What goes around comes around, so trite. So true. How does it feel to be controlled? Be given ultimatums? Be forced to be someone you aren't? To make someone else temporarily happy? To be afraid if their anger and what it will cause you to lose this time. how do you prove yourself? Over and over, no warning of when its coming. You less and less.
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Friday, May 4, 2018
Yours to have
My people will always be my people
As i am theirs
You aren't me
never will be
They will always see me where i was supposed to be
Where are your people
Acquaintances
Not me, not mine
Ride or Die
More loyal than your man
those places you go
I've been before
these people you meet
still with me
the life you chose
someone elses
set free
from lies and betrayal
That, is yours now
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
A new direction
Our bodies speak to us. It tells us when we need to slow down, pay more attention to it. If we don't listen, it MAKES us listen.
Years ago i gained a lot of weight when i was pregnant with my son. That weight never came off and because I was a stay at home mom at the time, I added to it. And added to it. In retrospect I realize that although I had two young children at home with me, part time work was not stimulating my brain. I needed more. My ex husband realized this and gave me the ultimatum, "go back to school or I will".........knowing full well that i could not financially support the family.
So off to school i went. I loved it. I did well. I thrived. I made friends and my wants and needs expanded. School was the appetizer not the meal. This new independence threw my husband off. I had been pretty isolated to him and his family (a whole different post) so when i became social outside of him again, it wasn't taken well.
With knowledge comes power and growth. I felt better about myself. I wanted to feel better about my body. Until very recently, these were two very different things to me. I joined WW and began dropping the pounds. I died my hair blonde. I shopped for attractive clothing. I smiled and laughed and became a bit more extroverted.
My marriage fell apart. Also, a totally different blog post.
For many years, over 15, i kept the weight off. I was as relatively happy as a single mom of two teen-agers and a tumultuous relationship could be. I never would have been able to survive the challenges had i not felt comfortable with myself.
The years went on and I became less and less sure of myself. I felt, and yes this was MY doing, that I didn't match up to other women. I never felt "good enough" at work, but especially at home. I was sad for a lot longer than my "self" knew. My body? It began screaming it to me. "hey!! you need to make some changes lady!!!" Hey! we aren't doing well anymore!
Fortunately, my weight gain participated in the breakup of my relationship. Thank you body, for taking care of me.
And now, I am committing to taking care of you. Me. No more bullshit. It's time to get my act together all the way around. All this lazy happiness stuff is wonderful, but i'd like it to continue for a long long time. I keep it up, and it won't. I need to be alive to enjoy so many things coming my way. Last night i attended my first meeting in many many years and i'm jumping back on track to a healthier me.
Why say it here, or anywhere? It's a private thing, weight. Because weight loss is a journey. More than weight is being shed. Sit with that for a few minutes.
This morning as i showered and looked at my own body I realized i was as bad as some other people, not appreciating the legs that allow me to get around, the body that produced two beautiful people, the body that has cared for me no matter how ugly my thoughts have ever been. It didn't judge me. And from here on out, i'm not judging it. I'm going to take care of it, and appreciate and love it as it is. Every. Day.
Taaaaaaa
Monday, April 23, 2018
MY kind of temper tantrum that turns into cement.
How I Feel when i hear stupid shit
Where is my patience and understanding? Where is my ability to put myself in someone else's shoes and empathize with how they are feeling?
It's here. I take it out when i need it and I don't waste it on toxic, or emotionally abusive people.
Just Shut. up.
Seriously.
I am immune. My bloodstream has been subjected to so much bullshit from people that I am no longer affected. You can't squeeze a drop of guilt out of me. I don't care. For absolutely real.
If you are poisonous, a user, a narcissist........move along. I can see you coming a mile away and while you MAY be able to make some people feel like shit with your bullshit shenanigans, you are wasting your time with me. I see you. I see you for what you are.
And i will protect the ones i love from you. I will repair the damage you have done, continue to do, because you can't see, won't see, anything but what you want.
I've been quiet. I've been respectful when it wasn't due. I've wasted a lot of time trying to get along with people who i'd rather never see again but i'm older now, stronger now, wiser now.
