Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Yesterday someone from my past popped up.  I've referred to him before, the guy I dated shortly that works at the same place as me (although in a different department and building which is how I foolishly justified it) The one that turned out to still be married?  But I only found out about THAT recently due to my taking a new job within the same company and working with people who know him.  So I found out by overhearing a conversation. Now I have to say I've dated a married man, although, I had no knowledge of it.  Men are shit. Some men. The men I pick. Anyways, he found my social media and commented and now thinks I want to have conversations with him.  Because of what happened to him, and his health, his memory seems off.  I have no sympathy.  No care.  No interest.  He is still the guy that cheated on his wife and lied to me and I'm going to bet many others. I never even counted him as a relationship.  He was an experience....

 Some days i struggle with something to write about.  I've tried to make writing a part of my morning routine, and admittedly I don't really stick to that on the weekend. I arrive at work ridiculously early and I take that time to myself to write while I have a cup of coffee. Mr. Jersey seems to be a reply guy.  He peppers me with text messages and pictures (I do really like his style) but nothing of any real substance.  So I will let that go on until it peters out.  He's not a jerk. I finished reading the book "All the wonderful and ugly things" yesterday and I've never read a novel like this before.  It kept me reading, but I couldn't figure out if I was routing for the two mains or if I was disgusted.  I love books like that,that you think are going to be a little story but turn into conflicting feelings........you know, like real life. Now I'm on to the next book - which hopefully will grab me like the last.  I've been reading a lot again and ...

I no longer feel like a bottomless pit.  I no longer feel nauseous all day, nor am i getting up in the middle of the night to vomit.  I went off the Ozempic, had a month of stuffing my face like an out of control maniac, and now, I'm on Mounjaro. There are people who think drugs are not needed to lose weight, and I would agree.  However, I'm not someone who can stand the constant feelings of hunger no matter how much I eat.  I don't get full.  Even when I was a child, my mother used to say she never knew I was sick until I was REALLY sick because I never stopped eating. I've had a lifelong struggle with food, even though I was not overweight until I became pregnant with my son.  During that pregnancy I gained 70 pounds and I did not loose that "baby weight" until he was 12 years old..........I went on weight watchers and it took me 18 months to lose it.  And I lost more than I needed to......i kept going.  To the point where friends were telling m...

"  last night I went out with a man who has been asking me out for 2 years. I was very honest about not feeling that way about him and he insisted that he just wanted us to get to know each other better. throughout the night he kept making reference to getting more intimate. I am far from a prude but I am so tired of this. literally anyone can get sex. I want the whole package. I have to be able to get to know the man to see if I even like him. The dates that I have gone on always seem to be like they're on a mission to get into bed. I told him I want to date like it's 1986 where people took the time to get to know each other, Go out on dates, have things escalate slowly.... no one wants to put that kind of time in anymore. I think I'm done." I posted the message above in the 50+ and single group on facebook. The response was a LOT of comments from women saying they are experiencing the same thing. We are all tired, bored and disappointed with men's behavior...

After careful consideration, I have decided to withdraw my application. There.  That was easy.  Now I can return to enjoying my life and being enveloped in peace. Focusing on what is real and present in my life is the sane way to live.  Lets try that for a bit, shall we? This weekend can't come soon enough.  I am so looking forward to working on my 2025 bullet journal (finishing touches) and getting my grocery list in line with eating healthy.  I'm listening to an audiobook "The book of doors" by Gareth Brown and reading "All the Ugly and Wonderful Things" by Bryn Greenwood.  Still staying away from the true crime podcasts for a bit. I've got some cleaning and relaxing by myself to do.  Besides the bullet journal I have a few projects that hopefully I will have time to dip into. Hell, I might just sit and stare out the window with a cup of coffee. The point is, it will be peaceful. ..........i have an addiction to blankets and candles.  Recently, ...

