Nice to hear from you after all this time

I received an email this weekend from someone i haven't heard from in well over a year. Seems this person was unhappy with my last blog, had some strong opinions about it, and me.

If you know anything about me, you know that if you share your thoughts with me, I'm more than happy to share my thoughts with you ABOUT them.  So in the spirit of being me, let's do that now.  Here are some highlights:

1) "your last entry was pathetic" - and yet, you read it to the end, several times, I'm sure.  So ........not that pathetic really.

2) It's okay to have "dirty laundry" just don't air it.  This, my friend, is the epitome of dysfunction.  This is how abused people and their abusers carry on.  To suggest that i do the same as you, IS pathetic.

3) I am a hypocrite (add that to pathetic, are you keeping track?) Why?  Because i had opinions about someone else's posts.  hmmmm.  ok.  So, don't air dirty laundry and don't have opinions.  Got it.

4)  I am a prolific writer.  What is prolific?  I have to look that one up.  Was that supposed to throw me off the track of more insults?

5) This person supposedly admired me, had best wishes for me.  Had.  hmm.  This person "doesn't know what went on in my relationship".  Uh, yes, you do, because you've been trolling my blog. I'm not even going to try and guess why, but you should probably ask yourself why.

6) I won't be getting any Kudos.  God DAMMIT that is EXACTLY what i was shooting for.
      6a) No one else is gonna give me kudos either.  (insert sad face here because this           devastates me)

7) The gist of this comment was that anyone who supports me is "a poor pitiful pearl"...Is that what someone with no friends calls friends?  Just checking.

8) I had time to end the relationship if it wasn't to my satisfaction.  NOW you are getting it! MY lack of good choices was the point to sharing the blog my friend.  It wasn't about my desire to have the man, or the inability to let him go.  Trust. me.  While you were busy making up excuses for his shortcomings, you missed me taking responsibility for my lack of making good choices.   

9) "Can you not think of someone else besides yourself?"  No.  Not in my blog.  Said it before, say it again........my. blog.  for me.  AND for anyone who sees themselves in what i write if it will help them, make them feel less alone, help them see that changes and growth can keep happening until we die.  Well, most of us.  You have to want to be happy.

10)  I won't be getting any validation from this person.  (insert second sad face) I do need it sometimes, however, not from you, not from him - not from anyone who doesn't have my best interest at heart.  If i were you I would follow my lead and get you some poor pearls who lift you and support you and love you, regardless of what you can give them.  

11)  This person thinks because it's been over a year that i should put on my big girl pants and move on.  Soo...........you read this blog or you don't?  I'm confused.  There has been nothing but moving on going on.  See, pretending sad or painful things didn't happen to you doesn't make them go away.  Everyone heals at their own pace in their own way.  When a relationship ends, more than the idiot who broke up with you needs to be mourned.  If you have a life that is.  Maybe that's where the confusion for you is.
     11a) also, wasn't asking you.  Advice from you isn't something i ever wanted.

12)  OF COURSE I EMBARRASS MY CHILDREN.  They were born for my entertainment.  You made me laugh.  Thank you.

13)  This one, i had to copy and paste so the full effect won't be dimmed by my interpretation:
         

I thought maybe you would get on the right track what with your dog, going to counselling and snagging a new squeeze...........what does HE think of all these 'thoughts' about your 'ex'.......he may just decide he doesn't want the drama either.............

Honestly, you'd have to ask him yourself because you are the only one wondering.  Thank you for you concern though, my heart feels all warm and fuzzy that you care.  

And after all that, i was left with a final wish that I would be happy and don't dwell in the past.  Talk about double edged sword with a poisoned tip.  No one is dwelling in the past when they have learned from it. The past makes us who we are today- we either learn and grow from it , or we pretend it didn't happen, or we think we had no responsibility for the part we played in it.  

I choose growth.  I choose not being bullied or shamed by anyone - including and especially you.  

Taaaa. 

https://walkingbarefootinsnow.blogspot.com/2018/02/this-is-hard.html 

This is hard

The bills I was paying a few moments ago will need to wait a minute - while looking for my expense spreadsheet (yes, i'm THAT anal with my credit lately) I found a folder I had forgotten about on my laptop.  Why did i open it today.  

I'm a believer of everything happening for a reason and at the right time.  Maybe the time was right to give me a good kick in the ass and remind me that my memories are selective when i find it convenient.  

