Am I negative?

 probably.  Its not the first time i've heard that i always jump to the worst case scenario, or assume the worst is going to happen.

Is that anxiety? or a character trait? 

It's always self focused.  I assume the best for everyone else and the worst for myself.  Was that learned? is is self defense so i don't get side swiped when something bad happens i can say "i knew it"........?

Mr. Cigar called me out last night.  Said i always go to the negative.  He's not wrong.  I catch myself but not always.

I can see how that would be annoying- but why do my friends love me so much if i'm so negative?

Definitely neurotic. 

All that stressing and my boss came back to me with a definitive answer from the above.  My job doesn't change. I do not have to become someones secretary (as much as they seem to think they are entitled to me) because he's unhappy with what he has, or because of my logistical location outside of his office. (ONE of his offices) 

Not that I don't go above and beyond to make relationships and help out as part of the big team....but I'm not going backwards to managing an executive's calendar, which is an absolute nightmare.

ANYTHING else, within reason and ability, i'm here for.  But when he said that, i thought i was literally going to puke. 

Money for my vacation?  tight, but doable.  Its getting close and i need the beach with my friends to get right.  And some color to my skin so i'm not see-through.

Mr. Cigar? Going through his own stuff which he talks to me about but takes up a lot a space in his head.  Understandable, not a problem.  He's a business owner and has real hobbys........which suits me just fine.  As long as i'm the woman in his life we are good.

I've decided to refer to him as "the man".  "my man" sounds stupid.  "my boyfriend" sounds juvenile.  "my partner" sounds like we are in business or i'm a lesbian with a really ugly girlfriend....so "the man" as in "the man in my life" works for me.

My Bill?  Not yet.  

aaaarrrrhhhh

 This business of not knowing what my actual job is going to be, or when it's going to change is driving me INSANE.

My boss is retiring, and it's been known for a while.  But now the scramble is on.  

Add that Mr. Cigar is super busy and not having much time.

Shit fuck shit.

Mental Health day

 It was a busy weekend and i went from one thing to the other, leaving a lot left undone - leaving me uncomfortable in my space This morning i woke up and thought "I can't people today" and so i texted my boss and told him i'm taking a sick day.

It's more of a anti-sick day.  I'm taking it so that i can re-center, have some time to myself and get my both my physical and mental space back to some kind of order.  Some would say that's lazy or not a good work ethic, but this is a benefit of working where i do in the job that i have and i'm using it.  It's important to take care of yourself so that you can go to work and focus.  Today, focus is out of the question.

My thoughts are all over the place, bouncing from old fears to new confidence and then somewhere in the middle.  Physically, i'm feeling really good, being active, losing weight, not starving my body or my brain.  Clothing is fitting me way different and i have a lot to fit into as i lose the weight so its good i never donated my "someday" clothes.  Someday is right around the corner at this rate.

While watching TV with Mr. Cigar he saw an attractive woman and said "that is the perfect body size for a woman.  You can do that.  You are so close to that"

I filed the comment away and it keeps popping up in my head.  Compliment? Encouragement? cheerleading?  or a backhanded compliment?  A "you could look good but you aren't looking good as you are".......Weight and size is such a touchy subject for most women, certainly THIS woman, and it's hard to distinguish between encouragement and a putdown.  

I don't think he meant it as a slam, but at the same time, i have this feeling in my gut that says "who asked you?" or "so if i'm skinnier i'll be acceptable"......a lot of negative talk, defensive talk......and i can understand completely why a man would feel like commenting in any way shape or form on a womans appearance or body could be dangerous.  

This is also the man that feeds me strawberries after some adult activity, and makes me take bites of his food after i've insisted i do not want anything... 

His actions have been meaningful to me and not unnoticed.  The comfort level i feel at his home and with his very large and potentially terrifying dogs does not go unnoticed by me.  His falling asleep next to me while watching television does not bother me.  He's tired.  He works a LOT and he plays hard.  When i got up to go, he woke up and said "stay, watch some tv....you don't need to go yet"......so he is aware of  and wants my presence. 