Shenanigans is what i named the chat group I started during Covid.  It was quite popular for a while, and a lot of fun.  People joined, and left, joined and left........but there was always "the core" who survived the drama and more drama that some created and lived on. The chat group no longer exists (well, it does but its now run by someone else and I have no idea who is a member) but the core does.  We try to get together at least once a month, and have gone away together on long weekends.  We now call ourselves "la familia".  All but one of us met in July of 2021 for the first time in person.  It was memorable for many reasons.....one being that I came face to face with the man who once canceled a date with me because he saw a picture of "my size".  He was polite about it....he said "I'm sorry, but I'm not attracted to big women so there is no point in meeting".  The night of our first group gathering I watched him watch me and regret...

The alarm wasn't set yesterday morning and I actually overslept.  That rarely happens.......i woke with one eye and thought "the room is very light" and then asked Alexa what time it was...then I asked her what day it was.....without moving an inch out from under my covers where my feet stuck out at the bottom.... Then I dove from the bed considering not taking a shower and what I might wear in a hurry....like the old days when I would wake up at his house on a Friday morning and not be left with enough time for all the  get ready for work stuff..... But that's not who I am anymore.  Im not at that place where I have to worry if I'm 2 minutes late or if I'm going to be "in trouble" if I'm late.  So I took my shower, dressed myself and put my hair in a pony tail with light makeup.  All set.  I'll buy lunch today as a treat.  Out the door. Since I get to work early every day, I wasn't even late. I'm that good. Now...........if a man was...

 Here's a blog that can only be described as "meandering"  Do all singles in their 50's feel socially handicapped while getting to know someone that they may or may not want date?  Do you assume that they must be interested if they are making time to talk to you? I vacillate between caring too much or not caring at all. I'm not sure which I'm more afraid of.  Texting - how important is this?  I like to text someone I'm getting to know but not in a routine way.  I don't want good morning and good nights (unless we are texting at night and it's time to go to bed)  I don't want routine, but at the same time, I want consistency.  If we are getting to know each other, I want him to be as curious about me, also wondering about me and what I might be up to ........as I am about him. I want him to have a life and not be up my butt texting all day every day - but if I'm not hearing from him  I assume he isn't interested in me, or he is more inte...

 This year is different.  I went to 3 churches this weekend, to buy cookies made by old ladies and to rummage through church tag sales and crafts. Three churches.  not one.  Three. My friends in Milford do this every year apparently, and this year I was scooped into the festivities.......conveniently left as a surprise, ehem.  I was NOT allowed to stay back at the house, nor was I allowed to sit in the car......sons of bitches.  I mean, what awesome friends. I had the best time.....I'm serious.  How very strange.   I also had an epiphany....I thrift shop for myself and 90% of my clothing is thrifted. It's a treasure hunt. My girlfriend buys all her grandsons clothing and toys thrifted and these kids are stacked....designer clothes, the best toys.......why have I not been doing this? She laid down the law with her family this year and said no more gift cards and newly bought items.....gifts must be thrifted, or made.  Gifts must be though...

 Years ago i used to go away for the weekend with my bf, and a bunch of friends pretty regularly.  Especially in the winter.  I'd pack us up to go and after work we would hit the road for New Hampshire or Vermont.  I have very fond memories of those weekends spent with people we love. I'm not a daredevil or sporty person.  I'm a bookworm who likes to be left alone when reading.  So these weekends were really nice.  They would all hit the trails or the slopes and i would stay in the cozy house with my book and lounge around relaxing (after cleaning up breakfast and later prepping for dinner).  One of the days the ladies would stay back and we would go shopping, puzzle making, and game playing.  I really valued that time with them. It took me some time to realize a much as i used to enjoy the time alone with my bf on the ride up and back, those weekends were about friends, group activities, relaxing, sharing the chores of prepping and cleaning ...