I need to say here that what i am about to copy and paste is humiliating for me, and will be upsetting and disappointing for  some others.  But, I need to have this found letter to myself seen by someone else, to make it a real thing, as horrible as it is.  At least to me.  

Do you want to know why i hate you?  Why I want nothing to do with you?  Why I think everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie meant to manipulate me for whatever it is you want?  Why i find it so difficult to put you out of my head once and for all?  Because I let you do this to me.  I. Let. you.  And because of that, I often hate myself and feel weak, ashamed....But in posting this, I am healing...healed.  I am diluting the dirty secret you probably never thought twice about.

Is it ever okay to hit a woman?  Is it ever possible that a man can actually love a woman he hits?

It seems like such a hypocrisy.  We protect the people we love.  We shelter them from pain. We wish we could carry their pain so they don’t have to bear it.  I do.  I know a lot of people do.  The idea of a loved one being hurt, let alone by your own hand is just inconceivable.

And I always thought that no matter how bad our fights got, no matter what was broken in a rage- that I would always be safe from him harming me.  That he had begun to posture towards me, using threatening poses during arguments, getting into my face and making sharp movements meant to make me believe he was going to hit me…..i never believed he would.  I’ve always felt safe, if not understood- if not considered, if not valued.  I thought he would never hit me.

I’ve been wrong before and I wish I was wrong here.  I wish I could say I didn’t see it coming even if it was so surprising when it finally did happen.  So scary.  So definite and final. 

It took him years to get to the point where he kicked me in the ass once during a fight.  Not a funny kick in the ass.  But I felt that because it didn’t hurt me, and because he certainly could have made it hurt me- that it didn’t count.  Yes, it was humiliating, demeaning, and yes it made me feel the shame he should have felt. 

I don’t think a hit has to physically hurt.  I don’t know if todays did hurt because I myself was in such a blind rage that he had dared to make angry contact with my body…….this man.  This man who loves me?  He threw things on top of me as I lay sprawled on the floor, backward crab crawling to get out of reach of his swinging hands.  I don’t know if it hurt my body.  I don’t know how I ended up on the floor, or how the mirror lay shattered underneath me.  I just keep seeing his face spitting at me, screaming that he hated me.  “I hate you, you fucking cunt!”

And how that brought the center of my chest fresh pain that I thought I could not feel more of after the previous nights (early morning) words of “I’m not interested in you” and “I don’t love you”. 

When did this relationship stop mattering to him.  I don’t know. 

While he wants constant rubbing of his sore back- which he brings snowmobiling and dirt biking but can’t use to make love to me.

 

I should list the bullshit lines I’ve been eating for at least the past year. 

What it comes down to is that this man not only lost his love of me, but he has lost his respect of me as a women he once wanted.  Instead of doing the right thing and breaking off with me, as unpleasant and difficult as that is to do with someone you have been in a long term relationship with- We both deserved better than what happened this morning.

How was there an argument this morning after those words were spoken last night?  Because I second guessed myself, I thought maybe I had approached him wrong, made him mad, deserved to be spoken to like I am not worth any respect.  That’s hard to read.  But it’s true.  I wanted to give him the opportunity to take it back.  To realize in the light of day that he loves me.  That he wants me.

I wonder how often that actually happens. 

Now that I’ve had literally the entire day to spend by myself – because I did scream at him to get out before I called the police and he did make the right choice at that time and leave – I realize that this was always going to happen.  That our relationship has deteriorated beyond recognition.  My reaction is to want to talk about it, understand it, fight about it if need be- and that’s all we’ve been doing.  It’s all been very one sided.  I worry and try to maintain the relationship, try to re-set it when he’s said or done something shitty to me (like yelling at me in a restaurant filled with people that he was going to choke me in front of all these people) or how he’s told me many times before that he doesn’t “want” me, doesn’t love me.

 

So the hitting was bound to occur.  Probably because he knows that I will never tolerate being hit.  And yes, when he slapped me I threw a lamp at him.  And when he slapped me again I went after him.  And while it doesn’t excuse his behavior at all, I have to own my own wrong doing in the situation. 

Yes, if he wanted to knock me out he could with one hit.  But that almost makes it worse.  Because his intent was not to shut me up, his intent was to hurt me, belittle me, make me small and frightened of him.  And he did those things for a few seconds.

I need to remember that I cannot change a mans feelings toward me, and that I may never have true answers as to why he has come to the point where hitting me is now okay with him. 

