Walking Barefoot in Snow

Been on a dating site the past few weeks, curious to see what is out there when i decide it's time again.  Men can be really......boring.  And crude. And predictable.  At least on these sites - i'm not saying "all men".  I rather like men. Mostly. The interesting ones actually read my profile and start a conversation mentioning things we have in common, etc. They also have more than one picture that shows a glimpse of their lives. At least one picture has to have a smile.   I take these guys more seriously and don't just "delete", and let me tell you- i delete a hell of a lot more than respond.  One sentence, that is not perfectly constructed and succinctly targeting my interests does NOT qualify for a response. "hey" "you're beautiful" "what's up" "how are you" "hi" "Your hair is great" "your eyes are pretty" "whats your name" "love your smile" ...

This weekend was better than the last.  I didn't make any new startling and heartbreaking discoveries so i'm going to consider that a good thing.  My favorite Christmas party was Saturday night, the one i look forward to each year.  I wasn't going to go but the hostess, my friend, basically told me i was going- because i would feel bad if I didn't go and because SHE would feel bad and that of course, is what changed my mind.  I've been told by 3 different people in as many days that i'm "too nice"........that shit has to change. SO- obviously this was a party I went to with the x-bf every year.  These were all originally his friends and they became my friends as well.  Now it feels strange because i'm starting to feel the differences in people........i feel sides being taken due to life circumstances, and changes happening.  I knew it would, i'm sure i'm changing as well.  It hurts though- there is so much more to a breakup than just the ...

A male friend of mine warned me that "they would be crawling out of the woodwork" ......They being men, and crawling is an apt description.  Because like snakes, they have no backbone. Let's review my last month, shall we?  My boyfriend of 13 years broke up with me out of the clear blue sky and a month later I moved out of the house we shared. It was the best month we've had together in years with him spending time at home, sharing in chores, actually TALKING to each other......how it could have- SHOULD have been all along.  I left with the feeling that we loved each other, that we needed a solid break to work on our own selves, and then we would eventually find our way back.  Because that's what love does. Proof that 80's movies have destroyed my reality of love and romance. After doing some reading i realize i was in denial.  BIG denial.  He never once fed into the fantasy that we would ever re-unite.  Even at the end i was fucking clueless. ...

Good days, bad days - they are all the same to me now.  I knew that the temporary lull of peace would not last and that any good feelings i had regarding him would expire.......i knew it, and yet i was so surprised when it happened.  Again.  And Again. Any contact i have with him makes me feel like shit and any contact i don't have with him makes me feel so empty.  Like organs have been removed.  With no pain medication.   This is driving me crazy.  My head keeps telling me it won't go on like this forever and i just have to wade through all the shitty feelings and then put them to rest.  But every time i think i'm done, i get hit with more information and i'm back to the beginning again.   I have to stop this.  He has.  But he hasn't really dealt with it because he got busy banging someone else right away.  He's all good.  The thought of being with anyone else right now makes me feel nauseous but he wants me to...

My daughter is a smart woman and many times I believe i have learned more from her than I was ever able to teach her.  Both my children, actually, blow me out of the water.  If i have done nothing of value in this life except give birth to them, and to know them, i am successful. Now they are adults, living adult lives, making adult choices - and they are better at it than i ever was.  Maybe when you grow up watching someone make stupid mistake after stupid mistake you learn not to follow in their footsteps.  You learn how to avoid the pitfalls. She called me this weekend and told me (in not these exact words) that I needed to not go off the deep end and dishonor the relationship i've had for the past 13 years.  That yes, it ended badly, but that there were a lot of great memories to cherish.  That it hadn't been a waste of time.  That I had learned a lot about myself that i needed to learn. He didn't need to hurt me by letting me know he had bee...

People will say breakups are different for men, that they can sleep with another woman and it doesn't necessarily mean anything. It means something. It means I loved you, and now I nothing you. You weren't the one. I was wrong. I was wrong about anything I thought I saw in you.

Dark Humor Comics By Gypsie Raleigh.....If you haven't experienced her work - Do.

My friends are AMAzing, and I say this with passion.  They aren't "eh" or "meh".  They are the BEST.  I like to think it's because i'm picky about who i consider a friend.  But even most of my acquaintances are pretty damn cool.  Maybe it's because i'm an introvert and choose to spend a lot of my time alone, so when i DO need to be around people- it's only the best. Or if i reach out for a conversation, even online,  it's only because I value their input and trust their judgement.  I may not actually take the advice but I do absolutely consider it.  What's my point?  Everyone thinks their friends are the best.  Don't they? I am extremely flattered when someone says "I have someone I'd like you to meet" - or "I know someone that would love to meet you"........I understand that they are trying to make me happy, or someone else happy...whatever the case.  I get it.  I know that they mean well because th...

