OUchies

 Kids, brush your teeth.  It will save you so much agony down the road.  hopefully.

I, am terrified of the dentist.  When i was a kid, i a had a sadistic fucker who told me to stop being a baby while torturing me.  So, obviously, i actively avoided going to any dentist unless absolutely needed, meaning when i had to have a tooth pulled.

Because there's no way in hell any of that root canal bs was ever going to happen. Or braces, or any beautifying of my teeth.

My dental care has been sketchy going decades between cleanings.  Because of that, i am a constant brusher.  Brushing my teeth over and over daily is not uncommon for me. I'm scared of bad breath.  Always have been.

And my teeth are fabulous.

It's my gums.

actually my jaw bone.

Because of not having regular cleaining apparently i've destroyed the bone that actually holds my pearly whites in place.

And right now, i'm dealing with that consequence.  Not well.

You see, for every tooth that dies (nothing to hold it in place) your other teeth start moving around because there is space.  Moving teeth and bad bones.......no good.

What a joy.

I wish i could go back in time and grab that masochistic asshole dentist by the balls and squeeeeeeze very hard, for a long time.  

My grown kids have teeth issues because of my very active fear and very sympathetic feeling of pain whenever i did bring them.  

I'm also suspicious that some dental procedures actually CAUSE the need for more procedures because it costs literally a small fortune i do not have to maintain these choppers.

So that is what consumes my mind today.  I'm going to see the Ortho surgeon because apparently regular dentists don't pull teeth anymore.l  Fun. Is.

I'm going to throw up.  Have a great day. 

Brain is full

 My brain is overflowing with information.  If i can keep some of it, that would be nice.

I can't wait till this weekend.  Low key.  No makeup, no real clothes, no time schedule.

Maybe i can start my 100 day project.....i'm starting late but there are 365 days in a year so i've still got time.  

While showering and listening to the news this morning i am once again hit with the thought to delete all my social media.  At least TikTok.  I hate to chase carrots........and i feel like thats what it has become.  I can actually live without it.  Thanks.

Trump dangles it in front of China to get less tariffs if they sell to (anyone?) other than china.  I wonder if Russia gets a whack at it?  Bottom line is that it's not entertainment, its a tool.  And i'm not getting paid, so fuck off. 

Also heard that 23 and me is going bankrupt and to delete all my information.  For fucks sake.

Isn't the internet a lovely thing?  Destruction everywhere.

We created a world where we could be anything we want, and we fucked that up too. 

People are shit. 

second chances?

 I hold my friends in high regard.  I try to be a friend that is also held in high regard. Do we both get disapointed sometimes?  i'm sure.  But that's part of being a real friend.  You don't love the parts, you love the whole, regardless.

Its that trite phrase: Friends are family we choose.

I tend to keep mine.  Once you are my friend, thats that.  Done deal.  Until you prove to me that you are not genuine, or you are a racist, misogynist, narcissist.......oh, wait, that's ex boyfriends.......

I've had falling outs with my bestie over the years because we've been friends for over 50 years.  We went through lots of growth.  And here we still are, always will be.  Some friends i made during the pandemic (online groups) have become some of my closest and dearest in just a few short years.  Others have fallen to the wayside because the connection was never more than fleeting.

Once i'm bonded with you, i'm there.  You can't get rid of me.

UNLESS- you purposefully hurt me.  Because friends know all the hurt spots.  Friends protect you from them, they don't stick their finger in and twist.

Which is what my girl "M" did.  And she did it spectacularly when she completely ignored me, made her rounds, then turned her back to me and walked out the door.  She knew it was a big FUCK YOU to me.  Message received.

Did it hurt?  oh yeah.  It did.  But i've learned not to chase someone who feels comfortable hurting me.  

We had had a disagreement.  It was a business deal we both wanted to do, but her "man" put himself into it and had feelings about my friend who was going to financially (and silently) back us until we could pay him back.  It's a long story, and i've got nothing nice to say about her choice in men, so i'll leave it at that.

