uncomfortable as Fuck

 Last blog was about being able to sit with my discomfort.

Well i have and i've proven i can and now I'm all set with that shit.  Thank you very much.

Also i've learned a very important lesson that i have been fighting against all my adult life.  DO NOT SLEEP WITH A MAN you are interested in as relationship material until you are in fact, in a relationship.

I know, i know.  "we aren't kids".....blah blah blah.  No.  I'm not a kid.  I'm a grown up and i need to protect myself better from the bullshit.  I like sex, i'm goddamn good at it too but only someone who IS IN A RELATIONSHIP with me is getting access to that part of me.  This go around, this bonding with a man who wasn't ready for a relationship, never mind with ME, has sent me through a loop.  I got bonded to him, i sure as hell did.  And he did not get bonded to me.  And now, i'm fucked. 

I knew he checked all the boxes AND is handsome as hell AND has a great sense of humor AND all the things that make me wild.  The bad boy look with the mushy insides and ......smart.  shudder.  I knew i was in trouble and i paid no attention.  BAD GIRL.  

Can you fall in love at first sight?  No.  I don't think so.  But i think the possibility gets stirred up and as you get to know each other you add or subtract.  I was busy adding and he was.......not.  Rule number one (and i reallllly hate rules) is do not date emotionally unavailable men.  Just do not.  It's not a commentary on if they are good or bad........it just means you are going to spend a lot of time trying to prove yourself when you can't.  When you shouldn't have to.  You can't fix it.  It's not your issue, but YOU will be the one paying the price.  So don't do it.  If he is that wonderful he will work on his own issues and get available emotionally.  Or he won't.  That is entirely up to him.  If you are empathetic, as i am, you will fight yourself, you will pledge to "be there" for a man that doesn't want or need you there.  Just don't.  Save yourself. 

So thats two rules that i had to learn not to break.   Do i regret the hurt feelings and literal pain in my chest, the tears i haven't cried for a man in years.........no.  I don't.  I wouldn't give the time back if I could.  I'm glad i met him, i'm glad we spent the time together we did and i have a few good memories.

Will i remember that he let me down very courteously and allowed me to keep my pride in tact?  Or will i remember one particular night where little sleep was had and the next day he begin the rapid withdrawal into himself and away from me.  Probably the latter.   

Tomorrow i'll get up and be relieved that i know it's not going anywhere and i can go back to my manless stress free happy life. And the next time a friend says "hey i know a guy" i'm going to laugh my ass off.  

Let him come to me then.  Because this woman, has handed in her balls.  

Oops i did it again

 I've been making little notations in my bullet journal lately - trying to give myself little reminders of supportive statements, compliments, happy things that happen to me each day.  So peppered within my list of books I want to read next, movies i want to keep an eye out for, small goals to reach and reminders, I have little drops of positivity.

Because i need to remind myself sometimes, that life is good.  Just because everything isn't my way doesn't make it not good. 

A goal i have currently is to learn how to sit with discomfort.  I don't have to fix something immediately that will eventually work itself out naturally.  Just be uncomfortable.  It won't kill me.  

I haven't perfected it.  Not by a longshot.  But in fairness, it's a new concept for me.  A new goal.  I've pretty much gone 56 years of my life avoiding discomfort.  And THAT has landed me in the shit over and over again.  Old dogs can, in fact, learn new tricks and i'm going to prove it to myself.

I met someone.  I wasn't looking.  Well, i was dating when asked out, but i wasn't cruising the dating sites, or forcing myself to interact with strangers.  Going out on a date for me, is like pulling a tooth. For fuck sakes i'm so sick of meeting new men and not feeling a thing.  Or looking at them talking to me and wondering when i can go home.  Or having to flat out tell them, no, i don't want to smack lips with you in a fucking parking lot.  That is literally the last place i want to get kissed....

off topic....

A couple of weeks ago a girlfriend contacted me and said "hey, i think you might like this guy" in more words than that......and I, being me, reached out to him and tattled on her for being a match maker.  We had a short convo and that was that.  No biggie, it was a haha moment and over.

