Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Yesterday BOTH (only two right now) men told me they were only talking to me.  I didn't ask.  I did tell them that i was dating.  And dropped it. One, the crusty older one who is a corrections officer, took a few shots - teasing or passive aggressive?  Don't know.  I haven't met him, or even talked to him on the phone.  Jealousy seems impossible. The other, younger, Big truck driver, passed over it......and continued talking about different restaurants and food, etc.  He talks more about the things he'd like us to do, places, activities- a little bit of flirting thrown in but nothing over the top.  We have a lot in common and there's a lot of things we both like to do. (Thrifting being a big one) Crusty talks about sex.  Not over the top, but it's his focus.  Hasn't really asked me any personal questions.....or given too much about himself up.  Beyond discussing work and what "open minded" is......not too much.  I have no...

 I think i understand the concept of talking to many, and dating a few.  I'm not currently sleeping with any! lol  No plans to either. It makes one man less intense.  The focus is more spread out, and you start to notice who is interested and who is breadcrumbing.  You see it from a birds eye view.  It IS less personal and perhaps it should be.  Instead of focusing and paying so much attention to one man, if he's calling, if he's asked you out, if he is flakey............it just automatically shows up in comparison. This is the way to do it.  Take your time, talk to a few guys and see who is serious and who just wants attention.  Work is exploding and i'm trying to find my sweet spot, where i can do the best and be indispensable. In other words i'm all over the place, jack of all trades.  Hoping everything will settle when the fiscal year turns and they HAVE to figure out who is paying me, if at all. Last night I came home and had every ...

 Bill is sniffing around again.  Not for any love of me i'm sure, but for the reassurance that I still care. I do care.  I don't know why, but i do.  I could sit and analyze myself, but why put any more time into him?  It's not going to work between us.  It's over.  He's like an addiction.  If i have contact with him once, i'll be right back to the Bill addiction. And i keep wondering......why??? But like i said.  No more time wasted on a man who didn't know how to tell the truth, played head games, and wasted my time.  When i called him a coward i meant it.   “The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman's love without the intention of loving her” -Bob Marley. I'm sorry i had to understand that quote first hand. It just tells me that men like Bill have existed forever, and always will.  Women like me need to avoid them.  He's not "different".  He's not "original".  He's like many men before him and many ...

I had a whole conversation with Darryl over the weekend and also with Carlos.   My bestie would have a cow if she knew i'm in contact with either one.  Thats why i don't tell her. It's really no one's business.  Even yours. (assuming anyone else reads this) I spent many years with Darryl.  Good, bad, ugly.....we know each other very well.  And now that we aren't together, we can be brutally honest with no consequence to the relationship.  It's not like someone is gonna end up on the couch.  I feel there is love there, tainted, but there.  We were never meant to be together forever.  We probably stayed together entirely too long.  But .......we know each other and there is a comfort in that. So sometimes we talk, and he tests the waters on if he can get some (he IS a man) and that gets shot down because i can't even imagine that.  Don't WANT to imagine that.  Nope.  He's my friend, kind of.  I can't talk to him ab...

 this morning i had a dream that involved my ex husband, and my best friend.  I can't remember what his role was in the dream, but i was at her house using her bathroom and i realized i had gotten blood all over her toilet seat.  I was cleaning it off and asked her for clorox wipes. Okay, thats not strange AT ALL.   Sitting here this morning, working remotely, i look down at a note i had written on scrap paper.  it says "What are you going to do about it?  Thats what i thought." Well, we know what i did about it.  I booted him. I think i wrote that down as i was sitting here at my desk, and he said something i said i didn't like.  That was his response.  I think i wrote it down so i wouldn't conveniently forget about it.  It was a shot to the system.......are you threatening me mother fucker? What am i gonna do about it.  LOLOLOLOLOL Byeeeeee. There was a time when i let that kind of comment slide.  That time has passed....

