is responsible.  He owns his home, pays his bills, prioritizes his needs and wants, and is VERY good with his hands.  I mean, he works on his own home..........of course. ehem.   I look at this man, and i can't believe he's mine.  So masculine and yet, such a sweetheart.  So giving, but not with motivation or manipulation.  He thinks i'm the shit.  I think he's restoring my faith in how real men ...

I gave myself a little pep talk this morning about eating right and laying off the sugar......the only thing bothering me lately is my pants size and i'd like to get it down to where i'm most comfortable.  I don't think it's unreasonable.  Just gonna require some self control and a some movement. Felt pretty good about it too.......and then I stuffed two donuts into my mouth 10 minutes after arriving at work.  WHY?! Well it would have been kinda rude not to. Really. I arrived at my office door to find a chair right in front of it with a box of donuts and a note on top.  It was left by a faculty member as a "tangible thank you" for my assistance with a problem he had last week.  What a nice surprise - to be thanked.  I mean, the donuts were not necessary but they were a nice touch. It's actually a little embarrassing but since i'm not keeping this huge box in my office to tempt me and i can't rip the top off where the note is written - f...

Two things drive me insane, in a bad way - People who drive 60 mph in the left lane with no-one in front of them and a long line of traffic behind them.  Are you blind?  Do you not understand that the middle or right lane is just as paved as the left?  You are the cause of accidents because people are zipping in and out of lanes trying to get AROUND you, in the passing lane.  Where you are traveling.  Slowly.  Asshole.  Highway driving is going to make me into a monster.  ok.  It has made me into a monster.  I don't care. SECOND- I don't give a shit who uses the public bathroom.  I don't care what parts they have.  There are stalls and i don't need to verify if someone is packing or not.  Peeing in public is already bad, and filthy.  I'm busy trying not to touch anything, not checking to see if that bearded lady is actually a man.  SO when my work decided to make the private bathrooms on my floor (one t...

This commute has been........interesting.  It takes me a minimum of 45 minutes each way during rush hour traffic - the entire trip on highways.  I think it was when i drove to NY to see my daughter - that i lost any inhibitions I had about highway driving.  The ex had said he would go with me and then that morning something better came up (his new screw) so I went anyways, by myself.  I'm grateful because if i hadn't gone alone and gotten over my anxiety this commute would leave me without a job.  It allowed me to meet Mike. Getting over my fear of the highway opened up my world. That is a pretty massive change for me, this ability to drive anywhere and not feel terrified.  I still hate tunnels but i've even done THAT without the heart palpitations.  It's amazing what a person can do when they have to.  It has allowed me to be free, to go wherever i want whenever i want, with or without company.  I don't rush home everyday, and generall...

Yes.  We are still in that sweet stage that makes everyone but us want to vomit.  I don't see any end to it, at least not that soon.  When two people who have been so sad for so long find each other and all the parts match up perfectly.......it's a time to celebrate and appreciate. Its not fair to compare past relationships to my present one and yet, i do find myself noticing the differences - of course a lot can't compare because it simply has never happened before.  Like this trust feeling.......something i flat out told previous men would never occur because i just never knew how.  I've learned that you CAN'T learn to trust, its there - or not.  This isn't to say i haven't trusted my ex's with many things, just not EVERYTHING........i've always held a piece back for myself because I knew even in the beginning that they were temporary and that they would hurt me.  Was this their fault or mine?  Both.  It was mine for staying in relations...

....it feels AMAZING to be gently kissed on the forehead during an embrace that happens just because....... This is what it feels like?  Not overbearing and all consuming - just fits perfectly into my life, wraps around it and keeps it warm and safe.  It's the coat in my winter, the cool breeze on a summer day.....compliments whats already there and makes it that much better because it is. This is love? It's about goddamned time. 

The alarm goes off and I quick sit up and turn it off hoping that it hasn't taken him out of a deep sleep.  I throw my legs over the side of the bed and begin to stretch so i'm not tempted to move over instead, and curl up next to him.  I'm starting to come awake, fully - good.  Stand up, look over at him - feel grateful that he comes to bed so quietly at night that I barely wake up - so nice to be considered, and taken care of in that way.  Our shifts are different, our sleep schedules have potential to be a problem without the proper regard for each other.  It's there, that regard.  And it's nice. On my way to work in the morning I see two small dogs with wheeled carriages as their back legs being walked up the street either by a woman or a man.  I'm assuming they are a couple, the people.  That or there is an abundance of dogs without the use of their back legs...........  They a running with their little tongues out and ears flying back...

I purchased a ring for myself. This is what is engraved on it: "If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask their forgiveness. If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them. And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that. For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself." I do. So should you.