But that wasn't enough for him.  Next he started working on me personally, and the friend group that i had formed and invited her into as someone i love.  The group happens to be white people.  Just like when i met "M" the group i was the minority being white.  It never occurred to me to be counting.  Or judging.  It just was what it was because of the circles we were in.  And we, her and I, combined friends, not colors.

He made it about that though, privately to her.  And it came out flying out of her face during a heated discussion between us (because things were very heated between us always) when she said "you only want me around your white friends as entertainment".

Which knocked the wind out of me.  I felt like she throat punched me.  Like the feelings i have for her meant nothing.  Add to the fact that my "white" friends adored her.  I did not know SHE had any feelings like this.  And the more i talked to her i found out WHERE those thoughts had come from.  HIM.  The asshole who didn't like that she had us, that we were all aware she deserved better than what he was offering her.

Its so much more complicated, and it doesn't feel good to share her personal history here - but lets say we all have our patterns that pull us backward when we are trying to grow ahead.  Thats all i will say on that.

From the moment i met "M" i was in awe of her.  She stands 6ft tall,  plus sized, and wearing stilettos, walked into the room like "i'm here! let the party begin" the first time i saw her.  I couldn't keep my eyes off of her as she worked the room like she knew everyone in it.  She sparkled.  She owned her space.  She EXPECTED your adoration. 

The next time i saw her was at a party where she noticed me not having a nice experience with a pushy male.  She interceded, and basically saved me.  From that moment on, we were glued together.  Every party, every weekend away, every social gathering.  We would sit on my porch for hours drinking wine and offloading our past onto each other.  We are both fucked up.  And our fuckedupedness identified with each other.  And there was love.  Big love.

Until he came into the picture and everyone else began to fall away from her because thats where she pushed them.  I was one of the last, and i didn't fall away - she slammed the door on me.  My friends all knew i was devastated.  But we all went on.  Continued with her space leaving an emptiness.  She wasn't entertainment.  She was loved.  

Is loved.

But sometimes shit happens.  She made her choices.  

Yesterday she reached out to me via text.  Again, i don't feel it's appropriate to share her words or her life here.  I felt it was genuine.  She asked if i would consider meeting her for drinks.  I agreed.  We are getting together tomorrow night.  

At the very least, i can listen to her.  How do you forgive someone for living their life and choosing to remove you from it?   Aren't we allowed to do that?  I have no expectations other than hearing her out.  Hell, I've done it for ex boyfriends, why not someone i held in higher regard than any man i've ever been with?

Friend to me is sacred.  Friend is safety.  Friend is comfort.  Friend is healing.  Friend is shared history.

But it is not unconditional.

My children, my grandchild.  Those are the only unconditional loves in my life.  

So.  We will see if i regret this meet or not.  We are both strong personalities.  

Private and block

 Social media is a shitshow and YET, i can't seem to stop.

I had to close my TikTok and make it private.  WTF is it with crazy girlfriends stalking me?  I didn't want him, what makes you think I want to to talk to YOU about him?  

I have never in my life.  I mean, once i did accidentally, but in fairness, i had no idea she was an ex gf of my bf.  So it doesn't count.  

Why?  Have they no shame?  Do you think i want to be besties?  Are you out of your mind?

My ex's, ex gf reached out a couple of times and i should have blocked her but my curiosity won that battle....and it confirmed that he definitely traded down.  Thats what you get for calling me crazy.  You got REAL crazy.  Now you know the difference.

She's done now i think.  My last message to her probably made clear that she got what she wanted.  Deal with it.

This one on TikTok though........she is everything i would expect the man i briefly dated to be with.  Trashy. Big mouth. Chip on her shoulder.  Doesn't know when to shut the fuck up.

Stop viewing my pages you psycho.  So now, if you aren't my "friend" you see nothing.  People who care will figure it out and the others can go blow. 

I have no content anyways.  But it's wierd to know someone is stalking my page hating on me.  Get a life.  

Or.......watch me live mine happily if thats what gets you going.

Yesterday my boss proved to me once again that he is the best boss in the world.  Had a provider get shitty with me over a policy he didn't think was "fair" because it wasn't convienant to him........had his administrator pass that information on to me.  I responded.  The provider didn't like it so he added my boss.......who promptly backed me up.