Back on FB dating - because where else will i meet someone?  HOWEVER, taking a new approach.  I'm saying "yes" to most matches, as long as they have an articulate profile and have put in a bit of effort. THEN i look at the pictures and i have a little grace, because men, the kind i like, generally don't take great photos of themselves.  It's usually in a car, with the angle up their nose.  So i'm not passing judgement on that.   Also, talking to everyone and giving them the same effort they give me.  Not carrying the conversation.  Once they reach out to me, because i will not reach out first (nothing wrong with it, just not my style) the conversation better flow, or i'm deleting them. It's okay to take it off the dating site and text.  It's even better if they get motivated to actually call me.  But i'll never say that out loud.  No more leading, directing, or managing how someone treats me.   No getting invested in a con...

 I'm appreciating my life this morning.  Drove in to work and took purposeful notice of my surroundings.  The beauty of the sunrise, the moon still visible in the sky, mountains in the distance - a beautiful morning. Pure luck.   I had nothing to do with being born in this country, or this state.  I had nothing to do with being born a white female in a rich country. And i'm poor.  I live paycheck to paycheck and pray nothing astronomical happens because i will be homeless.  It's a real thing. And STILL i am lucky. No one is bombing my neighborhood.  No one is destroying my country, devastating my people - for whatever reason they feel is justified. I'm not worried that the school down the street will not be there tonight or that the children going there will no longer live. Thats not part of my normal day. yet. I don't know about politics.  What i do know is that people are people are people.   We are all the same.   ...

 I had that giggly, can't stop smiling, wonderful feeling the first time i saw him in his truck - that big smile that came over his face, the way he looked at me, treated me like i was precious- I'm glad i got to feel that again.  To remember what it feels like and to know i CAN feel that way. Carlos did the same thing to my senses.  I just FELT good around him.  I think the part that has me infatuated with a man I never dated, and barely knew is how he made me feel when I was actually with him.  BEFORE i got high, or had a few drinks.  I would stay at his place for the exact reason that i was under the influence.  I let loose with him. I don't know if he knew i was a novice "partier"...........my last party days were in high school and even then I was just trying to fit in.  I have never enjoyed the feeling of not being able to control my feelings, or actions.  Now, I enjoy smoking some pot or taking gummies when i'm with my friends because ...

 You know when i get to the point that i'm starting to gush about a man, that man is on his way out. No i didn't go back and reread any of my entries about Marine Man because i would then have to eat crow.  I went for the joy ride, i let the newness and the good behavior make me think THIS was the guy. Just let time do its thing, and everything comes out.  constant whining.  I NEVER expected that from a Marine.  I mean, i thought "they" removed all their emotions during basic training.  Not really, but you know......whining???  Who would have thunk?  And in the SAME instant, try to take a hard line with me about my language. No my dude.  You are not my father.  If you don't like my spicy mouth when i am heated about what i'm seeing on TV, then you may take your offended ass right out of my home.  I thought it was a cute joke, when he started giving me "the look" if i dropped a perfectly placed F bomb.  But no......he decided he...

 Sleeping with my CPAP on makes a world of difference in my snoring.  I still hate the thing, but now, if i take it off and Don is there, he tells me to put it back on. Because otherwise he ends up on the couch because my snoring is so loud.  This has, historically, been an issue for any man that has spent the night.  Not that there has been many. This morning as i was getting ready for work he kept trying to get me back in bed.  It occurred to me as i was running around the room collecting my clothes and accessories, trying to avoid his grabby hands.....i'm very comfortable being naked in front of him. And that is new. I'm 58, have never been into physical fitness until recently when i realized, hey i can barely get up stairs anymore.  I've lost a lot of wieght so add in the droopy skin that comes with wieght loss, and the fact that i'm not 20 years old.....things don't snap back like they used to.  Yet, here i am walking around and having a conversat...