 I hate putting air in my tires.  Literally HATE it.  I don't mind putting gas it in, taking it to the car wash, cleaning it out once in a while.....i know how to jump it if needed, have replaced fuses and a gear shift....If i had the tools and a place i could probably do most maintenance to my own car.    However, for some stupid reason, putting air in my tires rocks my world.  I suck at it.  It's always gotta be rainy and cold when i need to do it, and i have been shown multiple times by multiple men HOW to do it but my preference is that somebody else do it.   When i was younger, and i'm a little ashamed to admit this, all i had to do was pop the hood and stand there looking confused and some man would come help within moments.  I would be scared to try that now.  I'm neither young or old enough to get away with that.  Women my age are invisible. More than once i have been told by a man at a gas station that i shouldn't have...

 i made one of my silly tik toks talking about someone I was once close with and apparently he saw it because he sent me a "sorry" text. I felt bad for about 2 minutes and then I realized I was neatly falling into old patterns with him.  He would do something that I didn't appreciate and made me feel bad, I would speak up (hoping he would understand and maybe not keep doing it to me) and then HE would get mad, or hurt.  I'd end up apologizing for making him feel, and i'd walk away completely confused and upset. I don't do that anymore. Now, when someone acts in a way that is questionable, or makes me uncomfortable - I use my words and if they aren't interested in having an adult conversation where we express our point of views and come to an understanding .......I'm all set with that.   Sometimes how someone feels isn't at all what you expected, but needed to hear.   I can honestly say I have never wanted to make any man involved with me feel bad....

 I learned early on not to get overly friendly with neighbors, especially when renting.  It's enough to know who lives near you, give a smile and a nod when you see them, maybe a bit of chit chat for a few minutes, but nothing too personal, and not for too long. I moved 5 times in 5 years after a breakup.  I couldn't find my space.  THE space that was meant for me.  Finally, I found where I am now and I've been here 3 years, 4 leases. I have WINDOWS, a private deck, no hallways to walk through to get to my apartment and although I have a neighbor on each side of me and one above....i rarely hear them.  I hear the man upstairs but it's normal noise, and can be comforting knowing someone is near.   Because I've been here a few years now, with no loud parties, no police activity and a pretty decent citizen status, a few of the people who have been here for a LONG time have started chatting me up when I take Miyagi for a walk.  The guy next door,...

Yesterday i felt like i do when i can't explain why i feel so.........eww. One thought that has occurred to me is that I was taken off the weight loss medication due to awful side effects and not put on another.  I have an appointment with my provider today to discuss next steps however, I've been free flying for the past month. When I feel out of control, sad, angry, I binge.  I feel like the bottomless pit.  I never feel full.  The beauty of the drugs was that I ALWAYS felt full and couldn't binge if I wanted to! So, binge eating while in a dark place around the holiday with every available sugary food possible in my face.........guess who gained?   It's a horrible cycle, feel sad, eat, what you eat makes you feel like crap and gain weight, feel worse, binge more because why the hell not?  My body is killing me again.  I can't keep up this way.   Yesterday was, for some reason, really hard.  I was sad, cry babying, not able to con...

 are  crazy. I said it. I've known more than a few and every.single.one has proven to be crazy. I must like that. When i'm looking, no-one is interested.  When i'm happy, and cozy, ready to settle in for a long winters nap...they crawl out of the woodwork.   Why?  I'm fat, old, my bones hurt, i'm kinda cranky when i'm not laughing too hard....and i get blocked by men I dated so they don't have to see me on social media.  Wimps.  All of them.  I'm too much for them and they aren't enough for me.  I could rip myself apart, think that i'm not good enough but the fact is i'm just not easy enough for low effort men.  I can live with that. My family loves me, my friends love me, and i love me.  If these men can't get on board with my need for transparency, honesty, MANLINESS and a backbone then i'm not the one.  One man will be lucky to have me and i deserve to also be lucky to have him.  New Jersey isn't that far.  ...

Saturday night, when i went to see the bands with my friends a man I dated for a short time showed up.  I only knew because one of my friends recognized him when he came in. He thinks he's a big badass and acts like the world should stop when he arrives. I'm a bigger badass than him.  That's all I'm saying. I carried on having a good time with my friends and promptly forgot he existed.  If he made his way over to me, i'd say hello, be polite and that'd be it.  If he didn't make his way over, even better.   Let me say, I had forgotten about him after I cut it off, however, he started dating a woman who felt the need to reach out and tell me he told her alllllll about me the first time they met. Okay, weirdo. But when she continued to message me, and THEN told me he was sitting next to her, I may have lost my temper.  Listen you drug addled, GED buying, butter face bitch.....nobody wants your man.  Relax. Maybe take a bath and soak off the skank....