Last night i shut my eyes at 9:30pm and did not open them again until 4:30am.  It was the most solid sleep i've had in months if not years.  I do not recall tossing and turning or waking up to look at the clock. How i would love to do that again and again consecutively until i am no longer tired and feeling like i'm dragging myself around. I had a nice big fat glass of wine with dinner and I was only a 1/4 of the way into it when i realized "hey i feel kinda nice".  While cleaning up dinner I thought "well now, i'm nice and relaxed" and by the time i went to bed (not long after) I could barely keep my eyes open to put my audio book on. Guess what my new routine will include?  Damn skippy. And on another completely off topic note:  Miyagi makes grown men giggle and I LOVE THAT.

Yes, the woman who laments about being "alone" all the time is the same woman who really needs a lot of time alone.  I know.  Be me.  I don't even understand me. Here's what I think.  I actually quite enjoy my time alone when i know it will end.  I love knowing that I can read, or putz around for however long and that at the end of that time there will be someone who wants to spend their time with me.  Either, coming home, or meeting me somewhere to do something......so........I'm not really alone, i'm just enjoying my time until I see that someone. The difference - When I do not want to be alone and I need to talk something out, or just be in the presence of someone who cares for me (even if we are doing something entirely different and not even talking to each other) and it NEVER ENDS.  There IS no time that will be mine to look forward to.  It's day in and day out of me waiting to be cared for or considered special enough to have time p...

Facebook is not a friend to someone going through a breakup.  It is a torture device - that allows you to follow the very person you need to cut ties with until your backbone grows back.  Yes, you can "unfriend" them, but what about all the family and friends that are also attached to them?  Maybe i could roll along just fine, scrolling through and then BAM!  Theres a picture, or an event with him tagged that I didn't get to go to.........yeah, screw that noise.  Facebook is off limits to me for a while- maybe a long ass while. GUILTY AS CHARGED Maybe i'm a baby, or being immature but i don't think social media, where emotional time bombs lay ticking, is a good place for me to hang around.  Although it does make me feel very much out of the loop with everyone.....but my friends will always be reachable, with or without "the facebook" as i call it, just to make my daughter cringe. Looks like blogging is my outlet now.  ya. hoo.  ...

When life is in turmoil it is difficult to remember that there is still much to be grateful for.  There is actual effort required to identify something that brings you joy and/or comfort amidst the anxiety and sadness that takes priority during this period of time. And that in itself is something important to remember - "during THIS period of time".  Life will not always feel like this.  It will get better, and worse and better again for as long as we are alive.  This too, is temporary.  Everything is temporary.  Isn't that something to be grateful for? This year I will celebrate Thanksgiving in NYC with my beautiful, caring daughter and her boyfriend. She will house me, feed me, laugh with me, allow me to cry but not for long, and heal me. For her, i am grateful. Last night i ate dinner at my son's home, cooked by his girlfriend, to celebrate his birthday.  I'm not sure when he turned into a man- but to look at him and see his strength, his calm...

Lately i judge the quality of my day based on if/or how many times i've cried with no warning.  For instance, if I can get through a whole conversation without having to swallow my tears or pause and look to the sky for a moment.......more than once in a day......it's a good day. Packing really sucks and I do recall saying I was never ever ever going to move again when we moved into our tiny home.  Apparently i set out to prove just how much crap i could stuff into that tiny home.  Even with the multiple trips to good will and the giving away and purging......i still have so many boxes for JUST ONE PERSON. But then again, i'm the one who moves footlockers filled with notes and do das from my childhood that havent' seen the light of day since.....well, my childhood.  Yet i can NOT let them go.  I've decided to have a "junk party" with both my kids once i've caught my breath and began to function like a normal adult again.  We can sit, all three of u...

I I I iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Feeling more than a little self centered and frankly 'I' am getting bored of it and would like to move along.  Unfortunately, this is where 'I' am right now.  Stuck in the middle of me. The mantra i've shared with friends going through a bad time in the past has always been "this time next year will it matter?"  And yes, in my case, it will still matter.  I will still matter.  He will still matter - WE won't.  Ergo the stuck in me pattern.  I am obsessing.  I am getting angry, sad, curious, excited, depressed, mournful, bitter, forgiving, hateful - pick a minute.  It's a crap shoot.  And i can NOT wait for this part to be over. Yet, i put off moving another week. I am trying to be kind to myself by not loading on the stress right before my sons birthday and Thanksgiving in NYC for a few days- - doesn't seem to be a good time to move a few days before.  I could be wrong, I have been before.  I ...