Until the next day when he reached out to me.  And we started talking.  My girlfriend said i "had balls" to reach out to a total stranger and he said the same damn thing!  It's not balls.  It's a lack of patience.  It's a lack of caring what other people think.  He is handsome.  Came with a recommendation (how often does THAT happen) so i took my shot.  And we decided to meet.

I've gone on a lot of dates.  a LOT of dates.  I've been asked out for a second about 90% of the time and i've actually gone out for a second time about 20% of the time.  Having it turn into anything has happened 2% of the time over the past 2 years.  And those did not last long.  And it was because i picked wrong.  I'm sure there is someone out there for each of those men, but it wasn't me.  Nobody likes hearing it, but it's kinder to say it when you know it to be true.  I don't drag anyone along.  Its not because i'm a good person it's because once i know, i can't stand to be around them anymore.  Truth.  I feel horrible about that, but it is what it is.  When i see the reason we aren't going to work, i'm done.

off topic again......

When i walked into the restaurant he turned and saw me and smiled.  I felt my insides go mushy.  Just like that.  I sat next to him at the bar and throughout our date i found myself touching him, (WHAT THE FUCK MB) and giggling uncontrollably ....like a moron.  Like i was drunk, but i wasnt.  I was giddy.  I leaned in to say something in his ear, got a whiff of his scent and .....starting wondering if he would PLEASE kiss me in the parking lot.  I don't want to describe him, because thats not the point to this blog.  The point is, I didn't feel like me.  He is not my first handsome man.  I have never swooned.  NEVER.  This is gonna end badly for me.

The last time i lost my head over a man I ended up in a 13 year relationship that was supposed to be a distraction.  Swoony is not a good thing for this woman.  ALARM ALARM ALARM....which of course, i promptly ignored.

It feels good to feel so good with someone.  To see a text from him and feel that happy shot, to hear his ring tone and dive for the phone to hear his voice.   It feels amazing to lay in  the arms of a man I feel completely safe with and just breathe in a way I haven't for many years.  To catch his eye and feel warm inside, speechless.  

We talked/texted every day.  We spent hours on end together.  And then he withdrew, slowly, not without warning...but withdrew.  He has his reasons.  I don't think i was understanding that we weren't going to be communicating, or seeing each other ........again?  or for an undetermined amount of time?  I thought i understood his words, but i misinterpreted.  I thought i was going to be part of the process......because we were in the beginning of getting to know each other... and it was good.  It has nothing to do with me, or if we were "a match", so........i guess i didn't understand.

I have an anxious attachment style, so i've learned.  And that's if i feel attached which is never.  Mostly i'm annoyed by men that try to get close.  Defense?  possibly.  However, my attachment style which was dormant, is now alive and well.  Thanks mom and dad.  Thanks for abandoning me and giving me a lifelong complex of fuckedupedness with which to chase all the good men away with.  

I tried to reign it in. Step back, give space, don't take it personally. Let him know i'm here, I care, I want to support him..........but no, instead all the crazy comes out and i start having panic attacks.  literally.  On the phone with my bestie, one minute fine, the next minute crying.  Crying at the drop of a hat.  And then i go looking for reassurance from him, someone who can't give it to me right now.  He's not in a place to handle my crazy.  And then i feel like a complete asshole.

Do i need to know immediately if we are going to be a thing?  No.  But yes.  Because i can't sit with being uncomfortable.  I need reassurance that it's not me that is keeping him away from me.  And there it is, the problem.  Because that isn't his cross to bear and is the exact opposite of what he truly does need in a partner. ( I'm being vague because his business is not mine to tell.)

I'm always complaining about instant relationships and men that can't leave me alone and are always up my ass sucking up my me time.....then i meet him and i'm the one that is a pest.  Life makes no sense.

This is what i'm experiencing now.  Complete chaos in my head because these feeling are alien to me and i never  thought i'd be so needy of one mans attention ever again.  And i mean EVER again.  I think about him, wonder if he is okay, want to do anything to help easy his pain.........and we barely know each other when it comes down to it.

I saw myself escalating and pulled back.  I don't know this space, its new to me.  To pull away from someone i have started to care for feels wrong.  I don't know what to do, so instead of harassing him with texts that go unanswered now.........i am just here doing nothing.