You need to be nice. Be respectful. Be grateful. Or shut the fuck up around me. Period.
Have a day you deserve. And keep it to your own damn self.
Taaaa.
Where is my patience and understanding? Where is my ability to put myself in someone else's shoes and empathize with how they are feeling?
It's here. I take it out when i need it and I don't waste it on toxic, or emotionally abusive people.
Just Shut. up.
Seriously.
I am immune. My bloodstream has been subjected to so much bullshit from people that I am no longer affected. You can't squeeze a drop of guilt out of me. I don't care. For absolutely real.
If you are poisonous, a user, a narcissist........move along. I can see you coming a mile away and while you MAY be able to make some people feel like shit with your bullshit shenanigans, you are wasting your time with me. I see you. I see you for what you are.
And i will protect the ones i love from you. I will repair the damage you have done, continue to do, because you can't see, won't see, anything but what you want.
I've been quiet. I've been respectful when it wasn't due. I've wasted a lot of time trying to get along with people who i'd rather never see again but i'm older now, stronger now, wiser now.
You need to be nice. Be respectful. Be grateful. Or shut the fuck up around me. Period.
Have a day you deserve. And keep it to your own damn self.
Taaaa.
Thursday, April 19, 2018
recurring dream
I'm at my best friends mothers house and i'm there with my ex husband and two children (they are still small) There is sand all over the floor and i'm mad at him because he is sitting in the middle of it eating like nothing is wrong. I'm telling him it has to be cleaned up or Maria will be angry with me. It seems like he has bought a ton of junk food from a warehouse because it won't all fit in the cabinets.
My friend and her husband come "home" which isn't really their home. She jokes with my ex husband, cajoling him and i feel him getting angry. I'm afraid. I start to clean up the mess and he starts yelling but cleaning it up. I leave and go home to the house i grew up in. I move my daughter out of her room (used to be my room) and put her in my bed (used to be my parents room). I go and get my son who is a baby from the living room sleeping in a playpen. I drag it down the hall and i hear the ex coming home so now i'm running to lock the doors to the bedroom.
He coax's me out of the room because he has Miyagi. He says we are going out to dinner and for some reason i ride my own motorcyle and he drives a van. It's an out door hot dog shack so i go stand in line and tell the guy behind the counter to call the police i'm being held against my will. He says he knows. He can tell. My bike falls over and some little girl goes over and picks it up like its nothing.
A swat team arrives and my ex lets Miyagi go on purpose into the road. I run after him and the police start shooting at my ex. I pick up Miyagi and then i'm back at my friends house helping her clean the mess and my ex shows up. I start yelling at him all the things that are wrong and he shows me he has tattooed his whole back and wants me to do the same. I throw things at him.
Thats all i can remember.
My friend and her husband come "home" which isn't really their home. She jokes with my ex husband, cajoling him and i feel him getting angry. I'm afraid. I start to clean up the mess and he starts yelling but cleaning it up. I leave and go home to the house i grew up in. I move my daughter out of her room (used to be my room) and put her in my bed (used to be my parents room). I go and get my son who is a baby from the living room sleeping in a playpen. I drag it down the hall and i hear the ex coming home so now i'm running to lock the doors to the bedroom.
He coax's me out of the room because he has Miyagi. He says we are going out to dinner and for some reason i ride my own motorcyle and he drives a van. It's an out door hot dog shack so i go stand in line and tell the guy behind the counter to call the police i'm being held against my will. He says he knows. He can tell. My bike falls over and some little girl goes over and picks it up like its nothing.
A swat team arrives and my ex lets Miyagi go on purpose into the road. I run after him and the police start shooting at my ex. I pick up Miyagi and then i'm back at my friends house helping her clean the mess and my ex shows up. I start yelling at him all the things that are wrong and he shows me he has tattooed his whole back and wants me to do the same. I throw things at him.
Thats all i can remember.
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
one step forward
two steps back.
It is possible to have feelings for an ex AND have feelings for your spouse.
Just because something ended, it does not negate the time spent together in a relationship.
Current spouses are current BECAUSE they are preferred. I'm not sure why anyone wouldn't understand that.