My hurt comes from not understanding something that I have no control over.  Because he does not love me and maybe never did.  Love does not say those things and do those things.  Not any love that I want to be part of. 

I’m numb now.  I know the real pain comes as the numbness wears off.  And then the need to beg forgiveness for a wrong that’s not mine to own, simply so we can go back to before this and not have to face how bad it is now.

Bad enough that I get slapped over some young pool playing girl that he spent the whole night with, checking her out and being checked out.  In front of me.  In front of our friends.  Making me insignificant not just in private but in public.  And then, if I read that wrong and it wasn’t ever his intention- he had the chance to say it and instead I was told he wasn’t interested in me, didn’t love me, and then within hours I got slapped. 

What more is there to think about? 

Why do i feel a need to post this, private, embarrassing and shameful - fucking pitiful letter to myself?  Because i am mortified that it happened and that i had to make up a different version in my mind to live with it.  In my version, i am brave and I do not back down.  The reality is that i was attacked that day.  I was hit several times, thrown to the floor, and had a big angry man screaming obscenities into my face as I cowered.  That is what happened.

And never will again.  

Again

I'm obsessing again, not sure what triggered it. So nice to come out of thin air and slap me in the face. I think stress at work and the change of season right around the corner is doing it. Sitting here in Meriden waiting on a few old friends to meet up for cocktails and catching up....its been so long.  I almost cancelled, as I'm always inclined to do, because of unreasonable nervousness and a touch of panic. Partially because the talk will go back in time at some points  and it brings up a lot of feelings, none of them comfortable. However, seeing these ladies is always such a comfort. Laughing and certain man bashing (I'm sorry but it's true) will also be on the menu. 

I'm sad sometimes, when random memories are set loose in my brain. I am still waiting for the day when that pain in my chest doesn't come along with them. Seems ridiculous to me considering where I am now in my life,  so it also annoys me. Makes me feel foolish all over again.

Betrayal will do that to a person.  I don't know if people ever really forget the feeling. I am trying my best.

I'm scared sometimes...not looking to care too much about Mikes family because if the day comes where he decides I no longer matter...well. But I do of course.  I care about him and his family even with my heart screaming at me to be careful. 

And then I think, fuck it. I do what I want.

Time and again

It's time.

Now that i'm living in Manchester, making a life here - I need to work closer to home.  This commute is wasting a minimum of 2 hours a day from my time to do other things.  More fun things than dodging in and out of traffic....yes, i'm that person now.  I will say that ever since i've had to commute i've become aggressive on the road.  The ride is too long to be polite. I DON'T terrify passengers however.........because he is 5lbs and can barely see out the window.  

It's time.

I've taken harassment and general disregard from ONE person at work for 6 years.  I'm tired. I've done my time with difficult people and honestly, they can't pay me enough to work for her anymore and they never did. It's no longer a challenge to try and keep her happy.  It can't be done.  She wins.  She is the ONE person i've worked for who finds nothing but fault. I can thank her though, because even with the commute i was finding it hard to leave these people behind.  I love my job, I'm lucky enough to work with wonderful people in a learning environment on a gorgeous campus.  And her.  She is the kick in the ass I need to move along.  

It's time.

This position is the last piece of the past.....I want to be somewhere he has never been, with no humiliating memories.  I don't want to "see" him in that parking lot, refusing to look at me or talk to me while Josh took care of me and my vehicle.  I'll never forget how that felt, or that he could do it to me.  I don't want to ever drive by the ice cream shop where i sat with him the last time, while he cried to me about his baby mama.  Me, the woman who's life he had just picked up and smashed.  I'll never forget that either, because that was when i finally realized that this man had never loved me.  He wasn't capable. So yes, I want to leave those ghosts behind.  I don't want to see places and things every day that make me remember my willingness to accept less than i deserve.

It's time.

It's time to fully trust the space i'm in now, celebrate the choices i've made that have brought me here - confident, not afraid, able to make choices of my own and leave others to do the same.  Not everyone is going to like me all the time- and i don't have to have any feelings about it. I can just do what i want, and when i want, with who i want....and it's okay.  My family, my friends, my man- they love me just like i am. 

It's time I do too.

 

I will take seconds

I love this.  So simple a thought and so absolutely accurate.  So many times my table has been empty, or filled with rotted fruit, drawing flies......

But not anymore. 

I love saying that.  Feeling that.