He isn't the kind to Ghost.  He is a good, decent man. I believe everything he has told me and that in itself unheard of for me.  I trust him. So i will sit in my discomfort, and i will question my sanity, and i will be patient and hope that someday it works out for us.  That's what i needed to come around to.  I have to be okay with possibly being a dumbass that gets played, because i think he is worth getting to know much better.   Maybe i'm an idiot.  Or maybe life isn't easy and shit happens and people aren't perfect.  Maybe that.  

yeah.

 “Oh, f**k me side-sally. Who the hell’d want to read about all this horsesh*t anyway?”

FAFAFA FACEBOOK MEMORIES

 I’ve been sad the past few days.  Damn Facebook and it’s “memories”. 

Most of the time I kind of snicker and shake my head at what a complete idiot I was, purposely blind, blissfully ignorant.  But my traitor heart doesn’t listen to my intellect or the lessons I’ve learned in life.  It feels what it feels, and it defies all logic.

Good thing I don’t make decisions by listening to my heart, no matter what Roxette says.

I’m in my head a lot, and that will never change but I firmly believe that is what has kept me going when I wanted to give in and quit.  Not life, just the living of it.  I’m too stubborn and spiteful to ever give anyone the satisfaction of not being here on this earth.  But my will……..sometimes it needs a rest.

Thoughts can be poison so here I am, ready to spew.  All the karma I could have ever wished to see came around.  The man who played me, destroyed the life I loved, left me and never looked back?  He got everything he deserved.  Does it make me happy?  Nope.  And that seriously pisses me off.

It dragged up petty and spiteful thoughts, a small child stamping its foot in my head screaming “ITS NOT FAIR”.  He put me through all that and then……it wasn’t even successful.  What an asshole.  

This morning a friend we had in common kept interrupting my thoughts.  Finally, because these thoughts were so intrusive and persistent, I asked out loud “What the fuck Heather, What???”  I swear, I heard her laughing.  Her body has been silent for years, but she still lives large in memories when she wants to.

I don’t have the phone we used to text back and forth on anymore.  I lost a lot of pictures on that phone as well.  It was an instrument of pain and memories so I literally chucked it.  No such thing as a “cloud” to me at that time, so the memories are all still there, but not the proof of them.  So I went to my next source of history, FACEBOOK.  Conversations live there forever.  I read our interactions, her truths, her support, the love she showed me when she didn’t have to.  I cried as I read. Because I didn’t listen to her or any of my other friends who tried so hard to save me from myself.  To save me from him.

I had an evil thought of sharing parts of those conversations but they are dear to me and not for anyone else.  And she isn’t here to speak for herself or what she said.  It’s between us alone now.

She had tried to set me up with a close friend of hers after my relationship imploded.  I know I reached out, I know we chatted, but I know I wasn’t ready for any kind of expectations or projections in a romantic way.  The idea of caring for anyone was terrifying so I closed off the possibility of it ever happening. 

I dated like a crazy person, reminds me of bowling balls……..me charging at men and knocking them out of my path as I headed full speed into a dark hole of regret.  Rest while new men lined up neatly only for me to return to the beginning and do it all over again.  Some stood longer than others. 

Because I am a curious person and one that likes to stick my tongue up against canker sores frequently and hard………….I peeked at her friend's Facebook page.  He has passed.  She is gone.  He is gone.  And I am still here.  Life makes no sense. 

Life moves on and the cliché’s that describe it are truths.  You only live once, you never know when it will end, appreciate the people you love, live your dreams, don’t hold back, don’t be afraid to love.

But I am. 

Single means no one can hurt me like that again.  Independent means no disappointment when someone's word means nothing.  Freedom means I do what I want, when I want, how I want.  Alone.

I felt the need to work this out here.  And it makes sense to me, if not to you.  But thank you for the company. xoxo

March 27, 2004

 Looks like March 27th 2004 was a big day for me.  I had 3 blog entries which i will now read to myself and try not to reach out into the past and slap my dumb face.

Entry #1 where i talk about painting my kitchen (at the time i was living in Old Saybrook and had moved into an apartment "as is") I talk about me calling D and him being cranky and snapping my head off. Then i got a text at 1am from his brother.  hmmmmm.   It says his brother then called me and we talked and he made me laugh and i asked myself "what is wrong with this picture?"

