let it go and maybe help someone else also

baby take my hand we'll be alright

It's been a while - I keep wanting to write a new entry and then i just don't.

So here i am, sitting on my unmade bed looking at my apartment, in it's final stages of being dismantled, after a year of putting it together "just so".

I'm moving.  An opportunity was offered and I jumped at it.  Even though i love where i am, am happy where I am, will miss where I am.  I came full circle here, in the nest i created.  And now i'm going to leave it.  Ugh.  I must be crazy.

For so long I haven't known who I am.  Where do my likes start? My wants.  They've always been tied into a man, or in pursuit of a man.....a partner.  I've always been afraid of being alone.  Wanting to make every decision with someone.  I never learned how to just...be me. Everyone tells you this, it should be common sense, but until it clicks for you it's all just words.  Words that mean nothing because you can't understand until you suddenly, do.

Years ago I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day.  I started in high school so i could hang out near the boy i liked. (see???) I was an expert quitter.  I did it all the time, really well.  Finally one day I drove myself to a walk in clinic because i could not breathe.  I thought, well, here is when i find out i'm dying.  They made me breathe in a nebulizer  (however thats spelled) not once, but three times.  It's a machine  they add medicine to that you inhale through vapor....I was able to suck in a deep breath and not cough.  A breath so deep i was taking oxygen from my tippy toes.....and i did NOT cough..i could breath.  I thought....I want to feel this all the time.  THIS is what normal people breath like....

Even then, it took me a couple of months to prepare for the quitting.  I did what i needed to do and then finally one day I jumped.  I just stopped.

Anyone who tells you they quit smoking cold turkey and it was easy is a fucking liar.  It was pure and utter hell.  Now that i'm past it, i'm glad it was because i will NEVER put myself through that again.   I did it though, and i am proud of myself.  It took long enough, but i finally decided i wanted better.

Then, i went through some other major life changes and ended up moving out of the first place i had ever felt like home, in a town i felt like home, around friends that made me feel like family.  My life pretty much imploded and i felt a complete loss of control on top of some heartbreak.

I'm here to tell you, you get over heartbreak.  You don't think you will.  But you do.  Because time happens and life happens and ....because it's not meant to be a permanent condition.   It hurts and it hurts a lot, because you are meant to want better....

So i moved in with my bestie, i'm not sure if i was given a choice. I rented a room in her home with her family and i was never alone.  I went through the stages.  I was depressed, angry, sad..all of the things but most importantly.....directionless.  I didn't know my life.  I wanted to recognize myself, my life, my future.  The first thing i did was date like a crazy woman.  I feel like I blew through dates like a bowling ball striking down pins.  I was on a mission to find my partner but....i didn't even know myself without one.

Which set me up for falling for the first smiling face that treated me kindly and wanted to be around me, talk to me, listen to me talk.....and kiss me.  I fell for the feeling of being loved and accepted and wanted........and it never occurred to me that he could not possibly do any of those things because I did not even know myself.  How could he?

I had another lesson to learn, and this time I didn't take months to figure it out.  I realized it and faced it head on.  We parted ways.

You think i learned don't you?  Hahaha

I went straight back to bowling.  No, i did not say balling.  In that i was selective.  Thank you goddess.

I dated some nice men.  I made it my mission to date only happy, friendly, outgoing males......no more moody mother fuckers.  And i must say- happy guys are a hell of a lot more fun.  I just couldn't feel that connection beyond enjoying their company as friends.  "that" feeling of wanting to partner up just hasn't happened.

So finally i stopped.  Honestly I became interested in someone who was not available to me.

Here's my turning point when i started to question my own wants, what are they?

I want to breathe...take a huge suck of oxygen down to my tippy toes and not have it choke me.  I want to feel the way normal people feel.

Life happens when you aren't paying attention, it's so true.  I've been making decisions and tough choices all by MYSELF.  I've been taking care of what needs taking care of. Improving my life, taking part in it..........choosing what i want to do, or not.  I've found a creative streak that i'm giving some attention to, and tomorrow i have my first evaluation at the new job i started 6 months ago.  The job i pursued, and got because i made the decision to go for it.  Not because i was forced.

Now i'm moving into a bigger place and i'm healthier financially than i ever have been.  I'm not stopping, i'm just getting started.  I guess i've always had to chew on things for a while before i let someone else decide if i was going to do it or not.  Now, i don't have either problem standing in my way.