This blog used to be called "my life in the middle of the street" because that's how i always felt.  A friend recently said to me that she couldn't believe after all this time that HE still seemed to BE "in the middle of the street" after stating that breaking up with me was either the worst or best decision he has ever made. This hit home for me.  It is why, in 13 years i have never felt secure - never felt that he was 100% in it with me.  Because he wasn't.  He has ALWAYS been in the middle of the god damned street.  Or "one foot out the door" as i used to say.  Same thing.   He would get mad when i said this - but then he would get mad any time i said basically anything real so...... I was never a jealous woman.  I find jealousy really stifling and unattractive having been the object of it in my marriage.  Then came him, with all the "always been close to" them girlfriends that popped up YEARS into our relationship.   Or all th...

Today is not a good day. I keep feeling waves of rage all because this morning i noticed he cleaned out his truck all nice and has his nice smelling deodorant and minty gum in the console.  Fucker.  I suppose the "guys" were complaining, eh? I keep playing the soundtrack of our break up in my mind -"i'm not attracted to you anymore.  I don't just mean your looks"........ Could I make a list of shit that has changed with YOU since we first met and fell in love?  Yes. Will I?  No. Because i know that shit hurts and it's petty and i wouldn't do it to anyone. So don't feel special. I have to keep reminding myself that men don't turn into prince charming when there is a break up.  They are the same guy that didn't appreciate you, didn't value you, didn't treat you right while you were together - magnified. So why does my heart hurt?  Because I let it go on for so long and probably would have forever?  Because in the end H...

I meant to take pictures of the house before i started packing and i completely forgot.  Is that morbid?  To want to remember my first real "home"......that was finished and painted the way i wanted before we ever moved in?  Our little tiny home that i loved so much I never wanted to be pried out of the house or off of our deck. Being laid off from work shortly after we moved in left me with a lot of time and no money to decorate however through the years we slowly added furniture and decorations that reflected who we were, not the latest styles.  I've become someone who does what feels good, happy and comfortable, not someone who does what everyone else is doing.  I tried to surround ourselves in items that brought us joy, sentimentality or comfort. Our home reflected that I think.  He says it was always my home, never his - however, "my" home would not have displayed glasses from beer festivals we've attended every year, or Camaros.  Nor would it h...

Youtube has a lot of "self help" videos, i've recently noticed.  Well, i noticed as i was searching for "how to mend a broken heart" like a 16 year old.  I'm not someone who likes pain, contrary to popular belief.  I want to laugh.  I want to feel happy.  I want to feel lightness, and joy.  So- this feeling of something squeezing my chest so i can't take deep breathes without starting to cry- THIS is not how i want to be feeling.  My brain says "shut it down" my heart says "not a fuckin chance bitch". Thats why i'm searching for videos to tell me how to make the hurt stop.  Give me directions on how people get through a break up from a long term relationship that they weren't ready for. But truthfully.  Maybe i did see this coming and maybe i was ready for it.  Not at that moment, and not IN that moment- but yes, I did know we weren't happy and doing nothing about fixing it.  I had become comfortable in my discomfort. I ...

For the past 5 years, my ride in to work has been all beautiful back roads through Wolcott, Cheshire and Hamden.  For so long I hated my commute but i've grown to love this one. The houses are beautiful and i love to see how they are decorated during the different seasons and holidays. I have my favorites of course, the ones i fantasize about what it would be like to live in, and how I would decorate and the parties I would have.  Its not even the big huge expensive (although i believe they are ALL expensive) homes that attract me.  It's the different ones.  The ones that you can't tell what the layout is from the outside.  You just know there are cozy nooks in that house.  One of my favorites is located on a tight curve and it is nestled right into it.  One of the trees on the road has wooden arrows pointing in all different directions with the names of cities all over the country painted on them.  They had that up BEFORE pinterest.  And ...

It must be an awful feeling to rip apart someones life, so I get that you would want to try and make me (yourself) feel better by reaching out with nonsensical messages such as "hope you're having a good day".  I mean, i know the intention was a good one, but really?  Fuck you.  My good days are on hold for a "bit" until I can begin to recognize my life again, thank you.  Do I sound angry?  At this moment, i am.  Try me in 5 minutes and there may be snot pouring out of my nose and lot of trying to suck air in between the wrenching sobs.  Or I might just be registering students for next semester.  Who the fuck knows what emotion will pour out of my face and body in the next moment?  Do you? I want to thank you for not doing this to me while i was trying to get my own shit straight.  Seriously. Had you not been so chivalrous you may have had a bridge jumping on your hands.  Smart move to sit tight during my crisis of "why do i feel ...