He is such a mixed bag of tricks that sometimes it makes me tired even trying to figure him out. So, why try.  He's just him, i'm just me and sometimes that causes sparks from small clashes.  However, he talks about it but make no mistake, it's not like talking to one of my friends.  He barely gives an inch and sometimes i need to stop and tell him, "let me finish" before he tells me why i'm seeing something the wrong way.  

Honestly i'm just so happy that he's a communicator.  I'm so over the silent and strong bullshit.  You can use your words and still be strong, as he has shown me.

And yet, i can easily be brought to tears if we get too close to certain topics.  He's just so out there, and matter of fact, and i'm in my head screaming "nonononononono" I can't let go of this fear of falling and failing.  again.

And he feels that from me.  

Not that he's asking for me to let go........he has matter of fact told me that i love him. That is such a weird space for me to be in because .......am i?  How can i be?  And who says things like that?  When he says that, I respond with "i never said that" and he always comes back with "you don't have to say it"

Words like "I love you" mean absolute shit to me, unless coming from my family or friends.  Coming from a man?  I feel a coat of ice wrap around me.  I feel manipulated, lied to, like they think i'm some kind of idiot.  Love has gotten me into nothing but pain and loss if it's attached to a man.  No. Thank. You.

Yesterday i spend the day at the shooting range getting my class in so i can get my pistol permit (AGAIN since i let it expire like an idiot).  I shot better than i have before and probably because it was a 22 and nice and light.  It made a difference.  Between Mr. Cigar, and my friends husbands, i will have ample opportunity to go to the range with some support on how to improve.  I'm looking forward to it. It's an expensive hobby, which is why i have no interest in collecting.  Strictly personal safety.

I'm feeling overwhelmed and tearful, so something is on my mind.  I just need to let it pass through me so i can get back to functioning at 100%.    Feelings are temporary.  Let them flow through without holding on to them.  

Okay. 

3 months

 Last night i was talking with Mr. Cigar on the phone, and while we were talking i drove to his house and we continued talking for the next 3.5 hours.  Real talking, busting on each other, lots of topics.....it just flowed.  Some grabby touchy but all in play, it wasn't that kind of night.

I just wanted to be with him instead of just on the phone.  And I did what i wanted to do and went over.

When i realized it was 9pm i was on fire to get out the door so we could get some sleep...but he made me wait to taste the Indian rice he had in the cooker.  It's not really rice, it's a oat/grass.....and he makes it with lentels and black beans with some sazon spice.  

I'm glad i waited.  Holy sh*t was it good.  And my mind started going a mile a minute of what else i could add to make it the main dish.

He's a really good cook.  Which is good, because i'm not.  I have some things that i make fairly well, but my experiments don't usually turn out edible.  I'm great at making salad.

This is how i thought it should be.  We hang out together and enjoy each others company without sex being the main reason we are together.  I genuinely like him- he makes me laugh, think, and sometimes he makes me angry and speechless.  

It's been 3 months.  I said i would evaluate where we were in 3 months and make a choice on things based on how it was going.  

I'm in it.

I have no desire to go without him.  Even when he pushes the envelope - which this man does to get me going.  He has paid attention.  He knows what gets under my skin.

I've never had a man pay such close attention to the details of how i operate. 

He tells me i love him....and i tell him "i never said that"

I can feel in my bones there are feelings there, just from our conversations.  

I have a boyfriend.

 A partner.  Someone i can see a future with.  

Now, let my past stay in the past and let me not have a hair pin trigger based on how i've been treated previously.  Let us bring happiness and peace of mind to each other- Let our misunderstandings be clarifications, not earth-shattering moments.  

Let this man be my reward in life for putting up with so much shit because i was so stupid and had no self esteem- because i thought no one would ever love me.  

And so it begins.

Maybe we look different

 I think i look different when i'm happy.  I seem to get a lot more attention from men.

Maybe  i walk different, smile bigger, shine a little.....

I hold on to this feeling while at the same time kicking back my demons that tell me....he's a man, he's gonna lie to you and cheat on you and leave you an emotional husk by the time he's done with you.

Isn't that a lovely thought?

I notice everything, every good night missed, every day i haven't talked to him on the phone........that is me being anxious and insecure.  I know the words, I certainly know the feeling...and now i need to really master controlling it so it doesn't disrupt my entire life.