Trust. When the trust is broken it's much easier to hate the ex of your spouse than to hold your spouse accountable for sketchy behavior. Secrets breed mistrust. Honesty isn't always easy but at least everyone is on board with the full story of their lives, not being misled.
I love Mike. Very much, for many reasons. We fit. We are comfortable. Our differences compliment each other. I haven't felt this accepted, this calm, this secure- ever. I'm exactly where i am supposed to be and i have zero doubts about it.
Having said that, I do still harbor feelings for my ex. I didn't know a breakup was going to happen. I didn't have the time he did to get used to it and decide on it. One day we were together and the next i'm sleeping downstairs and packing boxes to move. It was rather abrupt. The reasons don't really matter. It happened and that part of my life is over. I guess i didn't get over it quick enough for some people but some people don't matter to me. Being honest, being real - that is what is important to me.
I know that it was the best thing. We should have ended at least a year before we did. Only good things have come from the breakup. Without it i wouldn't have had the time i needed to get to know "me" without a man. I wouldn't have been able to face my fears, accept my faults, love my self as I am..without that breakup. So painful yes, needed, also yes.
Now. I have been asked how Mike feels about my writing about my ex. He doesn't seem bothered and he shouldn't be. Here's the thing. I still mourn my past, the life that died with that relationship. It was a living thing, healthy or not. I mourn the loss of a home i loved, a town i loved, friends living close and traditions we shared. Sometimes i remember good times with the ex and get nostalgic, but in no way do I regret that we went our separate ways. For a while i hated him for how he treated me. I was very sad with him. We weren't friends. He didn't share his life with me. He couldn't. I was the woman that got along with his friends, that wouldn't embarrass him, that got along with his family, that would always take his side, always had his back. He was none of those things to me. So no, Mike has nothing to be bothered about because he IS all those things to me. And more.
I frankly think it would be more weird and absurd NOT to think about times during 13 years of my life. Kinda like hiding from something I am afraid of. I'm not afraid, i have no regrets and I am content with my life. Thoughts don't happen every day like they used to, or even every week - but when they do at least i have the strength to acknowledge them for what they are. Memories of the past. They weren't all bad. And THAT should be celebrated.
It is possible to have feelings for an ex AND have feelings for your spouse.
Just because something ended, it does not negate the time spent together in a relationship.
Current spouses are current BECAUSE they are preferred. I'm not sure why anyone wouldn't understand that.
Trust. When the trust is broken it's much easier to hate the ex of your spouse than to hold your spouse accountable for sketchy behavior. Secrets breed mistrust. Honesty isn't always easy but at least everyone is on board with the full story of their lives, not being misled.
I love Mike. Very much, for many reasons. We fit. We are comfortable. Our differences compliment each other. I haven't felt this accepted, this calm, this secure- ever. I'm exactly where i am supposed to be and i have zero doubts about it.
Having said that, I do still harbor feelings for my ex. I didn't know a breakup was going to happen. I didn't have the time he did to get used to it and decide on it. One day we were together and the next i'm sleeping downstairs and packing boxes to move. It was rather abrupt. The reasons don't really matter. It happened and that part of my life is over. I guess i didn't get over it quick enough for some people but some people don't matter to me. Being honest, being real - that is what is important to me.
I know that it was the best thing. We should have ended at least a year before we did. Only good things have come from the breakup. Without it i wouldn't have had the time i needed to get to know "me" without a man. I wouldn't have been able to face my fears, accept my faults, love my self as I am..without that breakup. So painful yes, needed, also yes.
Now. I have been asked how Mike feels about my writing about my ex. He doesn't seem bothered and he shouldn't be. Here's the thing. I still mourn my past, the life that died with that relationship. It was a living thing, healthy or not. I mourn the loss of a home i loved, a town i loved, friends living close and traditions we shared. Sometimes i remember good times with the ex and get nostalgic, but in no way do I regret that we went our separate ways. For a while i hated him for how he treated me. I was very sad with him. We weren't friends. He didn't share his life with me. He couldn't. I was the woman that got along with his friends, that wouldn't embarrass him, that got along with his family, that would always take his side, always had his back. He was none of those things to me. So no, Mike has nothing to be bothered about because he IS all those things to me. And more.