 I got me one of those fancy executive leather chairs now......woohooo....It was my bosses, but hey, now it's mine!   It's the small things in life. Don is coming over tonight.  As long as he is here Saturday night, thats okay.  We are meeting up with my friends for the first time at our old meeting place in Meriden.  I'm excited.  He probably isn't.  But it will make me happy. I hate to say it, but if he doesn't like my friends thats going to be a problem.   They just want me to be happy and to be treated well.  They know i don't have much luck with men.  So fingers crossed.  He'll be fine. He does have a jealous streak that concerns me.  As long as it doesn't get out of control or cause "drama" a little jealousy is okay.  I'm not sure what he is used to dating but he keeps telling me he hasn't dated anyone like me before.  Not sure what that means exactly, but the little he tells me about previous experien...

 i have nothing of importance to say.  I just like drama. hmmmm. Tell me how you really feel.   I wouldn't want to be around someone like that.   or around someone who feels comfortable saying that with no provocation.   I love it when someone expresses a strong opinion about me just for the sake of saying something nasty.   There was a time when that would have hurt my feelings. Instead i said "that was rude. i didn't deserve that" which i felt was quite civil.  It was an opportunity to explain just what the fuck the point of that statement was.  More importantly, it was an opportunity to roll it back and apologize. I talk too much and i say nothing important. That sounds like someone elses problem.  

 I was pregnant with my son during the gulf war.  And my DIL is pregnant with my grandson during this.....whatever we are calling it ...invasion of Iran?   I had my toddler daughter, and my big pregnant belly and i would have the news on all day until it drove me crazy.  It was right before Thanksgiving, and television had our military recording holiday messages for their families back home and i would sit and cry, and cry and cry.  Hormonal and emotional that anyone's babies were fighting a war. I still feel the same. Every generation has it's cross to bear, it's monumental moments in history.  And it's almost always a war.  Why.  Its a simple question.   People are shit.  Thats why.  Someone is always trying to get more than someone else, or have more power over other people......war between the sexes, the ages, the cultures, land, money, intellectual property, on and on and on.........I have to have more than you do....

I grew up in the 80's with awesome movies and music.  It ruined my expectations of what relationships are supposed to be - and then my own experiences and disapointments stepped in as the icing on the cake. I've never wanted to own my own business, i never really cared what i did for work as long as it paid the bills and I have no burning passions so create anything specific.  I've been very blase most of my life with anything other than romance and love. I wanted a family.  I wanted the white picket fence and early retirement so i could help with my grandchildren.  I wanted a vacation every year to somewhere new and i wanted time to read.  I wanted to ride on a motorcycle sometimes and i wanted a man who loved me as much as i loved him.  Ride or die.  I wanted friends to celebrate and share life with.  Thats the dream.  That was my happy life that i was shooting for. I got the family, and the best thing i ever did was give birth to two human...

What man isn't prince charming when he's first trying to date you?  And then, once you have shown interest .... over time familiarity, the truth starts to leak out.  No one is perfect, everyone has their moods and sometimes you just need a break from someone.   Side thought -I've never needed a break from Doug and Jen.  Just saying.  I've spent weeks with them, and have still gone to their house the following weekend.  It's easy, it's natural, we talk, we eat, we have fun, and we aren't always together even if we are together.  Sometimes, i play my games, or read, or even go take a nap and it's okay.  They do the same thing.  That is family.  That is comfort.  That is home.  Don and i are still new, and I do feel like he is pushing forward at a speed i'm not comfortable with.  I'm not going to play house with a man i just met.  Yes, he can spend the night, and have sex and hang out and go out shopping or site see...

 ....to have a real sit down conversation with my boss and listen to him talk about the things he's done over the years. I came back from the cafe with bought lunch, a big no no for me lately, and found my boss sitting in my office on the phone with his boss.  He was on the speaker.  I hesitated, not knowing if i should give him privacy or not, but he waved me in.  I sat and listened to my boss be told not to attend a very important meeting that is coming up.  That was the jist of the conversation that both mortified and pissed me off - and i can only imagine how my boss felt. He's in his 80's, he has Parkinsons.......it's getting progressively worse.  In the past year i've noticed it.  But he is still the same brilliant man......it just may take some time for his thoughts to gel and come out of his mouth, and he may fall asleep sometimes, but .......HE'S in his 80'S for christ sake. This man has been here for almost 50 years.  He has not only the...