I remind myself, routine isn't something i want.  I remind myself he is a hard working business(s) owner and this is his busy season.  I remind myself that is something i admire about him, so feeling displaced when he's working himself to sleep every night makes zero sense.

Still haven't made that appointment with the therapist.  I just saw online that Chatgpt actually can act as a therapist.  I do pay monthly for it since i use it so often so.........

Today is a good day.

OOOOOH henry 2

 I haven't been in a relationship in over 8 years.  

I've dated some men longer than others - but in all honesty (which i was with them) I don't allow myself to attach.  No thats not healthy......but in each case, i was 100% right not to attach.  It was my brain saying "noooooo this is not the one" 

I thought not being totally turned off, not wanting to throat punch someone.....made them datable.  It kept me safe from being hurt when it ended which i knew it would from day one.

And i was completely fine with that, each time feeling like i dodged a bullet.  No remorse, no regret, just back to my peace and not a second thought.

Mr. Tattoo i got attached to because the sex was amazing and i felt great around him.  When we were not together, i did not feel great because i never knew when/if we would see each other again.  I was dickmatized.  It wasn't just the sex though, because i've had good sex before him.....I thought i could fall in love with him because he checked all the boxes in my checklist.  EXCEPT he was avoidant and had so much hurt in his life that he didn't even want to get past it.  That was so complicated, and understandable, that it's hard to hold against him.  Part of me though, feels like he was a master player and knew how to pull at the heart strings of women to appeal to their nurturing side, the side that would want to heal him.  And i fell for it, hook line and sinker.  And i got crushed.

I have gone on dates after him, but no one i would have a relationship with.....no one i would get hurt by.  Before Mr. Tattoo i had dated Henry, the one and only man i went back to 3 times because.....I couldn't figure him out.  He was extremely handsome, had the voice of a DJ, impeccable manners, and we enjoyed doing some dorky stuff together.  He had a fetish that i didn't find to be over the top, although it did nothing for me but make me laugh till exhaustion....which is what turned him on.....tickle fetish.  I think i was fascinated.  But not in love.  I found it very easy to let him go each time.  I knew he wasn't a keeper.

I knew he was temporary in my bones.  Even though the last time we dated he told me he should have married me and made babies with me.....that "this time" he was going to work through with me, that we wouldn't break up again.  That i was marriage material. (Even though i had already told him there was no way i was getting married again.......because i never considered that i would want to, ever.)

He was full of shit in a pretty package. The reason i bring him up now is that once in a while i check his facebook page. Because it gives me a sick validation that i was right.  It makes me feel vindicated because he acted like i was so horrible because i broke up with him.  And then, yes, i gave him a good kick in the nugs with my parting comment because i knew it would hit home.  And he deserved it.

Not always proud of myself, but in this case.....

After me he started posting pictures of him and a hot blonde on the vacation we were supposed to take together.  I remember wondering how long that would last.  She's gorgeous, he's gorgeous....but how many brain cells between them?  That was mean.  Dont care.  But they've been together a few years now so it looks like this one is sticking.  Good for him.  It's hard out here.

Yesterday i was cleaning up my facebook, and i looked at his page where he had posted a "flashback" picture of them together.....in 2016.

Ah.  and it alllll makes sense.  And yet, men can't seem to understand why trust is an issue.  No all men are not the same.......but a LOT of them are great liars and manipulators.  I was the filler in, the side piece.......ewww.  But thats on him.  

Any inconsistency blows my mind.  Last night Mr. Cigar told me he was going to bed early and yet, he was on Instagram at 10:30pm.....Who cares.  But he hadn't responded to my text so i got irritated.....and then i thought.....this is going to stop right now.  For all i know, he was stalking my page, doing to me what i've been doing to him.  My anxious bullshit will be the end of us.  He isn't going to put up with setting me off at every turn with all my triggers.

And the thing is......even though i was annoyed it didn't bother me.  So what.  I think he's more than shown me he is loyal, is in it with me........still in the begining stages, but in it with me. 