It feels so good to feel normal.  Don't worry, i'm totally not.  Never will be.  But at least i can breathe.

Married Men and i have a potty mouth i know it

This is what happens....i get peaceful, and relatively happy and i think "let me take a look" and i join a dating site.  I'm instantly reminded of why i closed accounts in the past.   But, how else to go about it?

Now..i've met some nice men.  I've even made some of them good friends.  Without those sites, i would have missed out on a lot of laughs and different perspectives.  Friendship with the opposite sex, especially new friendship when you are both single...it's important.  You learn a lot about yourself.  But that's not what this blog is about...

This is about mother fucking married men who join dating sites and represent themselves as single.

And WASTE MY TIME.

Here's a thought.  How about instead of trying to pick up women who don't mind fucking a taken man..(theres another blog)..how about you put that energy into your wife?  And if she isn't into it....why are you still married?  Divorce takes a lot of energy.  Focus on fixing your shit and then you can find a good woman who will treat you right.  ah, but you don't want that.  And you think I DO?  Fuck off Cheater.

Or bottom feed and bitch and moan about your current woman to your NEXT dumb ass woman.

I'm mad.  No.  I'm seeing red.  I'll be over it by tomorrow.  But right NOW i'm pissed off and disgusted.

breathe....

Like i said, i've met nice men, no, wonderful, kind, sexy, funny men....who just weren't right for me.  I've grown wise enough to know that no matter how hard i could try, if it isn't going to work....it isn't going to work.  Liking someone isn't enough for the long haul.

I'm starting to think i'm asking for too much.....but hell, i'm not even ASKING for anything.

I want a man who isn't going to be lodged up my ass 24/7, who trusts me to have some things in my life that he is not the center off, that he knows when i love a man i am with THAT man and ONLY that man....because that is what a relationship is to me.  We are still separate people, that enjoy activities the other may not be interested in.  I like to read, research, write...thats not a couple activity.  I shouldn't have to give up a part of me to make him feel safe.  Or vice versa.  BUT I do want to share a life.

Is that impossible?

I want to have friends, family and US in common.  I want to do things together, like travel, camp, learn, experience....build.  a life.  together.   I want to talk into the night by the fire. or not talk.  I want to get excited about plans we are making together.  I want to argue about politics like two people who respect each others opinion, if not always agree. I want to feel protected and safe, and for him to feel relieved and relaxed with me.  I'm safe haven, so is he.  I look forward to him, can't live long without hearing or seeing him......and he feels that way about me.

But i can still go to my besties house and drink too much and stay over and it's ok.  He doesn't think i'm with another man.  Or Worse, he doesn't not give a shit where i am.    I've had both versions.  Neither is what any woman needs.  She needs "stay, have fun" or "do you want me to come pick your drunk ass up?"  see?  It's confidence and want....not control or disregard.

OR he wants to go on a guys trip, where they do man things - you know what i do?  I pack his bags.  and tell him to have fun.  I miss him while he's gone and I'm happy when i get to see him again.  It wouldn't matter if he was going to the middle of nowhere or to a Harley Rendezvous.....because i would be able to TRUST him.  No questions asked.

I have never had that.  I want that.  I won't be in a relationship withOUT that.

I tell myself on the daily, men go after what they want.  Its true.  They do.  And if he's the kind that doesn't.....he's not for me. I'm strong, he needs to be strong.  I can't be with a man that gets his feelings hurt easy or has low self worth because i bust ass, and yes, i can take having my ass handed to me back. I speak my truth and it's not always polished up pretty. I like to have fun, i tease, i laugh, i am goofy sometimes........and others, i am a block of ice.  I've learned not to waste my fire on a man who doesn't deserve it.  I used to fight, cry, care too much.  I've learned that a man will do what a man will do, and you either accept it or not.  Fighting doesn't change a damn thing.  So now i let him show me who he is.

And they always do show you who they are.  Let them.  And believe it.

I will wait for you there, alone

I tried to write a blog entry about all the bullshit that has been going on since your death Heather. 

First i lost internet connection and it didn't save.

Then, i hit the wrong key and everything disappeared and i couldn't get it back.

I get it.  I'm listening. 

I'm letting it go. 

Thank you.

Sometimes i hold on too long and too tight, but you helped me let go.  So thank you for that too.

You were right, my life is better and i am different and i do deserve more.  So did you. 

I didn't appreciate you for so long, but i'm grateful we connected during these last few years.  I wish i had loved you longer.