 This morning i got out of the shower and there was no bath towel.......... If I'm anything, I'm methodical with workday morning routine.  I always hang up my wet towel so it dries for the next day.  I'm not one of those freaks that needs a new towel every day.  My body is clean when I use it, what does throwing it into a washing machine do to improve it?  By the end of the week (yes, an ENTIRE WEEK of one bathtowel) I wash it because I figure it's time to refresh. I do what I want. But this morning.......no towel. My first thought is....who moved my towel? My second thought is........that's crazy, no one moved it. But I have no idea where it is. I glance suspiciously around the apartment, just in case someone has broken in to steal my towel. No one. Oh well.  I go get a new one in the closet, now dripping water all over the floor.  I've already moved on to the next phase of morning routine. After lotion, deodorant, towel dry hair (special towel for ha...

 If you were to ask me what I want to do when i'm not working, it's be home.  By myself.  I clean, I putz around, rearrange furniture, watch TV, craft a bit, read, talk to my pets........and most recently I do this after eating a few gummies.  It makes for a very uneventful, peaceful, restful, drama free weekend. It can also happen too often.  Before long I realize I'm not really enjoying the peace and quiet as much as hiding in it.  A little goes a long way.  Too much will slam me into depression. Doing anything too much isn't healthy.  Talking to a man that lives halfway across the country isn't smart.  There's literally no point.  And of course, now instead of knowing someone in IOWA that I can chat with occasionally, there are hurt feelings.  See if this makes sense.  He has a life firmly planted where he is.  I have a job that will keep me here for another 9 years.  I'm not leaving my job.  He's not leaving ...

 Thursdays are kind of my Friday now with me working remotely on Friday.  I obviously still work on Friday however, I get up later, have coffee at my desk with the morning news on (well, not anymore for the news) and sign in remotely to see whats on my plate for the day. I don't shower, I just roll on over to my desk in PJs.  That feels so decadent.  So while I'm working, it doesn't really feel like work.   I guess getting up at the crack of dawn, showering, figuring out what to wear and painting my face on is a lot less fun than I ever thought it would be. I will say that I need to be in the office the majority of the time.  I am still learning so much from my boss and I don't think we've even really scratched the surface yet of what I need to know.  My boss is brilliant, was a NeuroSurgeon and now at 81 years old he still is "on".  I am so lucky to have landed with him, to be able to work beside someone who is just so damn SMART and yet, is...

 This morning i was listening to the news as I got ready for work, like I always do, when I decided "enough".   So I opened a podcast and IT'S all about crimes so I promptly turned IT off. Audio book?  Seems safe.  I'm listening to Stephen King's FairyTale.  It's okay.  Better than the news and my "favorite" podcasts.  So I go with that. after shower I sit on my bed and review social media as I'm drying off.  Something sets me off and makes me VERY angry.   I don't need this stupid shit in my life. So I write a little "back later" note on my page and sign out of all my accounts. I'm in a piss mood.  I've had just about enough of shitty situations I have no control over and yet seem to be front and center for.  No. More. I want my life before the internet when I spent time with my family and friends to find out what they were up to, when I read books that had actual pages and weight........when I rented movies I wanted to w...

 This morning, as I drove to work, I was contemplating how much longer this back-and-forth conversation with the IOWA man should continue.  Eventually he is going to want to meet, the hints have already begun, and even if he turned out to be Mr. wonderful, how is that going to work? Why do I get this panic feeling in my chest and why does it replace the feeling of curiosity?  I can literally feel myself shut down - like I'm watching it happen to someone else.  And then, no matter how reasonable, or how much sense the opposite is - I'm done.  I can try to analyze, or prevent, but I'm talking to a brick wall. I don't know WHY, I thought for a long time (8 years to be exact) that I'm just broken and will never have that burning desire to be with anyone again.  Then I met Tattoo man and I was completely out of control.  My hands couldn't stop touching him, I couldn't stop smiling when thinking of seeing him, I never wanted to leave him and couldn't wait to...