Although, it DOES make me uncomfortable at times because this is an entirely new feeling for me.  It's taking me some time to readjust, let my guard down, enjoy the feeling.......trust the feeling.  I'm always waiting for the "real" situation to reveal itself.  So much so that during a conversation with a close friend we decided that I should make an appointment with my therapist to discuss the "NO DRAMA" in my life. 

My brain tells me  that this is how it was always supposed to be.  Honestly i'm still afraid to believe it fully.  I'm waiting for that moment that may very well never arrive.  You know, the one where he reveals himself to be a total asshole that just wants to use me, or control me. Or belittle me to make himself feel smarter, or hate me because I was right.  Dumb, blind......and right. 

Last night I walked around the house with the remains of a migraine still hanging in the back of my eyes and looked at how well we have blended.  It's almost as if i've always lived here - I've grown to love this home almost as much as this man.  I feel as if i've always known both.

It's me that i'm getting to know, still. 

The world is imperfect, duh

I had an experience this morning that I feel the need to share.  I won't be filing a complaint, or telling anyone off - because that wouldn't change what happened, nor would it keep it from happening again.

My work has a program where workshops on health are offered throughout the year.   If an employee attends two workshops and has a note from their doctor that they have received a well visit, that employee will receive a financial incentive.

You know i want that incentive.  Right?  I mean, it would be "crazy" not to.  So I signed up for the first workshop offered this year, on healthy but satisfying breakfasts that are easy to prepare for people who have a hard time finding the time.  Sounds good.

When i signed up, i did not remind HR that I have a service dog.  And if you didn't already know, I do.  He is 5 pounds and is with me 24/7.  He does not shed, drool, or bark without reason.  Most people don't even know he is with me unless i have him on a leash and walking.  I jumped through all the correct hoops at work in order to have him with me and he has all his required paperwork.  I'm not breaking any rules by having him with me.  He has a purpose, he is not "just a pet".

However, when i arrived EARLY this morning in order to participate in the workshop one of the women said "oh keep that away from me, i'm allergic".....from across the room, mind you.  I always sit apart for the very reason i am about to describe. This woman, a "professional" woman, gave me the filthiest look ever when she said this to me. Even so, I said,  "I will.  He does not shed and he will not go near you" very calmly.  I am well aware that not all people like animals, that some are afraid and that some really are allergic - I don't expect everyone to be overjoyed.  I do expect common courtesy from a co-worker.  When she left the room after saying "Everyone SAYS that"  i knew there was going to be an issue.  Within moments the HR rep came to me and asked if i had permission to have him with me on campus.

I'd like to point out that I had already had a full discussion with this person in the hallway when i arrived and that she had seen and not been fazed by my dog.  She did not ask me if i had permission to have him there until someone complained. I explained to her that yes, i did and that as a matter of fact she was the one who had informed me of the approval and expectations of having him on campus.

She proceeded to tell me that i had to be "mindful" that some people were allergic, and that we would be preparing food. (Side note: the actual preparing of food had not been described in the sign up sheet, or I would have totally avoided this even though I shouldn't have had to.) She did not go so far as to tell me I needed to leave.  The legalities of that, i'm sure, were glaring in her mind. When her reminder to me fell flat at her feet, she left the room.

Call me "crazy" but I hadn't planned to rub my dog all over the place and shake him over the food after i let him slobber into every dish.  As a matter of fact, they could probably have found more pet hair flying around from people who left their animals at home.  BUT  I have to be mindful.....I have to be mindful.  I hadn't ever thought of that.  I don't care for being talked to like i'm clueless.  I'm not.

What I AM, is a person who has depression and anxiety.  At one point it was severe enough that i could not make it a full day at work, or go a few hours without having a panic attack.  Crying was my way of life, panic was my best friend.    I am lucky enough to have people at work who care about me, and friends at home that love me and support me.  The many doctor appointments I had, the multiple medications I was given with all kinds of side affects.....it wasn't until I got my dog that I began to find any kind of peace in my mind.

If you are interested, you can read about it.  Suffice it to say, service animals are a real thing and have a real purpose.  Just because someone doesn't understand, or agree, doesn't give them the right to treat people who need one like some kind of special.   Not agreeing or not understanding does not give anyone the right to be rude, as this woman, who was so concerned, was to me. This is a professional woman attending a workshop with co-workers.  Not her living room.  If nothing more, i deserved professional courtesy.