This weekend has been filled with dust, sweat, heat, work, laughter, "breaks", seriousness, shopping, laundry, and general "where do we start?" ..... It hit me in the middle of moving furniture and not even bothering to wipe the sweat pouring off me....i fucking love it all, and everybody. I can't look at that smile, those blue eyes...and feel anything but...free. odd word to use right?  We have been working together on the hottest most humid day and at times literally just laying on the floor trying to cool off and not ONE cranky word or vibe has passed.  That's new. For me. I'm not holding my breath, being pulled down with negativity or having to leave the area due to filthy looks being thrown my way. He is happy to consider and implement every damn thing I've suggested without an ounce of frustration or having to make me feel like I'm asking for the moon to shoot out his ass for my entertainment. I'm not used to this.  I also know that ...

I'm moving in with Mike in less than a week.  Changing my address and my life, again. Fast.  yes. Why?  Because i'm pregnant. No, because I WANT to, because there is no reason NOT to (and i have dug deep to find just one reason). Am i giving up a dream of owning my own home?  No.  I am moving in with the man i want to be with into his home, yes.  Is it possible that it won't work?  yes.  Anything is possible - I know that first hand.   I know how to move like a champ now. Does that scare me?  Hell no. What scared me was wondering if I would ever want to share my life with someone again.  What scared me was wondering if a part of me had died out of disappointment and disillusionment .  What scared me was thinking i would never trust again, never feel that feeling of longing to be with that one man, and the happiness that fills me when I am.  What scared me was the idea of living alone with a bunch of animals actuall...

Last night i had one of my dreams - where i know it's a dream, and i'm participating in it. He was in it, and I wasn't mad, or sad, or even disturbed - just completely adamant that he not continue to pop up in my life anymore.  I got to say what i wanted, what was true to me if not him and finally to be set free from any kind of caring.  Hopefully he got the message.   I have no desire to be included in the list of ex girlfriends and safety net checks that get called on rotation.  I do not want pictures of what is going on in his life any more than i want to share what is going on in my life with him.  It's none of his business.   My happiness gets shared with my loved ones - and this blog.  A little.  He  is my past and i am looking toward my future. I did domestic things this weekend.  Started to find my place in MM's home, soon to be my home as well.  From the moment i walked in the door I loved the feel of the house, reminde...

Know why?  Because i've always been cautious and it never saved me any aggravation.  If anything it prolonged it. I'm happy.  The kind of happy i've never experienced before.  No pressure, no have too's, no worrying about what anyone thinks, or feels, or says.......my eyes are wide open and i can't see a thing to run from or throw a caution flag on. Its new.  We are crazy.  And we don't give a care.  I've waited my whole adult life for this man and i'm not wasting any more time.  It feels good to be cared about and to have him let me care about him.  It feels good to TALK to him and to listen to what he has to say.  It feels good to feel that fire and also the laughter, the mutual respect, the mutual need for more of each others company.  The inability to keep our hands off each other.  He's hot and he's smart and he's all grown up.  He takes care of himself AND me when i'm with him, and i plan on being with him a LOT....

I should know by now not to make any definitive statements about future events i have not yet experienced.  I usually end up eating my words. Gimme that humble pie......i'll eat the whole thing if it means I get to be happy.  Not the surface, blind, fleeting happiness that i've had in the past.  This is a real, deep and calm happiness.  The kind you know that no matter how far you dig down, you can keep digging -  and never hit bottom. I didn't think he even existed, but he does. I can be with a man who sets my world on fire, making me forget any other man AND is responsible, grown up, able to take care of himself and WANTS to have me be part of his life.  Only me.  I CAN in fact be enough for a man.  I'm not "too much" as i have been told by lesser men.   You know the best part?  I don't have to dull my light to let his shine.  I don't have to be less of me for him to be comfortable.  I don't have to slow down, speed u...

This smiling business begins to hurt after a while......seems that genuine and joy filled smiles may use more face muscles than I thought.  Bring on the wrinkles.  Completely worth it. What a strange place to be.  Completely un-tethered to anything and yet more solid and based then i have ever been in my life. Do i experience sadness on a daily basis anymore?  No.  There are moments and they pass. They are infrequent.  There really isn't room for those thoughts anymore, unless i purposely recall them as I am at this moment. Why do that?  Because I want to understand the part i played in unhappy relationships.  Because i don't want to repeat it for a third round.  I don't want to fall into the same trap of losing my head as much as i'm willing to give my heart.  To the right man.  Since my picker is broken, i'm not sure i trust my own judgement anymore so i need to check myself occasionally. Looking at where i am right now, a...