 on some weekends. Friday night i headed out to Milford to spend the weekend with my couple.  That sounds so.....not what it is.  We just enjoy each others company and tend to do a lot of thrift shopping, store exploring and craft making.....along with some gummie eating. We had another shenanigans gathering on Saturday night to discuss our upcoming holiday dinner together and it turned into a full course meal because.......Jen.  Thats one of the reasons I like to go early because after having vacationed with them a few times I know how much work she puts into each gathering and I will not let them do it alone anymore.  I am an official sous chef  Late into Saturday night when most had left one of our friends lamented on the "old days" and missed "that mb".......the party starter.  The MB that decided anyone getting into the hot tub could not be wearing clothing of any kind.  The random hugger, kisser, laugh really louder.   I guess I'm ...

 Here is that feeling.  The one where I want to cut and run.  Just STOP.  Almost (exactly) like panic. Tonight we have a video call date, which I instigated.  Because I like to set myself up for failure, I like to ruin a good thing.   It's the catfish thing, and the fact that just because my face can be pretty doesn't mean everyone is attracted to me.  I am plus sized.  More bang for your buck, more cushion for the pushing....and all those other things that may or may not be true.  The kind of woman that is good enough to sleep with, but you don't introduce her to your friends, take her out in public where people may know you, etc. I've been hurt.  big deal. Before I keep enjoying our conversations or start looking forward to them, I need him to see what I am and I need to see what he is.  He is concerned that he will look worn out at the end of a work day....I wish that was my concern. Don't get me wrong here.  I'm not do...

 I just got a text that made me smile like a goof ball. Okay, fine.  I've been talking to someone for a couple of weeks.   I honestly don't think it's going to go anywhere. He lives in friggin Iowa, closer to Nebraska. Met him in the facebook group for over 50 singles.  We have bantered since the beginning, raised a little bit of hell in the room egging each other on.  And then we'd always say "sooooo far".   One day we ended up private messaging, then exchanging phone numbers, then calling each other.  We can't seem to shut up.  We call them dates and they last for hours.  I walk around with my earbuds in and he is sometimes working, sometimes at home. He drives a truck.  Local now but long haul for most his life.  Has also been a bouncer on and off.  He is fun to talk to, has the same sense of humor I do and it never gets boring.  We've been telling each other our life stories, what we want to do when we retire...

 Smoking, cussing, too many tattoos and attitude seem to be the top answers in the single over 50 group I'm in online. I can see why smoking.  Tats are a personal preference, some only like women covered in them.  Cussing, well, count me out but I get why it would be a problem for some.  It's the attitude one that stumps me. So vague, yet so often used as an answer. I want to ask what kind of attitude, but I'm already disliked by most of the religious, midwest men folk in that room.  They do NOT enjoy my humor or honesty.  My "attitude" I'm assuming. Thats totally fine, I'm not for everyone nor do I aspire to be. I'm continually intrigued and sometimes infuriated by the marked differences in how people view life based on their geographical location.  The East and West Coast seem to have more open minds, "liberal" and then you have the group that wants women to remain in their "place" and the women who WANT to remain in their place.....

 This morning i was sitting in traffic and got the "ick".  The traffic light by my house seems to be extremely long lately, and this morning, sitting through multiple cycles of this light (long line of traffic) I got eyeballed by the man in the car in front of me. Not just an occasional glance back to see how long the stupid line was getting. or just looking around bored. STARING in his review mirror.  At me.   So I look in MY rearview mirror to see how clearly I can see the person sitting in the car behind me.  Clear as day.  drinking his coffee and either talking to someone or singing.  A GLANCE told me that. But this guy in front of me was balls out STARING at me.   I keep looking away, thinking, of course, that I am imagining the stare. but every time I look back, there are his eyeballs glued on me. What a strange feeling. No smile.  No yawning.  I can't think of a REASON. Just as I'm about to blow a kiss or flip the bird, ...