Selective memory isn't something you want when your spouse is breaking up with you.   During the first few days, at least from my personal experience, you will only remember all the good things you are losing as you walk back and forth between the same two rooms not knowing what the hell to do with all these FEELINGS. You will hurt, you will rage, you will want to beg (don't) you will want to make deals, or talk them into not leaving you.  These aren't to be shared with that person.  That person gave up the right to know your innermost workings.  Fuck that person and i don't mean literally.  You need to remember ALL of it, like all the NOT so good things you will no longer have to deal with. And to the person DOING the breaking up- be honest, be kind, be quick and be the fuck gone. It is not a kindness to the person you are breaking up with to be too nice.  I'm here to tell you that it will be taken as a ray of hope that you are changing your mind, that y...

Over. When asked if he wanted this relationship he said "do I have to tell you now?".....Yes, and you already have just by that answer but I need to hear you say it. "No". What more is needed to end love, when yours is no longer wanted.  "I'm not attracted to you anymore"... that. To have the lips you have kissed a thousand times sneer at you during this, the moment of your heartbreak....is to seal the fate of this malnourished love. The final gasping breath caught in my chest, hard as a rock. I loved you with all of my heart and accepted the love you gave me but you are right, i'm not the same. I can no longer accept less than being loved wholly and unconditionally by the man who shares my life. Or I will simply not share. I wish you no ill will, and I hope that one day you remember me with a smile. I hope that one day I remember you with a smile. For now, I will try to smile and hide my pain, move forward and leave you in my past.

Re-visiting this blog renders feelings of guilt - something i haven't kept up on that i really felt i should.  Something that would be productive,if only for me- and positive, again- only for me.  So i begin by apologizing to myself for not being diligent in upholding the promises i make to myself- this blog being only one failed promise in a long line of well meaning intentions. The problem: How much telling is too much?  Why is it okay to write about these things but not THESE things?  Who says?  Ultimately who cares?  Aside from the person or two or three that may identify themselves here either correctly or incorrectly, no one will care and yet some may be mildly entertained. Or maybe even knowing it is not them of which i speak, they will identify the sameness that sticks to all of us.   You may not have walked a mile in my shoes but i'm sure you've taken some of the same steps.  Not the exact same as her over there, or him in here, bu...

Memorial Day weekend usually finds us in New Hampshire with friends.  "We" being a group of our friends who all own a party house together, my boyfriend of 12 years and myself.  Through the years our activities have changed, but the underlying vibe is to hang out with good company, away from work and chores and electronics and just RELAX.  There is also almost always tag-sales and flea markets to stop in and check out.  This year was no different. The whole field was covered with flea market tables, tents and vehicles.  As far as i could tell in a quick glance there was nothing there I was going to be interested in.  I have this horrible fear that I will become a hoarder, therefor I have a bad habit of throwing everything away- so what is the point in buying?  I do, however, collect Buddha's (and more recently elephants) both because they bring me joy.  Simple.  I bought my first Buddha years ago in West Virginia, believe it or not.  S...

There is something i want/need to share with you- and i never thought i'd be excited about something like this but I am in awe right now over the seeming powers of Apple Cider Vinegar as a cure. Around Christmas i began developing hives that rather than come and go (per usual) decided to stay and multiply.  The first appearance was on my chest, which is typical for me - and then spread over (and under) my breasts, ribs and stomach.  When they started showing up on my sides, reaching towards my back the man demanded that I go seek medical attention. I tried to go see my doctor (which is another blog in itself) and ended up instead at a walk in clinic where the "not really a doctor" who I like to refer to as "the health inspector" gingerly lifted my shirt and then ran (okay walked quickly) out of the room to go look up what he had seen on his computer.  I wish i had thought of that before walking in to pay someone a $50 copay to do what i could have done.  Anywa...

My new years resolution is literally to say "fuck off" more often.  Fuck off to useless tasks, to worrying about situations that aren't mine to change, to owning other peoples emotions, to unrealistic expectations. Fuck off to explaining myself to anyone, fuck off to being patient, to feeling fat, to worrying about wrinkles.  FUCK OFF to  anyone who doesn't appreciate my humor, my questions, my interest or my attention.  Fuck off uncomfortable pants, painful shoes, hair dye, push up bra's and fake nails.  Fuck off boring movies, badly written books and cable television!   Angry, humorless, mean spirited people......fuck off. I had a week off between Christmas and new years and i tried to jam seeing all my friends and family in that i haven't been able to spend time with because i waste so much time on stupid shit. No more. Fuck off anything that does not serve me, please me or need me.  How's that for a resolution?    ...