There is light in the world.  You have to look for it, and see it when it happens.

twice in one weekend

My son reached out and invited me to brunch for Saturday- We like to meet at the Olympia Diner on the Berlin Turnpike because it's kinda half way for both of us and we've always gone there - Me since i was a kid with my father and my son, since he was a kid with me.  It's tradition.

This time we never actually made it to eating, but we DID go down the street to a different restaurant where we had adult beverages and outstanding service.  We may have a new tradition.  

While we were out they (my daughter in law and son) asked if i would come to dinner Sunday night.  She was making a big batch of stuffed shells.  Sunday was nice, her family was there and it very relaxed.  I really enjoy her family and appreciate that they have always treated my son as family.

Before i went Sunday i literally slept all day.  I woke up at 4pm and dashed out of the house to be on time for dinner.  

I tend to sleep a lot when i'm overwhelmed.  

I keep second guessing myself at work, which i suppose, i should.  Most of the people i work with are friendly and professional but there are always the few..........yeah.  So its difficult for me to not be "hard" when someone is being an asshole.  My boss had taught me to be gentler.......but i forget sometimes.  I know it's important to remain gracious and calm but some of these people i'd like to let loose on.  

so entitled.

Not all.  But enough.

Anyways- still very much axiety ridden over what changes are coming in July when my boss steps down and someone else takes his place.

not much to say.  It's work work work for me right now.

Quiet fury

 .........i'm not sure anyone i know would ever associate quiet with my fury.

I can talk, use my words, hell, i can even LISTEN to others words.  Even if they don't fall in line with mine.

Unless they start calling me names, or mock me, or be condescending.

The art of conversation is lost on many people.  The exchange of ideas in a way that comes to a partially happy ending for both "sides"........over.  It's all or nothing to be a winner.  Dummy.

I will not discuss my views on politics anymore.  I will not continue to post memes or repost others thoughts that i agree, or disagree with.

My thoughts are my business, and the business of those closest to me.  I do not live in a world where having "thoughts" or "ideas" are welcome, regardless of what they are. 

I've been struggling with this, and have been focusing on the more immediate topic of dating, of men, of day to day life.  The things within my reach, that i have some kind of say over.  For now.

The small things that i find annoying, infuriating, frustrating.......my day to day life.....that so many others don't have to worry about because THEY are dead, or being killed, or trying NOT to be killed.  You know, the basics.

This gets to me.  It makes my heart hurt. It makes me furious and feel out of control.  How could these things be happening in the world and we go on worrying about paying the cable bill this month?

This morning i woke up angry because i have no idea when my vacation will be approved, or IF it will be approved, and i'm trying to "make plans".  Then i put the news on and got into the shower.  By the time i got out of the shower i felt like the biggest piece of shit. 

Vacation???

That's what i'm mad about?

Men?

This is what i get angy over?

Not seeing my children, or my grandchild enough?

THAT is what makes me sad.

Being too tired, and staying home to stare at my walls rather that go out with friends?

THATs what i feel guilty over?

My life is small.

And yet to me, it isn't.

I am overwhelmed by the enormity of what is going on in this country, and the world.  I am a coward that doesn't want to know more because WHAT CAN I DO?  Cry? Be angry? Throw my fists and scream into the face of those that oppose my views?

What if i don't even know who the enemy is.  what if the enemy is my friend?  My co-worker?

What if my only absolute belief is that every human being is equal, that nobody deserves life more than anybody else, that food, shelter, and health care should be a given, no matter where you live, or how much money you have, or what color your skin is, or what language you speak, or how old you are, or who your friends are?

That no one should be locked in room for over 20 years and NO ONE came looking for a missing child. 

That those with assets totaling $5 million or more—comprised approximately 0.1% of the world's population should NOT be making decisions, or holding power over the REST OF US.

What if I'm tired of being a woman, trying to find love in a world where men, women, and children are shot down and killed over land, over religion, over ideology.  

What am I supposed to do about it?   Paint a sign, stand in front of a building, and yell?  Or how about call my government, or email, or write a letter or two?  Am i just too stupid to see the point of that?