 i forgot what it is like to get up and go to work when there is a man sleeping in my bed. I also forgot how hard it is for me to get out of that bed and get my butt moving. I could wake up like that every day and be a happy woman. Having one bathroom though.......that is the kicker.  I'm not used to grabbing my stuff and running out of it  because someone else has nature call.   I'm going to have to move my makeup and hair stuff out of there if this becomes a regular thing.   Ain't no way i'm going in there after he comes out.  Nope. No thank you.  Thats one thing i DO remember. What will he do while i'm at work today?  It must be wierd for him to be at my place by himself.  Will he sleep? snoop? draw? Does it matter?   Yesterday i came home and the door was open.  I mean, wide open.  I know i closed it in the morning because it unlocked and i had to push the button in and make sure it was actually locked before...

 yesterday i was in a funk. My nervous system gets set off when i start to get close to a man.   I'm trying to learn how to regulate it, instead of going into these spirals of fear and anxiety. Whats the worst thing that can happen?  He turns out to be not for me and we end it.  Tada!  I've done that before and i can do that again and be fine. It's not like when i was married, had a barely minimum wage job and 2 children to support on my own while living with a mentally unstable drug addict. I survived that and anything after it is a cake walk. I let myself get too close.  I need to practice detachment.  For my own mental health and for his comfort as well.  No one needs an emotionally dependent weight around their shoulders.  And those that do, aren't thinking of my best interest. So. Don is bringing over his expensive 3D printer because he doesn't have room at his place, which is a very pleasant but small apartment.  It doesn't le...

 The closer i get with Don, the more i begin to self sabotage.   I won't do anything to risk the relationship, it's more of a torture myself type thing. I was talking in my sleep, apparently about Bill - or too Bill.  Don asked me who Bill is the next morning.  I blew it off.  Bill is the LAST person i want to talk about to Don.  I'm afraid Bills toxic bullshit will seep in to my present.  I've been very good about trusting Don, in spite of my innate distrust of all men, with good reason.  I don't worry about him with other women.  I don't worry about him fucking me over.  I do worry that maybe i won't be strong enough for him.  I've seen some of the PTSD, felt it vibrating off him - and all i know to do is give him space but let him know i'm not judging.  I've been reading a lot about it, and how it shows up.  To me, he is worth the time.  He is worth any effort.  I just hope i have the strength of characte...

 I can't tell you the last time i had a man spend the night ..........I know i wasn't happy about it, and that i didn't sleep - and woke up crabby. But last night we had our very first sleep over and I don't know how he slept yet (he's still sleeping) but i was very aware he was there every time i woke up.  Which i do frequently.   He was here when i got home from work last night, and he had meatballs and the makings of a salad.  We feasted, and then.........i gummied.  and gummied some more.  He thinks i'm cute.  I think i hope i never get used to that euphoric feeling of happiness on clouds.  I let loose when i'm gummied.  Laugh and laugh.  and he laughs with me. for now.   I'm sure the giddiness will wear off eventually but for now, i'm enjoying it.  As time goes on we will go deeper or lose contact......i hope he is my last.  I have so much damn fun with him.  And he treats me like a lady. Can't say it's...

 Talked to my bestie last night and had nothing but glowing things to say about Don.  And then, i do what i do and i began to pick the situation apart. What does he want from me? How can he like me so much so soon? What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me? And bestie promptly told me not to self sabatoge this.  She reminded me that i've been walking on air since meeting him, she said he has given me no reason to thing he's up to no good, he needs nothing from me (or vice versa) and what is wrong with me is that i don't think i deserve a good,  quality man like Don. Well then. All i know is that every time i get attached I get hurt.  Or i feel stupid for getting attached.  I always feel like the butt of someone elses joke on me.......hahahahah she thought we were a couple. Don has made no bones about we are together now, and thats that.  Why can this man claim me so easily and be so sure and yet the others ........? I think thats what is scary to m...

 i do and get tarot readings for myself.  I'm not that good at it, plus technically I shouldn't be doing it for myself. Bill comes up repeatedly, over and over.  The man won't go away even when I have no contact.  Let me put this simply, he fumbled me, more than once....was given ample opportunities that he did not deserve to catch up to a mature level of emotions and EACH TIME, fell back into his old patterns.  Lies, deceit, a literal fantasy life that did NOT exist went on in his head with him being the main and only important character. He was mean.  And when he wanted to be, he was charming and could talk me into anything. Was that his fault?  No.  It was mine.  Because i had not learned my lesson.  Men talk shit to get what they want.  They do not have any guilt, or any conscious about lying to get to their goal.  And they do not care about the destruction they leave behind. Most men.  Maybe not all.  I have yet ...