This morning he called me just to tell me he couldn't talk because he had invoices to do before he was on the road.....and that meant the world to me.  He knows i enjoy talking to him every morning. and he didn't just text me he couldn't talk.  He called me.  He made the effort.  He showed me he knows, and he cares.

It was that simple.  

So there are oh Henrys and there are Mr. Cigars and sometimes its very difficult to know which one you are associating with.

A few posts back i said i would go out with Mr. Tattoo again, even knowing how it would end.....and today i can say, no. i would not.  Not even if Mr. Cigar doesn't work out.  Because i've had better with no sex......why would i go back?

Never say never

 What a weekend.

I'm happy.

Not looney over the top happy........just a nice calmness in my center.  A warmth.

(every time i use "....." i think about the millennials who go crazy hating it.  These are the same people that shorten their words and text all day....so take that.........   ................   ............ and calm  your asses down) 

Last night i saw a fox, a bunny, a blue heron, a deer, and a bear.  

I also saw two very large happy puppies, at Mr. Cigars house. 

Let me expain.

Saturday i went shopping with my bestie.  She has lost so much weight and she needed new work clothes.  Of course i ended up buying something too, which i've really been trying not to do.  I want to have my clothes sagging off my body before i buy anything new.  BUT, when in Rome.

Plus it kept my mind occupied, with should i or shouldn't i? and off of Mr. Cigar.  Which it didn't.  He was ever present in my mind, making me alternately angry and sad.  Because i missed him.  I missed laughing and learning........but WHATEVER MB.  Get over it.

I asked him "is your life better now?"........because the last time we had an argument, he had asked me, "Are you happier now?".....a valid question.  I wasnt.

The door opens.  We converse via text for a short time.  tentatively.  No good nights, no back to normal, just an open door.

Sunday morning he called me.  We had a very in depth conversation, not an argument.  We both expressed our feelings using adult words and listening ears (i love that lol)  and came to an agreeable understanding.  Then, he went shooting and i went grocery shopping and we carried on with our day.

I'm going to call a therapist again.  My bestie suggested this to me, not for the first time.  She's known me my entire life and she's seen all the things, knows my whole history.  I will listen to her this time, and make an appointment.

It's not about him.  It's about my absolute soul crushing fear of having my life be destroyed by becoming emotionally attached to a man.

My choices in the past have been less than ideal.  I have to be able to trust my choices, so I can relax and not be hyper-vigilant over his behavior toward me. He's never treated me poorly.  But that one comment taken like a throat punch.......he didn't mean it like that, and i took it and ran with it.  I self-sabotaged.  

And he saw me escalate (I did) and cut me off.  His reasoning was "so i didn't say something i couldn't take back" and give me time to calm down and think.  He wasn't entering into the craziness with me.  

I did feel crazy.  I got snapped but what i took as a disrespectful comment and put all the wieght of my previous relationships on it instead of just saying "That was rude I don't appreciate it"......or something to that effect.

I thought we were over, done. history.  That was me.  He just took a step back and waited.  for me.  

He doesn't take any shit, but he thinks i'm worth waiting for.

Okay.  So....he cares about me.  There is no sex, he gets nothing but my company and sparkling personality......so.  He cares. about me.

I had all day to sit on that conversation and think about it as i grocery shopped, then came home and food prepped for the week.  I made a really good soup because the day was so dreary and when he called me later in the afternoon i invited myself to his house to feed him dinner.

And he opened the door.

He had made me a salad, and had me sit and eat it while he heated up our soup and toasted the crusty bread.....And it was a very comfortable, easy, natural reunion.  Argument, done.  In the past.  Back to "normal"..........no sulking, or making me pay.  No dirty looks or petulance.  No punishment.

After dinner i cuddled up to him on the couch and we watched tv until we didn't anymore.  Is it strange how passion can be so ignited after time apart?  Even a few days.  Do we really appreciate that we've returned to each other?  Is that what does it?  Or is it another hurdle we've cleared, and we feel safer with each other?  No details.  Thats ours.  

If i ever prayed, it would be for me to trust the process, and to not throw a wrench into a situation that doesn't need it.  He isn't my exes.  He isn't Mr. Tattoo.  

Deep breaths and enjoy the ride MB.  This man may very well be my last relationship.