Does it now, or will it ever even matter.

Humans are shit. 

Trust myself

 I know the difference between a good man and a sketchy one.  Why?  Because i've delt with many sketchy men.

I blame this on myself.  I was a walking beacon for men looking to take advantage of a woman stupid enough to be happy with the tiniest effort (when absolutely necessary) when I was giving my entire self.

Low self esteem will attract scum.

Well lets all be grateful i've finally found mine!  A little late to the party, but at least it finally showed up.

I've been accused of giving up too quickly, cutting men out too fast- which is the exact opposite of what i used to do.......which was try to prove to them that i was a worthy woman.

Mr. Saybrook.  Last year i saw him for a bit, and i thought he was flakey.  He wouldn't make plans ahead of time, was always flying by the seat of his pants...........and he had a "roommate" that was moving out.  Red flag anyone?  However, i was still feeling sore over Mr. Tattoo (i know, i know!) and he was fairly good company when i saw him.  

I've been in shut down when it comes to sleeping with these guys.........I learned my lesson the hard way.  So i have that to be grateful for.  We never did.  And he put a LOT of effort into trying.  We parted ways because i told him i make plans ahead of time and i was never available for him.  

So this time around when he started reaching out I ignored him.  I'm so tired of these assholes.  One day, on a whim i asked him what was different now that he thought we should connect?  He gave me a story that sounded valid.  I asked him about his roommate?  Gone since before Christmas.  Okay.  So what do you want?  Let the love bombing begin.

I figure, i'm not dating anyone - lets see how far this goes.  We meet up a few times, hes consistently texting and calling, and i go to his house so we can go for ride.  We live an hour apart from each other and the weather wasn't great where i am, so that seemed reasonable.  

He shows me his home, he starts to kiss me, and i say "we aren't going for a ride are we?" and i'm ready to bail.  That moves his ass to the bike pretty quickly.  Bud, i'm not here to fuck you.  The ride was wonderful, he has a luxury bike and it was nice to sit and feel the air freeze my face off.....no, really, it was.  It felt amazing.  It was nice to have a handsome man sitting between my legs and have my hands keeping warm in his pockets.  I could almost imagine this happening a lot.  

We see each other a couple of times, and nope, i'm still not sleeping with him.  There's been no talk of exclusivity, or anything like it.  And Mr. Saybrook begins to become sketchy again.  No more love bombing, no more texting, or calling as much.  I hate to say it, but I told me so. 

I belong to that group on facebook, the "are we dating the same man" group.  People have their feelings about it, but listen, if someone posted me in a "are we dating the same woman" group, i'm coming up golden.  So i posted his picture and asked if there was any tea, or red flags?  Thats what this group is about and believe me..............men get called out.

Now, you have to use your discretion.   Women can be crazy too. (lolololololol) but when MANY women come out with "i'm also seeing him" thats fine........we aren't exclusive.  Then the red flags......Apparently i found myself a loverboy that lies his ass off and asks every woman he dates to move in.

Ew.

I know this type of man.  I went bankrupt for my stupid year of faith.  But thats another story.  

There is nothing sweeter than a man who needs another income to keep his home.  And then.......there is nothing worse than living in a shithole with an asshole who has zero motivation to do anything about it.

Enough said.

So last night i interacted with the women who have recently and currently been dating him and we all had the same story.  EXCEPT i had not slept with him.  And let me tell you the relief i feel is real. Everyone had the impression he's a nice man, and that they were the only ones dating him.  The ones who he has been dragging along for a year, or two, or EIGHT, were not happy about this revelation. What they do with it is there business, but i promptly texted Mr. Saybrook and told him to take me off his distribution list and not contact me again.  Then i blocked him, since i know he will come around again when he thinks i've forgotten.

These guys.  

Then there's Mr. Jersey.  He's up front about his situation, what he's looking for, and he is discreet but honest.  So far.  He's not a boyfriend type............but there is a place in every womans life for a man like him.  

Mr Music, I'm not interested in being his groupie.  I will however, follow his bands and remain friends.

So there is the update.  Still single.  Still happy.  Still peaceful.