 Saturday night Jen and Doug came over and early the next morning (sunday) we drove out to Caanan to pick up my entertainment center.  It turned out to be HUGE and solid wood, which is great, but also very heavy.  When we got it back to my place my neighbor, Kurt, had the unfortunate timing of leaving his apartment and seeing we were struggling.  He and Doug got it all into my apartment. That was nice and neighborly.  I don't really talk to him but we smile and wave in passing. while i was putting my stuff together to go spend the day with Marine man i put aside one of my baby spider plants to bring to Marine man.  He has huge windows in his place and two very large plants.  I wanted him to have one of my babies.....Bwaaaahahahahaha.  Baby plants!  I decided giving one to my neighbor to say thank you seemed appropriate as well since he randomly busted his gut to get my furniture in when he didn't have to. Always say thank you, and give a toke...

We went on our first date Valentines day.  There were a lot of firsts. I went home with the hand knit blankets he got me from the ladies guild that visits the Vets.  He is a retired Marine.  He is...........all man.  No doubts. He gave me one of his Marines sweatshirts, and other assorted goodies from our day together.  We fell into it like we've known each other forever.  It was very easy.  And nice.  And felt like home.  Thats the feeling. I have nothing to offer him, he's all set. All i have is me, and he seems to think i'm worth keeping.  We need to keep getting to know each other, obviously.  Neither of us is moving from our current living situations and we dont live that far apart, just enough to make it be an effort. I feel seen, and i like what i'm seeing.  Tall, handsome, strong male features, built and bald with tattoos.  Takes care of how he looks, and how he lives.  HOT.  yes, that too.

 There's nothing.  Not a thing i can point to and say "there, thats the red flag". Is THAT a red flag? They say you have 3 loves in a lifetime.  First is idealistic, then hard love, and finally grounded love. Since the breakup with Darryl over 10 years ago, i've dated a LOT.  I've become infatuated with a couple of men, and only really felt anything similar to love with Carlos (later identified as limerence) and Bill (reinforcing that i must love myself first) Yet, how can it be called love when the object of your affection does not return the feeling?  Maybe i needed more lessons on hard love?   Regardless.   I've been talking to Marine man for ONE WEEK and i feel like we know more about each other in that short time than i have learned about during my entire relationship with others. And maybe its because we don't talk about past relationships or dating experiences.  We talk about now, about our likes/dislikes, passions, fears, goals.....

 I need to slow my roll. I haven't been talking to Marine man for a whole week yet and i look for his messages for that dopamine rush.  I like the way he talks to me. He sometimes slips and calls me M'am.  I mean, i've been called worse.  Last night he was wrapped up in the news, watching an elite hostage rescue team in Tuscan regarding the Nancy Guthrie situation.  There was no distracting him, however, i did get my own personal updates from him.  Get the bad guys.   He's not just a retired Marine, he's a GRUNT.  I'm not entirely sure what that is, but put simply, he's a badass.  A genuine, trained Badass.   And he likes me. HOWEVER, we have not set a date to meet yet.  He says "soon", and I flat out asked him if he was involved with someone and he reassured me he is not, and has not been for a long time.  Calmly and directly, without any attitude.  You know, like a grown up responds to possibly rude questions....