 HONEY.

The second entry is me complaining that it shouldn't be his brother calling me, making me laugh and putting a smile on my face.  It should be D. Who doesn't seem to give a care.  I ask myself, am i thinking about this too much....I talk about how D constantly tells me what he's going to do and never actually does it.  How when i point out that he cancels on me quite a bit he turns it around on me, getting angry and calling me unreasonable.  

Third entry! 

"I know i need to protect myself because i see major hurts coming down the pike.  If he can't keep his word to me, i need to be able to disconnect."

What the actual fuck was i waiting for?  A blast of lightening?  A boulder to land on my head?  A train to hit me?   This mantra began in 2004.  To say i was slow is an understatement.

I saw all the signs, i IDENTIFIED the behavior, that it was wrong for me.......and yet, i continued on. Trying to make "the right man at the wrong time" something he never was.  

What would i say to myself if I had the chance to go back in time and talk to me?  What could i say that my closest friends weren't already saying?  Leave him.  Move on.  He's not the one and he will never make you happy.  I heard it all.  And promptly ignored it.

But why?

This is what i struggle with to this day.  Years later i have become the exact opposite.  If a man looks at me or speaks to me in a cranky way, i'm done.  If he cancels a date, i'm done.  If he does ANY LITTLE thing that reminds me of my ex........i'm done.  Cold, hard , fast.....dead to me.  Keep it moving. 

I can't say that is an improvement, it's just a change.  Another reaction instead of an action.

But how do i stop?  Maybe it's by actually using my words and listening to his without the weight of my baggage hanging over my arm.  Maybe when a man shows interest in me, makes me laugh and wants to actually spend time with me (outside of bed) it's because i'm likeable.  And maybe my mental status shouldn't rely so heavily on what anyone, family, friend or man thinks of me or what i'm doing or not doing.  Maybe my validation needs to come from me.  The one living my life.

It's a thought.

I found it!

 Who puts their laptop in the BACK of the huge walk in closet?  Me.  Tonight i dug it out but to get to it, i had to dig.  the mini safe was right in front of it, of course, so i started to lug it out of the way and the top opened.  "What the hell is that anyway?" i ask myself as i reach inside to pull out the bulk of copy paper.  

Its my first blog.  The one that started on AOL hometown and transferred over to Yahoo 360 and then eventually just died off.  I had printed it, probably because i didn't want it to completely disappear.  I met a lot of people through that blog.  I made real friendships.  

And i had no filter.  That hasn't changed much.  

I wanted to sit down and start reading ....and then i thought, theres gonna be hard stuff in here.  I'm already kind of "off" due to the holiday and do i realllly want to add some more weight onto my shoulders at this point?  But......now i've found it and I know I want to read it.

What if you were given the chance to talk to your almost 20 year younger self?  What if you could read day by day a new entry and respond to it?  Like a friend, a mentor, or someone who loves you.  What if you could see how much you've changed, or how much you've stayed the same?

Wouldn't that be therapeutic?  Kinda fun even?  

For a moment i considered writing a completely separate blog for this endeavor, I do have an "adult" blog under a different name which may or may not eventually be merged with this one.  But i think it's best to just jump.  Don't think too much here.  Go with it.  

My blogs have always been about releasing and venting and thinking unclear unfocused thoughts.......i ramble, i swear, i don't always use proper grammar and .....it's okay with me. I don't imagine this little project will be any different.

So here we go.  March 2004 to February 2006......What have you got for me?

Father's Day on a Connecticut Public Beach

There's been a funky vibe in the air for me the past few weeks. Nothing wrong, nothing feeling right.  Just "off".  Someone suggested i get by the water to get myself right again and it's been on my mind to do just that.  When my roomie asked me to go to the beach with her the first thing i thought was "not on a weekend, no way" and then i accepted her invitation. 

The beach to me is where i... go to sit and watch the ocean, listen to the waves ...the things i cannot do anywhere but there.  If there are people enjoying that same view, excellent.  It's a peaceful feeling to see the seemingly neverending water lap up onto the shore.  A reminder that i am very small and insignificant when it all comes down to it.  Which makes my worries even smaller.....in the grand scheme of things.