I decided that staying in that room, with that person - as the object of attention which is exactly the opposite of what i want, was no longer an option for me.  I was not wanted in that room and it could not have been made any clearer.  So i left.  I saw the HR person outside and she THANKED ME for being "AGREEABLE".

You know what?  Fuck you.

No, i didn't.

But i did in my head.

No one needed to make special accommodation for me to be there.  My dog was not misbehaving. We were not disrupting anyone.  THAT woman was.  And if she had such an issue SHE should have been the one to leave.

It's like the parents that insist on taking their peanut allergy children to the baseball game and want everyone around them not to eat peanuts.

Your allergy can't be seen any more than my anxiety......so maybe you are faking it.  Maybe you just "want attention".....or maybe you need to just be careful of where you go because you may have a reaction unless you take care of yourself.  Be  grateful you can carry benedryl or an Epinephrine injection.  Seems like i know more about allergies than a lot of people know about anxiety.

But instead of informing yourself, you get to pass judgement on someone who cannot hide their therapy.  Bully for you.  Lets make america great again.

Perhaps, she should wear a t-shirt that lists all her allergies.  Hell, lets identify everyone's health issues in a very public way so that everyone can weigh in on if it is valid, or not.

People thinks it's funny, ridiculous......and i'm glad they have that choice.  I don't. There is a chemical reaction in my brain that when it gets triggered i lose focus, become disoriented......cry.  shake.  His job is to bring me back to the present.  He feels my panic, he barks, rubs on me, licks my face- snaps me out of it.  He calms me if I get to that point and since i have had him with me i have had very few and attacks. EVEN through a breakup.

Regardless of how she, or anyone feels about service animals and their usefulness- I have a right to have one and I know that sometimes i will get hassled, and sometimes i will be treated poorly but THAT is not my problem.  That is someones personality problem, lack of sensitivity or just plain ignorance.

So, before you pass judgement with your medical degree - take the time to understand.  Read a book, hell read 2 or 3, talk to the person with the service animal.  My DOG doesn't bite.....but in the future...i'm the one you might want to be concerned about.

Happy New Year and all that

The holidays came, and went, faster than ever before.

I think this is where I start lamenting on my age........I turned 50.  I feel like 30.  Anyways, my brain does.  My body likes to remind me that parts will need to be ordered soon.  As much as certain parts of me hurt, I'm not mad about it.  I'm probably the best i've been in a long time. 

Now, If i can get Michael to stop bringing me goodies, i bet i could look better than i have in a long time too. Even that, i'm not mad about.

The holiday was indeed joyful.  Good news was had and good gifts were shared.  I was able to decorate a Christmas tree exactly how i wanted to and now.....I feel like it was over rated.  I missed the kids ornaments.  The tree was gorgeous if i do say so myself, but it lacked the spirit of Christmas's past.  I do believe that was exactly what i wanted when i decided to do this "planned" tree.  All i can say is be careful what you wish for.  Looking better doesn't mean it IS better.

I was able to spend time with Michael's family and my own this year because my children agreed to "fake Christmas".  We spent the real holiday with his family and then a week later we did it all over again with mine.  I must say, it extended the season and the excitement for me - the general good feeling of the holiday x 2.   There were tears, of course, because that's what i do.  I'm a big fat cry baby when i don't get my way, or when i'm afraid i won't get to see my kids as planned.  It rocks my little world.  But i also got a good lesson in not doing that EVER again to my children as it is manipulative and unwelcome - I just had to see someone else do it to learn.  My children, aren't, children.  They have their own lives just like they are supposed to.  I need to be grateful, not sad. 

It just feels like i've lost a lot over the past few years.  But in the same respect, i've gained as well.  And i don't mean pounds you asshole, whoever you are, that thought that. 

So what else?  I have no burning anything I need to flush out of my mind by writing.  Yet.  I'm sure it won't last long because i have so many feelings about so many things.....Consider this a respite.  It's a new year and who knows what can happen?  I've always been surprised in the past so this year probably won't be much different. 

Oh, one nice thing about the holiday is getting messages from people you don't get to see or talk to very often.  I don't believe in resolutions, as much as "life changes" but I DO resolve to keep better contact with people in one way or another.  Letter writing, phone calls, emails, or even cards.  Cards shouldn't be reserved for special occasions!   Email me at maribeth.lineberry@gmail.com if you want to exchange cards and I will send you my address.  For reals. 

I wish you all love, (of yourself and others) good health, good fashion sense, laughter and quiet contemplation in the New Year.