 It is what it is.  and IT looks like we have elected Trump as president.  It's not "official" yet, but.....it is. Harris didn't come out to speak to her supporters early this morning - I'm disappointed she didn't show up for everyone waiting to hear from her.  Not a good look. No the final counts haven't been tallied but it would have been super if she had been with the many people who thought she was our saving grace. Strange how things turn out. I'm looking forward to gas prices going down.   I'm looking forward to retirement looking better. I'm looking forward to our cost of living decreasing........ all the things that were the fault of our previous president are going to be "fixed". Right? Right.

 Well i did it.  I finally saw the Black Crowes live and got to hear some of my favorite songs straight from the horses mouth.  They were incredible.  Chris Robinson didn't stop moving or dancing for the whole show.  I love his voice, I love that groove, I'm glad I have been re-introduced. This time of year seems to be ours, Stephanie and I.  Seems all my best memories of things we've done are around this time.   Probably because it's right before her business gets busy and she can actually come out and have fun without being exhausted. I'd like to spend more time with her and the only way to really do that is at her shop.  I should offer to do the grunt work on Saturdays.  The only problem is I'm not a huge fan of Naugatuck these days.  Can't help but wonder what he's up to and honestly, that just pisses me off.   I'll get over it.  The guy that's trying to get back into my life (from years ago) has been cut loose....

 I love the fall.  Fall is my favorite and October is STILL my favorite.   One of my favorite memories is tangled up in a breakup.   October 29th, 2016  He and I went to see our friends Steph and Tom at their home, Quiddity.  They were having a few friends over and a fire by the stream.  It was a perfect fall evening.  For once, we didn't fight before we got somewhere- so we arrived together in a good mood. I was happy and content.  I had no idea the storm that would destroy my world as i knew it was only a day away.   As we stood by the fire, talking, smoking, drinking beers - Tom told the story of the graves in their woods.  I was ......fascinated.......and then, I had to go find them.  So, the ladies (there were four of us that night) left the men to their fire and took off over the bridge and into the woods.   And I mean woods. Leaves were up to our knees. There must have been at least a little moon...

 I have done a good job of forcing myself to write almost daily.  I'm writing into thin air, but the point is......I'm doing it. I'm exercising my freedom and brain, documenting random thoughts, experiences and concerns. Because I can.  I hope I still can years from now. The election is less than a week away and I've been trying to avoid listening to the news.  It's the same shit every day and tells me nothing I need to know. I'm voting early on Friday to avoid the mess on Tuesday, plus I get sworn in to the Elks that night.  Kind of cool since the order is so patriotic.   Here is what I'm chewing on at the moment.  I have always been an independent voter not wanting to commit to either party and to be more concerned with the people running.  I was forced into selecting a party when I was joining a public board years ago.  I chose Democrats because they aligned more closely with my belief in helping people who cannot help themselves....

I've been talking with someone i dated over 6 years ago after my "breakup"....when I just started dating and had no idea what I was in for.  When I thought because you were dating someone you were only dating that person.  I had a lot to learn. I had gone from marrying my high school sweetheart, being with him a total of 20 years, to a year of chaos where I went on probably hundreds of coffee dates and ended up with a man that was the exact opposite of my ex husband for 13 years.  We then broke up when he found someone younger (he was younger than me I should say) and basically devastated my self esteem which was already not good. And that's when I met Mr. Clinton who was very acclimated to being single and dating. We dated a few months and then I cut ties. He let me. However, he has always been there in the background - reaching out with random texts, following my social media accounts, making comments - - trying to get back in touch.  I have ignored him.  Like...

 My home was meticulous on Friday night. I had multitasked all day between work and picking up/cleaning.  I had my headphones in, calls forwarded, and a stack of travel authorizations to tackle and I managed to do it all - along with laundry, dishes, floors, dusting, and bathroom.  I was a freakin machine an by the time friday night rolled around I was ready to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor. So I made dinner. Then I pulled out a project I've been working on. Flicked through the channels and found something to keep me company. decided to have a snack Went looking for a piece of another project decided to re-arrange a bookcase Opened up the clothing packages that had arrived earlier in the day Decided to try on a few outfits Went to bed with a book and a cup of tea....no meds slept like shit.  As in, did not sleep. Woke up and realized my home was an absolute mess again.   WTF Can't blame the kids. Can't blame the man. The animals will take their app...