 Last night i spent 2 and 1/2 hours on the phone with Marine Man.  There was some flirting, but nothing i wouldn't say in front of other people.  We can't shut up.  He asks great questions, and remembers my answers.  Sometimes i have to repeat my questions......in that regard, he is a total guy.   Nothing escapes me.  If you don't answer me, i give it another shot.  If you still don't answer me I file it away under "something he doesn't want to discuss" for future reference. One thing i like is that he doesn't talk about women he has dated and he doesn't want to hear about anyone i've dated.  I like that.  We are dealing with who we are with each other. He told me he respected me because our first conversations didn't have me asking interview questions like "where do you work" and "how many siblings do you have" etc.  You know, the boring questions that mean nothing until you know if you even LIKE the guy.  Who cares abo...

 i fell for two avoidant personality types.  The kind that like you fine until you actually want to be with them.  The more you want them, the more they pull away and run. I've worked through "why" in therapy, and i'm pretty sure now that i'm aware of it, i can hopefully avoid it.   I need more than bare minimum.  I need to not give more than one reasonable chance.  I get mad at myself, get "dramatic" about it because i'm ashamed to have fallen for someone who gave me all the evidence that he was not the one. First with Carlos. Who seemed very interested until I was returning the interest.  Then he "got stressed".  I'm not sure if he really is an avoidant though, because he's been with someone for a while and doesn't seem to have a problem staying with her. Maybe it was just me.  He didn't want to be with me but the sex was good.  I just didn't fill any other criteria he had in his head.  He was honest, but it doesn'...

 Mostly I sat and watched TV this weekend.  I did go grocery shopping and managed to go poke around at the dollar store (i needed a foam board) but those were the only two times i left home.  It was COLD as hell.  I did some shoveling just because - cleaned off my car from the snow - and called that my cardio. More conversations with the Marine.  So far so good.  He has some very strong feelings about illegal immigrants that might become an issue if we start dating.  It's never black or white.  It's okay to have differing opinions but when someone has that much fire behind their's.......you wonder if a calm conversation and an agreement to disagree is going to work. So far, that's the only caution signal i'm getting.  He texted briefly throughout the day Sunday, but was with his family and then watching Super Bowl.  I like that he let me know that he was going to be busy but still thought enough to text once in a while. He seems level-he...

 You never know what is on the other end of that conversation.  Profiles with pictures that are not who they are, descriptions that are leaving out the most important parts.......It's a crap shoot. The Ranger guy turned nasty with strange texts and when i told him basically "good luck" he went on a long rant about how fat, old and ugly i am and how no one will ever want to date me. Basically, he sounded like a woman.  Most men, even jerks, would just say "fuck off you fat ugly bitch"....but this one had paragraphs.  Catfished. You always have to be conscious that people are not always what they say they are.   I tend to only talk to one person at a time.  I know, i'm supposed to talk to many, date a few and have sex with one......(a good rule i stumbled on years ago) but damn, i don't have the energy for all that.  Or the interest.  Plus i can't keep them straight.   So, "Ranger" boy off the table, i see what else is going on in my ...

  I wore jeans to work today.  I see people do it all the time but i NEVER...well, maybe when i knew no one would be around.  But I flew in the face of the powers that be this morning and decided i was wearing the new jeans i bought last night because I'm DOWN another SIZE and i'm celebrating. These jeans fit comfortably.  My other jeans were supposed to be snug but i've been wearing droopy butt because i didn't want to buy any clothes "in between".  However, nothing feels better than a new pair of jeans that aren't tight or too big.  I'm proud of me. And this is after a week away on a cruise where i gained 11 pounds.  Must have been water wieght because i'm back to where i left off and dropping. I feel good.  I'm in a great mood.  I hope it lasts! I did the thing and opened the FB dating account again.  I'm being very voyueristic this time......watching.  I started talking to "Johhny" from Thompson a recently retired Air Force Ra...

 Last night i wrote a blog filled with nastiness regarding Bill.  I reviewed every fucked up thing he has ever said or done to me that I ACCEPTED. There are a lot of assholes in the world, we don't have to choose to associate with them.  But i did.   What is wrong in my head that a man like that would hold my attention? My therapist said it was because of how i was raised/watered.  That i chase approval from men who withold, that i want to prove my value, that i want to be picked. I'm a pick me girl?  ewwwwww. Nah, i'm going to have to disagree there.  You don't have to tell me more than once that you don't want me.  But with Bill, he told me that a bunch of times, and i broke it off, carried on only to have him return with a changed mind. And i let him. See, that is the key. He is blocked everywhere.  I can't imagine how he would show up again but knowing HIM, he will.  It might take a year more or less, but he will return.  H...