Day 6

Down 7 pounds, haven’t had ANY acid indigestion since I started AND I put on a ring that didn’t fit less than a week ago.

So.  Totally worth it.

I don’t have to think about food all day, when can I have it, what can I have, how MUCH can I have?  I don’t have to plan today what I want to eat 5 days from now, like another weight loss plan I tried and just couldn’t stick with.

 

I don’t have an addiction to food that I’ve heard others talk about.  I thought I might, but what I have is actually pure laziness.  Also, at times I allow myself to get so hungry that I just start eating whatever is in sight, or easiest- like that drive thru poison.  That’s part of what makes me so frustrated, I KNOW BETTER.  I just don’t take proper care of myself.

 

Didn’t. 

 

Am I excited that I’m down?  Hell yeah.  Do I feel more energy, yes indeed.  And when I’m tired I’m TIRED tired……..which I know makes sense to a lot of you.

 

I had an “OSV” off scale victory - ?  I think that’s what it’s called- Sunday was a rollercoaster of emotions day, and it reached peak when I found out a friend to me had passed unexpectedly.  She was quite a bit younger than I, and I had just spoken with her a few weeks ago.  I knew one part of her, the kind, animal loving, free spirited hippie part.  I didn’t always appreciate her, especially when I first met her.  But something about her resonated with me, and we developed a relationship outside of the people we knew in common, and history.  She was very wise for her age, but prone to the same faults the rest of us fight- addiction, stress, etc.

 

When I had to share this information with someone I knew loved her dearly, but had cut ties for valid reasons years ago, I was overwhelmed with sorrow for both of them………the keening of my dear friends shock and disbelief left me emotionally raw.  So much pain, all the way around.  It’s what happen when a SISTER leaves us………no matter how long it’s been since our eyes have met. 

 

Last week, I would have cracked open a bottle of wine and had a nice big glass- maybe the whole bottle.  I would have felt justified, and yes, it would have helped numb my soul.  But I didn’t.  For one reason, I had made sure to empty my house out of all items that might tempt me.  Another reason is that- I have to take care of myself.  Sorrow is not an excuse to stop.

If anything, it’s a reason to continue.  When someone so young passes not only do I feel my own mortality, but I feel a responsibility to appreciate the life that I have, because I still have time to change what needs changing.  I still have time to say all the things.

 

 

Day 2

Day 2

Life without sugar and carbs is painful.  Literally. I am not craving ANYTHING as much as sleep, and a release from this crappy feeling. I had hoped because I wasn’t a huge sugar eater in the first place that the withdrawals would be pretty light.

I was wrong.

I’m drinking water like crazy- and forcing myself to eat every 2-3 hours.  I weighed myself the day before I started this- Wednesday morning- and swallowed hard when I was faced with what I need to lose.  Will lose. Then I went out dancing and drank a beer to celebrate not drinking any more beer for a while. That same day I hit over 11,000 steps on my fitbit which I haven’t done since I started wearing one a couple years ago. 

Yay me.

Today I weighed myself again because, well, I work in a hospital and the temptation was too great.  I did it three times because I thought the scale was out of wack.  I’d down 3 pounds?  Since Wednesday morning?  I’m using the same scale so……….i really have to stop doing that.  It’s not about the weight. (hell yes it is) It’s about how I feel (which right now is pretty shitty) and how I look in my clothes (which I will have to buy all over again)

 

Welcome to diet mind.  But this really isn’t a diet.  It’s a way of getting my weight down quickly so I can see results and not damage myself when I’m exercising.  It’s a way of staying motivated, of relearning that food is just food, it’s not a crutch.  Last night I ate a cup and a half of broccoli with 1 tsp of butter, 1 tsp of garlic parsley seasoning nd two boca burger patties (vegetarian).  Also, can’t forget a huge glass of water.

It was better than I thought it was gonna be.  I don’t want to talk about food so much as the emotional and mental experience of finally realizing that what I was doing wasn’t working, and wasn’t going to magically start working.  I’ve made the investment, I have the support and my mind is right. 

 

I checked in at physical therapy last night and automatically took a single lifesaver because they were there.  I opened it, started to put it in my mouth and realized “oh shit, I can’t have this” – no pockets, don’t see a garbage can, think “it won’t matter” for a hot second and then tucked it into my bra.  Later that night when I was getting ready for bed it flew across the room as I ripped off the *&^* bra and I got a good giggle.  The lifesaver doesn’t matter.  The fact that I didn’t make an excuse, that I changed my mind about it mattering……….THAT is what matters.

