Forgiveness Ring

I purchased a ring for myself.

This is what is engraved on it:

"If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask their forgiveness. If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them. And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that. For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself."


I do.

So should you.

Love everyone

This weekend has been filled with dust, sweat, heat, work, laughter, "breaks", seriousness, shopping, laundry, and general "where do we start?" ..... It hit me in the middle of moving furniture and not even bothering to wipe the sweat pouring off me....i fucking love it all, and everybody.

I can't look at that smile, those blue eyes...and feel anything but...free. odd word to use right?  We have been working together on the hottest most humid day and at times literally just laying on the floor trying to cool off and not ONE cranky word or vibe has passed.  That's new. For me.

I'm not holding my breath, being pulled down with negativity or having to leave the area due to filthy looks being thrown my way. He is happy to consider and implement every damn thing I've suggested without an ounce of frustration or having to make me feel like I'm asking for the moon to shoot out his ass for my entertainment.

I'm not used to this.  I also know that frustration with each other is going to happen eventually because that's just how life goes.

He talks to me.  He lets me talk to him. He doesn't treat me like I've got nothing interesting to contribute. I'm not discounted.

I come first.

He hasn't said that. He shows me that by his every action and word.  He hasn't had to give up any of his freedom or manhood to make me know this is true.

And now I'm loving every thing about my life and everyone who is in it, or has been. Because I'm here now.  It's everything that has ever happened in my life that brought me here.  How can I NOT be grateful for everyone who has participated in helping me learn to see, and arrive?

This is how I've always meant to be treated. And it has nothing to do with money. Completely free when given willingly. And I get to return the feeling and have it not only accepted, but cherished.

For the first time in my life.

Make a choice

I'm moving in with Mike in less than a week.  Changing my address and my life, again.

Fast.  yes. Why?  Because i'm pregnant.

No, because I WANT to, because there is no reason NOT to (and i have dug deep to find just one reason).

Am i giving up a dream of owning my own home?  No.  I am moving in with the man i want to be with into his home, yes.  Is it possible that it won't work?  yes.  Anything is possible - I know that first hand.   I know how to move like a champ now. Does that scare me?  Hell no.

What scared me was wondering if I would ever want to share my life with someone again.  What scared me was wondering if a part of me had died out of disappointment and disillusionment .  What scared me was thinking i would never trust again, never feel that feeling of longing to be with that one man, and the happiness that fills me when I am.  What scared me was the idea of living alone with a bunch of animals actually seemed to be the smart thing to do in the name of self preservation.

What scared me was feeling like i would always be too scared.  Too hard.  Too dead inside.  THAT scared me.

Do i need a man?  No.  Obviously I don't.  Do i need one?  No.  They are more work than easy.  Do I want one?  No.  I want the right one.

And i found him.

So.  Wish me happiness and celebrate with me my ability to make a choice.  I know this is fast, I know it may seem reckless, but for fucks sake all my being careful in the past never made me any less vulnerable to pain, hurt and disappointment.   I've never been more sure.  Of myself, of him, of this choice that we have made together.

That's all that should matter.

Dreams of the future

Last night i had one of my dreams - where i know it's a dream, and i'm participating in it.

He was in it, and I wasn't mad, or sad, or even disturbed - just completely adamant that he not continue to pop up in my life anymore.  I got to say what i wanted, what was true to me if not him and finally to be set free from any kind of caring.  Hopefully he got the message.   I have no desire to be included in the list of ex girlfriends and safety net checks that get called on rotation.  I do not want pictures of what is going on in his life any more than i want to share what is going on in my life with him.  It's none of his business.   My happiness gets shared with my loved ones - and this blog.  A little.  He  is my past and i am looking toward my future.

I did domestic things this weekend.  Started to find my place in MM's home, soon to be my home as well.  From the moment i walked in the door I loved the feel of the house, reminded me of the home a co-worker put up for sale that i had wished i could buy.  He's given me free reign - seriously, how did I get so lucky?  The only drawback is the commute, which i found out is about the same as what I do now only all highway.

So..........It's time for another big change.  My resume is on the list of immediate to do's.  I love where i work, i love the PEOPLE i work with (most of em) and what i do isn't complicated and only stressful at times.  Thats not the norm.  I have a coosh office, and i don't have to wear shoes that hurt.  I have a ton of time off, and excellent insurance.  Why leave now when the retirement plan is probably the best i'll ever have?  Because i want to grow.  I want a challenge.  I want more money.  I deserve more money - and the union contract is coming up again and I know that we will lose more and gain nothing.  And frankly, fuck the union.  It's never going away so..........it's time for me to have a job title that actually fits what i do.  "Secretary".......yeah, okay.  Don't i wish.