I frankly think it would be more weird and absurd NOT to think about times during 13 years of my life. Kinda like hiding from something I am afraid of. I'm not afraid, i have no regrets and I am content with my life. Thoughts don't happen every day like they used to, or even every week - but when they do at least i have the strength to acknowledge them for what they are. Memories of the past. They weren't all bad. And THAT should be celebrated.
Friday, April 13, 2018
New to me
Its kinda nice. This feeling of having no immediate worries, or insecurity. Makes it difficult to find something to vent about.
A friend of mine posted a "challenge" of sorts a few days ago asking that we, me included, join her in a "Rampage of Appreciation" by taking our daily bitches and complaints and turning them around into something positive. Do this for a month and see how your life changes.
I'm good, but i'm not giving up the opportunity for better. On day 2 and it's still fun. Talk to me on day 30.
When you remove the insecurities and the worries and the fear from your life you need to replace it with new feelings. If you haven't ever lived without these negative feelings, it is just as scary trying to get used to the new ones. I'm not going to articulate this well but i'm pretty positive there are readers who understand me perfectly. Because they've been there. And now they aren't. Accepting positive reinforcement and acceptance as you are, no a celebration of who you are......it's a weird feeling. This happy medium of having feelings that are not extreme - I was so good at extremes - being completely possessed in one relationship and completely ignored in another - it is sooooo good to be in the middle, with all the feelings in proper perspective.
I hate gushing as much as crying. But, i'd rather gush. yeaaaaah!!
While i'm gushing I want to say how proud i am of my children. The fact that they have supported themselves, lived on their own, never asked me for any financial help........it's damn impressive. Everything they have they earned on their own. Their homes, their cars.....everything. They both picked loving and supportive spouses to share their life with. Considering their role model, i find that EXTREMELY impressive. They paid for their continuing education, ever.y.thing. They have never lived off the system, or me. The more i learn about people, the more i realize how very lucky I am, and how very outstanding they are. They came from nothing, with no leg up, and they have matured into people I am proud to know.
I wonder if i can get a loan? hahahahaha
Just had to say it. They know i love them, because i tell them. I think they need to know how proud i am of them. I'm going to tell them. Over and over and over again.
Because my life? It's fucking awesome. It's time to get used to it.
Taaaaaa!
A friend of mine posted a "challenge" of sorts a few days ago asking that we, me included, join her in a "Rampage of Appreciation" by taking our daily bitches and complaints and turning them around into something positive. Do this for a month and see how your life changes.
I'm good, but i'm not giving up the opportunity for better. On day 2 and it's still fun. Talk to me on day 30.
When you remove the insecurities and the worries and the fear from your life you need to replace it with new feelings. If you haven't ever lived without these negative feelings, it is just as scary trying to get used to the new ones. I'm not going to articulate this well but i'm pretty positive there are readers who understand me perfectly. Because they've been there. And now they aren't. Accepting positive reinforcement and acceptance as you are, no a celebration of who you are......it's a weird feeling. This happy medium of having feelings that are not extreme - I was so good at extremes - being completely possessed in one relationship and completely ignored in another - it is sooooo good to be in the middle, with all the feelings in proper perspective.
I hate gushing as much as crying. But, i'd rather gush. yeaaaaah!!
While i'm gushing I want to say how proud i am of my children. The fact that they have supported themselves, lived on their own, never asked me for any financial help........it's damn impressive. Everything they have they earned on their own. Their homes, their cars.....everything. They both picked loving and supportive spouses to share their life with. Considering their role model, i find that EXTREMELY impressive. They paid for their continuing education, ever.y.thing. They have never lived off the system, or me. The more i learn about people, the more i realize how very lucky I am, and how very outstanding they are. They came from nothing, with no leg up, and they have matured into people I am proud to know.
I wonder if i can get a loan? hahahahaha
Just had to say it. They know i love them, because i tell them. I think they need to know how proud i am of them. I'm going to tell them. Over and over and over again.
Because my life? It's fucking awesome. It's time to get used to it.
Taaaaaa!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)