That is going to be what makes me successful and keeps me at a good place when I reach goal.  Using food, and alcohol to soothe hurt feelings and bad days is no longer an option.  Time to figure it out.

 

If you read this and you feel it, I love you for feeling it.  It’s not easy, but it’s not hard either.  It’s a choice.

 

Because i'm big

Another blog filled with TMI you've been warned. 

I'm sitting at my kitchen table with a glass of wine and brownies baking in the oven.  This is a kind of "going away" party that i'm giving myself.  Wine and brownies won't be passing through these lips for a very long time, if ever again.  okay, not for a very long time.

For the past 3 years i have struggled with my weight.  First, i quit smoking, then had an injury, then went through a painful breakup.  Add being miserable at work ...and feeling like my life was flying by and I was not doing what i should be, that there was..more.  I made mistakes.  I fixed them.  And i ate.  I found that i enjoy wine, so i drank.  And ate.  And bought bigger clothes

I firmly believe that it was my weight that made my ex cheat and finally break up with me.  Thank you weight.  I believe it was my weight that caused a short term boyfriend to not want sex, ever, causing me to break up with him.  Again, thank you weight.  Do you think either wanted to go for walks with me, go kayaking, do ANYTHING besides pass judgement?  I was with the wrong men.

It took me a while to get here.  To this place of accepting and loving myself, regardless of the size of my jeans.  It has been a recent arrival.  I've felt ashamed, embarrassed, unattractive, for years. Honestly even when i was skinny i didn't feel good enough to be treated well.  I did not love myself unconditionally and i blamed everything but, myself. I packed on the uncomfortable pounds. I did that.

Extra weight isn't good for anyone.  I'm in pain most of the time, and it's gotten to the point i can't ignore it.  my joints hurts.  I recently joined a challenge of doing 50 sit ups a day and i had to modify it because i couldn't do ONE.  I know there are skinny people who probably cant do one either but i bet they don't actually damage themselves trying. 

I loved yoga when i was skinny.  It was good for me mentally and physically.  When i tried to go back a few years ago my fat ass couldn't figure out how to move anymore.  So i quit.  Now i do yoga stretches when no one is looking and pray i don't break something.

I used to walk.  Not New York City breaka yo face walk.....but walk walk.  I enjoyed "going for a walk" or a hike up a trail to a Mountain top.  I enjoyed it for the sake of doing it, not because it was good exercise. I used to line dance years ago.  The last time i tried i was so confused in this body, and how to move it.......so i quit. 

I moved into my place, the one i go home to alone, in September of 2018 and i've had 9 months to get to know "myself".  I have given birth to me. kinda.  And with that, is a responsibility to take care of myself.  Because i have learned that i'm lovable. Not perfect, not always nice, sometimes a little daft, always a little goofy, and worth loving.  Exactly how i am.

So of course i'm gonna change.

First, I look in the mirror in the morning just out of the shower and i appreciate how i got here.  I see my stretch marks from pregnancy, i see my breasts that fed two babies, I see the extra cushion where i don't need it- and i understand why it's there now.  Sometimes mental pain does manifest itself on our body. But i don't have mental pain anymore.

So i'm back to a physical therapist to uncrunk me.  I don't know how else to describe it.  I'm taking a "hanna somatic" class after pt so i can learn how my body is supposed to work.  If you are interested, google it.  She is healing me, so i'm a believer.  As my body gets realigned i can exercise it more.  pamper it with sweat and physical love.  It's not a punishment, it's a privilege.  I know this because not being able to move correctly has brought that lesson home to me.

And i am no longer lying to myself that "eating right" will get me to where i need to be.  I have signed on with a coach, and a program, to lose these pounds.  I'm making myself the priority. I can't believe i didn't talk myself out of it. There was a moment of hesitation and i went for it.  i'm going to do this the way i quit smoking....cold turkey.  It's my JOB now. I know that there will be adjustment, that it will be uncomfortable and that i will curse myself.  But i will not quit.  I am going back to the body i feel good in.  And i'm staying there.

I'm doing this because i want to feel good.  I want to look good, yes, but look....in all honestly my fat saved me from a couple of pricks.  It served me well. So I thank you thick thighs and rounded stomach.....but i don't need you anymore.

So this blog has turned into a diet journey, and there will be swearing.  In case you wondered.

There may be pictures.

and hell, help me if you can.  Leave me comments.  Let me know you exist.