While i'm excited and sure about the big changes coming up within the month, i'm also feeling sad. I'm going to miss where I live now.  When i left home the first time it wasn't off to college like most of my friends - It was me in October, barefoot with wet hair in a t-shirt and sweatpants banging on the apartment door to be let back in while my much younger sister stood crying at the window as my "mother" screamed at her to get away from it.  My future husband came and picked me up off my front steps and brought me to his family's home where they proceeded to try and help get my mother to take me back.  Which she would not.    She had torn apart my room and anything i cared about- i'm not sure what she tells herself about what she did that day, but i was 16 and kicked out.  I wrote letters, i called, and she told me she "wasn't ready" for me to be in her life.

And then she told everyone else i ran away.

I'm sure social services has records somewhere of what happened because at the time, it wasn't common for teens to be kicked out of the house, like it is now.  My brand new social worker took me back to the apartment to get my basic stuff while my mother stayed upstairs and did not allow my sister to come say goodbye to me.  The only way the social worker was allowed to get me in was when she threatened to have the police come and assist.  Once i had what was left of my stuff (she had either broken or taken most of it) no one knew what to do with me because i wasn't pregnant. Had i been, the state would have set me up in an apartment and a monthly check.  Because i had the audacity to NOT be pregnant, i was on my own.  So i stayed with my ex's family until we got married. From that point on my life was spent bopping around at the whim of everyone else, never my choice.  I went where i was told.  I lived the way i had to in order to keep a roof over my head.  Self preservation won over any goals i had in my life.  Shit just happened to me instead of me making shit happen.

The only thing i accomplished that i am proud of is my children.   I look at them now all grown up and independent, each with spouses they love in their own homes with their own jobs and lives - and I know they are the story of my success.

For the first time in my life i feel like i'm making conscious choices to move in the direction I choose.  Leaving where i live now is feeling harder than i expected because it has felt like home, the kind you have when you grow up with a family.  A "normal" family.  Part of me is afraid to leave - kinda the way i imagine an 18 year old senior feels when going off to college.  This family took me in and allowed me time and space to lick my wounds, cry spontaneously - laugh loudly - swear constantly, and be a part of their family in every way.

Which is why i now feel that the choices I make are not made out of self preservation, but because my heart wants this.  I want to share the rest of my life with MM.  Or for as long as he treats me with love and respect.  Because now i know what that is and how that feels.  I have no doubts.  I'm very excited to begin the rest of our days come what may.    I will never be able to say i didn't live my life when i'm old and frail and in the nursing home.  I'll be the one with the little wicked grin on my face.

fuck caution

Know why?  Because i've always been cautious and it never saved me any aggravation.  If anything it prolonged it.

I'm happy.  The kind of happy i've never experienced before.  No pressure, no have too's, no worrying about what anyone thinks, or feels, or says.......my eyes are wide open and i can't see a thing to run from or throw a caution flag on.

Its new.  We are crazy.  And we don't give a care.  I've waited my whole adult life for this man and i'm not wasting any more time.  It feels good to be cared about and to have him let me care about him.  It feels good to TALK to him and to listen to what he has to say.  It feels good to feel that fire and also the laughter, the mutual respect, the mutual need for more of each others company.  The inability to keep our hands off each other.  He's hot and he's smart and he's all grown up.  He takes care of himself AND me when i'm with him, and i plan on being with him a LOT.  He thinks i'm all that and then some so I am going to soak that in for as long as i can.  I can and will reciprocate.....with pleasure.

How i went this long without him....?  I don't know.  But i don't have to anymore.  I kind of understand looney Tom Cruise on the Oprah show now......I feel that way, have felt that way since i laid eyes on him in the flesh.  From that first eye contact, I knew.  He knew.  It was a lightening strike that everyone around us could see.

Don't roll your eyes, or think i'm nuts or feel so sickly sweet you want to puke.  Be happy for me, share it with me, there's enough.  It's been a long time coming for both of us and we finally found each other.  I'm allowed to be ecstatic.

Thank you to everyone who ever made me feel like i wasn't good enough.  Because of you, i found my way back to MYSELF and into HIS arms.  Where i belong.

how fast they change their minds.........

I should know by now not to make any definitive statements about future events i have not yet experienced.  I usually end up eating my words.

Gimme that humble pie......i'll eat the whole thing if it means I get to be happy.  Not the surface, blind, fleeting happiness that i've had in the past.  This is a real, deep and calm happiness.  The kind you know that no matter how far you dig down, you can keep digging -  and never hit bottom.