That, surprisingly, is comforting and rejuvenating.  That vastness, that repetitive beating of the waves on the shore.....even the smell. 

okay so i like the beach when i can get to it.  I think i've made my point, and you get the picture.  

Here's the thing.  Many different types of people also enjoy the beach all for their own reasons, and they too go with their own agendas on how they would like to spend their time there.

I like shade, a book and a chair.  Maybe a nap on a blanket.  

Others, like to play football or soccer or frizbee. 

Or they bring their kids to enjoy the water and make sand castles.

We all have our ways.  

So today.........

We get there early so we can pick out spot and lay claim to what will be our little island for the day. We sit, feeling accomplished, and watch the waves and listen to the ocean....the air still has a little chill on it as the sun begins to warm us.  Bliss i tell you.  just bliss.

to us.  because thats how we want to experience the day. 

People begin to pour in, and where we sat we got to see them all.  I'm a people watcher and i was loving it.  It's hot girl summer you know, so i loved seeing all the apple shapes, pear shapes, every shap you can imagine walking onto the beach in their chosen beach apparel.  I LOVE all the bikinis on bodies that never used to show them when i was younger.  HELL YEAH.   Celebrate our differences.  Appreciate our unique shapes and sizes.  It's about damn time.......but i digress.

I see a man walk by with the strangest cooler i've ever seen.....and then i realize, its a speaker.

oh shit.  

please keep walking. please keep walking.

nope.  He landed right next to a young couple sitting together on their blanket.  kinda on top of them actually.

A bunch of people with all the beach equipment follow and begin to set up camp compared to our little island.  They had it all.  Screened in shelters, you name it....and it was all set up quickly. 

Then the music comes on. 

Let me tell you....i enjoy all kinds of music.  I  knew the songs that were playing and i like them.  BUT  Bitch better have my money (my favorite Notorious) doesn't really mingle well with everyone.  

i love Cardi B.  I can tell you that there were people on that beach that were made very uncomfortable with the lyrics.

Weather or not it was because of kids, or swearing or the heavy bass.........it really doesn't matter.

They dropped their private party into the middle of a public place and forced all of us t.o attend.

Yes there was drinking (i was jealous) yes, there was smoking, yes there was a raging party on a sunny sunday afternoon with loud music and people yelling over it to talk to each other.

I'm nosy as hell.  I like it when i can hear conversations.  Especially drunk men conversations.  

HOWEVER

I can't hear the ocean, I can't hear the earphones i finally gave in and stuck into my ears....i can't hear anything but them.  And it pissed me off.

Some things, you let go because your are just trying to have a nice day.  

Someone didn't though, someone actually asked them to please turn the music down.

Guess what happened.

Lots of cussing and angry man talk with the end result being that they turned the music UP and played on song on repeat.  

I was so happy when they left at the end of the day.

Like really happy.  LIke my eardrums were over joyed happy.  And my peaceful beach experience?  I still had it.  Because it was just me and i didn't have my elderly parents with me, or my kids, or people i had to take care of.

What would happen if i showed up at the beach with a large speaker and played, Cannibal Corpses.  Or maybe Mudvayne......Korn even.  I love it.  Lots of people love it.  But its' not the time or place.  

The beauty of a public beach is the differences we all share.  we all want to spend the day by the ocean. We all know the wee ones are going to kick sand because they haven't learned yet....we know kids will run and yell and scream because ........they are kids.

But when ADULTS plant themselves into the middle of other people and infringe on their good time......thats not okay.  

Rent a hall, go to someones house, go somewhere that a bunch of very different people from all walks of life are not all hanging out together.  

It's not okay to be rude.  It's not okay to force yourself on other people.  

EVERYONE should be able to take their families to the beach and enjoy the day.  Shit, i hear a kid cry and i get swivel head along with all the other mothers....we watch out, together, regardless of who the kids belong too.  Kid okay? okay, carry on.  

This is how it should be for everyone there.  Watch out for each other.  Make room, don't invade someones space because you can.  Not cool. 

So when you go to the beach or a pubic place, BE WHO YOU ARE, but allow others to do the same.  Don't be an asshole.