I didn't think he even existed, but he does.

I can be with a man who sets my world on fire, making me forget any other man AND is responsible, grown up, able to take care of himself and WANTS to have me be part of his life.  Only me.  I CAN in fact be enough for a man.  I'm not "too much" as i have been told by lesser men.  

You know the best part?  I don't have to dull my light to let his shine.  I don't have to be less of me for him to be comfortable.  I don't have to slow down, speed up, hide this thought, keep that to myself, stroke his ego, or act like i don't care.  I don't have to fucking SHARE him with other women, past or present.  I know this from the tip of my nose right down to my toes.  He is true.

The joy this gives me is immeasurable.

The words i am eating are many.

Being wrong is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Letting go of my regrets,  my fear,  my mistrust, my pain........is the best thing that ever happened to me.  He wiped it all away in one fell swoop, like dust.  He replaced it with hope, happiness, trust and the ability for me to see a future with him in it.

It was fate.  We were always finding our way to each other.........He was made for me.  I just needed to be patient and believe.

Enjoy the ride but watch your toes

This smiling business begins to hurt after a while......seems that genuine and joy filled smiles may use more face muscles than I thought.  Bring on the wrinkles.  Completely worth it.

What a strange place to be.  Completely un-tethered to anything and yet more solid and based then i have ever been in my life.

Do i experience sadness on a daily basis anymore?  No.  There are moments and they pass. They are infrequent.  There really isn't room for those thoughts anymore, unless i purposely recall them as I am at this moment.

Why do that?  Because I want to understand the part i played in unhappy relationships.  Because i don't want to repeat it for a third round.  I don't want to fall into the same trap of losing my head as much as i'm willing to give my heart.  To the right man.  Since my picker is broken, i'm not sure i trust my own judgement anymore so i need to check myself occasionally.

Looking at where i am right now, and the fact that i've spent some solid time "alone" as in, not in a romantic relationship.......perspective has changed.  It would seem that what i "need" from a man would be a hell of a lot less considering I am doing fine without one, right?  But no.   Thinking about this now, the stakes are higher.  This sounds morbid, and makes me feel aged, not old but- If i'm giving the last phase of my life to one man he better be all that and more.

This, i have come to see - is the fun part.  Yes, i have to work, pay bills, prioritize.  I'm not rich, probably never will be and i'm okay with it.  So maybe i only go to two countries before i can't anymore instead of all of them.  Or even just the one, Ireland.  That has to happen SOMEDAY.  I can go alone, or not.  But i'm going.  If that's my biggest dream requiring money- i can make that happen.  The point is, i have very few responsibilities anymore.  So freedom comes naturally now.  Life has become an open road and i have a full tank of gas.

My version of "freedom" doesn't mean not being in a committed relationship with a significant other.  I dislike those terms "tied down", "settled down"......yuck.   If anything I want to ramp up, get a little crazier, and have a hell of a lot of fun.  I need a partner, not another child to care for or controlling boss to answer to.  I need a best friend that I can also crawl naked into bed with.  That sounds like heaven to me and it is that simple.  Someone who is my favorite person, and vice versa.

That's not to say that everyone else falls off the planet and we spend 24/7 together.  I still bitterly laugh when i think about the ex saying I wanted to be with him 24/7.  I have NEVER wanted to be with ANYONE 24/7.  Not even mySELF. Now i'm laughing because that statement is so true i taste it in my mouth.

There's a yearning for someone that can't take place when you see them constantly.  I don't want to lose that feeling or have him lose it for me.  It is essential.  It's not about holding back or not sharing a life, it's about remaining separate people and sharing that with each other.  That idea of "becoming one" has fucked everyone up.  Nice job catholic church.  I also don't want to be forgotten or discounted because i'm not there in person - I never forget, i always respect.  I want that in return.

So as i move into new territory, with a straight and open mind, I find that maybe i'm not so confused or scared after all.  I just needed to be patient and not lose heart.  I had to weed through a lot of jerks, and people who are better off as friends before i could arrive at this point with someone where it's so new and clean and unwritten - and fragile. I need to go gently before I begin to have this feeling again.

The feeling that i want to jump in with both feet.  I acknowledge that sweet innocent side of my heart for a moment, that little girl who just wants to swim in the love that never came without strings attached. The kind of love she deserved to have from her parents, but can not come from a partner. Understanding that has changed me.  Has set me free.  I can be 100% me and the right man will not only love me, he will accept my love.

I'm looking forward to watching and feeling that play out.